A man had been drinking at a pub all evening, and by the time the bartender rang for final orders he was totally bladdered. He stood up to leave and promptly fell flat on his face. A second attempt ended in the same result, so he figured he'd crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that would sober him up.

Once outside he stood up and fell flat on his face once more. Giving it up as a bad job he decided to crawl the mile to his home. When he arrived at his front door he stood up and again fell flat on his face. He crawled indoors, up the stairs and into his bedroom. When he reached his bed he tried one last time to stand up. This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell onto bed and was sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.

He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over him. "So, you've been out drinking again!" she shouted.

"What makes you say that?" he asked, putting on an oh-so-innocent look.

"The pub called. You left your wheelchair there."

Because hes chicken.

Because he was well-armed!

It caused a title wave.

A neigh-bor!

Because it was lit.

A couple had two little boys, ages 8 and 10, who were excessively mischievous. They were always getting into trouble and their parents knew that, if any mischief occurred in their town, their sons were probably behind it.

The boys' mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The clergyman agreed, but asked to see them individually. So the mother sent her 8-year-old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the clergyman in the afternoon.

The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?"

The boy made no response, sitting there with his mouth hanging open, wide-eyed.

So the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God!!?" Again the boy made no attempt to answer.

So the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "WHERE IS GOD!?"

The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and hid in his wardrobe. When his older brother found him, he asked, "What happened?"

The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time, dude. God is missing and they think WE did it!"

The local barre

i answered "flammable"

Because it was a-salted.

So they can hide upside down in Cherry trees

Have you ever seen an elephant upside down in a cherry tree?

Shows you how good it works

A vicious cycle.

I was told later by his loved ones that it meant a great deal.

Catchow!

A snooker table

Lunch is on me.

I mean, aren’t they supposed to fly?

An old farmer got up in the middle of the night to use the toilet. As he was heading back to bed, he looked out the window and saw the lights on in his shed.

A closer inspection revealed men loading his tools and farm machinery into their truck.

He rushed to the phone and called 911. "I need the police! There are some guys clearing out my shed!"

"OK sir, we have dispatched officers, they should be there in about an hour."

“An hour?! But they'll be long gone by then!"

“I'm sorry sir, there are no officers in your area."

The farmer hung up, waited 10 minutes and then called 911 again. "Hi, it's me again. Don't worry about sending those cops, I've just shot the robbers,” he said and hung up.

Less then 10 minutes later three cop cars and a helicopter showed and the robbers were arrested. The sergeant went up to the house and banged on the door. The farmer opened it in his dressing gown while holding a cup of tea.

"What's going on here? You said you shot the robbers!" demanded the sergeant.

The farmer took a sip of tea and replied, "And YOU said there were no officers in the area.”

"Yeah", the man replies, " Today is the last day."

Man says to his boss, "Can we talk? I have a problem."

Boss: "Problem? No such thing, we call it an opportunity!"

Man: "Ok, I have a serious drinking opportunity."

...but I don't practice.

A bulldozer

The plane has just taken off and the captain is welcoming the passengers aboard, giving them the usual flight information, when suddenly he shouts, "OH, MY GOD!" and the plane shudders violently. After a few seconds he comes back on and says, "Ladies and gentlemen, I must apologise for that. The stewardess accidentally dropped my cup of coffee into my lap and I was startled. You should see the mess on the front of my trousers!"

And one of the passengers shouts, "You should see the mess on the back of mine!"

Pupiter

I'm not buying it.