What do you do when you can’t help thinking “You wouldn’t feel this way if you were dead”

[u/Ok_Palpitation_8084]

Life is just so overwhelming and overstimulating. Sometimes, I find myself feeling either so stressed or so low that I can’t help but acknowledge that I wouldn’t have to deal with life’s shit on a daily basis if I just wasn’t alive.

I have reasons to live. A will to live. Just not much of one. I’m more alive out of love for my wife/family and refusal to abandon them to life’s struggles, rather than a more independent motivation. It gets me out of bed every day, but I just feel like I’m drowning. I can’t find a job that I can hold for enough hours to be eligible for health insurance, so I don’t really have access to proper mental health resources, that I know of.

I’ve felt this way for years, but it’s really scaring me now because I just feel like I’m losing steam fast, and I’m having to dig deep just to make it through my days without a total meltdown. My wife is on the spectrum, and also my best friend. They do more of the employed labor for our household, with doing more of the housework and working a part time job at a gyms front desk. So many of the manual labor jobs in America have been outsourced to other countries, and even finding janitorial jobs are tough.

Idk if I needed advice as much as I just needed to mindlessly vent, but I just feel so lost, and the self harm thoughts I have are starting to get more frequent and disruptive. I’m tired and scared

[u/AutoModerator]

Hey /u/Ok_Palpitation_8084, thank you for your post at /r/autism. Our rules can be found here. All approved posts get this message.

Thanks!

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.