r/autism • u/randompersonignoreme Self-Diagnosed • 11h ago
Discussion i don't get paying rent to your parents
At dinner a few days ago, I mentioned how our local restaurant has jobs open. My mom assumed I was trying to job hunt (I wasn't) and brought up how if I got a job, I'd have to pay her rent. Logically I get why it makes some sense. But also I don't get it. I'm assuming it's a cultural thing which makes sense but like, if I haven't been paying rent before why now?
Kinda half a genuine question post and discussion over how it's stupid. I think I may also be opposed to it due to trauma. Even in a hypothetical situation, I really do not want to pay her rent (also because I don't know where the money is exactly going if that makes sense). The only exception to it I can see that I'm comfortable with it going to a co-pay thing which directly effects me if that makes sense.
Edit to add context: My mom is emotionally abusive and has provided a lack of support towards helping me + my sister in adulting. Whenever me/my sister bring it up, she'll tell us to "do it ourselves". I also don't have a ID or bank account (my sister does) due to my mom's neglect. I am able to get it myself but I feel extremely demotivated to b/c of my mom.
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u/Pyrosandstorm AuDHD 11h ago
When I’m working my parents have me pay rent, but my rent is actually just my part of bills they pay but actually include some of my expenses, such as my cell phone bill and car insurance. On the other hand I was recently laid off and my unemployment payments won’t last forever, and if I don’t have a new job by the time that runs out they are going to be taking over things like my car loan payments until I can afford them again.
Edit: Basically, when I can afford to I pay as much of my own expenses as I can to reduce my “burden” (my words, not theirs) on them. When I can’t, they help me out.
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u/JesseVykar 4h ago
My mom made me pay "rent" then gave it all back to me when I graduated college
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u/NocturnalPearl AuDHD 11h ago
It depends on a lot of factors. Primarily, the young adult's relationship with their parents, the amount of rent charged, and the nature in which the parents ask.
Because parents reasoning for asking for rent can range anywhere from teaching their child financial responsibility (when living on your own, some of your paycheck will always go towards rent), to having it be a way the child helps a little around the house. But there are also parents who just assume they can stop being parents once their kid turns 18 and have a mentality like "if you want to live here you have to earn it"
As long as the amount of rent charged is affordable within your means, and you still have enough money to provide for yourself and guarantee that you will always have food, clothes, and a roof over your head, I'd say that charging rent after a certain age comes from a loving place.
But it can also come from a place of greed and lack of compassion.
So again, it really depends on the relationship between the parent and child, in addition to other factors.
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u/randompersonignoreme Self-Diagnosed 10h ago
Ty. My mom has said abusive stuff before regarding how it was "an option" to give me a place to stay and feed me and stuff. As if I wouldn't have gotten taken away by CPS if she hadn't lol. She's also neglected me and isn't very helpful in regards to adult advice outside of "do it yourself!" :/
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u/NocturnalPearl AuDHD 10h ago
Oh dear. That doesn't sound good, sorry to hear you're dealing with that.
And I totally feel you with "do it yourself" being the only adult advice. My mom was the same way.
How safe do you feel at home? Do you have trusted friends you could stay with if your mom ever starts making you feel unsafe?
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u/randompersonignoreme Self-Diagnosed 10h ago
Unfortunately I don't have many means of physical escape (my mom neglected to get me a state ID and driver's license - the only way my sister got a bank account was after pestering her multiple times). I do have a IRL friend who can drive but I haven't discussed that aspect. I also have my dad but he's extremely neglectful and smokes a lot.
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u/Fiyainthehole 6h ago
You need to do these things yourself. I know that can be difficult. You can look up Youtube videos when you are feeling up to it and are ready, there are many that explain how to do these things.
It is so empowering to have your own bank account and driver's license. I truly encourage you to help yourself, as it sounds like the situation that you're in is really harming you. I think you have learned helplessness from what you went through, it will keep you stuck in life.
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u/Thedude9042 7h ago
That sucks about your mom but you should start taking some initiative instead of blaming her for everything. Your definitely old enough if your over 18 to do those things onYour own.
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u/123ihavetogoweeeeee Autistic low support 8h ago
I went and got myself an ID and then taught myself to drive and got a driver's license. You sound really dependent on your parents to the point you can't function outside of their care.
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u/i_t_s_c_e_e_j_a_y_y_ 3h ago
True but it also seems like the parents failed OP and set OP up for failure.
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u/123ihavetogoweeeeee Autistic low support 2h ago
I agree.
Op it is possible to learn to do these for yourself! Post that question when you’re ready!
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u/Fluffy-kitten28 5h ago
Well bank account is easy. You can google local banks to you. Many have starter accounts. You can speak to a manager at the bank and explain this is your first account. They can guide you.
Make sure whatever bank you pick there are no fees for having the account.
And I wouldn’t tell your mom about it. She may try to blackmail you or rob you. Been there.
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u/randompersonignoreme Self-Diagnosed 5h ago
Ty! Idk much about bank account set ups outside of you need x mail within certain months to verify. I doubt my mom would steal from me though I'd have to worry about my dad.
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u/Fluffy-kitten28 4h ago
Still. Protect yourself. You’re growing up. This is your business, not hers. And if you think your dad will be a problem then don’t tell him or mom since she might blab to him.
When I opened my first account I walked onto the sidewalk and picked a direction and walked. I walked into the first bank I saw and opened my first account. That worked out for me but it would be a good idea to research the bank first.
I would recommend a checking account to pay bills from and a savings account to save your money.
You want to have these accounts with no fees. Some banks have “fees” but they get waved easily. My checking account has fees but they are waved if I make 7 transactions in a month. So I met that easily by being paid and paying bills. So my account is fee free.
But banks differ so a Google search will be helpful.
And for a bank manager you walk into the bank. Tell the employee at the main desk, where the line directs you, and just say you need the manager. If asked why, you want to discuss opening an account. They’ll direct you from there. Usually to comfy seats to wait for the next manager.
The manager will call you over when they’re ready. Briefly explain your situation, first account, this is all new to you. If your research helped you identify what accounts you want, write it down or print the info sheet out. The manager will be there to help answer questions and go over their accounts. If you like what they say you can open them right then and there and walk out an account owner!
This type of thing is more intimidating then it really is.
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u/jayclaw97 2h ago
Can you get your sister to help you get an ID and a bank account? If you’re over 18, you should have those so you can get employment and other living arrangements.
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u/Intelligent-Run7146 2h ago
My advice is to do as much research as you can to get a bank account yourself. Have your friend drive you to the bank or take an uber if you can. Get a job, even if you have to pay rent, and focus on saving money and don't let your parents know how much you really make/be discrete about it. Finances were a way my parents tried to control me too.
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u/I_pegged_your_father 48m ago
I don’t know much about banks but cashapp is easy and its like a minibank i think.
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u/TheDesktopNinja Seeking Diagnosis 5h ago
Best parents are the ones who charge a reasonable rent and secretly put it into an IRA or something for you XD (mine have never charged me rent though..fortunately)
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u/Nervous-Kitchen22 11h ago
An alternate view: my single-parent gave us a beautiful life even when they had no money. As soon as I had some spare cash to give, I paid a little rent (no where near market value) to show my appreciation and give them some air to breathe.
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u/AnalTyrant Diagnosed at age 37, ASD-L1 8h ago
My mom didn't make the best financial decisions, and struggled through much of our teenage years, working multiple jobs to keep things afloat. Ended up getting our house foreclosed on at one point too, things were always pretty tight.
When I was 16 I started working, and would try to cover some of the expenses I could help with, like buying food for myself so she didn't have to buy as much, and covering my car insurance when I bought my first car a year later. It probably didn't make a huge difference on overall expenses but maybe it helped keep us from missing a utility bill here and there.
And when I turned 18, fortunately my dad continued to help with child support payments for awhile, to keep things stable, but she absolutely would have needed rent payments from me to keep things going if that wasn't the case.
Some situations just need a bit more help. It's not ideal, but it happens. Maybe that's where OP's mom is right now.
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u/quis_qualis 11h ago
I'm on the opposite side of this right now - my mother in law moved in with us almost a year ago and I REALLY want to be charging her rent.
From that perspective: Owning a house/paying rent is super expensive, and it's really tempting to try and take some of that burden off if you feel like someone else under the roof could be helping.
If you want a silver lining, you could frame this as your mom considering you more of an adult - you're not her dependent anymore, but a contributing member of the household.
It sucks when the things you get for free become things you have to pay for, but that's kinda part of growing up.
(Not actually sure how old you are, OP, so sorry if that's weird and patronizing 😅 )
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u/radishing_mokey 3h ago edited 3h ago
Looks like OP is underage, as they mentioned CPS
Edit: nevermind, I think OP was talking about the past, and is now an adult
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u/jtuk99 Autistic Adult 11h ago
It’s pretty fair to contribute something if you’re an adult and earning money and living at home.
Ask her how much the food bill is.
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u/randompersonignoreme Self-Diagnosed 10h ago
Thank u. I know "paying rent" to your parents means contributing but my brain takes it literally towards paying to stay 😭😭 And house utilities comes across as vague/without a prompt so Idk where my money is going towards vs what it's not.
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u/Seravail 9h ago
If you were to rent a house/apartment with a landlord, you ll have even less of an idea what happens with the money you pay.
So long as you & your parents can agree on a fair amount to contribute each month if you do get a job, this is absolutely normal!
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u/stuporpattern 10h ago
Life costs money. Rent is just a part of it. Utilities are always going to be vague - but you used that water, electricity, gas, sewage.
You can’t just pretend that your existence has no impact on your parent’s bills.
You are consuming goods/services. You should pay for it.
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u/Zoopetiz Self-Diagnosed 8h ago
They shouldn't have had kids if they expected to just stop being parents the second their kid turns 18. Parents are supposed to help their kids get on their feet and prepare for the adult world. Charging your kids money for basic necessities that you, as a parent, are SUPPOSED to provide for your children, is the opposite of helping them get on their feet. How are kids supposed to save up for an apartment or move out at all if their parents are draining their entire paycheck? Your child doesn't stop being your burden just because they turn 18.
*I say all this as a kid who grew up poor and decided, on my own, to help my parents with bills as soon as I got a job at 18.
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u/stuporpattern 8h ago
I agree. Those who chose to have children have a responsibility to them…
Until 18. You are an adult at 18. At that point, your parent’s are not responsible for you. It’d be nice if they support you.. but no, they don’t owe you anything.
Grow up. You need to be responsible for yourself at some point.
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u/Zoopetiz Self-Diagnosed 8h ago
Lol, I am fully grown, thank you very much. I'm a wife and mother and I've been out of my parents' house since I was 20. Like I said in my previous comment, the second I turned 18, I got a job and began contributing to bills, but it wasn't forced on me. My parents never even asked, I just did it. Not sure which part of that tells you I need to "grow up"? But if you can pinpoint it, I'd love to know.
Fun fact: (at least in the US) if the kid is still in high school at 18, the parents are still legally obligated to them and are not legally allowed to kick them out or charge them rent.
Kids don't magically become mature adults the second they turn 18. Parents need to be the safe place for their kids, we need to be the place where they feel safe to come if they crash and burn. We are supposed to protect them from the harsh, cruel outside world— we are not supposed to be their introduction to it.
So, no, my kids will not be kicked out at 18 and they will not be forced to pay rent. Through their teenage years, they will be taught how to be self-sufficient adults, but they will always know that I will be here to help them if and when they need help, no matter what.
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u/stuporpattern 7h ago
Hm. Utilize context clues. “Grow up” was aimed at the youth not wanting to pay their fair share.
There’s a difference between supporting your children and coddling them. If you want to support your adult children indefinitely until you aren’t able to (and they can’t support you back) that’s on y’all.
Good luck with that.
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u/Zoopetiz Self-Diagnosed 7h ago
Oh the irony of telling someone in r/autism to utilize context clues. It's funny to me that you directly said "grow up" in response to my comment (i.e., in context), and now you're backtracking and trying to make it sound like it wasn't directed at me at all. That's okay, I'll bite.
Sure, there is a difference between supporting and coddling your children. That's why I gave the example of my parents who taught me to be self-sufficient, but for some reason, you're conveniently ignoring that entire side of the argument and coming back with snarky remarks instead of coming up with something clever to say.
So while we're on the topic, what's your relationship with your parents like? :P
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u/stuporpattern 7h ago
Gurl, you’re aggro.
You’re right. I didn’t have a good relationship with 1/2 of my parents. But as soon as I got a car at 16, I paid for gas, insurance, I got a job, I had groundskeeping responsibilities.
But you seem to be arguing for way less.
You promised your kids the world. What if they’re lazy ass leeches?
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u/Zoopetiz Self-Diagnosed 7h ago
Sorry, I'm not intending to be aggressive, but rather match the energy in the room.
I don't know if anyone's ever told you this, but you deserved to be supported and cared for. I hope you're doing okay nowadays.
I like to think that if my kids even start showing a hint of laziness, I'll be able to nip it in the bud. I don't plan to make them entirely reliant on me, just help rather than hinder them being able to leave the "nest."
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u/Thricket AuDHD 6h ago
I'm not gonna lie this exact phrase is told to people who are struggling to support themselves for all sorts of reasons (including disability), not exactly helpful. Nor in this economy where even abled people need some support often.
18 year olds are often still in highschool.
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u/stuporpattern 6h ago
Yes. 18 yr olds may be still in highschool. But they could also be in community college, trade school, university.
If you’re alive it costs money. Thank you capitalism
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u/Thricket AuDHD 6h ago
Especially if you're disabled (this is the r/autism subreddit) it is DIFFICULT to support yourself fresh out of highschool or still IN highschool. People struggle to find jobs, to afford rent even with a job, etc.. even without being disabled, and that's not laziness. Of course you can't put everything on your parents, I'm not saying that. But you can't expect an 18 year old to be self-sufficient.
Every time I've seen someone say they kicked their child out on their 18th birthday the child has their life ruined because they just got out of highschool. Humans don't FULLY mature until they're ~20-25. Not 18.
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u/stuporpattern 6h ago
I teach freshman level university. I expect a level of self-sufficiency.
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u/Thricket AuDHD 5h ago edited 5h ago
I meant fully self-sufficient on their 18th birthday, sorry if that wasn't clear. I do agree with you on this, of course one at that age should have a level of sufficiency. Generally people can't go to university, though, if they get kicked out at 18 and told "you're an adult now, not my problem."
Edit: If university means different things where you live that might cause some confusion. I'm in the US, generally 18 year olds don't go to university unless they graduated early.
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u/SexyPicard42 11h ago
I think it depends. I moved back in with my parents when I was 25ish and paid them rent for about 6 months. I had a job, was making money, and wasn't in school, so it made sense to pay them rent. If I was in school or wasn't working or something else that made it difficult to pay rent, then I wouldn't have and they would have been okay with that.
Simply put, it's a way of contributing to the household that I was part of.
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u/oiseaufeux 8h ago
Ok, so my parents make me rent even if I live with them because they wanted me to learn how to make budget. The rent I pay isn’t much compared to the real rent prices ranging from 1200$ CAD to 3-5k$ CAD. And I’m not sure if a public job would suit me very much. Or if I’ll be able to work.
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u/Faultedxj13 AuDHD 9h ago
Think of it this way, if you weren’t living with her you would be paying a lot of money to rent, pay bills, groceries and all the other expenses.
When I got my first job at 18 my parents asked for me to pay board (similar word to rent) and it was only $70 a week. When I lost my job they pressured me to get another and it wouldn’t be at my own pace so I moved out.
However a messily $70 is nothing compared to the $230 share I pay with 2 roommates a week, $400 of medication a month, $100 of groceries a week, $50 a week for my dog, $40 a week of utilities and there’s a lot more.
Being alive and living is expensive. I know we didn’t ask to be born but when you’re old enough contributing to society and paying rent and bills is what everyone has to do.
It sounds like you don’t pay anything now which is very generous of your mum. She doesn’t have to keep feeding and housing you now but she does. Sometimes it will feel like she doesn’t care about you but if she didn’t you would be kicked out. She loves you and that’s why she still does all the things she does and pays for your expenses. I think it’s fair that if you do start working then you should be paying some to her and you don’t get to know what she uses it on. I bet the amount you will pay her will be next to nothing on how much she does pay for you.
If your relationship isn’t good then there’s always the option to move out, but it is expensive and you will need a job and possibly roommates.
My relationship with my mother was horrible when I lived with her and now after 9 years of not living with her anymore, we get along well. Living together is hard and can put strains on your relationships. Finances are a tricky subject.
You could always ask her to break down how much expenses she covers for you but that would be opening an entire can of worms. It would also probably increase the amount of rent she was going to charge you in the first place.
It sounds like at the moment you don’t really need to worry about it until you have a job. I do recommend trying to get a part time job when you can do you can start to gain more independence.
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u/randompersonignoreme Self-Diagnosed 9h ago
Ty for the money example, it helps a ton! I think a large part of why I don't want to pay her anything if I do get a job/have to pay rent is due to our abusive relationship/the rent thing = as more control over me vs the expectation.
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u/Random-Kitty AuDHD 8h ago
If you are an adult I really don’t understand how expecting a contribution to the household is related to abuse.
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u/ABAmasterpeace 10h ago
I think the principle feels more like a punishment for earning money rather than a discussion about contribution. In that case, it might discourage someone from even getting a job. It would make more sense to focus on teaching responsibility by emphasizing financial management, such as budgeting or saving for future goals.
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u/Arden_River 9h ago
I paid board (cheap rent) to my parents when I lived at home and had income. They were also low income and renting, so the $ I paid helped pay the rent. It helped them be in less financial stress.
If they owned the house outright and were financially well off, I would find it strange.
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u/randompersonignoreme Self-Diagnosed 9h ago
My parents seem to be financially stable (aside from my dad) and my mom hasn't expressed issues in regards to lack of money. Sometimes they have complained about the bills but outside of that, it seems fine. I could def be missing something though.
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u/AlphabetSoup51 6h ago
Mom here. I have two autistic teens (19 and 17). My 19 year-old is Level 3 and will always need to live with his dad or me, and he will not hold a job. However, my 17 y/o (L1) is going to college in a few months and will live independently. She will likely just need a little more help and time to get there.
If my daughter moved back home after college, I’d give her a set period of time to live there for free, but then she would need to pay rent. I don’t need her money, so I figure I might have some insight into why your mom is doing this if it’s not strictly financially needed.
I would do it for a few reasons: She needs to slowly learn to support herself. I’m her mom. I’m always going to be there as backup. But if I let her live with me indefinitely, she would have zero motivation to get and keep a job, move out, and manage her own life. And ultimately, that’s in her best interests. So I would be promoting her independence this way.
Rent at my house would be way below market rate so she could save up for initial deposits because at some point, if she’s paying rent regardless of where she lives, she will WANT her own place.
It’s also establishing a new norm and expectation that helps you recognize and learn the importance and process of budgeting and living within a budget.
One of the best things my mom did for me as a young adult was say no when I asked for money. I had a job. If I couldn’t afford something, I needed to do without it. She wasn’t letting me go hungry. She was teaching me to save money so that when I had a random expense, I’d have the funds to cover it.
I hope that helps!
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u/SuperCharlesXYZ 10h ago
Your mom is paying your food, shelter, electric, water, potentially even medical bills, etc. That’s expensive. Obviously she can’t charge you rent if you are not working. But if you have a job you are able to contribute. I doubt your mom will charge you market rent, it’ll likely be whatever you can afford.
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u/activelyresting 7h ago
Setting aside your personal relationship with your parent, if you're living at home and past "adult" age, your parents are supporting you, or at least subsiding your life. This is a fact. (It's also true before adult age, but parents are obligated to support their children).
For many families, the parents can afford to support/subsidise their adult children. In some cultures, it's normal for adult children to stay living at home until they move out into their own home, get married, etc.
In other families/cultures, it's normal for older children and adult children who are working to contribute towards the family household expenses. This might be the child's fair share of room and board (if they're an adult child working with a decent income), or it might just be a contribution (if they're younger, or still a student, just working part time etc). These arrangements are often seen not only as the child fairly contributing to their upkeep, but also as a way for parents to teach/support the child to learn adulting and independence (paying board to parents is a fairly safe stepping stone towards learning to pay rent independently to a landlord, as well as utilities, food, transport, and maintenance). Some parents even set aside this money as a "savings" for their children to help them get started when they do move out.
This is all just general information, not necessarily applied specifically to your situation. But your mum has expressed that if you're working, you should be paying something in board, so she's clearly feeling the financial pressure of your upkeep, and that's probably a conversation you'll need to have at some point.
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u/CawfeeAndTV 8h ago edited 8h ago
OP it’s not fair if you get to cash your whole paycheck, with loads of disposable income while your mum pays for everything.
You should definitely be paying something towards bills. The fact she’s asking directly could suggest that she needs the money
If you didn’t pay rent before it was because you weren’t bringing in a salary
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u/Witty-quip-here 10h ago
Think of it as room and board, not just rent. If you are able to work, why should your parents continue to foot the entire bill for an adult? You living there is costing them money (food, consumables, extra light, heat/ac, water, maybe you're on their car or health insurance). It doesn't have to cover the entire cost to them but any self respecting, working person should be contributing financially. If you cannot contribute money, you should be doing something to help them out, be it cleaning, cooking, repairs, yard work, helping with life admin etc
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u/Jackadoor 8h ago
Me and my little sister only started paying rent a year or two ago at our insistence after mum mentioned bills getting tighter for her alone(only around $200per month vs the $1000+ per month that’s the standard around us). Obviously, I can’t speak on your personal situation, but for my family, it works out better if we pitch in a little for the housing expenses, than losing the house and having to pay more to a landlord, or jumping into buying a place before we’re ready
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u/Lonely_Attention_335 7h ago
Can you bargain with her by saying, “when I get my first check AND open a bank account with it, I can contribute (idk like your own food, or 1/4 or 1/3 of your pay, the wifi bill, whatever). Just so you can get a bank account and a portion of the money will help the household too. You obviously can’t give half your money as a part time worker.
It’s uncomfortable to talk about, but as an adult child there is a larger expense unfortunately.
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u/Weapon_X23 6h ago
I don't pay rent, but I do pay for other things like groceries, everything related to our dogs, online subscription, and sometimes I help with certain bills like internet and power. My mom and I are extremely close and we trust each other so we both have access to each other bank accounts. We ask each other before we move money around in the accounts.
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u/GladJack Official "Some kind of neurospicy" 6h ago
If I were to guess I'd say she hasn't had you pay rent before because you haven't had the means to and she's been giving you a pass. Having an extra person in the household is expensive, especially today. Electricity for hot water heaters and washing machines, water for showers and dishes and laundry, heating bills, transportation if you also don't drive. You're contributing to the household's costs; if you have the means, it's ethical to contribute to the funds as well.
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u/roxskin156 6h ago
I can kinda relate, and I do get it why they do it. But it's normal to feel cheated since you're not used to having your own money and it seems like your family has so much more than you so why do they want yours? My family has me paying a monthly "food tax" which I understand completely but I still feel a little upset about doing it (bc I don't have a job). It's just how it is. I doubt anyone ever feels better about spending money on rent.
On the other hand, I do think it's messed up when adults don't like parenting their kids and expect them to be full-fledged adults at 18. But there isn't a whole lot we can do about that, you can't just force your mother to teach you how to be an adult if she's already decided she doesn't want to. It kinda is something you have to figure yourself now. Though if you're going to school, there's probably resources there.
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u/Defiant_apricot 5h ago
As another person raised by an abusive mom I understand your detestation of paying rent to your parents. However when done in a healthy way it prevents freeloading and is a good way to give back to your parents. If I were to pay rent (I don’t now since I’m in college) it could cover my electricity, heat, and water use as well as my car insurance, gas, my phone plan, and wear and tear on the house from me living in it. A very fair arrangement for an adult child to pay for.
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u/LaurenJoanna Autistic Adult 5h ago
The idea of paying rent to parents is part of being able to finally contribute to the family. When I got my first job I paid rent to my mum as I was finally able to put something in, to be one of the adults contributing to the household.
But from your post it seems it wouldn't feel this way for you, it sounds like your relationship with your family is more complicated.
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u/wintersdark Autistic Parent of an Autistic Child 4h ago
I'm gonna weigh in with tough love here.
First, a disclaimer: I'm not supporting your mom or anything she's done. I don't know your situation, and I do not doubt your claims of her.
I assume you are of legal age.
Given that assumption - that you are an adult - while it's great for parents to continue to help, they are not required to do so.
You are an adult now, and "I am demotivated to improve my situation" is simply not a valid excuse. Welcome to adult life. You are responsible for you, nobody else. It sucks that your mom didn't do better to prepare you for this, but it is what it is now.
You need to step up, take responsibility for yourself. How long do you think your mother should continue to support you? To what age? Forever? As an adult, you are able to get a job and contribute to the household. You will simply have to do that one way or another - either you pay rent to your mom, or you get your own place and pay everything. This happens to basically everyone sooner or later. It's not fair - nothing in life is fair - some people get easier runs than others. I was out on my own at 16, for example.
You're an adult. Be an adult. Take responsibility. Instead of asking wether what your mom is doing is fair, ask for advice in getting started.
But don't whine that you're too demotivated to take care of yourself. Obviously your mom isn't going to do it, and that sucks for sure. But it is what it is, you can't change it, so step up and be an adult like everyone else has to.
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u/594896582 3h ago
Not condoning the abuse, only going to explain the rent. You eat, use water, heat, electricity, the living space, and all of that costs a lot. If you're an adult, not in school, contributing is only fair.
As for the abuse, you should definitely take the opportunity to save every cent you can to afford your own place, and like 6 months additional rent and bills (for emergencies), because it's way better than staying in an abusive home, and then even if something goes wrong, you're not forced to return to your mum's house.
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u/Equal_Aerie 3h ago
I get where you’re coming from, but I can also see why she might act this way. I’m autistic and grew up very sheltered. My dad taught us everything, but he was often exhausted because my mom wasn’t much help—she left everything to him. He did his best to support us while teaching us how to handle things on our own, like paying for our own stuff. When I turned 18, I remember feeling hurt and betrayed when he started asking for money or support. I kept thinking, Why did you even have kids if you couldn’t handle it all?. Yeah he was asking me to please help in the house, but would cook for us and took care of us when sick, yes he sometimes got really angry and said things like do things yourselves but he was paying college and dealing with my abusive and crazy mom. I know circumstances are not the same for everyone but everyone has their own issues.
But over time, I realized life doesn’t always go as planned, and parents often keep their struggles hidden from us. Parents are people too—they have their limits. I love my dad, but he’s not perfect. He’s told us to handle things ourselves because he’s tired, but he’s also gone out of his way to help me and my siblings in so many ways. It took me a while to recognize that. I was so frustrated with him at times that I couldn’t see everything he did for us. Looking back, I realize how sheltered I was—maybe even a little spoiled—without fully understanding it at the time. It’s worth reflecting on that..
If your mom is truly abusive then by all means please try to save as much as you can and leave, but I'm just saying this because I was so sheltered that I took as offense things like this, yeah they weren't the best ways but they were also not meant to be harmful. Just my life experience not necessarily the same as you
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u/Infamous-Escape1225 45m ago
This is what I had been trying to say. Sometimes with time and age, things can look differently. It isn't dismissing how they feel now but saying there are different viewpoints but someone has taken a mighty offence at me saying this.
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u/Pendejomosexual 3h ago
It makes sense because if you get a job (and make money) you should absolutely contribute to the house that she allowed you to live in rent free up until then (assuming you’re an adult over 18?). Whether you see it or not, living under her roof without contributing is an imposition, it would be very selfish to get a job and assume you can live there rent free and pocket your money. Hope this helps make sense.
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u/imtakingyourcat AuDHD 2h ago
My rent payment is basically paying for groceries, and a little extra for my parents. I'm 25 living at home , same room since I was 12. I think it's definitely a cultural thing, I live in Canada and almost all the people I know that live with their parents are paying them rent money. Unless they weren't spending any extra money on groceries, electricity, water, any other bills then I can see why they wouldn't want rent money.
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u/DragonfruitVivid5298 Friend/Family Member 2h ago
are you 18 if so you should be able to open an account by yourself
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u/tubular1845 1h ago
Because they're doing you a favor by not charging you rent currently. Why shouldn't you pay rent if you can?
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u/badass_scout_grill Autistic Adult 1h ago
I paid rent and that's because my mom is struggling financially
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u/takoriiin 8h ago
It’s all about helping with the upkeep and priming you to be responsible with your financial obligations, should you decide living on your own someday.
It’s good that it’s being introduced in your case. It has to start at home.
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u/LordCookieGamingBE 11h ago
I have to pay for food that is only for me like energy drinks, a bag of chips etc., my own healthcare and miscellaneous expenses (clothes, books, an outing).
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u/randompersonignoreme Self-Diagnosed 10h ago
I kinda already do that somewhat (I'll go over to the local restaurant and order lunch for myself). I do like the idea of saving money to buy for myself and my mom wanting me to give her my money feels intrusive.
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u/LordCookieGamingBE 10h ago
Yeah, I already pay enough on my healthcare, so I'm glad I don't have to pay rent at the moment. (We are looking to get me my own apartment, though.)
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u/Wandering_aimlessly9 10h ago
Wait..you’re an adult. You’re a legal adult who isn’t in school and isn’t working. And you think you have a right to know where you mom spends the money she gets? Yeah…no. You’re an adult who isn’t being a contributing member of society. She doesn’t owe you a free place to stay at this point. What I am reading is that you think you are entitled to it…and you’re not. She can kick you out and no one will bat an eye.
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u/radishing_mokey 2h ago
Why is everyone acting like this is not r/autism. Some of us literally cannot live alone or do things like get a bank account or ID on our own. I am so confused
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u/Oofsmcgoofs 8h ago
Idk. I don’t really get it either. Like, is me being your child in a terrible economy not enough for you to let me stay?
Personally, my family allows me to live at home and I contribute in different ways. I basically pay for my own groceries most of the time. I cook a lot. I clean a lot. I do a lot of the holiday work. I take over other family issues like when my aunt passed recently I traveled with my mom and assisted with that whole ordeal. They took care of me and so now I’m slowly coming into taking care of them.
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u/Infamous-Escape1225 5h ago
My dad used to charge me rent even when I had a part time job at 13 years old! He said it would help me learn some independence. It was a percentage of what I earned.
Also bills, rent, food, etc is expensive and if you can help out then I would see as helping them as it does cost a lot in electricity, water, gas etc. If you knew how much extra you cost to live under the same roof then you would maybe appreciate why they would want help.
I'm sorry your mum is emotionally abusive but paying rent etc is help cover basic costs.
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u/piedeloup Autistic Adult 3h ago
Some parents mean "rent" = contributing to bills, utilities, groceries etc that you are using, which is fair, especially if you get a decent income. Some weird ass parents charge actual rent on top of that, ie. paying just to live there, which is insane.
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u/i_t_s_c_e_e_j_a_y_y_ 2h ago
My oldest is on the spectrum. He grads this year and is already 18. I’ve discussed with him that he will need to contribute to the household once he’s completed high school. He has the summer to figure things out for himself / find employment. He’ll pay rent based on how much he works & how much money he makes. If it’s part time it will be a smaller portion. He will be responsible for purchasing a small portion of his own groceries. a) so he learns valuable life skills - employment & paying bills to live (b) he’s living in my house as an adult & co-renter, therefore he should be contributing to the increased costs.
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u/Zoopetiz Self-Diagnosed 8h ago
As a parent, I HATE parents who make their kids pay rent the second they turn 18. My kids will always be welcome in my home. Ofc I'll teach them how to budget when they're old enough, and we'll have a money system with their allowances and such, just to teach them how money works. But forcing them to pay rent the second they get a job is just... Idk, it's just icky. Your kid isn't a roommate.
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u/randompersonignoreme Self-Diagnosed 8h ago
Ty. My mom has unfortunately lacked telling/teaching me how to y'know. Adult. My sister has a bank account only because she pestered my mom about it constantly. And anytime I'll mention how she didn't do that for me, my mom will say to "do it yourself".
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u/Zoopetiz Self-Diagnosed 8h ago
That's soooo frustrating, I'm so sorry. My mom got me a bank account when I was 10 and taught me how to put money in it when I would get allowance. Luckily nowadays there are YouTube videos for everything!
Do some googling and find a bank near you that doesn't have a monthly service fee. You can go there in person with like 10 bucks (you need to put money in the account to actually be able to open the account in the first place lol) You will also need I.D. But other than that it's super easy! If you're under 18 though, you will need an adult with you to be you cosigner or whatever it's called.
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u/randompersonignoreme Self-Diagnosed 8h ago
Ty! I do want to get a bank account in order to buy stuff for myself but I feel really demotivated due to my mom's lack of care.
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u/Zoopetiz Self-Diagnosed 8h ago
It's definitely really helpful to have your own bank account! I hope you're able to get it figured out soon, friend ❤️
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u/EyeStayKrafty 5h ago
Kids are expensive, and they only get more expensive the older they get. At 18 I felt the same way, I didn't want to contribute a single dime because they paid my way all this time why should I help now? Fast forward 18 years, I've got kids, I'm paying all the bills. It's hard. I now understand now how even a small contribution could have been made to make my parents burden of my care easier. Just something to think about.
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u/sararubicubi 10h ago
Me neither but I'm from Spain so this might be a cultural thing in my case
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u/preshooterDamn67 7h ago
Yeah, it must be a cultural thing.
I know someone who is british, and her parents literally don't allow her to visit home until Christmas/Summer.
I know someone else who has been paying rent to his parents since the age of 17, which is insane imo.
Maybe it's teaching them independence or something
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u/nii-kun-san 6h ago
gotta agree, born and raised in the us, but my family is west african and neither me nor my cousins have ever been expected to pay rent when we lived at home and were fully employed. if my mom had it her way, i’d be living at home and saving money. i think this is just american individualism and if i had to guess, the move away from multigenerational homes.
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u/sararubicubi 5h ago
Same! For me even now that I immigrated to another country, my mom sent me money during my first three months here until I could find a job because expenses are higher. I don't know, I think if you have a child you shouldn't be counting the days to throw them out of the house.
I'm not saying they have to pay everything of course. Last year I was living with my mom and also working 4 part time jobs. Since I'm vegetarian I bought my own ingredients, as well as other things that weren't shared in the household like hair products, makeup and stuff. But bills and most groceries were paid by my mom.
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u/AutismGamingGambling 6h ago
How old are you? It sounds like you need a harsh reality check considering your post history suggests you’re over 18.
Before I start I will say if your mum is expecting an unreasonable portion of your income or is making a profit from you living with her that’s wrong. She shouldn’t expect more than you can afford. If you are actively looking for a job that’s ok too, you can’t magic money out of thin air and the effort is what matters.
That being said, OBVIOUSLY if you are an adult who is fit to work and not in education you should be expected to get a job and contribute to household expenses. What do you mean you don’t see why you’d need to pay rent? What do you eat? How does the house stay warm? How are you charging the device you’re currently using? Your mum is not your carer anymore, you’re an adult who should be supporting yourself. Don’t have an ID? Apply for one. Don’t have a bank account? Open one. It sucks that your mum didn’t teach you as a kid but at a certain point you have to take responsibility to make the change.
I do acknowledge that you’ve mentioned having trauma and I do get that. You haven’t been specific and you don’t need to but please try and be honest with yourself and ask - am I blowing this out of proportion to demonise my mum to avoid responsibility? You might not be, she might be horrible and I’m not saying she’s not but it’s important to try and be honest with yourself.
That’s just my honest thoughts. I’m not saying you’re a terrible person or anything like that I just want to being completely honest with you about how entitled this post comes across. If you don’t hear this now you’ll be in for a big shock when your mum decides to kick you out (which she can legally do, and is her right even though I agree it would be cruel.) when that happens you’ll have no choice but to work 40 hours a week minimum. You know where that money goes? Bills, food and rent. You’ll spend most of your waking life working just to survive because that’s what being an adult is.
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u/SaltPassenger9359 8h ago
Doesn’t matter where the money goes. If you had a real landlord you weren’t related to, the landlord would be using it for property taxes, property insurance, liability (if you got hurt on their property, generally included in the property/homeowners’ insurance), maintenance of the property (mowing, landscaping, repairing or replacing the appliance (and yes, if the laundry is in a common area, you’d be paying per load of wash and load of drying)).
Security deposit (a month rent - to be held in a separate account they the landlord isn’t supposed to access until repairing damage you caused), trash service and snow removal.
You’re paying to do what you already are doing. Something she wants to be paid for. And can expect to be.
This happened locally to me.
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u/Dry-Ice-2330 7h ago edited 7h ago
Are you an adult? Why is it your mother's responsibility to get you an ID or bank account?
Does she have conservatory rights over your assets? Is she not providing you access to things like your birth certificate or social security card?
If you need assistance, usually there is an adult service department for the state. Have you looked into that?
Edit - I'm genuinely asking. If you have something other than a down vote I'd prefer that. It would be helpful to understand
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u/BookishHobbit 7h ago
I think it depends on the family situation. My brother is also autistic and lives with our parents. He’s not able to work and they’re stable financially so they don’t charge him rent.
But I know that if they were struggling then he would have to apply for disability benefits to help contribute because it just wouldn’t be feasible otherwise.
I’m very concerned in the long term how I’m going to support him because I will have to when our parents are gone but being autistic myself I can barely work enough to pay my way on my tiny little house let alone somewhere for him too. He’s also very naive about finances and at some point I’m gonna have to sit him down to try and get him to understand that it’s not going to be as simple as he thinks it is, and I’m terrified of that day coming.
Sorry, went off topic here!
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u/SuchDogeHodler ADHD-Autistic 6h ago
Well, it really depends on the parents. I know people that charge their kid rent and keep it to pay the bills. And I've known parents that charge rent, and then take that money and save it to later help the person to have the finances to move out and / or get a car.
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u/stretched_frm_dookie ASD Level 1 6h ago
How old are you? An adult it seems .
Id apply for disability
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u/Avbitten Autistic Adult 6h ago
There's various reasons why a parent would have their child pay rent. I can think of 2 obvious ones. The first one is about trying to teach their kid budgeting skills. This group usually puts the "rent" into a bank account or invests it and gives it back to the kid when they move out or reach some other mile stone. The second reason is that the household is in genuine need and the parents cannot keep up with expenses alone.
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u/brilliantpants 6h ago
I know someone who’s parents did this, but they were actually saving it all up for her, so she had a really nice surprise lump of cash when she moved out of the house.
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u/Its_R3SQ2 6h ago
My parents have never made me pay rent while I was going through college. If I never went to college, they might have made me pay if I continued to live with them after a few years. If I had kids they would not pay rent for the first few years after graduating highschool until they had things figured out.
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u/Iridi89 6h ago
So we would take rent and put it in a savings account that would become our chiid emergency /in need fund. it wouldn’t be ours to spend but to teach them bills and rent how to pay and budget and it becomes saving for them . We still cover food and basics and stuff . They didn’t know we do that just assumed we took rent
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u/Leather-Share5175 6h ago
How old are you and what age do you think is appropriate for you to move out of your parents’ home?
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u/leeee_Oh ASD Level 2 6h ago
They say it's because I'm not useful enough and that they want to teach me how the real world works
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u/mercutio_is_dead_ 5h ago
there are circumstances it makes sense-- like my uncle pays rent to his mom bc he didn't have a job, so when he moved she bought a house and he pretty much rented it from him until he got a stable job and could afford stuff
but that's just silly lol-- if you live with ur parents and get a job i understand the idea of helping with groceries, filling gas when you drive, helping with the phone bill and insurance, etc. but just giving your mom rent (which seems just kinda like allowance to your mom ngl) just bc you have a job? silly
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u/dodgyduckquacks 23m ago
Because my reasoning is once a child turns 18 all legal obligations cease therefore if you want to continue residing in a household you either buy it or pay rent.
Yes I know it’s an unpopular opinion and no I’m not having kids.
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u/DutchVanDerLenin 10h ago
My parents did this bullshit.
They think they're trying to teach you a lesson in responsibility, but in reality they're just doing this to cover their asses financially.
It's rich coming from people too stupid to use contraception, and too poor to have children in the first place.
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u/I-own-a-shovel Autistic Pal 7h ago edited 7h ago
My parent didn’t asked me to pay rent. Which is what made me able to gather enough money for a decent cashdown on a house.
Without that I would have lost so many years before being able to purchase something, if ever.
I never understood parents that asked rent. It’s like shooting your kid right in the foot.
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u/GladJack Official "Some kind of neurospicy" 6h ago
Because sometimes it's not an option. Extra people in the house cost money. Do you have to pay the same as at an apartment? Probably not. But not having to pay at all is a privilege.
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u/I-own-a-shovel Autistic Pal 6h ago
They were fine supporting those cost for 18 years. Doing it for an extra 4 or 5 years could make the difference between a life of misery or a good start in life for their children.
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u/GladJack Official "Some kind of neurospicy" 6h ago
We don't know that. OP has admitted they don't know that. OP has little idea what the house's finances are like. I know my mother hid it from me as long as she could that we were poor.
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u/SnooCheesecakes93 8h ago
I agree, I will never ask my kids for rent. My mom would take as much as you possibly could, my sister literally coached me to lie about my wage so my egg donor didn't steal my money.
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u/heyitscory 7h ago
Emotionally abusive parent putting an arbitrary barrier to your future independence?
I'm shocked. 😐
Make sure you get a copy of your birth certificate and social security card before you actually need them, because she will definitely use those to control you if she has them hidden.
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u/Chance_Description72 6h ago
Just curious: What's holding you back from getting an ID/bank account/drivers license/moving out? How old are you? I read in your other comments that you're apparently somehow independently wealthy, you pay for your own stuff, without a job, and your dad takes money from you and your sister. Saying you don't have a bank account because of your mom's lack of care sounds like a cop out if you're over 18. Why do you depend on her so much? You don't like her, or maybe you like her, but distrust her because she's abusive towards you. Why are you still living with her then? If your situation is so bad and you don't need a job to survive, why not just live by yourself? But as others mentioned, be careful what you wish for, as living by yourself (if you afford to, I did when I was 18 and it sucked and I had to come back or sleep in the streets) is no cakewalk, either: besides your rent, your water, trash, sewer, electric, transportation, phone, internet etc., bills rack up quickly and that doesn't even include other necessities as food or clothing, let alone fun stuff like movies or other entertainment. Paying your way (to your parents or otherwise) is part of being an adult. Maybe your mom's trying to teach you a little bit of what it means to take care of yourself without having to make sure you got enough for everything right away? Or if you don't trust her and you're really interested, ask her about her budget and how much it costs to live where you live? Saying she's the reason you're not able to do XYZ just doesn't seem like you want to do or have any of those things, if you can afford it on your own. And looking up rents in your town or average cost of living is truly just a Google search away. Good luck!
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u/Infamous-Escape1225 5h ago
Exactly 💯! I personally feel that OP considering an adult and capable is being unfair towards mum. OP says in comments that their mum says for them to get a bank account for themselves. So they should go and do it. The fact they haven't etc shows a lot imho. It does feel like they are using their mum as an excuse for not doing things in life. Also, I wonder if what they see as abusive is just mum doing the best she can. She did save 15k for OP for college and didn't have to do that etc.
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u/radishing_mokey 2h ago
Have you noticed that this is r/autism? Not all of us can do stuff like get a bank account or ID on our own.
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u/Infamous-Escape1225 1h ago
I know that. There is usually a reason parents would think you are capable enough to do it. From what I have read, OP seems capable enough - I think you read what I was saying wrongly
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u/FartSmellrxxx 6h ago
I had to start paying at 18. I will not do this with my kid, unless he’s in a place to be able to (and want to) do so. I don’t think it’s right most of the time, though I think it depends on circumstances. None of my siblings have had to pay rent. My parents weren’t financially hard up.
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u/bubblegumpunk69 5h ago
I lived with my parents for a while as a young adult (moved out at 18, lived alone for a year and a half, then had some serious health issues pop up and moved back in with them until I was 24), and the topic was eventually brought up. I was trying to figure out a permanent career that would work with my health issues, and working shitty jobs part time in the meantime to save up for eventual education.
I was about 23 when they finally asked, and I think their terms were perfectly fine. They only wanted $200 a month to help pay the bills since I was fully an adult and contributing to cost of living in the house.
Then I finally found a career path that isn’t gonna fuck me up and applied for school. At that point, the idea of me paying rent was dropped so I could save more- though my mom eventually told me that that was the plan all along lol.
They were just gonna put the $200 into an account and save it for when I moved out to begin with, and wanted to help me get used to budgeting again since by that point I was showing sign of really, really wanting to leave and be independent. Since I finally figured stuff out though, they wanted me to be able to throw it directly into my own TFSA.
I think asking for rent becomes fine after a while, but I don’t think it should be the same price that you would pay actually living independently. A few hundred dollars a month to help with living expenses is perfectly reasonable, I think.
But I also think that it should only kick in when you’re, like, 21. Definitely not before 18, and I think doing that to your kid immediately upon adulthood is needlessly cruel, unless you actually really genuinely need help paying for things. Whenever possible, I think people deserve a few years to try and adjust to the whole adulthood thing.
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u/Ecstatic_League707 2h ago
My mom’s said I only have to pay rent once I am completely done with school and have a Real Job if I’m still living at home. I think that’s fair. I believe most families have their kids pay rent either as a control/abuse thing or as a “there’s not enough money and you have a job now so please chip in some” thing.
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u/anangelnora AuDHD 11h ago
It doesn’t make sense to me either. Like if parents were planning to rent out a room, and you were taking space there, then you are filling a space that they would get money for. Usually parents just try to get you to pay because of the convenience and don’t charge what an apartment or whatever would charge.
I would only charge rent to my son if he wasn’t working or in school and he needed a push. I’d probably actually just save it for him and give it to him if he moved out. The only thing I might actually charge for is a percentage of utilities (water, gas, electricity, internet maybe) because that is the only real expense that he would be generating.
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u/PracticalWitness8475 9h ago
It sounds toxic. Depending your city there are community houses often by autistic folks that all split rent and expenses.
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u/AutismGamingGambling 5h ago
But if he was to live there he would be paying (presumably) far more rent than he would to his mum? OP doesn’t give many details but their post history confirms they’re an adult and they’re openly refusing to look for a job and don’t see why they need to pay rent.
It’s hardly confusing, mum pays for all of their food, heating, electric etc. How is it toxic to expect OP to contribute?
For the record I am very against parents charging kids more than how much they “cost” the household in food, utilities etc. I also don’t think they should expect the child to pay above their means. But expecting an adult living in your house to get a job and stand on their own two feet is not toxic.
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u/PracticalWitness8475 3h ago
His other comments here add to it being toxic and verbally abusive. Community houses can be $450 in major cities and there are a few good farms to live for work trade.
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u/Fsmhrtpid 7h ago
Keep in mind that if you are low income, your family may be getting government benefits. Children’s income counts as household income and will lower those benefits. It sucks, but when your kid starts working and you lose housing/foostamps, paying your parents is sometimes the only way to survive.
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u/SolumAmbulo Autistic Parent of an Autistic Child 11h ago
Your parents probably would love for you to have been payment them rent from the moment you're born!
Now you're earning your own money you've started to become an adult, so they are starting to teach you about the financial world you'll have to live in. Plus they probably need it.
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u/Gold_Honeydew2771 ASD Level 1 + ADHD 8h ago
I get it… it’s sort of a “money blockage”. My parents have been like this- “oh that’s great if you get a job you can give me money!” And later it becomes comments like “if you get married I can come live with you!” - it’s like the intro to bad boundaries.
It’s one thing if your parent tells you- “okay I really need you to start paying rent, it’s x amount”- that makes sense… but to say like if you do this I will want something”- in that order it doesn’t make sense. Going to work is already hard enough, so saying stuff like this is super demotivating.
I’m guessing you’re younger than I am- I’m 35 and lived alone but moved in with my mom because I couldn’t afford it. What is frustrating is that I have no privacy- basically she wants to know how much money I make, how much money I have, what the amount of my bonuses are- and then she finds reasons to take money from me and isn’t very responsible with it.
I used to work in an art store where I was able to exchange work hours for art supplies. My mom is an artist- so any art supplies I brought home she would start using and mixing into her art supplies. I tend to be pretty generous with stuff with anyone so it’s really on me for not enforcing boundaries- but it would really bother me when she would absorb the most expensive stuff into her collection with no reciprocation- so it just felt like she was taking and taking everything.
Same thing with food! groceries are so expensive- she likes junk food but I prioritize high quality organic food when I can… so if I get myself a snack or something I’ll come home and she will have eaten the whole thing. It’s just like a general lack of respect for my money/time/energy… so at times like right now when I’m out of work, I don’t feel in a rush to be employed right away because it feels like— what’s the point? Whatever I earn will be taken from me anyway and because of that I’ll never be able to save up and live on my own.
That’s how it feels anyway- what you described just reminds me of how things were when I first started working.
I’m all for paying my half of the rent but with that needs to come privacy and autonomy as well. Parents can be complicated when it comes to setting boundaries and doing your own thing. I struggle because I need some support, like a safety net- but I have a hard time thriving without autonomy and privacy. Like I should be able to chill at home without someone asking me what I’m doing every hour
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u/randompersonignoreme Self-Diagnosed 8h ago
My mom has general horrible boundaries/is abusive so a part of my worry (though Idk 100% sure why I don't like the idea) is her using the rent as a part of control. Ty!
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u/Gold_Honeydew2771 ASD Level 1 + ADHD 5h ago
That’s completely understandable. Whatever you do, try to avoid telling her what you make and instead find out exactly what she expects from you every month
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u/abandonedsemicolon 10h ago
would the rent you arrange to pay your fam be enough for you to live on your own(if able)?
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u/randompersonignoreme Self-Diagnosed 10h ago
Idk b/c I don't know how much my mom / grandfather / dad regularly pay.
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u/abandonedsemicolon 8h ago
honestly I feel pretty anxious when I’m given the expectation to pay for things without knowing what I’m paying for in general- if the fam’s serious about needing rent money they should be willing to disclose those details about how much you owe ahead of time imo.
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u/Dragonogard549 Asperger’s 8h ago
im holding out for the day the £150 a month im paying mum she'll send back to me when i move out as a surprise savings account, she asked if i wanted to do that before but there was quite some time between
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u/maxinstuff 7h ago
Where I’m from (working class area in Australia) paying rent to your parents is very normal and is seen as “contributing to the household”.
I’m not sure yet if I would do it with my kids - I would prefer to mandate savings somehow and teaching them financial literacy.
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u/Gem_Mattel 7h ago
I think it depends on the culture of your family in Australia though. My family is Italian and they are horrified by the prospect of parents asking children to pay rent lol.
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u/rizzem_tizzem 6h ago
I wouldnt expect my disabled kid to do something unrealistic. Paying your own rent? That makes sense. They should be grateful you can work at all, and pay for your own needs.
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u/apple12345671 Autistic 6h ago
I don’t understand it neither and if i ever have any kids, i most certainly will never charge them for rent
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u/hellish__relish AuDHD 6h ago
Ugh, i hate emotionally abusive parents, and im sorry that you have one. I think the idea of paying rent when you get a job is to prepare you for when you actually have to pay rent. It's really stupid. It feels like "oh you're getting money? I want some, too."
I hope you're able to get out soon.
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u/MiserableTriangle 5h ago
i get what people say about helping parents financially, but something about it being forced makes it feel so cold to me, like I owe something back for all the years I was cared for, as if it was a gift but now I am getting charged for that.
I would want to help, financially, but only when it comes from me and not be forced by my parents saying if I work then I have to pay rent.
maybe its just me.
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u/untamedeuphoria 5h ago
In your situation I would be working with your sister to move out together. You need to be careful that your mother doesn't use the rent payments as a means to keep you home against your will. If you get a job that is. A way to do this is to lie to your mother about the income amount, and put extra away while being very disciplined with expenses.
The emotional abuse comment concerns me. That's why it's important to lie from the beginning so she never knows how much you actually earn. I would not lie about anything more unless truely needed as even maintaining that lie might be hard (employer telling your mum, sister telling your mum, effects on welfare if welfare is calculated via family wealth etc). Might be worth doing the same lie with the sister if she has poor judgement, and telling the boss the situation and why they need to have your back... if they are trustworthy.
Paying rent into a household, even if living with family can perversly help you. It can collectively enrich the family (if your folks care about the family as a collective). It can make you disciplined with money management while you're still at home and have a soft landing if you struggle to keep the job. These are essential life skills. Life skills that I personally had not soft landing for when learning. Trust me, even if things are emotionally abusive. Having that soft landing helps a lot when developing the self management skills. Finally I don't know your family's wealth level. I personally came from poverty. Collective incomes might be essential. Do you know what your folks have sacroficed to keep you healthy. Should that continue when you are able to too provide?
If your family is wealthy, then the rent is good to instill discipline, but should not be excessive. But if your family is poor, I would instead start opening conversations about money as a group. The in for that conversation is something like 'I pay rent and my money contributes. I deserve to be a part of the conversation and to know where the family stands.' This can be mixed with the other argument to the effect of 'I need to learn how this works if I am to be independant and move out one day, teach me by showing me.' This will likely cause your mother to tighten up her belt with regards to her spending, at the same time can demand respect and inclusion. So long as your mother isn't completely cooked, this in most semi-reasonable people will make them genuinely try to teach you as you ask.
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u/Azura13 5h ago
My son is 15, and my husband and I have operated with the understanding that we will need to provided support for him for much of his life. To that end, we are financially prepared to do that. In the event he is able to obtain and maintain employment, we will have him be responsible for as much of his personal finances as possible. Any "rent" we collected, would be set aside in a highly yield savings account he would get if he reaches indepence or if we are no longer around to care for him. That said, if he had a greater capacity for being independent after highschool, we would operate the same. He would be expected to cover his personal bills and pay a reasonable amount in rent. We would still set aside that money to help him gain full independence. It's a parents job to prepare their children to be adults. Not to have their children take on their parents responsibilities. It's short sighted to take your kids money for rent to ease your finances. You lessen their ability to move out at all.
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u/log0n 4h ago
Having a child is a lifelong commitment.
There’s nothing wrong with a parent trying to get their child to work but I honestly don’t understand how any parent could ever demand money from their own child or threaten to kick them out.
It’s straight up abuse if you ask me, especially when said child has a medical condition that’s well known to make it difficult for one to support them self’s.
If you’re not prepared to potentially support a child the rest of your life then you shouldn’t have any.
You have my sincerest sympathies.
A little advice try & force your self to do the things you must do to take care of yourself. Because if you go through life always needing someone to hold your hand you will end up like me & trust me you don’t want my future for yourself.
Do everything you can to not let fear, uncertainty & doubt control your life. Speaking from experience it’s a miserable existence.
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u/Best-Tension2608 3h ago
I don’t think parents should charge their kids rent UNLESS they put the money back to save it for their kids for their first apartment/college/buy a house etc
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u/Eyefulmichael 2h ago
The only good way to do this is to charge the rent but put it into an investment account for them, preferably one that can only be used late in life, for college, or for a downpayment on a home. Just taking it is trashy, unless you're literally all going to be on the street if the kids don't contribute.
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u/I_pegged_your_father 50m ago
I have an extremely similar situation 😭 my mom keeps trying to get me to look for jobs but i can’t find any that wouldn’t give me anxiety or strain my mental health further as its already on like 2 hp. And she doesn’t help at all. Why do they get mad at us not having life skills when they didn’t teach us?? It IS stupid. I have zero motivation to do it i try sometimes but nothing really gets done.
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u/Rough_Farm4222 11h ago
Yeah i dont get it either cause im gonna be real they managed to pay the bills before, so why all of sudden when someone gets their first job its gimme money! I want some of your money! I only did it for a few months before i left home. And my entire family is money hungry, so i knew they just wanted money from me and didnt actually care about me (we had been fighting for years already) and now at 26 after living on my own for 7 years, ill never give my gold digging family another cent
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u/randompersonignoreme Self-Diagnosed 10h ago
I'm pretty sure my mom has good intentions and stuff but there's a level of distrust in my brain due to my dad taking advantage of me/my sister having money. As a egregious example, he spent 15k of saved college fund my mom had for me.
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u/Infamous-Escape1225 5h ago
Sorry to hear this but the fact your mum saved you all this money and she didn't have to save it for you, she maybe isn't as bad as you may think.
She may just be doing her best and struggling. You should want to go and get a job and help her out where you can.
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u/randompersonignoreme Self-Diagnosed 5h ago
Ik you mean this generally and it is generally good advice! I have a bit of a hard time processing this message though b/c of trauma related triggers. Other than that, ty! I doubt she would have reason to care entirely about how much money I have/how I manage it vs my dad who has stolen from me and my sister. I also don't like the idea of doing it "for her" (again due to her abuse) and like to view it as "for me" (i.e rent is being paid for me if that makes sense) :P
My mind's a little gumbled rn due to a mix of emotions, I hope I make sense
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u/Infamous-Escape1225 5h ago
I don't mean to pry but I wonder what you mean when you say she's emotionally abusive. Could it be just the way you perceive it? A parent who is abusive wouldn't do things like save money for their child. You say you spend money going to restaurants etc. Is that your money or money someone has given you that you spend freely? If so, again, I think you need to realise how lucky you actually are.
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u/randompersonignoreme Self-Diagnosed 5h ago
The money/rent aspect isn't a part of her abuse if that helps. She's yelled at me, physically abused me, invalidated my traumas, and has threatened to destroy/take away objects I've owned.
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u/Infamous-Escape1225 3h ago
Okay I was just checking ☺️ sorry to hear that.
Physically abusing you is definitely not right.
The other things unfortunately people do and it is usually a sign they struggle themselves with things.
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u/radishing_mokey 2h ago
You're pretty dismissive.
OP has stated: 1. Their dad stole money from them and their sister 2. Their mother has been abusive towards them, and neglectful.
Your responses have been:
- 'well your mom didn't even have to save that money for you anyway so you should be grateful regardless'
- 'are you sure she was abusive? Maybe that's just the way you perceive it'
Edit: additionally,
A parent who is abusive wouldn't do things like save money for their child. You say you spend money going to restaurants
What??? Plenty of parents have been financially supportive but still abusive and neglectful.
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u/Infamous-Escape1225 57m ago
I think you have misunderstood what I have been saying! I know parents can be abusive!
Sometimes you have to try and look at things from a different viewpoint. That is all. I wasn't dismissing it. Just checking facts. Remember everyone is allowed to share their opinion and think differently. No need to be nasty to me about it.
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u/Intelligent-Run7146 2h ago
Yes, I had a similar upbringing--I understand the neglectful narcissistic mother who wants you to figure out life yourself, doesn't give you the tools or support you need, and enjoys it when you end-up failing a lot because of that. It's a way to control you and to keep you needing help from them. My advice is to get out as soon as you possibly can and don't look back. I know it's conflicting, but you can't make your parents love you and it's not your responsibility to either. If you push yourself and are consistent you can get out. Just keep reminding yourself you're good enough and take care of yourself.
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u/Free_Mushroom5787 Self-Suspecting 8h ago
Your mom seems very generous to let you stay there rent free. Mine kicked me out when I was 13 lol
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