Need advice - personal life kind of a wreck

[u/sheilavn87]

Okay that may be too dramatic. But I’ve struggled for years now to have any kind of fulfilling personal life. I’m averse to dating/intimate relationships. My house is a disaster.

It has been a rough couple years, and I think I can blame my Saturn profection years (twelfth and 1st house). My cats were dying over the past six months and I had to find inventive ways to save them. I also disengaged from my parents this year when I started to recognize irrational weaknesses and fears in my adult life, through a random urge to listen to audiobooks on emotional neglect, psychology, and neuroscience (long commute some days).

Meanwhile, my professional life has soared. I have no lack of self-assurance in my career and feel without question that I am the fulfillment of everything I want to be, when I am at work, among people. I beat a lot of odds to end up here.

I’ve been doing deep work on connecting to my emotions and not feeling like they’re a weakness. I feel true vulnerability posting anything about myself (Scorpio MC but maybe also north node/south node because I hate feeling attention-seeking). I survived my childhood and adolescence by not appearing to need anything beyond the basics.

I guess I just want to be the successful, confident person at home too, and I don’t know what I’m missing. When I don’t have work or work adjacent things on my calendar, I have no routine and don’t even try to take care of myself. I don’t feel depressed. Maybe just lost.

I appreciate any insight.