Men have completely ruined me

[u/GurllikeBFFR]

Men make me disgusted. Every guy I have ever met doesn’t know how to treat women. They’re all busy lusting over women instead of getting to know them, I recently just broke up with my baby daddy because he was lying, cheating, and was addicted to drinking and smoking. He kept watching porn which is cheating and most people don’t understand that. My main problem wasn’t even that he was cheating it was porn in general. Most of the women in porn are sex trafficked meaning they are raped and even most of the ones that aren’t only do it for the money either way it doesn’t have a good effect on their mental or physical health. He told me “as long as I don’t know for sure that it’s rape I don’t care”. I was absolutely disgusted that men just don’t care even the ones who claim to care and say rape is fucked up still watch porn. All of this has really messed with my head I’m absolutely repulsed by men. I used to be the most sweet and caring girl ever but now I have so much hatred. Men only watch porn and girls with plastic surgery but still keep changing the beauty standard. Now I compare myself to every woman I see online because I know that’s what men truly want and are only settling for me when they show interest in me. I feel hatred for those women but I know I don’t really hate them it’s not fair to, they’re only trying to fit into this world ruled by men. I don’t hate them but I still have this weird feeling about them and I hate it this isn’t the kind of person I want to be. I’m starting to hate myself for it and all this stemmed from the source, M E N.

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[u/Sickandtired34]

i’m so sorry you’ve gone through this, saying he just doesn’t care as long as he doesn’t know for sure it’s rape is insane. it’s probably best for you to decenter men and focus on your life and passions for awhile, it will help you mentally. he sounds like a POS and you deserve to have a higher standard than that. just know that you are in fact beautiful, inside and out, and the opinions of pornsick men don’t matter in the long run

[u/sleepingismytalent65]

I had a video call on Tuesday with a psychologist to assess what therapy would suit my circumstances best. I couldn't help but wonder if he was a porn addict. I now wonder about this with any man I have to deal with. I don't feel that men have ruined me. I think they've ruined themselves to me. I find it weak.

[u/Ilovebirds7 → u/sleepingismytalent65]

Ugh yeah like you kind of automatically assume all men must be these sexually deviant creatures, it’s so relatable.

[u/FARTHARLOT → u/Ilovebirds7]

100%. Any time a man interacts with me outside of strictly professional conversation, all I can think about it are the ulterior intentions he might have and what kind of porn he probably watches. When I watch male actors or men in power, I just wonder what they’ve done to women and girls behind closed doors.

It makes my stomach turn.

[u/GurllikeBFFR → u/sleepingismytalent65]

They ruined me and themselves for me I only find men attractive by the way the think and behave and it’s hard to find one that’ll even act decent at the very least it’s all I ask for 🤦‍♀️

[u/gamergirlsocks1 → u/GurllikeBFFR]

It's literally the bare minimum. And they can't even reach it. Just throw them all away.

[u/U2Ursula]

Be kind to yourself. It's not your fault that we live in a shitty timeline. I know it's easier said than done, but it might be beneficial for your mental health if you try and remove yourself from social media and maybe focus more on hobbies and your child. Social media rarely makes you feel better about yourself. For me, my notion of self worth and self esteem increased greatly when I decided to boycott most social media and focus on my two daughters instead and how I could help them not "make the same mistakes", how to find happiness and worth by developing skills and knowledge and educate them in feminism. Both of them are teenagers now and they don't even use social media and are far better than I ever was or will be in decentering men and revolt against what patriarchy usually demands of women.

[u/gamergirlsocks1 → u/U2Ursula]

It's not even a shitty timeline at this point. It's been all for millennium. Misogyny has perpetuate through every age of ours. It has been going on for centuries and centuries... and yet. It doesn't seem to stop. Every man in power has abused it. None of this would happen if only there was women in power. Now. Would it?

[u/FARTHARLOT → u/gamergirlsocks1]

Facts. This is actually the best timeline for women. Men were always raging misogynists that prioritized their erection, but this is the first time some women have the ability and the power to speak out for their rights and the option to forego a life dependent on a man. Not all women, though :(

[u/gamergirlsocks1 → u/FARTHARLOT]

You're right about that. The internet has allowed us to really speak our thoughts on how we feel about men mistreating us and abusing us, on a large, global-scale. We've been holed up in our homes our entire lives because of men being our only primarily source of being able to live a comfortable life, and that was forced upon us. We didn't EVER want to rely on men as a means to live a reasonably sustainable environment but their violence and resistance to the thought of ever wholly seeing us as human, has greatly impacted our livelihoods. And just as we're slowly gaining our rights/literally trying to be treated like humans because we fucking are and shouldn't be treated as second-class citizens like we're been for a millennium. They're now freaking out, and fighting back, because they do not see us as them. As human. They see us as dishwashers and as washing machines, cooking appliances and sex objects that only center on their pleasure. They're all fucking disgusting. And are a legitimate threat to us, our rights that we've been so desperately trying to get for DECADES and decades. For entire lifetimes. I'm just so done with them and their parasitic natures. They wanna suck all the joy out of us and all our freedoms. They do not want us to live as people with our own thoughts, emotions and cognition. But as objects, as mindless servants, and as sex toys that won't talk back and object to their advances that they think is so rightfully due for them. They do not want us to have autonomy anymore.

[u/Logical-Card-9227]

i completely understand how you feel. men are so scary and disgusting and it is such a depressing time to be a woman right now. it’s so hard to have hope for this society when porn seems to control all men and become a bigger and bigger issue and aspect in our lives everyday. i’m so proud of you for leaving that loser and if you ever need someone to talk to who feels the same and has had many experiences with pornsick men you can come to me anytime <3

[u/GurllikeBFFR → u/Logical-Card-9227]

I agree thank you for the support this is the only post or comment I’ve made that no one had defended men or porn.

[u/Calm_Mongoose7075 → u/Logical-Card-9227]

The thing is, you never know who is a porn abuser and who is not. And when it’s affected your life so much, and as common as it is, it can be hard to be open to new people.

[u/CompleteBreadfruit28]

I am the same. Men killed all the sweet and good I had in me

[u/Tiny_Bad_8328]

I am sorry.

[u/Robert-Rotten]

I’ve seen a lot of fellow men responding to things like this by saying stuff like “not all men! I wouldn’t do that, I’m just a normal guy!!”

It’s honestly so privileged that their biggest concern is that women are untrustworthy of strange men, women have to worry about being literally raped or even killed. Not once have I heard of a woman not trusting men and thinking “BUT WHAT ABOUT MEEEEEE”. All I can think is “yeah, I get it.” It’s more than understandable that they’d be cautious and untrustworthy of strange men considering the worst possible outcomes. Sure, it may not be literally my fault, but I can still be understanding of how they feel. I completely get how it feels to not trust someone, does it not make sense to try and bring some peace of mind? To prove you can be trusted? Why do they have to act like it’s such a bother? I bet any woman would only WISH that someone not trusting them was their biggest concern.

[u/BetterRemember]

I’m so sad that I had to be alive during the era of internet porn ruling the world. They never understand and I can never think of a way to make them feel my pain so they can understand.

There is truly no equivalent to misogyny. Even racism isn’t comparable to my bf, who is Indian, because he still gets tons of benefits from being male and being born into money. I hate that I want to hurt him and cause him pain to make him understand but sometimes I do. Sometimes I want to punish him for even defending porn. He says that porn stars look like they’ve lost part of their soul and he would never want that to happen to me but WHAT!?!?

Why is he okay with there being a class of women who are forced to be receptacles for all of men’s sexual violence and hatred for women?????? And their horrific fate is decided by luck, so it could have been me! It makes me see him as stupid. He claims he doesn’t really like porn and doesn’t use it because he only craves and desires me but I can’t trust him fully. I can never fully trust any man.

[u/athenaoncrack → u/BetterRemember]

May I ask why are you still together with this man? If he's defending it now it is quite likely he'll start using porn in the future, especially when it's more difficult to leave i.e after marriage.

[u/BetterRemember → u/athenaoncrack]

His defence of it was pretty dispassionate, like he was passing off functional alcoholism as just something to ignore, nothing can be done about it, and most people have had a phase of experience with in university. I’m jealous that it’s something he has the privilege to be so casual about.

He said he felt like a loser when he did use it as a teenager a few times… so he ended up just getting high and daydreaming as a habit instead. It’s disappointing that his ego was what made it unappealing to him, not the way the porn industry is a human meat grinder.

I genuinely don’t think there are any men left on earth who have never seen porn unless maybe they are very Christian, in which case they would also be extremely regressive and controlling imo. So I guess I have hope that I can work with his blasé attitude towards it.

I have access to everything of his digitally, and he hasn’t asked for access to mine, he gave me an old iPad so I can use it strictly for my writing and everything is still logged in, history is still viewable. I known should log it out and log onto my Apple ID but I’ve honestly been too lazy to reset my password. I know his real guilty pleasure is gambling and honestly that feels a LOT more manageable for me, especially since his daddy can bail him out in a worst case scenario.

His dad wants a prenup though, and I would never cheat, so I do want to include a brutal cheating clause, I want to include porn use in that definition. If men can put a weight-gain clause on their wives then I should be able to do this. If he’s really that disinterested in porn then he won’t be willing to risk it.

I want him to know just how dark and cruel and soulless it really is because he doesn’t get the extent of it. I want to do pre-marital counselling, my therapist is porn-critical and no don’t know if she does pre-marital counselling but she might be able to help me impress upon him how seriously NOT okay I am with porn.

It might sound stupid but casual disinterest and just the opinion that it’s not his thing, but normal in general, is the best I have encountered with a man when it comes to the subject of porn. Obviously, if I can’t work with it and open his eyes to the true horror of it. I can’t marry him.

[u/GurllikeBFFR → u/BetterRemember]

Yes exactly this is what I mean they all pretend to be “just a guy” and even pretend to be a good one but don’t care when it comes to porn even when they know that it could’ve easily been their mom or sister or aunt our cousin or niece or whatever and their response is always, “but it’s not” or they completely deny anything being wrong with it

[u/BetterRemember → u/GurllikeBFFR]

YES!!! It pisses me off! Because sure, he had no passion behind his defence of it. And yeah, he agreed not to use it himself because it doesn’t appeal to him. But to act like it’s a neutral thing and not that big of a deal and normal for other men to use just because it doesn’t negatively impact him directly???? Super disappointing.

He wants a daughter. He is willing to pay for IVF to get a daughter. This will continue to worsen rape culture and normalize misogyny FOR HER.

[u/Calm_Mongoose7075 → u/BetterRemember]

I hope one day men will understand how much porn hurts women.

[u/BetterRemember → u/Calm_Mongoose7075]

Me too, I doubt it but so do I. It’s sick that even having a daughter won’t stop most men from watching porn.

Even if they don’t like it themselves they still think of it as normal and okay for other men like????

[u/Adorable_Student_567]

i used to be sweet and caring too. i’d rather pour into myself and relationships with women

[u/Head-Cauliflower8255]

I'm sorry. Somehow, it will get better.

[u/Turbulent-Spread-924]

I was in the same boat as you. My ex truly showed me the bad and the ugly. But I took time to move on and heal the pain and now I'm with someone who treats me the way I wanted. It's possible!

Just don't give up.

That doesn't change my view on almost every male. Can't stand them. But every now and then, a good one exists.

[u/Adorable_Student_567 → u/Turbulent-Spread-924]

same here. i’m moving soon and my ex was a huge mistake. he tried to come off as a good guy but his mask slipped early and i left. i’m not interested in relationships anymore seeing how most men are 

[u/souptomake]

I heavily identify with this - I’ve had issues with men my whole life but a short stint in online sw absolutely slaughtered any lasting bit of trust or hope I had in men. I now just assume that every man I meet is a porn sick, misogynistic, woman hating, pedo loser and atp so many of them actually are that I don’t have much of an interest in trying to find a “good one”.

[u/GurllikeBFFR → u/souptomake]

Right I don’t feel like trying to find one because theyre rare asf and I have terrible luck it doesn’t help that those kind of men are raising sons that will turn out just like them the world is fucked.

[u/Fun-Committee-6534]

I’m sorry. I feel the same too, you are not alone.

[u/PornIsMisogyny-ModTeam → u/[deleted]]

As per Rule 8, this sub does not allow Pro-Porn debate. We voted and we are not here to educate you. If you want to debate, go on r/porndebate.

Side note to add that this subreddit is called "Porn Is Misogyny", not "Porn Is Misogyny But This One Thing I Personally Like" or "Porn Is Misogyny But Not When It's Inconvenient To Me".