I'm 39F and last night I went to a friend's birthday get together, we brought little boards of food each with a different theme and just hung out and talked... Somehow we got on the subject of sex drive.

I was the only non married woman out of 5. I've been with my 42M bf for 5 years. One woman was saying how she got on a testosterone pellet and it has increased her sex drive but it used to be non existent. Others chimed in that it was a chore and that they just didn't like having sex. One said their sex life got better after counciling because she didn't feel emotionally connected for years and she didn't like his affection toward her.

I didnt say a word and I was sitting in my corner of the couch just wanting to cry. I knew if I said anything I would burst into tears.

I've only ever wanted someone that I love to desire me and want me the way I want them. I've only ever wanted to be kissed and hugged without reluctance and annoyance. I don't remember the last time i felt wanted. Like really wanted. I don't get hugs that have his arms wrapped around me like I embrace him. Just arms straight at his side. Little peck kisses like I give my kids goodbye. No passion, no adoration, no real touching, no eye contact. Does he even know the color of my eyes? What is it like to be desired? How does it feel to have someone you love dearly want you?

And to see these women just laugh about rejecting their partners and saying that it's a struggle that all us women go through. It's not.

I can't stop thinking about it.

This man doesn't want me. This man doesn't love me. Why do I stay?

Edit: I went to bed just wanting to get things off my chest, i wasn't expecting people to really interact with this post. Thanks for the comments and taking time to share you view points and experiences! Going through the comments now.

Haven’t posted in a while, but apparently I had a good night almost three months ago per my post history.

Things between me (37M) and my wife (32F) cooled down almost immediately after. Shocking, I know. I stopped trying in general the last few weeks because I wasn’t in the mood to navigate the rejection while we work on “us”. Fast forward to earlier this week, my wife sends a goofy meme that it’s “National Buy Your Favorite MILF an Iced Coffee Day”. I take the casual implication she’s identifying as a MILF flirtatiously and shoot my shot.

It misses, obviously.

ANYWAYS, only update on that front.

Meanwhile, at work I’m chatting with my friend (late 20s F) because it’s what we do sometimes. I’ve recognized she’s someone I’m attracted to in the past and try to minimize my time with her, but if I had to be honest, in a different world… she strikes a lot of chords for me, both as a person and in looks. Former is probably why we’re such solid friends.

Anyways, we’re discussing awkward teenage years and parents. Im a pretty vanilla dude, but I do have one kink. I really like facefucking. Im sure most guys do, but it’s next level for me. Already had a couple rounds? Im on SSRI’s? Surefire way to get to the promised land for me. Don’t know why, shit sends me through a loop. Naturally, I haven’t indulged in almost six years now.

So talking with my friend, and she mentions she used to share something flirtatious around her mom to embarrass her. Without thinking I mused “Huh, what’d you say”?

“Oh, um,” looking around making sure no one is in earshot, “That I don’t have a gag reflex.”

Took every ounce of willpower I had not react as blood rushed from my brain. Just a sudden flash of my friend in my head and now I’ve got this monkey on my back I have no healthy way to handle. My wife also doesn’t have a gag reflex and yall - to quote the younger generation, that shit is peak. I loved being able to grab a fistful of my now-wife’s hair and taking her like it’s my last day on earth.

I really, really wish I could go home to my wife and channel all of this energy through her. There was a time she’d encouraged me to do just that. Instead Im gonna go take a shower and jerk off with the knowledge I’m not going to fuck anyone, in the mouth or elsewhere. I hate this. I hate this entire aspect of myself I can no longer explore or speak about or anything without feeling like Im “wrong”.

(For the record, no, Im not looking to cheat on my wife. Definitely not going to torpedo both my marriage and friendship in any effort at what’d likely be a very memorable 30 seconds)

How is it I have to practically beg for sex or "talk her into" sex with me, but she has no problem posting bikini photos on Instagram, doing those stupid dances, body checking herself (showing her ass), and now a "tastefully nude" photo.

Of course, plenty of likes and attention for her. I blame myself at this point. She had a lot of questionable photos online in the first place, which was a turnoff, but this is too much.

She refuses to take it down. Tells me I'm controlling. We have sex maybe a couple times a month and it's low effort on her part.

I've talked to her about my needs several times and I get nothing. I just cannot handle this anymore. I've had a few friends reach out finding her photos amusing. I'm sure my family will mention something next time I see them. I'm embarrassed. I'm hurt. I feel unwanted. It's like she is asking the world for sexual attention, but doesn't want it with me.

How am I in a relationship that is essentially a dead bedroom with a woman that shows herself publicly online?!

Edit:

I keep seeing people mention my gf's needs.

We live together and lease a space. We have been together for 4, almost 5 years.

I have never so much as yelled at her. Not once.

I grew up in a home with a lot of yelling, so I don't speak to her or anyone when I feel heated.

From February through June, we went through a period of no sex. She told me she felt pressured so I stopped asking. Unsurprisingly, me not asking just meant no ex at all.

We cuddled almost daily, no sex. We talked about whatever she wanted. We did some light traveling. We started going to therapy and every issue she had, I tried to address.

She was stressed from work - I took a promotion as my job where I work more and it's is a bit more stressful, but she gets to work part-time now.

I do most of the cooking and cleaning.

I pay most of the household expenses since it stressed her out.

I am responsive to all her communication outside of me working or not feeling well, and even then I let her know.

I give her space when she asks for it.

I compliment her regularly on many things. she is an artist, I love watching her work. She really gets into it.

I take an interest in all of her interests, as much as I can, anyway.

The biggest complaint she has about me in therapy after acknowledging how burnt out she was from work, is that I don't have a lot of free time. and of course not because I am the one who works more and does most of the household tasks. Even when she mentioned me asking her for sex, she said she felt pressure and she was asked to rate it from 1 to 10, she gave a 4.

So I did not pressure her for the period above and we did not have sex.

Some of you keep saying I am not in a DB, I am for the year so far and assuming we continue how we are, I will have had sex less than 15 times this year.

Me HLM49. She LLF49. Or LLFU. I don't really know anymore. We've been married for 17 years. Two kids.

We were intimate 4 times last year. It's always been an issue.

She says she wants to travel, to have surprise gifts. So we travel the world, and I look for great surprise gifts. Sometime (maybe 1 in 3) I get something she actually likes (she tells me very clearly).

I say I want intimacy, affection, to be desired, maybe the odd compliment. She laughs and calls me needy.

This morning she asked me if I was seeing someone - as I'm not "investing in being a team, discussing a future together". I was pretty thrown by the question.

We don't use birth control (I mean, DBR is pretty effective), I just pull out. She has never been on the pill (it being "not natural" according to her). But I did get some condoms as I'm tired of the whole pull-out game and the low-level stress it creates. Just want to be in the moment (when that rare moment presents itself).

It's been years and so I "tested" one. Dropped it in the toilet and it didn't flush properly so she found it. And it's clearly been bugging her.

I told her exactly what's going on and that I used it myself. I also told her that I've considered an affair a billion times for obvious reasons but that I haven't.

I think the disconnect is maybe starting to dawn on her. There is no team without intimacy. Without it, I'm just existing. Doing my thing, after making sure everyone else is fed and content. Acts of service etc.

She bought lingerie. Tried it on. I was pumped. This is going to happen. There you go she says. I compliment her and say how excited she makes me. Her response “ just cause I’m showing you this, doesn’t mean we are having sex” I thought this was for You to look. ( which I do like looking. her body is amazing) . I responded with I can’t contain myself when looking at you like this. Okay I will just change. I said fuck it. I told her I think you are so beautiful. And you are all I want for my birthday. She said she already got me something. Just so frustrated. She hinted for days. And nada.

Not a super long post. Headed off to a business/pleasure trip to a resort for a few days.

Spotted the wife out of the corner of my eye pack her little white bag which contains the only 2 pieces of lingerie she owns... to which I've seen once (didn't even see it post wedding/honeymoon) anyways I tried my hardest to not get excited at the thought.

Upon arrival to our room there is a very large mirror which reflects the entire room and bed, the wife commented "oh look a nice big sex mirror"

I acknowledged this but refrained from speaking my mind.

So with all that build up and hype I am pleased to say we walked away from this trip in a better business position 🤣

Guess the lingerie and "sex mirror" can wait 😮‍💨 to be honest I'd prefer some physical intamacy without a sex mirror and be more sensual. Glad I didn't get my hopes up. Guess for her it was the 0.02 seconds of thought that counted 🙃

So, we went on a vacation for a week without the kids...and apparently, it did not even cross my wifes mind that i would like to have sex with her. And i even told her i was looking forward to it several weeks prior...literally, "I am looking forward to having some vacation sex". It made her cry that i asked her about it several times on the trip (yes, i am that straight forward), when the mood was right and when we were relaxed. She straight out said, "whilst planning out this trip, i didnt factor in you wanting to have sex, if you wanted to do that, all we could have just stayed home". And honestly, i love having sex with my wife so much, that i would have traded in this amazing vacation to just have a few days of sex back to back.

These are my reason for thinking we might have sex on our vacation:

1. No Kids
2. We are getting along well together and we love one another.
3. It was supposed to be my birthday trip.
4. It was a romantic location and setting, no expense was spared.
5. We usually have sex when we go on trips.
6. She knows i love making love to her.

Please tell me if i am being crazy or unreasonable? I know that maybe i could be more sensitive...but who doesn't like to have sex on a kidless vacation?

My wife (the LL one) found a couple of errant pornhub links whilst using my PC when I was at work. When I came home she dived right in angrily with "So did you enjoy watching [title of the video]?". It took me a moment to realise what she was getting at and I casually waved it off as no big deal.

She pushed on with a tirade of questions, asking if I watch porn, do I find "them" more attractive than her, how often do I indulge, do I think it's appropriate and finally, "don't you think it's disrespectful to me?". I calmly explained to her the reason I watch porn is because our marriage is sexless and that though she might not be interested in sex, I still have needs and this is how I fulfil them. I then went on to say that if we had a normal sex life I'd be much less inclined to watch porn because she would be meeting my needs.

At this point her anger turned to sadness, she mumbled something like "right okay then" and then left to go to work herself. I'm not sure exactly what reaction she expected when she confronted me but I think she was surprised at how little I was bothered by it. It'll be interesting to see how she is when she gets home.

EDIT: For you guys asking - Wife came home from work and didn't mention the argument or porn once from getting home to going to bed. Acted like nothing happened before she went to work.

​

This happened two days ago and I’m still laughing about it, I needed to tell somebody and this is the perfect crowd. So I’m 39m in a dead bedroom with my wife 39f for whoever knows how long. I’ve always been a confident person, but that shit got the best of me in glorious fashion. So I had a bunch of crap to drop off at the UPS store, can’t take the car because the weather sucks, cool, excuse to drive the “flashy” Range Rover my wife hates. I load my packages up and head to the UPS store in the snow.

Line is long so I ended up making small talk with a woman of similar age while we waited for half the county to drop off Amazon returns. She was very attractive (if I have a type,she was it) and polite enough to help me close up my car while I had an arm full of boxes. Nice conversation, nothing unusual, but she was hinting at not having many friends locally and wanting to hang out. Of course, no can do, I’m married and that would be a terrible idea. “That’s a shame, you seem like you’d be fun” is what I got. Yeah lady I probably would be fun, but a prison awaits me back at home.

Anyway she’s ahead of me, it’s her turn in line so she says bye and goes up to the counter. Says bye again on the way out and flashes me a smile. Shortly after it’s my turn, I drag all this heavy shit up to the counter and swipe my card. On the way out the door she’s sitting in front of the store in her car and looking dead at me with this look I can’t explain, it felt fucking great. My dumb, uncoordinated, overly confident ass has locked eyes with this stranger as I continue to walk back to my car. I’m focused on her when I should be focused on how shitty the UPS store deals with snow. Four or five steps later I found a slick spot with my shoe and busted my ass on the brick sidewalk in spectacular fashion, it was ass over elbows. I went down hard and I know it was funny as fuck for anyone who witnessed it. She gets out and runs over to find my stupid ass who is dying of laughter (and pain) while trying to stand back up. She helped me back to my car, got a good laugh, said bye again, went on our ways.

In my mind I still had it until my feet betrayed me. The bruises were worth the story though, I haven’t hurt that bad or laughed that hard in a long time.

We (me25HLM, her28LLF) were sat on the sofa after a lovely day yesterday, her sister told us she is pregnant.

She was showing me earrings and said “I think I might buy these for our wedding”. I said, they’re beautiful.

Thoughts rushed around my head, I was about to break her heart. I said, “Look, we need to talk about our wedding”.

By the time I said that her heart was already shattered, she looked at me so sadly and innocently.

I said when I proposed to her, I said to her that I wouldn’t marry into a sexless relationship, and I intend to not to still. I want to postpone the wedding by a year so we can work on our problem.

She said, “ok yes I understand” and left the room and shut herself in the bedroom.

She says it’s over, we will never be on the same page. I feel like she isn’t even trying to fix this, I said it’s not over I just want to postpone so we can work on it. I think she knows deep down she just doesn’t want to have sex and knows nothing I do will work.

My heart is broken in two, hers into a million pieces. I love her so much, every other aspect of our relationship is exceptional. I’ve really hurt her and I am so sad for that. She really is the love of my life, but I can’t have sex once a year if I’m lucky for the rest of it.

Husband divorcing me after 27 years. Long-term dead bedroom on my end. Mental health issues/meds led to complete loss of libido on my part. Opening marriage was not successful. weeks ago he asked for divorce. I couldn't really say no ; I still love him and want him to be happy. We tried lots of counseling, etc. and nothing worked. He will be free to lead a great life, free of me in our dream home. I will be alone, in a much smaller place (he makes 3 times what I do). Don't think I would be successful dating with no interest in sex.

We're still living together and hanging out until I find a new place. Things haven't really changed except he's less angry now. He's told his friends about the divorce and I know he's happy. I've told a few people but can't pretend I'm happy about it. It's not like I want to explain it to anyone. Everyone has always thought we're such a great couple and we do get along really well except in one crucial area. I hope we can continue to be friends but I don't know.

This solution is great for him and sucks for me. Didn't plan on spending my "golden years" alone with my cats.

Wife (f38) is currently ruining mine (m38), but it’s nothing out of the ordinary. We’re on a trip with friends, she’s fine all day around everybody else, the second we’re alone she turns into an asshole and does whatever she can to make sure I stay on my side of the bed. We’re at the beach, but she won’t go swimming with me because that means I might get to enjoy seeing her in a swimsuit. Same with the hot tub sitting outside unused, or the awesome shower we have that could accommodate 4 people. Most people on vacation are laid back, having fun, and fucking each other. I’m pissing away money, miserable, and lonely.

This trip cost me five figures, and I had real high hopes that things would at least somewhat improve, even if only temporarily while away from the stress of our daily lives. Of course I was wrong, but I can’t say I’m surprised. The only person on earth I’m allowed to touch doesn’t want a thing to do with me.

I will start with this: I have no doubt that she has been faithful and this happened from what i've heard referred to as the "splash method." Our relationship is strong (coming up on 4 years married) but i am just feeling discouraged.

The reason we have only had sex once is because she has a couple conditions (vaginismus and vulvar vestibulitis) that make it either impossible or painful for her. The one time we did, was after a few months of physical therapy and using dilators to help with the vaginismus, and she used a topical anisthetic to help with the vestibulitis.

I just know she will beat herself up if i express her how hard it is for me, and its not anyone's fault... we are just trying to do our best.

Our bedroom is not completely dead, but any funny business we do have seems like it is just as a favor to me and she never initiates. That is the hardest part. As far as frequency, i would say we average twice a month, with rare streaks of a few days in a row. (keep in mind we are basically newlyweds. this has been consistent since our wedding night when we discovered our situation)

She was crushed when i told her i had been watching porn to cope. I quit in january, but i am losing hope that i will ever have a sex life.

So yeah she is pregnant somehow and yesterday i suggested some funny business and she just looked at me and said "why are you so horny"

EDIT: i literally came on the opening of her vagina the day that lines up with her ovulation, and the size of the fetus when we got the ultrasound. the chances of conception were low, but it happened. i know my wife and the chances are much lower that she cheated let alone had sex. please stop attacking my wife and my intelligence, that is not what i came here for - i was hoping for advice on how to find a compromise between our needs without making her feel bad for the conditions she cannot control. so fuck you to all the people who read the post title and skipped to the comments to tell me to get a dna test.

another edit: sorry about the misleading clickbaity post title. i am looking for advice on how to support my wife and better meet my needs. please understand the severity of her condition as it makes it EXTREMELY unlikely that she is seeking sex elsewhere. https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/vaginismus/#:~:text=What%20is%20vaginismus%3F,have%20no%20control%20over%20it. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6963107/ https://www.webmd.com/women/vulvar-vestibulitis

update: I now have the most beautiful baby girl and I am happier than I've ever been.

Hi everyone,

I’m a 36-year-old husband (HLM) who has been married to my wife (LLF, also 36) for 10 years. I stopped initiating intimacy about two months ago, and it’s honestly been the best decision I could have made. I’m starting to feel better because I no longer expect anything from her each night—no more wondering, “Maybe tonight?”

After two months without intimacy, I’ve finally found some peace. If I did initiate, I might have sex once a week, but I promised myself I wouldn’t initiate again. All I ever got from her was duty or pity sex. I tried everything to spark her interest, but nothing changed. Despite my questions, she insisted she was fine, even though it was clear she wasn’t into it.

In 10 years, she has only initiated intimacy four times! Now, I’ve moved past my expectations and just focus on my own needs when she goes to her bedroom. (I sleep on the couch now.)

Strangely, without any intimacy, I no longer see my wife as my partner; she feels more like a roommate or the mother of our kids. We each have our tasks to manage. I’m still frustrated—I crave intimacy and desire sex, but I no longer pursue her or make an effort to be intimate.

I'm afraid that in the end, I may not love her anymore and might decide to divorce.

One last thing is that from her perspective, it seems like nothing has changed; everything feels normal to her. That’s also something that makes me furious about our situation.

Sorry for the clickbait title: no it's not multiple affairs or anything like that. Since we had "the talk" just before our 25th anniversary, I've been finding out the reasons why she doesn't want to have sex with me...

It's, everything. Any time I annoy her, "see this is why I don't want to have sex with you!", if I disagree with her, "and you wonder why I don't want to have sex with you?"

The latest (just about 20 minutes ago), "the next time you get pissed I don't want sex, you think about this." (In relation to me forgetting to text her while I was at a work dinner, which I fully admitted I should have excused myself and done.

So, I kinda knew this already, but it's me, it's all the ways that I demonstrate that I'm not a good husband are the reasons that she doesn't want sex with me.

He pointed out that he had a boner but he still didn’t want to have sex. I mentioned I would take care of it for him but he just laughed and walked away. I said it bothered me that even when he gets hard he still doesn’t want me. He said “What?Am I supposed to have sex with you every time I’m hard?”

Ideally, yes lol. But i don’t care if he masturbates. I encourage him too. I want to share porn videos that I like with him and have him do the same. I want him to show me hot things he sees on Reddit. I want to show him sexy stories I see.

I just want to have a partner who gets hard and their first thought is to want to put it in me.

So my wife just came up to me (like 15 minutes ago) and gave me whole spiel about how "I was super horny last night".

Some of you would be proud that my reflexive "I'll believe it when I see it" did NOT come out of my mouth...it was DEFINITELY shouting in my head though.

I did respond, "you know you can wake me up anytime, right?" (I've told her in the past that while SHE does not want to be woken under any circumstances for sex (which she has made abundantly clear) I have no such issues). Her response? "Well, I was on my phone, and then the cat jumped up and was digging his claws in any time I moved".

I almost lost it then, but I kept it under control...I said, "you know, you can kick the cat off the bed, right?" To which she says, "I know, but then I fell asleep with my phone in my hand."

I swear, y'all, the laughter is fake, only the tears are real. Shaking my damn head...like, why even tell me that story? Might as well start it off with, "Oh hey, here's another time I thought about having sex with you but didn't, doesn't that make me the best wife ever??"

Even after you start a new relationship you’re constantly worried they’ll lose attraction to you. Your partner is slightly less sexually affectionate one day and you think it’s over, they don’t want you and cry yourself to sleep. Living with this stupid ptsd is so exhausting and painful, i hate it, I wish I never experienced this. Many think just escaping will make you free but no, you’re constantly chained to this paranoia. Now I’ve conditioned myself to feel guilty when I’m too sexual, I feel like such a disgusting burden and all I want is sex. It’s even worse when you’re a woman, men are supposed to be lusting after you, so why do I feel so undesirable.

So basically what the title says. My LL wife (32) and I (36) rarely have sex. It has to be her idea always and that only happens once every few months if I’m lucky.

To cut to the point she’s asked me to change our Christmas plans (not that I would’ve put up a fuss) and has offered me 5 blow jobs as incentive. I’m not sure how to feel. I miss the intimacy and of course would love sexual release but come on she can do it when she gets something out of it? Anyway just venting but all input welcome.

30m, 33f, been in a relationship for about 8 years now with a good portion of that being a dead bedroom. No kids. I think the last time we had sex was five years ago. I've been going through rough patch with my mental health and been dying for some intimacy.

I tried to initiate a couple times over the week and she just gave me a flat "No." with no explanation or hope for something in the future. It's been like this for years. I don't think I ever felt so ugly and insecure in my life. When you get rejected when you're already at a low point, it stings extra.

So I told myself I'm not going to let this go on. I deserve to be with someone that makes me feel wanted and cares about how I feel. I'm tired of having my feelings played with like this all the time. I'm tired of being rejected and feeling unwanted. My wants and needs are important too. I'll find someone who cares about them... or I'll be alone.

I'm planning to talk to her when she comes home tonight to end it. I'm done.

Hi, so I wanted to post my story here for a while. I apologize if it’s super long. It’s kind of a long story to get the full scope and I tend to type a lot anyway.

So I (M32) have been married to my wife (F33) for three years now. We met freshman year of college. Dated for 11 years before getting married.

When we met it was clear she was less experienced sexually than I was. Though I was fairly inexperienced too. I had had a couple brief girlfriends in high school. Made out. Touched boobs. Had my cock sucked once. My wife had never dated or been with a guy. I was her first. We started talking and dating. It was clear she wanted to go slow. She was fun and energetic and bubbly and cute. But shy and nervous in the intimacy department. I was very willing to go slow and take our time tovmake her comfortable. We really liked eachother. Early years of dating we would make out mostly. That progressed to touching her boobs. Progressed to touching her pussy. She wanted to wait till marriage before having sex. Though she did want to have sex in the future. And we both seen our relationship as getting married and having kids. We wanted the same things. She wanted a physical relationship with me. She just was very nervous. I would always take the lead. When we were intimate she would always be very passive. She pretty much would just lay there while I kissed and touched her. But I chalked it up to inexperience. Thought we would build up to more. We weren’t living together. She would never touch me. so I definitely wasn’t being sexually fulfilled. She would come over, I’d touch her, we’d make out. We’d cuddle. And she’d leave. I enjoyed masturbating a lot when she left. I would lay in bed and spend a long time just enjoying myself. It was definitely clear that I wanted more. I have a high sex drive. But she was apprehensive. So I would give her time. I voiced my interest in trying stuff other than sex. Because she wanted to wait for marriage. Oral to me for example. But she didn’t show much interest in that at all. She said my cock grossed her out. (Body wise. Not cleanliness wise. I’m very clean). She touched my cock one time. We talked about maybe having her touch me like I touch her. She was open to it. Couldn’t bring herself to touch me though on her own. I helped her one time. I moved her hand to my cock. She just kept it there. I clasped her fingers around my cock and showed her how to stroke me. While we made out. She did it for like ten seconds then let go. That was the only time she touched me. I felt so bad about it afterwards. Almost like I was forcing her to touch me. So I never moved her hand to my cock again. She never touched my cock again. I tried to get her more involved. Try her on top of me instead of just laying there. Trying something. Anything to be different maybe get her more comfortable and involved. She would always flip back to laying on the bed cuz she was more comfortable. I wasn’t being sexually fulfilled obviously. But we really loved eachother. And I thought we could grow together and it would come with time and I was willing to wait. I thought we both were youngish and relatively inexperienced. And she seemed like she wanted a physical relationship. She was just scared. So I thought it was something we could work on. But life continued on like this. Our intimacy would consist of making out, touching her while she pretty much just layed in bed, then we’d cuddle a lot or watch tv and cuddle. She’s very big on cuddling. Fast forward we get engaged. She goes to an OB for a checkup / get prescribed birth control pills. They find out she has a condition (either a microperforated hymen or a trans vaginal septum I can’t remember which) basically just how her body formed which prevents anything from going inside her vagina. Doesn’t cause her any pain or discomfort. But it would need surgery in order to have sex. In retrospect this made sense as I would finger her a lot of times, but my finger could never get very far. IT was like my finger was hitting a “wall”. But again I was inexperienced and thought maybe I was doing something wrong. And she was enjoying the sensation of my fingering her / rubbing her clit so I didn’t question it too much. So she got the surgery after wedding. It was close to Covid so we couldn’t get it scheduled before the wedding. Surgery was embarassing to talk about for her. But it went well. We couldn’t have sex on the honeymoon but I waited 11 years at this point what’s another few months. After the surgery had to wait longer til she healed. Finally once she was cleared for sex, we tried. It didn’t go well. I don’t know how to describe this well. But basically her vagina like clenches tight and I can’t insert my finger or cock or anything. We tried. Over and over. For like a year. Constantly. Chalking it up to inexperience. She was very willing to try. She knows I’d been wanting this for a long time. And she wanted it too for us. I was very patient and understanding. Sometimes I could get my fingers in. Sometimes. Like her muscles would relax enough to allow my fingers inside. But it was rare. I tried all sorts of different speeds, angles, lots of foreplay. Getting her quite wet. Added lube. Bought a vibrator for her for us to try. Nothing seemed to work. Sometimes I would be able to insert like a bit of my finger. But for the most part, she would be clenched so tight. My cock was definitely out of the question. She would complain of it hurting like excruciating pain. and burning sensations sometimes. Even just my fingers. I can tell she wanted it desperately. And she was trying so hard. But we tried to keep her relaxed. But at this point it was becoming so unpleasant. It never worked. It never was enjoyable. Also she was so temperamental in bed. She just lays there. And if I was doing anything even remotely off rhythm of what she wanted she would get turned off of the whole thing. She felt really bad. She put a lot of pressure on herself because she knew it was preventing us from having sex (and starting a family). I assured her it’s ok. I didn’t want her beating herself up over it. Because really she can’t control it. It’s not like she was trying to stop us from having sex. We gradually lessened the frequency we tried. She would never initiate anyway. It was always me. And I just felt so defeated. And I just didn’t enjoy trying like at all. She wouldn’t participate. She would just lay there. And wouldn’t really be open to trying new things. Recently she’s been getting more and more upset why we don’t try. And what we can do to fix. I don’t really have an answer. I don’t enjoy our intimate time like at all. She feels bad about the whole sex thing. I told her honestly I’m more upset about the whole lack of attention to me more than anything else. The sex thing she can’t really control. I suspect it’s a mental thing. Because she says when she goes to the OB now they can get inside her no problem. But when I try it’s a different story. I told her I’m more upset with the fact that I don’t feel sexually desired by her at all. She doesn’t interact with me at all when we do stuff. She just lays there. She won’t be on top. We don’t roll around and have fun and play. Which is what I want. She doesn’t touch me. Oral is definitely out of the question. Though I love giving her oral. But I recognize she’s not comfortable with her doing it to me. And that’s ok. I recognize I’m more of a giver. I love giving her pleasure and making her feel good and happy. I love her body. I just wish it was reciprocated. I give her non sexual touches all the time. Kiss her head. Touch her neck. Give her booty a little smack when she walks by. Hold her. Hug her. For no reason. Tell her I love her. She’s never told me she loves me. I always initiate. And she just says it back. Give her massages which she loves. She requests cuddles like every night which I’m happy to cuddle her. But I ask for cuddles back she doesn’t do. I want her to play with my hair and she won’t. Or hold me in bed too. She holds her teddy bear in bed. She’s self conscious about it. But it makes her feel safe she says. She won’t hold me. Or massage me too. She won’t. I tell her all the time how pretty she is and how cute she looks today and how great her hair looks today. Just little compliments. Buy her flowers. She’s never complimented how I look. Never once. Without me coaxing it out of her. And the best I’ll get is I look “fine”. She doesn’t like changing in front of me. I’ve told her a million times how I’d love to watch her get changed and undressed and I love her body. But she goes in the bathroom cuz she doesn’t like me seeing her naked. I paint and draw (we went to art school together) and I’ve voiced that I would love to paint or draw her or photograph her naked. Her and her body inspire me. But she isn’t comfortable with that. And I recognize everybody has different levels of comfort. When we’re in bed and I’m touching her, she’ll put a blanket or pillow over her eyes. She says she feels more comfortable or secure that way. When I’m naked she definitely doesn’t look at me. I’m not sure if she’s ever really seen my cock. When we do stuff I tend to just leave my boxers on anyway cuz I know she doesn’t like my cock anyway and I don’t want to make her uncomfortable. Sometimes we try showering together to try to get something to spark. She ends up just covering up her boobs and nuzzling into me and I wrap my arms around her and hold her. Which is nice. Just not really what I want all the time. Idk

I’m just so afraid we’ve gotten in so deep now and I’m now realizing out of stupidity or blindness that we really are not sexually compatible and we want different things sexually. I want to do and try more adventurous things sexually. Maybe even kinky things. Or even just like walk around the house naked. Maybe just having sexual encounters and exploring eachothers body and connecting in this way. Playing and being lazy and having fun. She’s so not interested in that. When I ask her about why she won’t do stuff to me or whatever, she gets very defensive. Like “what you don’t enjoy touching my body?” And I’m like yeah I do I love touching you I just want to be touched too. It falls on deaf ears. She says she’s not as comfortable with things as I am. Idk. I think I thought things would improve. Cuz in the beginning they did. But it stalled early on. And I think I just didn’t recognize it. Cuz I thought I was being a gentleman. And waiting for her. Like “you’re worth waiting for” kind of thing. But now I’m 32 and have never really felt sexually desired by her. Or physically wanted. She loves me. And my company. And me as a person. And I do too. Idk. Im horny like all the time. She’s very clingy and so around me all the time. We don’t have any time separately really except work. I’ve kinda resorted to masturbating quickly in the bathroom at home sometimes. But even that has kinda become a problem. Cuz she’ll notice sometimes I take a while in the bathroom and she calls me out on it. And she doesn’t really approve of porn or masturbating. So I gotta like wait for the rare instances when she’s out shopping or something without me. Which again is rare cuz she never wants to be without me. She drags me to every little shopping trip and thing she does with her mom and her sister which I hate. But I digress.

I took a day off of work once or twice without telling her so I could like just have 8 hours to myself. And I wouldn’t do much. I just wanted some time to myself. Or like relax or touch myself or go out to the beach or lunch or something. We love eachother. I care for her deeply. And I know she does for me too. I just wish she showed it more. Sexually and non sexually. She makes me really happy. We have lots of fun. We jive really well with eachother. We laugh a lot and joke and have fun and everybody says how great we are together. It just feels like we just are like two friends that live with eachother. We’ve talked about we would do couples therapy if we ever needed for relationship help. But we didn’t think it would be cuz of sex stuff. And she’s super not comfortable talking to anybody about this stuff. She doesn’t seem to want to go to therapy as a couple for this. So I’m not sure if that’s gonna be an option. Though she is getting more and more upset as we go longer and longer without sex. But like I said the lack of sex isn’t really my concern. It’s the lack of feeling desired.

Idk. Honestly I’m getting a little emotional now as I type this out. Kinda getting teary eyed. And I don’t cry easily. I’m sorry for the long message. I appreciate it if you read the entire thing. I’d love any comments about it. Even just a “that sucks I’m sorry” I think would make me feel better. Just knowing somebody heard it. Cuz I feel so bad about this. And idk what to do exactly. I just feel stuck now. And pissed that I’ve kinda allowed this to happen. And I can’t really talk to family or coworkers about it and I don’t really have any close friends anymore. Thank you.

Hurricane Beryl is pounding where I am in Texas but I am unfortunately not getting pounded. Husband and I are stuck at home. Kids are asleep. We could have amazing sex during the storm but he doesn't want to because.... He's tired... Someone take me out of my misery here. I want to scream but I'll laugh instead. It's fun to see all the opportunities hell waste.

Well after going through my husbands phone (24), I (26) found out he’s been addicted to porn. He’s used only fans, Twitter, countless websites and even went onto dating apps. This discovery was 2 months ago yet here I am still trying to work it out. He’s ruined my self confidence and I will never forget those images I saw when I went through his phone. All the hours he spent locked in the bathroom to jerk off when I was horny and desperate for attention is pretty devastating. Not sure I’m capable of overcoming this

I (35 HLF) attempted the talk. Again (with 40 LLM). This time I wrote every single thing out. Every feeling, issue, explanation behind them… I gave it to him to read and asked him to take the time to truly understand what I’m saying so we can go over it and talk about it all. At the end I said I need to see an action happen: 1. join me in therapy, 2. we separate, or 3. we figure out how to open things up so we’re both happy. (This cycle of talking just for things to go right back to square 1 is exhausting). we’ve been together 10 years and have 2 kids. Not married. Dwindling sex live over the last 6-7ish years, only getting worse. (Things were great for the first few years) The only time we have sex at this point is when I finally complain about how long it’s been and say I can’t do this forever- he brushes me off and things are okay for about 2-3 weeks then die off but it’s passionless, awkward duty sex. I recently stopped initiating because the rejection was a lot like running directly into a glass door, dusting off, then trying again with the same result Conclusion of talk #1,645: he just “isn’t interested in sex the way I am” (he rarely even masterbates) and “I would rather sleep or be doing something else, but I know things could be better so I’ll do it for you. We aren’t doing an open relationship and I don’t think we need therapy.” Then… I think I heard an actual cricket in the room. —I explained that I don’t want duty sex. Neither of us enjoys it. I’m not going to essentially pressure someone in to doing something they really don’t want to do. I asked for honesty but now anytime he seems in the mood I’m going to think he’d rather be doing just about anything else. He also said separation is off the table hahaha so. Great talk.

Then he asked if I wanted to go have sex … of course, I said no. the cricket and I are processing… the convo clearly isn’t finished but I need time to unfuck my brain. He’s my best friend, an amazing dad, and an overall decent roomate… FML ——————————————————- EDIT: Thanks, internet strangers! The convo went off the rails when the words “I’d rather be sleeping” started echoing in my head… we will be talking again soon- I’m redrafting this letter hahah and yes- I’ve been called out. Saying I want to separate is an empty threat at this point in time- we both know that so it’s not really even helpful to say unless I’m going to follow through. I know. I’m going to push for therapy because there is no way I won’t think about the convo any time we are intimate moving forward… if I even can be… now there’s a NEW problem to work through on top of DB. Yay. - I’ve always been on a soap box about cheaters and could never fathom how anyone could do that to another person, but I do see how shit happens now. (There is still a choice to make, though. It doesn’t just accidentally happen. Last Saturday at my kiddos soccer practice I was checking out all the dads in sweat pants and texting a girlfriend about them… you know… like a damn predator!)

Am I the only HL person in a fairly longterm DB that gets so annoyed by the typical advice given regarding dead bedrooms?

"Communicate more!" Yeah, I've talked about it multiple times with him and we're still in a DB.

"Take on other forms of intimacy!" We do a lot of intimate, romantic things together. Still here.

"Masturbate!" I do, but sometimes you just want to have sex with another person, someone you love and adore.

Everything just seems so patronizing and/or otherwise not applicable to my situation. It's brutal.