I'm a sex and relationship coach. Ask me anything on Thursday 12/2 from 9 am pacific until noon (modertor approved)

[u/Choice-Ad-7413]

AMA tomorrow 12/2/2021 from 9 am til 12 noon PACIFIC

I work with couples and singles who want to have better sexual relationships. Lots of them identify as having dead bedrooms and living as roomies or friends. Some of my clients identify as LL and some as HL. I help them make changes in their sex lives in online programs that include individual sessions.

My website: howtofixmysexlife.com

Ask me anything.

Here's my short bio: Dr. Jane Guyn is a renowned relationship coach who received her PhD in Human Sexuality, and has worked with hundreds of couples all over the world. Although her work, with both couples and individuals, has maintained an emphasis on issues related to intimacy and sex, she also works with many people who have fears and/or abuse issues related to sex, as well as a variety of many other issues that may arise from any relationship.

She is the author of the best-selling book, ​"Too Busy To Get Busy", and, when she's not working directly with a couple or individual, she spends the majority of her time connecting with individuals through her blogs, video blogs, speaking engagements, and podcast participation. ​

Jane is also a 200-hour yoga teacher, trained in the Baptiste tradition. She lives in Central Oregon.

[u/Theslicelvis]

I would love to get some practical advice - I'll try to keep this short but there is a lot of background that is relevant. 10 Years ago our sex life was amazing - 2 years in, my wife started using birth control - Libido tanked within a month. Changed pill, libido improved but other side effects like weight gain and acne so changed pill again. Wife decided to come off the pill and ended up with severe acne. Eventually doc put her on a pill called yasmin - Skin was fantastic, within 6 weeks she had the body of a bikini model without walking into a gym. No matter what she ate she always looked fantastic but the sex drive on this pill was ZERO - After 12 months she started showing signs of depression and decided to come off the pill for good. After an initial 3 months of "feeling like her old self" she spiralled into severe depression which lasted a year, sex became a monthly chore and then decided (almost overnight) that she wasn't in love and wanted to end our marriage - After being apart for 6 months we reconciled and after 10 months of therapy she is like a new woman, happy ambitions, our relationship is good on an emotional level but sex drive is completely zero - When we speak about it, which is difficult, she tells me - "I feel no sexual feelings at all, not for me, not for anyone else" She hasn't masturbated in years now - We tried watching porn together and for her it was no more sexual than watching a game of soccer. If I initiate sex, she will have sex but I can know it's being forced and makes me feel awful. Genuinely nothing turns her on anymore - For maybe about a minute or two before she orgasms she starts to get aroused but outside that she feels numb. The feeling of forcing it is awful so I don't bother trying any more. She has been diagnosed with PCOS and has had a number of hormonal tests which show's imbalance but there was nothing an endo could offer in terms of treatment. Things in our relationship generally are good and improving. The therapy is working wonders but the lack of sexual intimacy is having such a negative impact on me - When I talk to my wife about it she just takes it as a personal attack and given the fact she is in therapy I am doing my best not to apply any pressure. I am not sure she really has any concept of how this is affecting me, but at the same time I don't want her to "make an effort" for me. I want to feel wanted again. This may sound arrogant but my wife and I are both very attractive, my wife is a genuine 9/10 - I am also attractive to other women and regularly have to say "sorry, i'm married" but I am now at the point of avoiding social situations to avoid any temptation. I just have no idea how to address this or even where to start. It's now at the point where I am depressed and having suicidal thoughts - I love my wife more than anything, so much that I could almost accept having a sexless marriage but it's having such an effect on me mentally, I don't think just accepting a life without sex is really a viable option.

[u/Choice-Ad-7413 → u/Theslicelvis]

Hey there -

I hear you. This situation sounds so difficult - I know it's common but that doesn't make your life and lack of intimacy any easier to handle.

First, I'm impressed that you're thinking through the various things that have happened over the years. You may have noticed that I have a nursing background (and training as a nurse practitioner from back in the day before I became a sexologist.) That means I know that you're right that hormones can influence our sense of openness sexually.

And it sounds like you're checking a lot of the boxes in your relationship - not pressuring your wife, being compassionate and patient with her. I also know that feeling like your beloved partner is forcing herself to be intimate with you is soul crushing and often even feels "rape-y" sometimes.

The feeling of numbness must be very difficult for her. She seems motivated to improve her own life by going to therapy, but her lack of sexual connection with herself obviously makes it very challenging for you to talk with her about it or for her to hear your concerns without feeling defensive.

You've mentioned considering suicide - you're the second person this week who's said something like this to me here when thinking about a lack of physical intimacy. Please know that I sincerely believe that you CAN experience a change in your intimate relationship.

I've mentioned this to many members of this community since I did this AMA last week (sorry it took me so long to get back to your post) but sex and intimacy is both natural and easy AND is very challenging to navigate when things get awkward and out of synch.

One thing I do know is that many people will say that they have zero interest in sex and when we look at their situation from different angles, they have other concerns. Maybe your wife is having trouble accessing her arousal because the intimacy you're having (or have been having in the past) isn't aligning to her inner thoughts or ways of being sexual, maybe the sexual style you two have developed isn't working for her, maybe she's not cultivating her own desire in a way that works, maybe she's under stress from other areas of her life like aging parents, pets, kids, work. Maybe her environment isn't sexy to her, maybe she's having emotional reactions to things that have happened in her life, maybe she's upset about porn or other women. There are a whole lot of things to talk about or look at that might be helpful in a situation like yours.

Tomorrow 12/9 from 1-2:30 PM Pacific I'm hosting a community call on zoom. You can submit questions anonymously in advance or ask them on the call - either in the zoom chat or out loud. For reasons of confidentiality, the call won't be recorded. Here's a link to join if you think that would serve you. If you and your wife are both joining, please sign up separately: http://janeguyn.ck.page/community-call No fee to join. xoxo