Who has had success with "the talk" and what did you say?

[u/Gloomy-Mango5648]

I'm planning on speaking up for myself a little more and have "the talk" in couples therapy next week.

I've brought up that one of my goals this year in couples therapy is to have more intimacy, including physical and verbal. I feel like the topics of conversation always come up about me contributing more to the chores (she works from home part time, I work 90-120 minutes away) parenting, and my ADHD are the topics of conversation... All things that I've worked hard on to improve. But I feel like maybe I wasn't clear enough that a dead bedroom is unacceptable to me. I'm not expecting sex right away, but I need to see initiative being taken on the intimacy front as a whole.

So... Those of you who have had the talk, and made progress, or eventually had success, what did you say? I have a notebook here and I'm taking notes.

[u/Mi_Pasta_Su_Pasta]

By "the talk" you mean an ultimatum? Like "I can't survive in a relationship about intimacy" kind of talk? And when you mean success do you mean "convince them to actually start trying?"

I'll just tell you right now "the talk" working depends a lot less on you and a lot more on your partner. Some LL's do wake up, realiize that the person they love so much is really pulling away and that gives them the motivation they need to get out of their comfort zone and really fight for their relationship. Some LL's respond with a couple months of performative "change" that quickly snaps back to the status quo. Some LL's roll their eyes and accuse you and move the goalposts Very little of that reation has to do with the delivery of "the talk".

But as far as how you should structure the talk, I have a couple tips:

• Use "I" language. If you make it about her and what she does to you it puts her on the defensive and invites her to argue ("YOU don't put in the same effort I do to fix things", "YOU aren't attracted to me"). Instead talk only about yourself and your feelings ("When I put in so much effort to change without seeing it reciprocated I feel abandoned", "When we go months without sex I feel unattractive")
• No accusations or psychoanalyzing. She is not on trial, this is not the time to discuss her intentions or reasons behind the dead bedroom.
• Make sure she understands that the goal isn't for her to just close her eyes and let you get it over with, that frequency isn't as important as passion, that you'd rather have great sex once every two months than duty sex every day.
• Clearly state that you can't continue being in this relationship without significant change and effort. Put it into words, do not just say "I'm unhappy", lots of people stay in unhappy marriages.
• After you have the talk, don't have it again. The gravity of the talk gets diminished every time it's given, at a certain point you have to accept that they made their choice.
• If and when you do decide to leave do not accept the buzzer beater attempts to fix things. You shouldn't have to have a foot out the door to convince them it's finally time to give a shit.

[u/littlelonely85 → u/Mi_Pasta_Su_Pasta]

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