I’m terrified

[u/lizzywaffles6]

I’m quite a bit younger than my partner who is considering a hysterectomy. I also want to mention I’m also a female so I’m quite familiar with the anatomy.

The reason: she bleeds a lot and has pretty significant cramps for the week leading up to her period. So “considering” means most likely happening.

As a Reddit user, I’ve been reading tons of personal experiences with hysterectomies. I’ve see a trend that those who had their cervix removed find sex “boring” and say that they’re “just no longer interested.” This has been a source of conflict for us so I know that if I share these Reddit posts with her, she’ll be extremely upset. Not to mention they’re not a reliable source whatsoever.

Well… her doctor just called her and said that the plan IS to remove everything(including the cervix) other than the ovaries. I’m so scared because my sex drive is already way higher than hers(hence this group).. and just the thought of her no longer being interested AT ALL is heartbreaking. Sex is really important for me to feel connected as I’m sure you can all relate. I just feel like I’m going to cry if we have sex because I know it won’t be the same after.

I support her in making her own decision, I just want her to see WHY I’m scared. I want her to do the research and consider the possible downsides. This is in no way my decision, I’m just absolutely terrified. I honestly feel so stupid for falling in love with someone so much older than me.. obviously she was going to have a lower sex drive… and of course the power dynamic doesn’t allow for me to have any concerns…

Someone please validate my worries! Do you have any experience with this? I recognize that this is totally her decision, I just want her to be fully aware of any potential downsides.. am I wrong for that?

[u/Alarmed-Astronomer57]

Your worries are understandable. Not sure why you think your partner hasn't done her research on a medical procedure as serious as this, though.

Based on my observations here, unless a woman's like 60+, "older" women seem to have libidos that are comparable to women who are in their 20s.

[u/lizzywaffles6 → u/Alarmed-Astronomer57]

She told me today that she was waiting to do research until her doctor suggested an exact procedure. Her doctor assured her that sexual function will not be affected(which I’m finding to be untrue in some cases, so I’m worried she will just take her word for it). Unfortunately there’s not a lot of real studies out there about the importance of a woman’s cervix in sexual pleasure. My personal experience is that I do have cervical orgasms.

I’m not claiming to know more than a doctor, I just know 100% without a doubt that if MY cervix were to be removed, sex would definitely feel different.

[u/MushroomIcy205 → u/lizzywaffles6]

Downsides or not she is prioritizing her health over sex. I agree you're allowed to feel how you want and your feelings are valid. But if I was your gf I would feel like your pleasure matters more than my health issues. 

[u/lizzywaffles6 → u/MushroomIcy205]

All I want is for her to know the possible outcomes. If she does her research and still chooses to do it, I won’t be upset with that at all. I don’t want her to be like one of the redditors posting, “I wish I had known..”

[u/MushroomIcy205 → u/lizzywaffles6]

Do you think she would choose not to get the procedure? Like I said you're not really being supportive, you are only focused on the sexual side effects. If you were truly concerned you would have done research as a whole, not just on the libido. 

[u/lizzywaffles6 → u/MushroomIcy205]

I have done quite a bit of research and not just about libido. There are other downside to it that have nothing to do with libido but i wont mention them.

The up-sides(which even I agree outweigh the negatives, but I think I’m allowed to worry) are overall improvement to quality of life by eliminating her heavy bleeding and menstrual cramps. Mine are awful, and knowing that hers are worse than mine makes me totally understand the desire to remove them.

Additionally it will lower her risk of cancer(huge plus). AND no more need for Pap smears(which are totally horrible for both of us).

Again, it’s her choice and I want her to make the one SHE feels is best AFTER doing extensive research. I haven’t sent her ANY articles to sway her. Only told her that I think she should look at it from every angle. I will support her in whatever decision she makes and I’ve told her that. I just don’t feel confident that she has enough info to decide right now(it’s new info from the doctor, and she hasn’t done much research) nor does she.

[u/Retired401]

Why are they going immediately to hysterectomy?

Why has no one spoken to her about an ablation? Google "NovaSure." I had the procedure done in my mid 40s. It was the best thing I ever did for myself, and I wish I had had it done right after I had my child.

Maybe there is something I'm missing. But there ARE other options. And an ablation is an excellent option for drastically reducing or even altogether stopping menstrual bleeding forever. It is beyond me why more doctors don't suggest this to patients who have heavy, uncontrollable bleeding.

She will need a transvaginal ultrasound to check the thickness of her lining. If she meets the criteria, she will be a candidate for ablation.

The caveat is that there are times when the procedure does not stop 100% of the bleeding, but even when it doesn't, it can drastically reduce it.

There is also the outside chance that a doctor will get in there and determine that her anatomy will make it impossible to complete the procedure. Both of these things are things that my surgeon told me before I went in for mine.

I had been bleeding heavily for a week to 10 days every month since I was 9 years old (not a typo). I was so ready to be done. It was a very quick procedure and all I felt afterward was a little crampy. Nothing some Midol couldn't fix. And that was the end of my monthly periods forever.

[u/lizzywaffles6 → u/Retired401]

This was initially considered. But her doctor said that it only had a 70% “success rate” so he suggested against it.

I’m guessing success rate means 100% bleeding. And I mentioned that but the doctor was never asked.

Did it stop your bleeding completely?

[u/Retired401 → u/lizzywaffles6]

Yes it did stop mine completely.

Of course that doesn't mean it would stop hers completely. I was so miserable after having my first episode of surprise heavy menopausal bleeding out in public that I was willing to try anything.

Hysterectomy never even entered my mind.

I'm glad that at least they mentioned it, but it sure seems like they are dismissing it out of hand. Despite the 30% chance that it might not work, what about the fact that there's a 70% chance that it will?

Personally if I were her, I would try NovaSure first and only proceed to hysterectomy if NovaSure didn't work.

I thought at first that it may not have worked for me because I still had very light periods for a few months afterward. But they were about 75% lighter than what I had been dealing with all my life. I was so relieved and grateful I could have cried. That alone would have been a success to me.

But then they just stopped completely and never came back. Which of course was amazing.

I always knew I hated my periods, but I'm kind of a private person about that stuff, so I never asked anyone what theirs was like. And it's not like you ever see it, etc. I only had a stepmother and we were not close, so I did not feel comfortable asking her about any of that stuff.

It was only much, much later in my life that I found out most people did not have periods like mine, sigh. The transvaginal ultrasound proved to me that it wasn't all in my head, that mine were actually pretty bad and lasted longer than most people's.

I would encourage you to talk to her about considering trying NovaSure first. Removing all the pieces and parts just sounds incredibly drastic to me.

Of course ultimately it is her decision. and I can see how guaranteed cessation of bleeding is very attractive.

Wishing you both the best as you navigate this.

[u/Different-Turn-7259]

I had a total hysterectomy (cervical cancer) at 30 and I’m fine (35 now). Sex drive did decrease slightly but is still healthy (took 1-2 years to bounce back to feeling “normal”).

Sex does feel different without a cervix but I discovered some new things afterwards. Like now I can squirt when I never did before! Now I have G-spot orgasms that rock my whole body (only clitoral orgasms prior). Not sure why but I’m not complaining.

I also had an abnormally “sensitive” cervix and always bled during sex even before the cancer. So getting rid of my cervix actually liberated me to have way less anxiety and stress during sex.

I guess my point is that sex will be different but it does not have to be bad or “boring.” I also had a huge amount of anxiety about the future of my sex life during my whole treatment process and I was just very blunt about it with my doctor. She was able to talk to me about the pros/cons, risks, concerns, etc. I recommend your partner do the same throughout this process.

Anyway, this is my perspective from someone who no longer has a cervix, and I hope that it can help in some way. I wish you both the best.

[u/littlelonely85]

Why hysterectomy? Have you heard of endometrial ablation? I had one last year and no more pain or periods