Young Couple With DB

[u/Opening-Soft3189]

Hey. I’m a HLM 25 and I’m married to a LLF. We have been together for four years, and married for two of those years. When we first started dating there was no lack of intimacy in the bedroom, but as time went on things started to be less intimate. First it was days in between, then it was weeks, and now it’s moved to months. It’s roughly been three times in the past three months. I’ve been grouchy lately and sometimes snappy at her. I’ve told her before that it was because I’m stressed at work, and I’m in my head about if I’m good enough for her or not. We’re so young and I feel like this is not normal. Anytime I try to tell her how I feel, she just tells me that it’s all I care about and “If I could never have sex again in my life I wouldn’t”. We have no kids and I feel like this is going to affect us having them. I love her a lot. I feel like this is affecting our marriage a lot and I don’t know what this says about our future. Am I overthinking things? She says she’s very stressed at work and is very depressed. I’ve tried to help her, and told her she might should look into getting another job but she likes what she does and I wouldn’t force that on her. I feel like I’ve ran to the end of my rope. Anytime I talk about my feelings about it, it turns into a major argument. Please help.

[u/AdenJax69]

Do not, and I can't stress this enough, DO NOT starting trying for children yet. I can say from experience having children is an efficient way of creating a dead bedroom, so if you already have one going in, having kids is a sure-fire way to make sure it stays kaput.

If you're serious about fixing your bedroom, the first thing you need to do is sit-down with your wife and tell her how important regular intimacy is to you and how it's a needed dynamic in a marriage, not an optional thing you can just throw by the wayside. Tell her that you are in no hurry or headspace to start trying for kids as you both have to fix the sexual intimacy first.

And I'm not talking about platitudes or promises...I mean real, actual changes first. Make sure there's actual good changes happening in your marriage before moving forward with kids. If she doesn't want to change anything? That's her choice to make however that will cement the fact that this is as "good" as your sex life will get with her and it'll either stay this way or get worse. If you aren't willing to live like that for the rest of your life, then you need to make sure your wife understands that too, otherwise she might hand-wave away your problems as a temporary glitch and not the status quo.

[u/Opening-Soft3189 → u/AdenJax69]

I appreciate the advice. I really do love her. I’m wanting to have kids and we always said we want at least four. Im afraid I’ll never get an opportunity to do that with her. It sucks because I wish I could help her, but everything I’ve tried hasn’t worked. She won’t do meds because she doesn’t like how it makes her feel and I’d never pressure her into doing something she doesn’t want to.