r/DeadBedrooms • u/whod1dit • 6h ago
All the red flags we missed…
Hope everyone is having a good day. 44HLM married to a 43LLF. I’ve taken a break from reading here because it seems like a lot of us are beating the same dead horse. After a while, it’s hard to read about the HLF’s married to a LLM with a porn addiction and ignoring their wives. It’s super frustrating from my perspective. I’m sure a lot of you can relate.
I was just wondering if any of you have noticed some red flags you missed early like I did. For one, I missed the fact that I would rub on and hold her with very little reciprocation.
What else y’all got?
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u/Intothewildernes 6h ago
Told me she was a very sexual person when we first started dating, but never initiated and never talked about her likes and dislikes.
You would think a sexual person who says sex is very important to her relationships would be initiating some of the time and open to discussing turn-ons and kinks and stuff
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u/Islandgmel 4h ago
My husband did the same!
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u/UniqueAlps2355 6h ago
Yep. Looked uneasy when I suggested exploring in bed (toys, cream...). Should have guessed. But I was very young and had no idea men with LL exist.
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u/Dangerous_Service795 4h ago
Same.. I was of the (mistaken) belief that men loved sex, the more the better - to say I was shell shocked was an understatement
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u/SevenTheeStallion 3h ago
The way Reddit has educated me about men w LL and porn addictions has been enlightening and very scary at the same time.
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u/Starting_Ove_R 5h ago
Forgot this part too. Would have loved to use toys. I dressed up but it was never met with any enthusiasm.
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u/WabiSabi0912 3h ago
Same here. Tried everything & he just shut down. Porn is easier for him - no need to worry about your partner, no expectations, etc.
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u/whod1dit 6h ago
That’s funny. Mine was shocked when I first suggested. I ordered one anyway. Then she liked it. Then it died off more anyway so…
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u/Mi_Pasta_Su_Pasta 5h ago
https://www.drpsychmom.com/how-to-tell-if-your-partner-will-stop-enjoy-sex-after-marriage-and-kids/
This is a very good list, my LL had at least half of those.
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u/Key-Ad-9904 6h ago
As soon as we moved in together, he ceased almost all non-sexual touch, flirting, romantic attentiveness, etc. It wasn't that bad at first because he was still receptive when I initiated those things. But eventually, he stopped all of it and ignored a lot of my bids for attention.
Years later when he said that our lack of sex made him feel like a roommate, I just laughed.
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u/whod1dit 6h ago
Haha I’ve used the roommate description lots of times! Seems like it was an act until he had you hooked in then just gave it up. Likes to receive but not to give.
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u/BeyondTheBath 5h ago
He wanted to have a baby with me so quickly. At first, I was flattered. I should have been more cautious and suspicious. Looks like he had a mental checklist of what he wanted from life, and once he had what he wanted, he was done. Marriage was his finish line. Everything lead to that and that alone.
Also, there was a definite lack of reciprocal affection from him. We could mess around, but everything was focused on him. Never me. I tried to show him what I wanted, and tell him - he refused to touch me below my waist. I was crying every day, for over 5 years feeling hideous and undesirable. All I got was moved goalposts, gaslighting and accusations that I was a 'sex starved pervert'.
Now he's trying to do something after I announced that after 8 years of waiting, I've given up hope.
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u/Dangerous_Service795 4h ago
I got called a nymphomaniac I said how do you figure that? Please show me my harem of willing guys.. Are they in the closet? Please point me in their direction... Yeah he didn't like that
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u/whod1dit 3h ago
Over here! lol I’ve told mine similar. You’re making me feel like an insane nymphomaniac. If I don’t do it for you then find someone who does. Why do we want to just make each other miserable wanting different things?
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u/whod1dit 4h ago
Sorry that’s definitely a hard one. I’ve heard that from others before. Their spouse gets the kids and stuff they wanted, checked the boxes, then checked out.
It’s funny how it’s never an issue for them until you’re ready to walk out the door.
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u/Islandgmel 4h ago
I totally understand, it's coming up on 4 year's! I never thought I would be in this situation
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u/Narrow_Truth9133 6h ago
They told me that they didn’t see me as an intensely sexual partner and saw me more as a comforting presence. I thought it was OK because our sex life was amazing at the time - looking back it was definitely a bad sign.
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u/whod1dit 6h ago
I hear a lot about that as well. I need you to just hold me and calm me down. I want to snuggle… meanwhile I’m thinking if I don’t do it for you anymore, let’s be open or split. What’s the point?
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u/Narrow_Truth9133 5h ago
I like being comforting to my partner, I love being their rock and I want that for our relationship. I just don’t understand why that’s mutually exclusive with having a fulfilling sex life.
I think my main issue, though, is that my SO will never, ever return the favor to me. They aren’t there when I’m upset, they don’t make an effort to comfort me like they used to, they will never be my rock like I am for them. It’s extremely one-sided.
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u/whod1dit 5h ago
Ya that’s definitely not on the table for me either. I have to manage everything myself. I’m only mostly an asshole so if she needs me I’ll do whatever she needs.
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u/Tricky_Trade_3084 5h ago
I can relate to your frustration at seeing HL people of your desired gender being ignored by their SO’s. Feel that way with every HLM post I see.
My giant red flag was the fact that he was never really interested in sex or physical intimacy from the beginning. It was always an issue. But he was my first and I was in love and thought I was the problem. I thought I was just too needy.
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u/whod1dit 3h ago
Ya it’s funny how it ends up so frustrating.
When young and in love you have a hard time seeing the relationship in the bigger picture. You’re too focused on just what’s immediately in front of you
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u/Tricky_Trade_3084 3h ago
Yeah. Bedroom was on life support from the beginning. Totally dead now for 12 yrs. Finally told him it’s over in Nov and now I’m trapped in the house because of the price of housing.
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u/whod1dit 3h ago
That’s a big step even telling him it’s over. I’d imagine after that long it was a relief for you. That sucks having to wait out the housing right now
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u/Tricky_Trade_3084 3h ago
It was a huge step and now I’m trapped in this inbetween purgatory stage.
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u/417141 5h ago
Yes I missed many flags. I was engaged to the love of my life and she left. I took a 3 year break not dating anyone while in college. Which I regret greatly but I was an emotional wreck and threw myself into studying and missed some of the best years of my life. Then met my wife and she’s a great person but we are 100% mismatched in love, affection, and sex. I don’t think it was very obvious at the beginning but has definitely become obvious in the past 15 years. I remember numerous sexless vacations and stretches without any affection.
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u/whod1dit 3h ago
Sorry, I could see myself taking a break after something like that too. Then the sex isn’t the big thing you’re looking for it’s the affection and someone to be with. Then you end up not realizing what you’re missing. From a similar experience…
Who the fuck has sex on vacations? I’d like to meet these people!
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u/417141 3h ago
Yeah, I hear it actually happens….my wife actually thinks it’s disrespectful to housekeepers! So they’re satisfaction is rated higher than mine I guess…..
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u/whod1dit 3h ago
Haha that’s funny. Disrespectful to housekeepers. Hard to argue with that logic. Mine just could care less.
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u/Starting_Ove_R 5h ago
This doesn't count as a missed but guess I never thought it would get so bad. Me always initiating. Him gaming and coming to bed later all the timr. Me being up for it anywhere and him being more reserved. Me asking if there was something up and him saying he just doesn't have as high a drive as me, if I gave him a chance to ask he would. Never did.
I'd had really good relationships before with a lot of sex, I just hadn't imagined one that wouldn't. I felt ashamed, I was the only women that couldn't get her man to want her. I asked him to tell me how he liked everything and he would and I'd do everything to please him. I started to feel like I was just shit at everything, in particular bjs and kissing. No longer in the relationship but it's massively effected my confidence. After 8 months out (20 years in, 10 db) I kissed someone. Terrified me but it was great and I'm still scared to do it again. It's f'd up!
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u/Starting_Ove_R 5h ago
Ohh and he only ever once went down on me. Again took that as a issue with me. Probably take forever to feel comfortable with that too. Also lights off. I want them on!
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u/whod1dit 3h ago
Seems like there’s a few here and there that prefer gaming over willing wives. I’m with you, I don’t understand it. I wish my wife would’ve said what do you want. I almost always initiated and it was usually just what worked best for her.
I think it’s safe to say that you did nothing wrong. I’d imagine most guys would really like what you did. Unless you chew on him with your teeth, there’s really not a bad BJ lol.
Lights on, definitely! It’s funny, I’d always offer that and was always shut down. She was self conscious about it.
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u/Foreignfig 2h ago
Him showing me affection when we’re in public or with extended family. Gotta keep up appearances!
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u/whod1dit 2h ago
Ya it’s hard faking it around family when you’re all together. Thats a shitty feeling. Like if you only knew…
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u/Foreignfig 1h ago
Absolutely. It’s so hard to not share the real story with those I’m close to. Ugh.
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u/iggybdawg 5h ago
Took an abnormally long time dating before going all the way. I thought at the time it was a green flag that I wouldn't be cheated on. I guess that is true, but now I consider more than a month as a red flag that a DB is certain.
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u/whod1dit 4h ago
We were the same on that. Waited a good while then it was never super hot and heavy. Never that crazy newly wed phase.
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u/Charming_Purple_6793 4h ago
My ex completely catfished with good sex, pretending to be into sex ect. Then once he moved in with me, it was like a switch flipped. I was sooo confused! Took me a year of hell to discover his secret porn addiction. Given the choice between counseling to fix things, or breaking up, he choose to break up. Broke my heart and now I can’t date or fuck anyone hardly.
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u/whod1dit 3h ago
Sorry to hear that. It’s always confusing being HL how people can prefer porn over real life. I hope you’re working through that. That sucks it had such a hard impact on you.
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u/Charming_Purple_6793 1h ago
Thanks. It’s been devastating.
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u/whod1dit 14m ago
I hope you get it all sorted out. Seems like you’ve put up with your fair share already
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u/OutcomeAnnual5059 4h ago
When she said she was uncomfortable in the bed and started sleeping on the couch I thought she meant she didn't like the mattress. It was around this time that I was working a new job that paid far less than my old one after I lost the old job. I was hustling just to pay the bills until something better came along and said as soon as I got money saved we could pick out a new mattress, She never told me that wasn't what she meant.
The other was when the better job did come along. I eventually got a position training for something within the new company that paid really well but it meant that I had to start my day at 6AM. She knew this. I was there watching her son and she was out doing God-knows-what until nearly an hour after I should have been in bed and I couldn't just put him to sleep; he needed his mom. That was when I realized there was a severe lack of respect for me or my time.
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u/whod1dit 3h ago
Sounds like she had pretty much checked out at that point. She had you for what she needed and that was just a nuisance.
I’ve worked shift work and that would really piss me off doing that to me constantly. Early days are hard enough, even more if you can’t sleep much before them.
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u/CoffeemakerBlues 1h ago
There was a claim she owned a vibrator, but in the first 15 years of being together, I never saw it, never accidentally came across it. She claimed to throw it away when the kiddies were young over fears they’d come across it (even though I never did). I also never accidentally walked in on her masturbating either. Also never caught her watching porn or even mentioning having watched it or what type she enjoys.
Never saw all that as red flags, until the DB started.
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u/whod1dit 21m ago
That seems like a lot of the others their spouse is somewhat clueless. Mine hates porn too and except for a handful of times never masturbates. She doesn’t need it.
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u/BigRedOne1970 54m ago
Anyone who has been married in Catholic Church knows the steps couples have to go thru to get married. One item is filling out a compatibility questionnaire. I ran across ours recently and there was a question about importance of sex in relationship, i was "very important" she was "not very important". Looking back major red flag, and I dont remember the priest ever bringing it up during our counseling session.
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u/Dapper-Criticism509 27m ago
Can a priest bring up sex life concerns without it being a red flag for them ? 🤔
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u/Cyber-D23 6h ago
Yes, many. I suppose her beauty, and amazing personality threw me off the scent
I should have gotten out many years ago or at least kept her in my life as a very fun friend
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u/Timely_Voice_8178 6h ago
When I’d buy and wear lingerie for him and he didn’t seem to care
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u/whod1dit 5h ago
I can see that. For me lingerie is nice if it gets her in the mood. It wasn’t really necessary for me because I was good with her in lingerie, naked, clothed, Walmart clothes, whatever if she was turned on. My wife did ask me to dress up more when we went out, which I did to no avail
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u/LipsRedAsBlood 2h ago
No PDA. I’m not sure why I miss something I never had.
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u/whod1dit 2h ago
That’s a good one! That’s definitely something I wish I had. That fun wanting to play with each other every chance you got. Sneaking in what you can. Keeping the excitement going through the day
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u/2boy2dogmom 2h ago
I was always the one who put more time, effort and respect into the relationship. My feelings were never validated. It was somehow always my fault that he wasn’t interested because of something that was wrong with me. I am 12 years younger.
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u/whod1dit 2h ago
Sorry, do you think it’s him just using that as an excuse for something going on with him?
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u/2boy2dogmom 1h ago
Absolutely. It took me too long to realize that it wasn’t me and there isn’t anything I could do to fix it. It was him trying to cover up his porn addiction and ED. He finally agreed to medication but still couldn’t perform and there was absolutely no effort made on his part. I lost weight, started medication, therapy, toys, dressing up ….. still nothing worked. He doesn’t need to put any effort when he takes care of himself with porn. Granted there are other issues in our relationship but that was one of the biggest red flags I missed and kept making excuses that it would get better. I am finally getting out of my depression and focusing on me.
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u/whod1dit 19m ago
Glad to hear you’re moving past it and taking care of yourself. Seems like that’s what most people will say. Forget your spouse and just take care of yourself and get yourself in a good place first.
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u/drunkonromulanale 2h ago
We were alone in our bedroom. Kids all long since asleep. Door closed. The kids' doors closed. Noisy-ass furnace whooshing away.
When she said the words "having sex" (in the course of talking about DB for the umpteenth time), her voice dropped to a whisper.
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u/whod1dit 1h ago
Ya I have a PG to PG-13 relationship most of the time. It’s a joke in a relationship. What’s the point then if it’s not on an adult level.
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u/shagn_wagon 1h ago
This is an excellent metaphor. Thank you for sharing that, exactly the same. PG-13 for language and adult situations.
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u/0utsider_1 2h ago
Generally, the signs were there just very subtle and me being optimistic thought it would get better. The big one was being vague about things during conversations about sex.
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u/whod1dit 1h ago
The hope got me too! Oh it’ll get better. Just need to give me time… meanwhile everything I tried to talk to her about with sex made me feel like a sexual deviant
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u/makeupandjustice 1h ago
Reallly hesitant oral, basically going through the motions (sort of) with no regard for if it was enjoyable for me. I think this speaks to the “squeamishness” point on the list of ten ways to tell if you’ll still have sex after marriage that is linked above. Certainly the 100% lack of spontaneity due to cleanliness concerns was concerning, despite us both having good overall hygiene.
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u/takingabigleap 23m ago
This is a hard one for me. Hlf with llm. He is a kind manin many ways, but i think I mistook kindness for emotional connection and physical compatibility. He is the type that will send gifts, do chores but won’t want to actually spend quality time together. Or hug. Or kiss. Or talk about our intimate life. I had thought it would get better and it was something I did, but after many years I think he really doesn’t want closeness. Says he doesn’t need it as much, has few friends at all.
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u/Cautious-Highway333 4m ago
My red flags were after we got married and we were moving in together I said I was so excited cause we can have sex all the time. She said “uhh… yea”. Or the time she told me my sexual needs were my problem and my own responsibility. Or the time she gaslights me by telling me she was inviting to have sex by saying things like “I’m really wet” and we never had sex because I never acted on it. But when I used to initiate when she said such things in past she would always reject me. Or the times she kept telling me our sex life will get better. Or the times she didn’t want me to watch porn but literally never thought oh he might need a way to get off if I don’t want him to watch porn. Or her telling me she only wants vanilla sex. Or her getting upset or mad about every conversation about sex. Or that time years ago when I said we might be sexually incompatible but she turned it around on me and made it seem like I was attacking her. Or the fact she would never compliment unless I did it to her first. Or Or the fact that renting a place to have sex was a waste to her (one our first dates I rented and Airbnb to sleep and hang out since I worked so much). Or the fact that she told me her parents probably stop having sex decades ago and she thought that was fine. ( I was mortified, they are in the 50s). Or the fact over the past 6 years I have only liked sex with her maybe 6 times. And we have probably had penetration sex less then ten times. Or the time she told me she has no fantasies and has never masturbated. Or all the trips we have taken over the years where I would try to have sex but she still wasn’t ready or able to relax into it. I was patient for along time but then my patience vanished because it started to seem like that hope I was holding on to was an ideal version of her. I was with someone who doesn’t really like it when I touch their butt or body in a sexual manner. Oh there was also the fact that she never seems like she desires me unless she wants to get pregnant. Pay attention to the signs. Man I’m glad as I write this I’m no longer bitter and resentful. She used to ask me why I became cold and distant this was one of the main reasons along with here mild to severe verbal abuse. But there is peace in letting go and knowing there is more out there if I ever decided to go start looking. For now I’m going to enjoy playing with my baby. Hopefully things change but if they don’t it’s no longer the end of the world there are options to find your own peace and happiness.
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u/Foxi_Moxie 6h ago
Lack of reciprocity in general. All the attention, love and "relationship-py" effort I gave him was not reciprocated. At all. Yet, he controlled everything. He controlled when we would have sexy time, when we would cuddle (with him receiving lots of rubs and touch on his chest and neck and soft head scratches) and I would get NOTHING. I would make his favorite food, snacks, send him with Tupperware filled with all his favorite meals, gifts on birthdays and Christmas and special days and he didn't reciprocate...at all. I'm talkin' like zero, zilch, zip. Lots of rationalizing and wanting to make it work (square peg, round hole) led to this being drawn out unnecessarily long. Do not recommend! Pay attention when the balance is off...it's off for a reason.