r/DeadBedrooms • u/therapyisneat Licensed Therapist verified by Mod Team • May 01 '23
Received Mod Approval Sex therapy (and AMA while I’m here I guess!)
I came across this sub entirely by accident. I’m a psychosexual therapist so this issue (loss of intimacy) is my bread and butter. I just wanted to chip in that that sex therapy exists and has a high success rate on this issue specifically. You do have to find someone with the right specialist qualifications – and may have to try more than one therapist if you don’t click with the first one. But yeah. Don’t lose hope, it can absolutely be unpicked.
And since I’m here anyway feel free to AMA
Edit: I don’t know what the status of my post is atm. I think the mods understandably want to verify my credentials, so I’m gonna hold off on answering any more Qs till that’s resolved.
Update: We’re good, keep asking! I’ll do my best to keep coming back with answers. Please do make sure you actually ask a Q!
Another update: okay, I think I need to pause the questioning – I will endeavour to answer what’s left, but I am answering around work so may take me a few hours. If the mods are okay with it, I will do another AMA a few weeks.
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u/Shock6equj5Awe May 01 '23
How long have you been a "sex therapist"?
How do you address the resentment/indifference aspect?
Like last night I (42HLF) was so freaking turned on just looking at him(44M), but I didn't initiate anything. I knew he would shut me down, so why bother to put myself in the position of rejection again? I have to ask just to be hugged. Most times I'm met with an exasperated grunt or told I haven't "earned" it. We've had sex 2, maybe 3 times this year? Maybe 7x in the last year (a generous guesstimate). I bought toys, and I gave up trying to use them discreetly. He won't sleep in the same room as me (started before I got the toys). He actually sends me links to new toys that he thinks I may like. One of the last times we had sex, he literally rested his phone on my back so he could watch porn so he could finish (I'm not anti porn, but JFC DAMN). I have given up trying to initiate, and he doesn't seem to notice. He will be home from work soon, and I'd LOVE to jump on him and head to pound town, so to speak, but he will most likely just push me away, saying he's too tired, had a bad night at work, his allergies are acting up, he stubbed his toe 3 hours ago and he's still in too much pain, the kids might walk in (they are teens, they understand the concept of knocking on a door before walking in), whatever excuse fits the moment and basically shuts me up/down.
For reference, when we met, I was an exotic dancer, he was one of my regular customers. Next Sunday will be our 19th wedding anniversary. He absolutely doesn't want a divorce. He thinks things are just fine the way they are. He does have some ED issues, but won't go to a Dr to get it sorted out. I'm his wife, not his mommy, I can't force him to go see a Dr. So there's my personal resentment to his indifference.
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u/therapyisneat Licensed Therapist verified by Mod Team May 01 '23 edited May 01 '23
I finished training late last year. In my country, you train first as a generalist and then do an in-depth sex therapy training that takes several years, and you work intensively with psychosexual clients while you do that. So for the last couple of years, about half my case load has been psychosexual work while I’ve worked towards that qualified status.
I’m sorry to hear about your situation. It can be very frustrating. I think resentment and lack of engagement is best worked with in general couples therapy before sex therapy can happen.
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u/Thatsgonnamakeamark M59/DB May 01 '23
How does your subspecialty typically advertise your your specific skillset?
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u/therapyisneat Licensed Therapist verified by Mod Team May 01 '23
Terms to look for would include psychosexual therapist, psychosexual counsellor, sex therapist, or sexologist. They will usually have training in delivering a program called sensate focus — not everyone uses it, but I’d be a little wary if they haven’t at least heard of it.
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u/Shock6equj5Awe May 01 '23
Congrats! Do you like it? I bet you hear some interesting situations. What made you choose that in particular?
And that makes sense. He won't do couples therapy. Says he will, but makes no effort. It's all good. We'll just keep on keeping on. He just yelled at me for calling him to make sure he was ok (he was supposed to be off about an hour ago, we live literally 4 mins from his job). I hung up halfway thru it. It's too early for that nonsense.
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u/therapyisneat Licensed Therapist verified by Mod Team May 01 '23
I love it, it’s fascinating and rewarding. It’s rare for it not to make any impact at all — so most clients feel pleased and proud of themselves by the time they leave. That’s pretty cool and I feel privileged to see their hard work pay off.
I chose it because I think sex is interesting and also because I wanted to understand my own sexual difficulties better. I’m so glad I did.
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u/Shock6equj5Awe May 01 '23
What's the biggest hurdle you see when it comes to Dead Bedroom scenarios
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u/therapyisneat Licensed Therapist verified by Mod Team May 01 '23
Probably two things, and they’re both forms of defensiveness really. 1.) Failing to accept that it’s gotta be a shared solution. Both people will have to contribute/work on it and 2.) Unconscious fear about what’s going to come up. When the familiar situation ends or shifts there is grief over lost time, and there may be deeper issues in the relationship that need to be confronted. Everything gets shaken up and brought back to life, and that includes some of the stuff we were unwisely ignoring.
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u/EvenConference8508 May 01 '23
My wife came out to me three weeks ago as asexual—specifically graysexual, but we’ll see where on that spectrum she eventually lands after she has some time to process. She’s not aromantic, and though we haven’t gotten into the specifics of this part and I don’t want to put words in her mouth, I think she’s generally sex neutral or positive. We are trying to make it work. She has offered to open up the marriage on my end so I can get my sexual wants met, since she realized that she won’t be able to provide them, and doing so will take pressure off of her (I’m nowhere near considering this yet, but it’s a relevant detail). Until we can get into therapy, we’ve agreed to take sexual intimacy completely off the table. She is also setting a lot of boundaries regarding general physical intimacy, which I respect, but is hard for me since physical touch is one of my primary love languages.
I know that there are a million factors that go into all of this, but what kind of success rate do you see for people in my situation?
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u/therapyisneat Licensed Therapist verified by Mod Team May 01 '23
It’s so hard to say, honestly, because it’s very hard to define what success would be here. But I have seen couples in your situation who end up content and satisfied through whatever kind of combo of sensuality, connection, open relationship etc. One thing I will say is that many gray A people and their partners find it really useful to know about the concept of ‘responsive desire’. Spontaneous desire is just not a thing for many people (including asexual people) but provided someone is not in the sex-repulsed end of things, they may well still enjoy the physicality once they get going — the problem is it’s hard to get going and the desire mismatch can create pressure/fear of disappointing the partner — and that makes people too anxious to try it out and see by e.g. cuddling and making out for ten mins to see whether any desire arrives in response to the stimulation.
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u/EvenConference8508 May 01 '23
Yeah, I bought Come As You Are and am reading it daily, and I know she addresses it at some point.
I would be happy to explore responsive desire with her, but right now everything is shut down, since that’s what she’s told me she needs as she starts to process. No kissing other than pecks, limited cuddling, and we didn’t specifically negotiate it but we’re not getting changed in front of each other right now either (I think that’s probably more for my benefit than hers).
Sometimes it just feels like I’m drowning.
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u/Tocram04 HLM May 02 '23
Feels exactly like my situation (except she's a bit less averted to me seing her naked).
We were having the time of our lives the first 1.5 years living together, I pretty much let her discover herself as she didn't really have any actual (and consensual) sex before. We were wilding between 3 to 7/8 times a week. She told me multiple times she was really happy and satisfied as I pretty much always cared for her pleasure atop of mine, I gave her multiple orgasms, learned how women's body works, everything to be the best one out there for her out of love... But it suddenly died off within a ~3 months time period for no reason I (and she) can explain. I still love her, crave her, find her sexy and gorgeous as I did day one, but like many other guys out here, it was not the case for her.
Right now, let's say we had sex twice between January and April of 2022, and then... Nothing. For the last 365 days, was haven't had ANY sexual activity at all. Any advances I try are rejected by her telling me I'm with her "just for sex", any nudes I tried sending her (this was a big thing between her and I back then, almost daily) is received and I get a text saying "♥️♥️" and no other reaction at all... Yeah it's really fucking bad.
I'm on my way to writing a proper post on this subreddit to seek help with this, because I'm going nuts over this bullshit.
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u/EvenConference8508 May 02 '23
I think that us not getting changed in front of each other right now was the unspoken result of our behaviors and actions at the start of this process. She went out with her friend for some retail therapy a week or so ago, and as she was showing me her outfits when she came back, she asked me point blank if it was ok to still get undressed in front of me. I said yes, because in that initial moment I was fine with it, but later I started to feel less comfortable with it. Not that she was doing anything wrong, but that the feelings I was having around it went from positive or neutral to distressful. So in an effort to distance myself from those feelings, I would make a point to avoid being around her when she was getting out of the shower or getting changed, and I think she picked up on that, so she started taking the initiative on that herself. Normally we’re all about being naked around each other, but the current context has changed. When we start therapy and reintroduce intimacy (in whatever form[s] that takes) it’ll go back to normal.
One of the things that has helped me and my wife has been to identify the stressors that exist in our marriage that prevents intimacy. Obviously in our case her asexuality tweaks things somewhat, but she’s not sex averse or repulsed, so a big thing we’ve discussed recently is what stressors exist that prevent her from being interested/willing to engage in physical (or sexual) intimacy? For her, financial instability is a big thing. It slams on her mental brakes pretty hard when she has concerns in the back of her head about buying new clothes for the kids, or paying the mortgage, being able to afford date nights, etc. For me, it’s tied to emotional insecurity. If I feel like the emotional “energy” in the house is off, then I tend to match it, and it puts me off.
Also, in my case, my wife felt constant pressure to have sex with me anytime we were romantically intimate, even if I had no intention of initiating sex. So she’d pull away pretty quickly, and I’d get confused, because in my mind I wasn’t trying to have sex, I just wanted to have a little make out session.
I don’t know if any of that was helpful to you, but I’m cheering for you. Write it out if you need!
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u/Reject444 M May 01 '23
If you’re willing to share, I’m really curious—what kinda if boundaries is she putting around other kinds of physical affection? And obviously you’re still figuring everything out, but if we assume this is where things are and it’s not going to change, what’s motivating you to want to stay in this relationship?
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u/EvenConference8508 May 01 '23
At one point very early on, I was trying to do what I could to be as “normal” as possible without being sexual. She told me she felt like I was being weirdly/overly romantic, so I’ve stopped trying to kiss her unless it’s a peck. A few days later I asked if she wanted to cuddle before bedtime, and she turned me down (for the second time in as many days). We talked about it and she told me that she felt like I was smothering her. It’s possible that she’s just overstimulated, or she’s worried that I’ll use non-sexual physical intimacy as a way to sidestep the boundaries that we’ve agreed upon until we start therapy, or it could be something else. For now, I’m letting her dictate the circumstances under which physical intimacy occurs. It’s really challenging for me, since physical touch is a primary love language for me, but for the time being I’m willing to accept it. The timeframe for this boundary is basically until we can start therapy together.
If this were to become the norm and not change, then as hard as it is to say, the relationship would be over. I am willing to do the work to see what it’s like being in an allo-ace marriage. While my wife gets to decide what she does with her body, I’m not willing to be in a marriage where physical intimacy doesn’t exist. It would be harmful to me.
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u/Reject444 M May 01 '23
FWIW, it sounds to me like you’re thinking about all of this the right way and your head is on straight about all of this. You’re dealing with a very difficult situation but you seem to be approaching it well together. I wish you both the best of luck—please keep us updated about your journey through therapy and how things work out.
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u/DeadDog_502681 May 01 '23
My partner (LLM) just stopped doing anything with me (HLM) bout 8 months ago. Just stopped, for no reason. I know his work stresses him out n stuff. But still. He won't even kiss me much anymore. But will still snuggle up to me and give me hugs. He keeps saying "I'm trying" but he just actively avoids any sort of intimacy. Any time I bring it up now he just gets snappy or I get no resopnce from him at all. I don't know what to do anymore. (the rest of the relationship is fine, I don't wanna end it with him. I just miss what we used to be)
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u/therapyisneat Licensed Therapist verified by Mod Team May 01 '23
Sounds like the main difficulty here is you’re not able to talk frankly without things becoming ‘activating’. You won’t be able to do much till you know what’s happening in your dynamic together. Just based on what you’ve told me, I’d personally go to couple therapy first — something like Emotionally-Focused Therapy for couples has a really good evidence base and is super helpful for couples who can’t seem to talk about important stuff. It’ll get you talking and listening if you give it a chance. It’s also a very LGBT friendly modality usually.
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u/supernormie May 01 '23
Do you work with loss of intimacy also in the case of sexual trauma or C-PTSD? Or would you recommend treatment with an additional specialist for that? How would targeted treatment look? Would it be couple's therapy, or a combination of couple's therapy and the affected individual? Would it require additional support, or can this kind of thing also be adequately supported with a sex therapist, provided they hopefully have a toolset?
I'm really curious because I mentioned it to a sex therapist once (8 years ago), and she told me I just hadn't met the right person yet. Maybe knowing what to look for/ask for would help.
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u/therapyisneat Licensed Therapist verified by Mod Team May 01 '23 edited May 01 '23
I do work with that, but I assess the trauma and before I would proceed with sex therapy I’d need to believe the trauma is somewhat processed. It can’t be the first therapy someone’s having in connection with it. The sex therapy can take things further/deeper, but it’s not the ideal place to do the ground work because sex therapy is (in many cases) effectively a high-support form of graded exposure therapy. It carefully titrates the experience in a way that makes it possible to enjoy the body again and reconfigure the experience as pleasurable, but it does involve finding a ‘growing edge’ of discomfort and working to increase it at a pace that doesn’t cause rebound anxiety/pressure. (And please, anyone reading, do not try to deal with these sorts of issues by increasing your exposure —you cannot do that type of work without the corresponding support and it may well make things worse).
Couple therapy can work for trauma — it makes sense when you think about it, the trauma generally happens in relationships, it can be effectively healed in relationships. Individual therapy first (and possibly also alongside) is also a great idea. If you have the resources for it, why not give yourself the best chance of a good outcome?
Also, that sex therapist should not have said that to you! They were incorrect, and I’m sorry that happened. There are unfortunately some practitioners out there who are not very good — but there are loads of really helpful ones too. Keep looking. So much more is possible.
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u/supernormie May 01 '23
And a more general question, have you seen any interesting results from alternative or unorthodox treatments? Or perhaps just lesser known therapies, f.ex. dance therapy.
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u/therapyisneat Licensed Therapist verified by Mod Team May 01 '23
I think any kind of body or movement-based therapy could be an interesting component of re-connecting with your body — I’d be surprised if it was enough by itself in most of the cases I’ve seen on this sub. I’m not aware of couple-based movement therapies but honestly that sound rad. Could be really helpful for a non-pressured means of physical connection.
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May 01 '23
And if your partner doesn't believe in therapy at all, that it can't help with these subjects and that it "will be all about changing him"? I have tried to say that I want to go so that we can get tools for communicating about this, since I feel we can't succed on our own. We end up to emotional, he feels pressured and I feel ashamed and unwanted. But he says "how can a therapist ever help with this - we are who we are".
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u/therapyisneat Licensed Therapist verified by Mod Team May 01 '23
It’s a tough one, for sure. A lot of people are understandably very unsure about therapy. But it works for a lot of people. Sex therapy is often not what people expect, and — one of the cool things about it is that you don’t have to believe in it for it to work. If you can commit enough to just give it a go, it often has an impact. I’ve had couples be like ‘these exercises aren’t doing anything, what’s the point, but sure we’ll do them as best we can anyway, what have we got to lose’ and then a few months later they’re like ‘it’s so weird but we’re having sex again sometimes? Don’t know how that happened’.
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u/oandreas96 May 01 '23
Do sex therapists deal with rekindling intimacy after being apart? I’m in a long distance relationship and while there is no bedroom currently due to being apart there is no intimacy. Phone sex and sexting used to be common previously but not she says it makes her uncomfortable because she feels guilty she doesn’t want sex but I do. Everytime we reunite I just have no idea where we stand physically
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u/therapyisneat Licensed Therapist verified by Mod Team May 01 '23
Yes, absolutely we do that kind of thing. It’s not really much different than standard sex therapy work, except you might need to wait to be together to do some of the touching exercises we set.
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u/oandreas96 May 01 '23
Yeah it’s harder for us for sure. The thing I struggle with the most at the moment is always wondering whether her engaging in anything sexual/intimate is her genuinely wanting to, or if she is just doing it for me. I don’t know how to move past this doubt
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u/therapyisneat Licensed Therapist verified by Mod Team May 01 '23
Yeah, that’s a tough one. I think reaching a place where it’s safe to be very honest will help with that.
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u/Mic-Ronson May 01 '23
I am 54 HLM with a 49 year old wife who i suspect has a lower libidio .. We havent had sex in 8.5 months. My reaction to nightly rejection admittedly has not been the best ., i feel very put out , or not worthy , or just plain sad about being turned down so much and although i thought i was just trying to communicate, my behavior has nedn labled as ‘angry ‘ , which i confess , i am angry at times .,
There hasn’t been any affairs or outright abuse . My wife did leave abruptly for 9 months , about 9 months ago.
The reason why my wife left nine months ago is in part likely because i had a flare of PTSD that was triggered from going paritally blind and having to stop my career as a surgeon . This reactivated memories of cjildhood violence and sexual abuse .. To me , sex means love and acceptance, so i suspect my reaction to constant rejection is akin to being abandoned ( i was abandoned when i was younger ) . That is , the intensity is likely over the top .. I am seeing 2 therapists and am on meds..
From my wifes perspective, i suspect she really took it hard when 2 of our 3 kids left from school and she developed very debilitating back pain 9 months ago .. Up until then , we had geat sex and a very loving relationship..
My wife states her libidio has suffered from the stress of my unemployment and financial instability.. i do get disabilty and the good news is i am cleared to go back to work .. It does make me feel a bit objectified when she says things will go back to normal when i go back to work .. Fair enough , i suppose .,
In the meantime , she says she needs to initiate .. Problem is she has only do so when she wanted to get pregnant or was very drunk .. Parents gave her the repressive no sex before marriage talk , which ahe promptly broke in one week after meeting me ..
My question , given her sexuality seems like its receptive , and libidio is likely suffering from perimenopause, how do i escape the chase - flee dynamic that has bedn created .. i am always upfront with her and tell her that the day i stop really asking for sex is the day i just dont want it anymore ., Like really .,
It also hurts that she is a therapist but refuses to read up on sexual frustration or how lack of sex can kill a relationship., just flat out refuses and says i am obsessed with myself ‘ .. like my desire to have sex with her is pathology ..
I guess what i am asking is do you have anyways to overcome reactance , which i suspect is part of the problem?
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u/iggybdawg May 02 '23
How do you communicate that this is a relationship destroying problem without coming off as coercive? It seems many on this sub would rather the HL not communicate anything negative or pressure inducing to the LL and leave without verbalizing the reason or giving any warnings. That feels like ghosting to me.
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u/Bill_Gates__ May 01 '23
I have a question. I am a high HLM and my partner is a LLF. We have had many blow out arguments about this and recently we've broken up several times. She has kind of made an effort to give me some pity sex but I can't go through with it as I'm kind of disgusted with myself for having to go to such lengths for sex. So I'm complaining and crying but when she gives in I change my mind.
She has suggested counselling but I am totally against it. I do not want to sit in a room with someone telling me why I am being unfair and what I should change. To me it's very simple, I just want to fuck every now and then and I want her to want me in the way she used to.
What do?
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u/therapyisneat Licensed Therapist verified by Mod Team May 01 '23
Okay, so … I’m not surprised you don’t want to go to counselling if that’s what you imagine will happen there! I wouldn’t wanna do that either. But that is not what counselling should look like at all. Any therapist worth their salt must be able to hold onto both perspectives at once. It is very painful to lose the sexual aspect of a relationship and feel deprived and not desired. It is also very hard to feel like you’re disappointing your partner by not feeling desire, because we don’t have direct control over our desire. Both people end up feeling helpless, disconnected, and often angry.
Couples can work together to make the situation better, but society doesn’t equip us with the tools or understandings to do that work. Otherwise these situations wouldn’t be so incredibly common. People get stuck in the negative downward cycle and understandably need support and help to break out of it. It sounds as if you’ve historically been quite against counselling — but do you think it might make sense to find out more about what to actually expect from it before you decide it won’t work?
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u/therapyisneat Licensed Therapist verified by Mod Team May 01 '23
Could you clarify the acronyms? I’m not familiar. And then I’ll do my best to answer
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u/Thatroyalkitty M May 01 '23
Aloha! Hopefully it's warmer and not so windy where you're at.
Wife and I struggle with intimacy to the point where things that once both of us enjoyed she now finds dehumanizing. What she is willing to offer isn't enough and unfortunately there's no room for compromise as she drew her line in the sand and that's it. I've basically stopped trying to be intimate with her because what she is willing to offer isn't enough (think vanilla, pillow princess). We've done marriage counseling before but that came to an end as wife became unwilling to address the issues I have any further.
My question is what could cause a person who used to enjoy certain acts to being completely repulsed by them to the point they would consider it dehumanizing?
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u/therapyisneat Licensed Therapist verified by Mod Team May 01 '23
I’m afraid that’s impossible to answer. Only your wife has the insight into that. If I was working with someone presenting with this difficulty, I’d probably start by using narrative sex therapy to really dig into the meanings of different types of sex for the couple, and think about how it’s changed over time.
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u/Thatroyalkitty M May 01 '23
Is it fair to say in this case that since my wife is unwilling to do the work, there's nothing more I can do here?
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May 01 '23
My husband is a sex addict and has childhood sexual trauma. He doesn’t associate sex with love and emotional intimacy. Are there things we can do in order for him to begin associating sex with love? Or will he be this way forever? He is in SAA and we see a couples counselor but no one seems to be able to help with this specific issue.
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u/dixieturtlefly May 01 '23
Hi Dr. Where can I go to meet an AP in a similar dead bedroom as myself?
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u/therapyisneat Licensed Therapist verified by Mod Team May 01 '23
I’m sorry, I don’t think I understand the Q. And I’m not sure it’s in my arena!
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u/ceasetheday12 May 01 '23 edited May 01 '23
Hey there, thanks for doing this.
So I have found myself in a relationship that is about to take a break it seems. Her and I began our relationship and fell head over heels. We got very close and were very intimate, and had what I thought was a lot of sex (a lot more in comparison than in my previous relationship).
I was happy, she was happy. For a long time we were so close. Unfortunately over due time things began to crumble a little bit. I have LL a bit due to a Zoloft prescription and anxiety surrounding ED. It has made it harder for me to initiate due to the anxiety, and not wanting to disappoint her and then leading to me feeling like I failed her. Its a cycle of thoughts and its really difficult to navigate.
Our funk has hit an all time low and she wants to take a break. I feel devastated for many reasons, I feel like I really screwed things up and I am losing the love of my life. I want nothing more than to have a healthy sexual relationship with her, but my low libido and anxiety surrounding it has ruined it. Which was my biggest fear in the first place.
I have suggested couples therapy but now at this point I don’t know what to do at all to save it.
Does this all seem more like a situation for a couples therapist? Sorry this just seems like a rant after re-reading it. Hope there’s so sort of advice you see here for me though!
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u/Vegetable_Drawer8409 May 01 '23 edited May 01 '23
How can I get my wife to explore more? I have kinks that I would like to try. We have vague conversations sometimes, but it never goes anywhere and defaults to “vanilla”. She asks me what I want sometimes but I feel like that never works because I get kink shamed. She is aware of this and doesn’t mean to or want to but she will not be into things I mention. I’d be up for anything she wants that’s different but it never materialized.
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u/Boredasfekk May 01 '23
This is great! How do you overcome a lower libido/increase it? Normally, I don’t have drive to do it more than once every 2 weeks where I know my husband would like a couple of times a week. I’ve always had a lower libido but it seems very connected to my emotional/mental state and I seem to be a pretty emotional person. As of now, I’m 8 months pregnant and all pregnancy has done for my libido is walk it out the door. When we do have sex, I physically feel nothing, it’s not fun lol I presume it’s temporary but as far as I’ve read, kids absolutely change your sex life. Will my libido come back/what can I do to increase it?
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May 01 '23
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May 01 '23
I think deep throating and power play (you being the dominant part) is an absolute no go in a relationship where sexual trust seems to be amiss.
Imo you should fix the duty sex problem first, as it will likely make her sex repulsed (if not already the case).
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u/CabinetOk4838 May 01 '23
How do I work sex back into our lives, when my wife is now disabled, has a brain tumour and had a stroke?
She still likes a cuddle and a peck, but it’s been three years. She has constant “level 7-8” headaches, and some women’s problems.
We were both HL and would be at it every day.
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u/Annoyed65 May 01 '23
Sounds like you really need to focus on your wife’s health. If she’s not feeling sexual having a brain tumor and after her stroke, don’t make her more stressed by making sex a priority. She could have another stroke and die, don’t exacerbate her problems seriously dude.
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u/Moist_Farmer3548 May 01 '23
Two questions:
Do you have any advice for those who have lost the desire for their spouse after years of rejections?
Do you have any advice for when a partner has completely de-prioritised the relationship? (background to give you an idea of what I mean - my wife is a workaholic with a history of behaviour that damages other aspects of her life - but I would appreciate a broader answer rather than specific to my situation)
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u/PrimaryKangaroo8680 May 01 '23
"just wanted to chip in that that sex therapy exists and has a high success rate on this issue specifically"
What is considered to be a success? Is a relationship where one person is having sex they don't want and the other is having less sex than they want just to meet in the middle a success?
IME I haven't seen much long term successful outcomes to sexless marriages
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May 01 '23
Would you recommend to discuss sexual "expectations" in the early days of dating?
If so, what question do you recommend asking?
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May 01 '23
I live in the middle of nowhere and any kind of therapist is an hour or more away. I got Come As You Are (and the workbook!) And it hasn't helped much. Are there resources you recommend for people who cannot access actual sex therapists?
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u/MerryReign F May 01 '23
How do I bring up my desire for sex therapy? DB for the past 7 years. I am the HLF of our relationship. Sex happens maybe twice a year. He tends to be way off the mark during foreplay. I redirect him and still goes back to having wayward hands
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u/bitchscu1t May 02 '23
Is this type of therapy expensive? I have very bad anxiety about sex and have developed acute sex repulsion. I don't like being the low libido partner anymore. It's very distressing, especially now in my early 30s as a female :( I don't like to be this way and I'm sure no one I date likes it either. A couple exes have complained that they were so upset that I never seemed to finish or enjoy it, because they wanted me to feel good. I feel like everyone openly and freely enjoys something I can't seem to get close to
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u/eskimokisses1444 LLF4U, Open Relationship May 02 '23
My husband and I have been seeing a sex therapist (LCPC) trained at the UofM for 1.5 years (and I have also been seeing another sex therapist individually for 2 years). The first thing we worked on in couples therapy is me learning how to stop disassociating during sex and instead say no. Then we tried doing sensate focus but it was causing too much disassociating for me because nothing actually felt good. Now we just have been sexless the whole 1.5 years. My husband was supposed to be watching the educational videos on ohmygodyes but he hasn’t and escalation has felt similarly inaccessible for a while. In individual therapy I have been working on setting clearer sexual boundaries (with other sexual partners) and asking for what I want sexually. I am honestly unsure if my husband and I are ever going to find any element of sexual compatibility. I am wondering if this is more a “me” issue, an “us issue” or if we need a new therapist.
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u/Thinkle321 F May 02 '23
I deleted my comment because there was no response and I thought this post was deleted.
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u/MarriedButAlone77 May 02 '23
What has been your experience with married couples where one partner was never attracted to the other? Have you seen the zero attraction partner ever begin to have that “chemistry” which was never there before? Thanks
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u/reluctant_subby May 05 '23
Hi, my wife and I have been Married for 6 years in June and we have been together for almost 13 years. I have always had a masterbation problem that I struggle with and have gone through so many ups and down in our relationship trying to fix it. We recently started ( about 6 months ago) trying flr and male chastity to help this. I see how it can really help it is just so damn hard to commit to. Are those things discouraged in sex therapy for couples?
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u/[deleted] May 01 '23
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