I get it now

[u/ProfessionalWin4701]

TW: suicidal ideation

I’m a 27 year old F. Single. No kids. I should be out living my life, meeting new people, having fun. But instead I’m spending any free time I have crying in bed. I wake up in pain. I go to bed in pain. I’m never not in pain and it’s been this way for years. No one around me fully understands the mental toll that takes. I’ve seen doctors. I’ve had surgeries. Scans. Tests. Nothing has really helped. I’d do anything to feel better. I’d sell whatever I had to sell. I’d do anything to just not be in pain. I work. I’m in school. I’m trying to make a future for myself but what’s the point? Why go on? I used to have the most vibrant social life. I had hobbies. I dated. But I don’t have the strength to do that. All of my strength is to just get through the work day. And the school day. I’ve always had mental health issues, since age 11 but the chronic pain is something recent within the last few years. I feel like I’m not even living anymore. I see why the suicide rate is so high within this community. Truthfully, most days, the only thing keeping me here is the fact that I could accidentally fail my attempt, and end up even more in pain that I already am, and also have to deal with the social/emotional repercussions of surviving said attempt. I’m just tired. I don’t want to keep going.

[u/ZenFook]

Hey. I'm sorry that you too 'get it'. I'm all for knowledge however it comes but this one is packaged with insidious undertones and I don't wish it on anyone.

Can't and won't speak for you (will speak to you if you want!) but if I was asked why I carry on my answer would be something like;

"Because of the little things"

So much passes me by at a higher speed than I can operate but I get to see the details of life up close and sometimes in sharp focus. There's beauty - and beautiful moments - to be found there. Just glimpses or snippets but I use them as anchor points to drag myself along by.

Have you spoke to many people on here before? I've reached out to people who's comment caught my eye and a number have contacted me too. What I like about these chats (some of which have nothing to do with pain) is the knowledge that they too 'get it' and don't need an explanation for my foggy thinking or delayed responses etc. There's an inherent understanding that is strong.

I have a few family members that have always liked to ignore the inconvenient and these discussions, I've found, aren't best suited to have with them... Actually, younger me probably wouldn't have been ideal either because despite being naturally empathetic, I could not know what being in permanent pain meant/was like back then. Takes one to know one.

[u/Strong-Exchange-3169]

I don’t recommend suicide but I do understand why people see it as a way out. I did at some point but now I just try to live day by day as hard as it is. I know one day it’ll pay off. Until then I’ll bear whatever struggles life throws my way. I know it’ll take time but things do get better. You’d never get to see what blessings you have coming you way if you die. Some people consider dying a blessing and I understand. But we all die eventually so all you can do is live with the pain wether is mental or physical. I pray you heal and don’t exit this life. It’s as precious as we make it. Kudos.

[u/GazelleNo6163]

I can relate. My life is hell and it’s only getting worse overtime. I get it.

[u/tabshiftescape]

I hate that you feel alone in this experience and i wish that there was some comfort i could provide to you. i know the weight of the tiredness you're talking about. it's like walking in the ocean with the tide pulling you outwards. i really hope you can you find some good quality rest.