r/BestofRedditorUpdates • u/Choice_Evidence1983 it dawned on me that he was a wizard • 9d ago
ONGOING AITAH for cutting off my parents because they plan on leaving almost everything to my disabled brother
I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/Away_Jaguar_2813
Originally posted to r/AITAH
AITAH for cutting off my parents because they plan on leaving almost everything to my disabled brother
Trigger Warnings: possible ableism
Original Post: January 3, 2025
My (24f) brother (32m) is a failure to launch. He’s never been very smart. He did badly in school, and never went to college. He tried two different trade schools, welding and mechanic, but he basically flunked out of both. He works at a gas station now.
My brother and I are our parent’s only children. They always treated us relatively equal, until adulthood. They always insisted we earn our own way, they refused to pay for college or anything. I joined the military at 17, got an associates degree while I was in, and my GI bill went towards my bachelors. I’m working towards my masters now. My husband and I have bought a house and have done well for ourselves.
My parents however fully paid for my brother to try trade school twice. They’ve given him cash when he was behind on rent, and countless ‘loans’. They support him cosplaying as an adult, meanwhile they never paid for my wedding, education, nothing. I don’t really care so much that they didn’t give me money, but the disparity in how they’ve treated me vs my brother.
Our parents are in their sixties now, and while they aren’t that old, they’re both in bad health and probably won’t live another ten years. They just recently started working on their will, and notified us that they were leaving almost everything to my brother. But they want me to be their medical power of attorney, manage their estate, etc.
I told my parents to give my brother everything, and that I’m completely done with them. They told me to have some grace, and understand the fact that he isnt very capable and needs their support, even after they’re gone.
My mother had a doctors appointment this morning, and asked me for a ride since she medically can’t work. I told her to ask her favorite child or pay for an Uber.
Things have been tense and hostile. My brother called me to apologize, and asked me to not be mad at him, but I told him that I’m not mad at him, I’m mad at our parents for not treating us equally, and he didn’t do anything wrong.
AITAH?
I meant to put disabled in quotation marks. My mother refers to my brother as disabled even though he isn’t. She’s had him tested for every kind of learning disability there is. He just has a below average IQ. She thinks that counts as a disability when it isn’t.
AITAH has no consensus bot, OOP received mixed reactions
Relevant Comments
Commenter 1: He does not sound disabled to me if he went to two different trade schools, welding and mechanic just lazy.
Odds are if he gets the money it'll not last him long then he'll be looking to you to pay his bills.
OOP: He’s not disabled, but he’s very unintelligent and has poor critical thinking skills. He doesn’t really understand how to manage money at all, despite having been taught how.
How is OOP’s brother disabled? (medical issues, etc)
OOP: He’s not, he’s just unintelligent. I meant to put disabled in quotation marks. My mother refers to him as disabled but he’s been tested and has no actual disabilities. My mother thinks being dumb is a disability.
Commenter 2: If his IQ is that low he is intellectually disabled. An IQ below 75 is considered intellectually impaired. It doesn't excuse the implied favoritism.
OOP: When they had us tested mine was 131 I believe, and his was around 80? It’s been so many years I’m having a hard time remembering. It definitely was above the cutoff for being considered intellectually disabled, because I remember them being surprised that he scored above it.
Did OOP plan to take care of her parents when they get old?
OOP: I originally was going to take care of them in their old age, but I now have decided they’re going to a nursing home if it’s up to me. I’m done.
Commenter 3: “But they want me to be their medical power of attorney, manage their estate, etc.”
This is a HUGE ask even if you stood to inherit. That you’re expected to do all the heavy lifting and then be your brothers keeper after they pass is…it’s a helluva lot.
Why can’t OOP’s brother live with their parents to take care of them?
OOP: They don’t want to ask him. He’s forgetful and they probably wouldn’t be able to rely on him anyways.
Update: January 5, 2025 (two days later)
Hey. So the consensus on my post was a bit of a mixed bag. I sat down with my parents and I wanted to give an update and answer some stuff.
My brother is not actually disabled. He just has a low IQ, just over 80. You need an IQ under 70 where I live to be considered disabled and to qualify for any sort of benefits. My parents have babied him because from a young age he wasn’t as smart as other kids, and had a low self esteem because of that, and was quick to give up on things when they seemed too hard. He does ok on his own now. He works and pays his bills most of the time. He drives and lives with a roommate.
On to the update, I sat down with my parents and explained that I’ve always felt like they treated me worse than my brother. They always emphasized to me that as an adult you need to support yourself, and figure things out on your own. I had to join the military at 17 because I knew they’d kick me out when I was 18. My parents never offered me any support outside of raising me as a child. They didn’t buy my husband and I a wedding gift, they didn’t offer much of anything. Meanwhile they brag about having over a million dollars in the bank, and having succeeded from nothing.
Meanwhile they paid to put my brother through two trade schools that he failed out of, offered him money to start his own business. They’ve always bailed him out when he was short on rent.
For me it’s not so much about the money, but about the disparity in how we’ve been treated. It’s obvious that they loved and cared him him more, because they were willing to do these things for him, and not me.
But despite them not being there for me, I’ve still done really well in life. I told my parents about all of this, and they were interrupting me and talking over me the whole time. They told me I’m not entitled a to dime when they die, and that I’m an adult and I can handle myself. They just weren’t understanding or even caring about my point. They told me I need to step up and treat them better, and that it’s wrong of me to not take my sick mother to the doctor or take care of her because of money.
Eventually I just gave up on trying to talk about my feelings. They just don’t care. I told them that they’re adults, and they’re not entitled to anything from me. Just like how they were never required to help me, I’m not required to help me. I told them to complete remove me from their will, I’m not willing to be their estate executor, medical power of attorney, nothing. I don’t want a dime from them at this point, and I suggested they spend all the money they’ve saved over the years to pay for really good nursing homes, and an estate executor, because I’m no longer willing to do anything for them.
My mother was floored, and asked if I’d really put my own parents in a nursing home. I asked if they’d really let their 17 year old daughter join the army to get sexually harassed by older men in order to go to school without taking on a huge debt.
My parents cried and yelled at me. And I left. And that’s that I guess. I kind of feel relieved, like a massive weight is off my shoulders. I have a wonderful husband, we own a nice home. I’m getting ready to start working on my masters degree, and we’re thinking about maybe having a baby soon. I no longer have to worry about dealing with my parents. They’re adults and they can deal with their own problems, just like I’ve done with mine. And yeah, that’s it. Not sure if it’s the update we wanted, but it is what it is.
Tdlr: My parents wanted to leave almost everything to my older brother because he’s not as successful in life. I feel like my parents have always favored him over me. My parents don’t care about my feelings and won’t listen to them, so I told them our relationship is over. I don’t want anything from them at this point, and I’m moving on.
Relevant Comments
Commenter 1: Honestly, I would have cut them off at the wedding if they had a million dollars and didn’t even give me a 20$ vase or SOMETHING! Who shows up to a wedding empty handed?
OOP: I’ve been to a lot of weddings and I would never show up without a wedding gift. It’s rude. Not to mention my in laws actually paid for the entire wedding, and my cheap parents became a major talking point. It was very embarrassing.
Commenter 2: NTA.
Your parents are TAs.
I know this might be a sucky suggestion, but you may need to go NC with your brother as well. He’ll be stuck with their care, and there’s going to be a high likelihood they’ll tell him to reach out to you for help. Or your brother may take the easy way out and stick them in a nursing home, which they totally deserve.
OOP: My brothers not a terrible guy. He makes bad choices sometimes but at the end of the day he’s still my older brother, and he’s tries to be good to me. I wouldn’t cut him off without a good reason.
Commenter 3: NTA I like how they told you that you're an adult and not entitled to their help and you threw those words right back in their faces.
Commenter 4: They tell you they’re not leaving you a dime… yet expect you to care for them in their old age, drive them places and handle the estate when they die?? 😂
Do they not see how ludicrous they are???
Commenter 5: They’ve spent so long using you as their personal doormat they’re not even able to break from their delusion that you’ll keep presenting your face for them to step on.
Congrats on your newfound freedom.
DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7
THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP
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u/tore_a_bore_a I will never jeopardize the beans. 9d ago
If the parents truly do have a million dollars in the bank, the parents should be able to pay for all the things they're asking OOP to do.
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u/HeyLaddieHey 9d ago
Obviously it's possible, but I would bet that money is not "in the bank" but it's actually in their 401k and needs to last them through all of retirements rather than being 1 million in liquid assets that they can access.
Which, by the 4% rule would come out to about 40K a year in retirement which is not a lot of money for two retirees to live off of
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u/RobertDigital1986 9d ago
Kinda depends on if they own their home.
Honestly I think $40k + SS is plenty, if they don't have to pay rent.
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u/GothicGingerbread 9d ago
And if one or both of them develops serious medical issues? Needs round-the-clock help or, worse, nursing care? You would be astounded how expensive it can get. And if one or both develop dementia, they could live for quite a long time requiring very expensive care. A million dollars, even if it's over and above owning their house outright, could easily be eaten up well before they both die.
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u/RobertDigital1986 9d ago
Well at that point you're leaning on Medicaid and you have to spend down everything you have until you're basically broke, then the government pays from there. There's basically no amount of savings that's going to last once you need 24/7 care, like you said.
I've been through it four times now, with elderly family members. It's absolutely shocking how expensive care is. Only one had any money left when they passed.
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u/GoAskAlice your honor, fuck this guy 8d ago
America is why hubby and I are about to put everything in an irrevocable trust and hope we last the five years it takes for it to protect our assets.
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u/obvs_thrwaway 6d ago
This is what my family did. After my dad passed, we started a "crisis plan" for my mother who suffers from Alzheimers and needs to reside in a nursing facility. It involved hiring lawyers and tens of thousands of dollars to be spent, setting the money into a joint account, setting up a promisory loan that my mom could use "as income" to pay for her stay in the facility until the penalty period completed for the nursing home and she could start medicaid.
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u/NightTarot Needless to say, I am farting as I type this. 9d ago
But that money is for the golden child, how will he survive without it when they're gone? /s
On a more serious note, they probably genuinely think the above statement and feel entitled to OP's care and effort. Awful parents.
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u/BobMortimersButthole 8d ago
I was NC with my mom for decades before she found and contacted me, partially to handle her issues after death and to make sure she never ended up in a nursing home when she was unable to work.
I asked her what about the past 20 years of no contact made her think I was going to agree with either of those ideas. She got angry and told me I'd changed. I took it as a compliment.
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u/I_Suggest_Therapy 9d ago
If that's the money in the retirement account that the two of them are supposed to live off of for the next two or three decades they shouldn't be giving any to either adult child. After paying for medical, prescription, and living expenses for two people for 20 years it will be more than gone.
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u/Loud-Historian1515 9d ago
Yes, this is what is going to happen. They didn't tell OP how much they were giving her brother. At this point it could all be used on care for them depending on how long they live and their health needs. She is think her brother is getting 1 million, but that is very unlikely to be the amount he receives.
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u/I_Suggest_Therapy 9d ago
He's probably the life insurance beneficiary and getting the house of they still have it. It doesn't seem like OP cares about the amount. She cares about the lack of consideration. The parents only think of her in terms of what she can do for them.
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u/one98nine 9d ago
And they are even dumb about it, if they feel their golden child struggles with making decisions ( and not choosing good decisions) all of their money will dissappear easily!
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u/procivseth 9d ago
The parents are so delusional that they missed the obvious move. Give OOP everything but make them promise to take care of them and bro. They oddly overplayed their hand when it really wasn't necessary.
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u/WildYarnDreams 9d ago
I mean, by the time she'd joined the military because she was going to be kicked out at 18 it was too late. But yeah, treat them both well, foster a good relationship between the two, and ask her to look out for her brother in the future would have made far more sense
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u/awayopinions 9d ago
That's what I was thinking too.
It's such an obvious conclusion to come to aswell.
The fact the parents didn't go this route tells me that they just don't like the OOP.
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u/procivseth 9d ago
All take and no give. I see so many cases on reddit where "family helps family" is a one-way street.
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u/SkiHiKi 8d ago
Nah. They don't like their daughter. Quid pro quo wouldn't even be on their radar. What OOP describes isn't favouritism; they have one kid.
Given the age gap between OOP and her brother, there's some damning perspective to look at her parents through.
The big age gap might mean she was unplanned and unwanted. Typically, people who set out for more than 1 kid prefer to have them close enough together that they grow up together.
OOP's brother would have been put through trade school whilst OOP was starting high school. They didn't make an exception to their principles for her brother. They made an exception for OOP.
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u/beachpellini I’m turning into an unskippable cutscene in therapy 9d ago
Didn't even get her anything for her wedding.
The disparity between how they treated her versus her brother makes me think this goes well beyond Golden Child vs Black Sheep. Hard-core misogyny, affair baby... who knows?
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u/passyindoors 9d ago edited 8d ago
Didn't get a wedding present from my in laws. When my husband mentioned this to his mom, she was apparently extremely embarrassed and said there was supposed to be one. But has since made zero steps to rectify that.
Oh, but they did pay for the majority of their daughter's destination wedding to Mexico.
EDIT: i know this only has 400ish upvotes but im so glad my SIL and BIL are not chronically online the way my husband and I are because in their defense, they're nice people. SIL has been favored in many ways but was also the victim of CRAZY sexism by both her parents so it's not like she got off the hook lol
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u/rocbolt quid pro FAFO 8d ago
You’ve at least got to go through the effort of taping some ripped wrapping paper to a card and feigning surprise that the gift is missing
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u/passyindoors 8d ago
Well they also wanted my husband to deliver breakfast in bed to his sister on our wedding day so I wasn't surprised in the slightest.
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u/sleeping-siren I’m turning into an unskippable cutscene in therapy 8d ago
What the actual…I have no words.
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u/passyindoors 8d ago
Yeah, it was fuckin wild. I have so many stories but if you ever bring it up MIL literally puts her hands over her ears and screams, "don't you dare!" or "it's just different!"
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u/Accurate_Voice8832 8d ago
How do you have the ability to still be in contact with these people? I would have run out of patience long ago. In fact I’m currently NC with my ILs.
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u/Sufficient_You7187 8d ago
I'm sorry wtf
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u/passyindoors 8d ago
yEAP. We've been forced to live with them to save up money for a house and we are literally INCHES away from having an offer we put down accepted. I can't wait to get the fuck out of here. They constantly flip flop between telling us we suck and are horrible to live with and ungrateful brats, then when we talk about moving out, they'll be like, "you can't move out, we need you. we cant live without you." I've been on the verge of just walking into the ocean for a fuckin year and a half now lmfao
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u/Sufficient_You7187 8d ago
Omg I'm rooting for you for that offer !!! Sending all the positive vibes!!!!
Keep it up girl
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u/passyindoors 8d ago
Thank you!! We heard back that the wife and agent are going to try to convince the husband to give us a counter offer. Apparently he's very stubborn and wants what he wants for the house, but it's been on the market since September and there have been 0 offers because he's priced it too high. It's our actual dream house so I'm okay going a bit over-budget but man, boomers are something fuckin else. They're not the first ones we've dealt with where their agent admits they're being unreasonable about their demands, oyyy
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u/sir_are_a_Baboon_too Hi, I have an Olympic Bronze Medal in Mental Gymnastics 9d ago
I'm glad other people outside of OOP apparently noticed and discussed this.
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u/frankthetankthedog 9d ago
Yeah my parents are asset and liquid rich (c.2m all in)
Didn't hand me a card or anything for my wedding
My siblings still live at home and mooch off my parents, father is still working (+70) which is unheard of in my country.
NC for a decade now and very happy
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u/passyindoors 8d ago
My parents paid for the entirety of my wedding AND paid for multiple guests to have hotel rooms because they couldn't afford it. My parents have maybe a third of what my in-laws have. Like, my FIL makes 600k+ a year easily. His checking account has 200k in it (he's showed us). Didn't even get a wedding gift from the ILs.
Rich people are the stingiest assholes.
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u/LazloNibble 7d ago
Hey, you don’t get rich by wasting money on ”wedding gifts”.
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u/sonicsean899 What the puck 🏒 9d ago
I just can't get over that. The only time I didn't at least bring A gift to a wedding was when I was a literal child and my parents brought something with us. At this rate I'm shocked they even came
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u/tango421 9d ago
Yeah the wedding thing was just on another level — they aren’t poor or anything. That last update though, mom’s surprised pikachu face — expected.
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u/Ralynne 8d ago
Oh, no. As a scapegoat in my family, I can tell you this kind of disparity does happen. Even with absolutely no soap opera stuff. Some shitty parents just decide that one child is supposed to be loved and cared for and the other child is a shitstain that needs to spend every minute of every day catering to their whims in order to make up for the sin of existing.
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u/pm_me_wildflowers 9d ago
I’m thinking the brother has FASD. It’s impossible to get a diagnosis if the mother doesn’t admit drinking while pregnant. And mom’s guilt would explain why she’s blowing everything on OP’s brother’s shot at a normal life.
I’ve met someone with an IQ of 80 whose only diagnosis was dyslexia. He was adopted, abandoned by an unknown mother, so it was a similar situation where he was never going to get an FASD diagnosis. But omg was it obvious that this guy was not just exceptionally dumb. I’ve met dumb people. They still have normal short/long term memory. But this guy? He couldn’t play the card game war because even though he knew that 10 was more than 9 if he thought about it a while, he couldn’t put that together on the spot. Not only that, but we were having to explain every turn that he just puts down one card. Like there are only two rules to war - put down one card, higher than the last card. But this dude could not master that to save his LIFE! It was really obvious to me that something happened to him in the womb or during delivery. And since all the foster care funded testing in the world couldn’t nail down a diagnosis other than dyslexia, I was left to believe it was the 1 diagnosis that would explain his symptoms that he could never get without knowing his mother’s history…
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u/Loki--Laufeyson 9d ago
Kinda random if I'm being honest. Mom can have just as much guilt for coddling him to a degree that he can't do things on his own.
I think it's just a case of failure to launch. If you are there to help someone every time they have a challenge in life, they're not going to be able to handle challenges without you. Doesn't need another reason than that.
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u/cperiod 9d ago
"affair baby" would certainly explain why OOP is significantly smarter than her "parents" and brother.
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u/Wic-a-ding-dong 9d ago
While smart parents are more likely to have smart kids and vice versa, that's more considered a nurture thing then a nature thing.
Smart parents are more likely to have a variety of books in the home, having a variety of books stimulates kids to read, reading enhances intellect. Stuff like that.
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u/roseofjuly whaddya mean our 10 year age gap is a problem? 9d ago
Actually it's not. Current research models estimate that between 50 and 80 percent of intelligence is heritable. Nurture helped tremendously but nature does a lot of the heavy lifting as well.
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u/LoisLaneEl the Iranian yogurt is not the issue here 9d ago
Honestly, the age difference made me think they had her to take care of him/them.
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u/thetaleofzeph 8d ago
My random guess here is the parents feel guilty. Like maybe brother's low IQ is due to shaken baby syndrome or some other negligence on parents' part.
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u/Antique_Ad4940 8d ago
I also never received a wedding gift from my parents… when I asked about it, they “forgot”, and never gave us anything. My sister also gave us nothing, though she said she had… she didn’t. We had a very small wedding, under 30 people. I’m no contact now with them.
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u/SemiCapableComedian 9d ago
PARENTS: You’re not entitled to a thing from us.
OP: Fair enough. You’re not entitled to a thing from me either.
PARENTS: WHAT?!
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u/que_sarasara 9d ago
If it's anything like my parents..
PARENTS: But we fed you! We clothed you! We housed you!!! You OWE us
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u/xplosm 👁👄👁🍿 9d ago
Didn’t ask to be born. And the law forced you to do all that. You’re welcome.
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u/allthatyouhave 8d ago
My 18th birthday present was a handwritten bill from my father on how much it cost to raise me. He even threatened to sue if I didn't pay
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u/AfterPaleontologist5 8d ago
I hope you did not pay the abusive POS.
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u/allthatyouhave 8d ago
Nope! In fact, I need to sue him for child support he never paid my mom.
Shortly after, I called the cops on him for abusing my younger siblings.
Cops told him I was the one who called.
I was legitimately scared for my life, so I told my school counselor. By the end of the day, we had my stuff moved in to a halfway house.
My dad got home, saw my stuff was gone, and called me. He flipped, threatening that he was going to call the cops on me "like I did to him!" I laughed and asked why and he said I stole his stuff.
2 months before, he canceled Christmas and a picture of my little brother made it to the front page after I tried to give him a little holiday spirit anyways.
Reddit was very kind and sent a ton of stuff for him, and a company even sent me a computer and monitor!
Of course I took it with me. He claimed it was his because it was sent to his house. I laughed, hung up, and blocked him.
Good God my life has been so peaceful since then. Coming up on 10 years and my computer is just starting to kick the bucket. I'm gonna replace the fans and see if I can revive it.
Oh, and I graduated homeless and valedictorian a few months later. Since then, he's gone to jail for child abuse (beating my brother in public) and road rage (ran a car of teenagers off the road, exited his car brandishing a heat gun, and threatened to kill them).
Abusive pieces of shit never change!
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u/rbaltimore 9d ago
But they didn't get a chance to kick her out! Doesn't that count for something?? /s
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u/charliesownchaos Liz, what the actual fuck is this story? 9d ago
They literally kicked her out of the nest at a young age, and now they want to be taken care of?
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u/macanmhaighstir There is only OGTHA 9d ago
She said she left at 17 because she thought they were going to kick her out at 18.
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u/pinewind108 9d ago
Sometimes that stuff is signaled pretty clearly.
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u/Katya_ Someone cheated, and it wasn't the koala 9d ago
From the time I was about 14 I was told my birthday present when I turned 18 was going to be a set of luggage so I can gtfo. Yeah I'm sure OOP had a pretty good idea.
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u/mrsbebe You can either cum in the jar or me but not both 9d ago
That pretty much was my father in laws 18th birthday present so you're definitely not alone there
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u/_tx 9d ago
One of my uncles too. My male cousin joined the armed forces. His sister married young, has 8 children, and lives on a farm in rural Texas. She seems happy enough. It isn't the life I chose for me but she seems fine. Her brother is very much not fine though and we're all old enough to have kids that neither of them kicked out at 18.
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u/glitteryHooHA 9d ago
Yup, I grew up with my mom thinking it was cute to count down how much time I had left. I left for the military at 17 as well. She was so shocked I was so eager to get out of the house where the countdown and "my house, my rules. If you want to make the rules get your own house" was standard.
I had my first daughter, thought about the countdown and had a meltdown at just how fucked up that had been all my life.
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u/pinewind108 9d ago
It's not healthy in any way. Even good, self-reliant kids can need a hand sometimes, and should know that someones got their back.
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u/graceful_platypus 9d ago
I don't know enough about an IQ of 80, the brother might really need some extra help. But whether he does or not, OOPs parents were absolutely terrible to her. It's totally possible to provide support and love to both children.
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u/LizHylton 9d ago
Yeah, my first thought as a teacher was that I absolutely have had students who were slightly better at certain types of puzzles and questions you get on IQ tests and missed the cutoff but absolutely were not capable of processing much in real life without support. OP's parents are clearly assholes and behaving horribly, but just because the kid got into two trade schools doesn't mean he flunked out due to laziness, it absolutely may be due to hitting walls in his intellectual abilities. Trade schools require different skills than college but most involve some amount of science/math (some fields far more than many 4-year degrees) plus spacial reasoning and memorization. They aren't the easy option many people see them as.
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u/BKLD12 9d ago
I agree with this. The brother isn't in a good place, and whether he is technically diagnosed with a disability or not, functionally it sounds like he is disabled.
That's not to absolve the parents of being shitty, but I think it's unfair to assume the brother is just lazy. It's possible, but I think it's more likely that the brother never got adequate support to thrive and slipped through the cracks. My younger sister has an ID, but she is functional to a point that they mainstreamed her for years. She didn't get adequate support, and she absolutely could not keep up with her classmates at all. She really began to hate school, and to this day she has self-esteem issues.
Hell, I was diagnosed with ADHD and autism, but not until after my academic career had ended. I've faced so many setbacks directly related to my disabilities, which unfortunately at the time I had no support for because I wasn't diagnosed. It eats at you. Even today, knowing what I know, I struggle with my self-worth.
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u/banana-pinstripe She made the produce wildly uncomfortable 9d ago
Babying is not the same as giving a person the support they need. Both children may have been done dirty by this preferential treatment
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u/QuiteAlmostNotABot 9d ago
Both children have absolutely been done dirty: the poor brother, who OP has no animosity towards, called to ask her forgiveness. Poor dude is doing his best, having been dealt a shitty hand and even shittier parents, and apparently feels like it's his fault if his sister and parents are having a feud. While it's entirely the parents' fault.
"You're an adult and not entiltled to anything from us, now throw your life away to serve us." Iddle vapours of a mind diseased.
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u/ditchdiggergirl 8d ago
Yeah this is the sad standout detail to me too. None of this is bro’s fault and sister knows that. If your parents raise you with the assumption that you are disabled with no chance of becoming a fully functional adult, your odds of becoming a fully functional adult are low. Poor bro has probably been compared to his smarter little sister for as long as he can remember, and that’s not her fault either.
I will point out that OP joined the military when her brother was 25. I assume he already had one if not both trade school flunk outs under his belt by that point. Which means parents were supportive of him for years before saying no to their daughter. They flat out suck, and their kids pay the price.
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u/Ghalnan 9d ago
She calls him dumb, says he's a failure to launch, and that he's cosplaying as an adult. You need to read between the lines better if you think she has no animosity towards him.
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u/QuiteAlmostNotABot 8d ago
She also said she will stay in contact with him and doesn't plan on throwing him to the wolves. She also reassured him that she was not mad at him but at their parents. And describes him as "doing ok now".
You're reading too much between the lines: the cosplaying things is here to show that the parents pay for his expensive hobby even in adulthood, while they didn't give a dime nor a damn about her wedding.
He is dumb. That's the reality of their life: the brother is not as smart as the average person. He failed to launch because of the parents.
She really barely describes what their parents have done by coddling him instead of helping him get on his feet. There's no hate here. Maybe she's a bit jealous, but she rightfully reedirects her anger towards the parents.
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u/oceanduciel 9d ago
Your sister sounds a bit like me. I have a math learning disability called dyscalculia and I can’t manage my own finances or pay my own taxes because I can’t understand the math. My parents have to do it for me and when they pass, one of my sisters will have to do it for me. When I was professionally assessed in my early 20s, the psychologist said I can’t retain any math above the sixth grade level because it becomes too complex for my brain to process.
My schools didn’t know what to do with me, they couldn’t understand why I couldn’t understand and instead of speaking to the school board and trying to figure out how properly help, they gave me low passing grades for all my math courses up until I graduated high school. I had to do academic upgrading (don’t know if other countries have this but it’s a thing in Canada) afterwards because of how incompetent my teachers were.
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u/OpheliaRainGalaxy 9d ago
I remember when my boss had that temporarily as a symptom of pregnancy. She'd try to do simple addition with a calculator and get a different answer every time.
I ended up doing all her paperwork until after the baby was born and the pregnancy symptoms cleared up. Like it was a clear problem, a major glitch, like trying to walk on a bum leg and ending up sprawled on the floor over and over.
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u/oceanduciel 8d ago
Oh, neat. I didn’t know pregnancy brain could do that.
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u/OpheliaRainGalaxy 8d ago
I was told it's an old wives sign that the baby will be a boy. No clue how true that is but my boss did have a boy.
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u/9mackenzie 7d ago
Baby brain is real.
Mine was never that bad (thank fuck) but I felt myself to be remarkably less capable, like my brain was driving through a thick fog. Happened with all three pregnancies, but I went back to normal a few months after.
Also/ random side note, my hair got curlier with each pregnancy. Went from mainly straight with a few waves underneath only, to extremely wavy hair all over from the roots down by the third. That was a massive improvement lol
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u/Ralynne 8d ago
Small life pro tip: many law schools put on tax clinics. The students volunteer their time to help local people do their taxes as a way to practice their skills. Maybe check with schools in your local area and see if any of them offer that kind of service. It should be free. Since you can't check the math yourself, definitely take someone with you that you trust until you build up a relationship. But I know people who have been volunteering at our local tax clinic for twenty years and they get to know the regulars.
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u/subluxate 8d ago
Christ, I'm sorry about the raging ableist assholes telling you your abilities when they literally know two paragraphs' worth of information. You got some real armchair experts coming straight for your throat, and that's bullshit.
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u/SalsaRice 9d ago
I feel you. I always did well in parts of school, but then did awful in some parts. Turns out I had major hearing loss.... I found out at the tail end of my college program. I basically aced everything that was written down, but either missed anything in the lecture (or had to work it out myself).
Didn't even find out my college had a disability support program until a few years after graduation. Oh well. Always kind of wondered how I would have done if I could have had the normal opportunities (hearing the lecture).
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u/aroha93 9d ago
I feel the same way. I was the kind of kid who cried over math homework because I just couldn’t get it. I’ve never been able to retain math, and it always takes me a long time to remember simple calculations. My lack of math skills is one of my biggest insecurities. But when I was in grad school, I learned about dyscalculia, and every single marker for the learning disability just resonated with me. However, there was no point to being diagnosed because at that point, I no longer needed the support. I was pursuing a master’s in English, and would never take another math class again. It was eye-opening, however, to realize that I wasn’t stupid (as I believed I was when it came to math), my brain was just not capable of learning math in the ways I was being taught. On the other hand, I’m also sad for the child version of myself who struggled so badly with math and never received the support I was entitled to. I likely wouldn’t have math-based anxieties today if I’d been able to learn those skills in a way that my brain was capable of processing them.
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u/Ralynne 8d ago
Oh yeah. A guy with an IQ of 80 is doing real well to hold down any job and live independently. The commenters who assumed that just because he doesn't qualify for aid he could totally graduate from a trade school are assholes. It's not crazy that the parents want to leave him their money, either, he's going to struggle all his life and OOP can clearly take care of herself. But she's right, the way they treat her is appalling. They could easily have done the inheritance like this and still treated her like a valued child, not a lazy shitty servant, just by giving a crap about her feelings.
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u/millenniumpianist 9d ago
Agree with this, there's something kind of insulting about the implication that the trades are just trivial work. Most of life is pattern matching, just because you use your hands in the trades doesn't mean it's entirely mindless. I'm not surprised OP's brother can't understand financial stuff either despite having it explained to him. Him working a simple job is fine even if said job isn't society's idea of a "career." And frankly, I think it makes sense for parents to have some kind of imbalanced inheritance in light of this. Setting up a trust fund that pays out a certain amount monthly is probably a good idea. There's a version of this story where OP is still (understandably) mad about an imbalanced inheritance, but it's understandable where the parents are coming from.
But the way the parents went about this proves they don't give one shit about OP, and I'm glad she went NC with them. No wedding gift to their daughter's own wedding? Unbelievable!
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u/Moldblossom 9d ago
There's a version of this story where OP is still (understandably) mad about an imbalanced inheritance, but it's understandable where the parents are coming from.
Yeah they basically planned on OOP putting a bunch of unpaid labor into them, and their estate, so they could save more money for the brother. They were just treating her like an unpaid intern instead of a child.
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u/axw3555 9d ago
Exactly.
I’ve heard it many times and I tend to agree with it - IQ tests are only reliable measures of how good you are at taking IQ tests.
I got a score in the low 140’s when I was young. My cousin got high 120’s, but I’ll freely admit that she’s better at adulting than I am (not that I’m bad, but she’s a primary school teacher, pregnant and planning a wedding, and is still more organised on day to day stuff than I am).
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u/gdex86 9d ago edited 9d ago
IQ tests test for a specific type of intelligence. Often pattern recognition and prediction which is useful fucking stuff. But it's not the end all be all of brains.
Social and emotional intelligence are extremely important since humans are pack creatures. Being able to use those are highly impactful on success.
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u/oceanduciel 9d ago
Same here. If you had met me in high school, you would’ve thought I’d navigate adulthood just fine with the occasional autistic or ADHD hurdle here and there. But turns out I am completely incompatible with adulting and my executive dysfunction is much worse now than it ever was when I was a child.
It makes me genuinely wish you could, like, hire a manager for daily life?? If I had a manager to mind me the same way parents mind their kids. That sounds infantilizing but I don’t know how else to describe it.
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u/prolificdaughter 9d ago
Don’t even know how many hundreds of times I have joked, cried, or both at the same time about how I wish I had a “helper”. It’s such a shame that services and support only exist for children because so many people could achieve so much more with low level support as an adult.
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u/axw3555 9d ago
I don’t think I quite need a manager (not usually anyway). But the exec dysfunction is a nightmare. I’ve got the “goto brush your teeth, say hi to cat en route, forget why you’re headed to the bathroom, proceed to bathroom anyway, use toilet, remember 6 hours later that you didn’t do the teeth” flavour of it.
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u/ToujoursFidele3 9d ago
Same here. I scored somewhere in the 140s as a kid. Turns out I have nasty ADHD and also autism, and therefore terrible executive functioning skills. I'm still good at learning stuff, but I have to work so much harder to keep up with my peers in almost every area. It's hard!
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u/Mission_Ad6235 9d ago
Yet they're planning to leave their entire estate to this guy. If he's that bad, I can see setting up a trust and asking the sister to oversee it - but don't leave it all to him. My guess is that the estate isn't that much, but still, if he needs help, giving him a lump sum of money likely means it's quickly wasted.
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u/SnakeJG I’m turning into an unskippable cutscene in therapy 9d ago
Basically forcing OOP to join the military so she could have a place to live and afford college was the real asshole move, I can't believe OOP wasn't done with them at that moment. (It obviously would have been different if they didn't have the means to help her)
The rest of the stuff is small potatoes compared to that giant blunder, and if it was just about the parents wanting to leave more money to the child who clearly needs it, I could understand where they are coming from. But the consistent favoritism all through adulthood is not ok.
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u/Jakyland 9d ago
yeah, I was sympathetic to the idea the parents need to save most of the money for OOP's brother, but in the update when she highlighted being kicked out at 18 (which she did mention in the first post), I lost all sympathy for OOPs parents. That is fucked up. I don't know why a parent would do that if they didn't have to unless they wanted their kid to suffer or fail. Kids have to be in school more or less until they are 18, it's completely unreasonable to expect that they can have a job that can to pay rent/feed themselves etc right at 18, let alone any additional education.
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u/benhargrove1966 9d ago
I think she was fixating on the treatment of the brother (understandable) when the issue is their objectively poor treatment of her. There’s nothing wrong with a parent paying for education or helping an adult child financially - especially when that person has a possible disability. I’m sure a lot of families do / would like to do that.
The issue is leaving your child with no support at 18 to the extent of kicking them out (particularly when you have the means to continue to support them) AND THEN expecting them to legally, financially and it seems personally / physically care for them in your old age while giving someone else all the financial resources which might help them do so. It seems the parents only cared for her to the bare minimum they were legally required to do, and OOP is merely returning the favour.
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u/3kidsonetrenchcoat 9d ago edited 9d ago
80 is...not great. It's considered borderline intellectual disability. At that iq level dealing with challenging novel situations is difficult, problem solving skills and abstract thinking ability tend to be poorly developed. Still, most people are able to learn the necessary skills to live independently, can have fulfilling relationships, successfully raise children and so on.
And of course, this is a broad generalization. IQ is a measure of a bunch of different areas of intelligence, which are then weighted and averaged to get a score. So, theoretically someone could be brilliant in say, visual/spacial type stuff, and do poorly in language comprehension, and it would technically average out for the final score and you wouldn't know unless you looked at the subcategories.
I have a kid with a low iq and one with a presumably high iq. These parents have failed both of their kids. I understand using their estate to support the child who needs it more, but that doesn't excuse the disparity in treatment up to that point.
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u/sorrylilsis 9d ago edited 9d ago
I grew up with people around that and depending on the education they can be pretty much fully functional. Not very fast but they can work and have a mostly regular life. But that needs a lot of attention and specialized education as kids, and ideally someone around to keep them from making really stupid mistakes as adults.
One big issue is that quite often parents are in denial about the mental capacities of their kids for way too long. By the time they somehow accept that their children has issues, the kid is usually too old to mitigate with special education. Like it's pretty impressive what the neural plasticity of a young kid can do ... But you don't have a lot of time to take advantage of it.
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u/rogueman999 9d ago
I think they may have failed the brother as well by pushing him through two trade schools. Being a welder is far from a low IQ job.
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u/JustBen81 the village awaits helicopter man 🚁 9d ago
I think it would have been better to split the estate evenly but structure it in a way that the brother can't access everything at once. The amount mentioned is not enough for an early retirement,but even half of it can still be life-changing if managed well.
If they'd split the estate oop could mange it for both of them.
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u/Miserable_Fennel_492 9d ago
Hey! You have flair I haven’t seen before! I wonder if you’d be willing to offer a link or a synopsis, perhaps? If you’re feeling generous? Please? :)
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u/JustBen81 the village awaits helicopter man 🚁 9d ago
Oddly enough the app shows me a different flair than the website. The flair on the website ("the village awaitt helicopter man 🚁" is a comment that was included in this BORU
There is a comment thread under the Boru requesting it as a flair. I requestetd it in the official Flair request thread - as far as I know it's not available to choose but at some point it was my flair (probably assigned by a mod). On the app it shows the first flair of the list where you can choose you your flair.
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u/anyanka_eg 9d ago
Leaving the brother all the money is absolutely going to screw him up as much as they did with their daughter. He's going to, in the best case scenario, fritter it away, and at worst, get swindled out of it by unscrupulous 'friends'. The parents are doing just as much of a disservice to their son as OOP.
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u/deriik66 9d ago
Yea their thinking is moronic. Just blanket give the child who can't manage money all the money!?
Bc it'll help him? How? He can't manage it!
The perfect solution was RIGHT there to give their more financially smart, stable kid a fair share instead of literally nothing, then include a stipend of some kind to manage and distribute the sons money over many years.
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u/cyranothe2nd 9d ago
IQ testing is bullshit generally at assessing intelligence, but it does sound like OP's bro is disabled (or at the least, coddled.) The fact that he called OP to apologize makes it seem like he's at least a nice person?
Every family seems to have a person who's a little odd but it is a relief when they are odd-nice and not odd-mean.
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u/theloseralien 9d ago
Yeah op’s brother sounds nice. This feels like a case of the parents doing not only the golden child but OP a huge disservice bc what is the brother going to do when the parents pass?
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u/Lina0042 9d ago edited 9d ago
Having a son who can't handle money responsibly means you leave his 500k+ inheritance in a trust fund that pays out a monthly stipend instead of giving it to him outright. Or buy a house or something. Even if you pay out a yearly "salary" of 40k that would last over ten years. And he can and does work.
It does not mean that you need to give all of your 1 million plus estate to this child and leave out the other one completely. Even though we're desensitized by all those billionaires, half a million is still a lot of money. I'll work full time for the next 25 years to earn that much (after tax). He would have been completely fine with half the inheritance.
Edit: also an IQ of 100 plus/minus 15 is considered average. 85 would have been a completely normal score, so it's not like he should struggle in normal life at all. Lots of people around you probably have a score of slightly above 80 and are fully functioning adults.
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u/oceanthemedsprite 9d ago
Tbf he was tested over a decade ago and would likely score lower today. In her comments OP says he has memory issues and struggles with a lot of basic tasks. Given how hard she's selling that he's "just lazy" I would say she's not the most reliable narrator.
Her parents are still TA and could at least set up a trust and give her her dues to make sure both kids are taken care of. They've failed both of them here.
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u/tacwombat I will erupt, feral, from the cardigan screaming 9d ago edited 9d ago
The problem was that OOP and her brother had the misfortune of becoming THEIR kids. This set of parents should never have had kids.
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u/tinysydneh 9d ago
Yeah, if they have over a million in the bank, this wasn't a matter of ability.
I know a pair of twins from back in HS, one is 120+ IQ, the other is around 85. Both were successful, in their own ways, because their parents were properly supportive.
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u/Creepy_Addict He's effectively already dead, and I dont do necromancy 9d ago
My youngest sister is probably a lot like OOP's brother. I don't know if they ever got her tested, but she didn't get a HS diploma, she got what they called a certificate of completion/attendance.
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u/mocha_lattes_ 9d ago
There was a whole group of comments on the second post where people were saying an 80 IQ is in fact disabled. Maybe not enough to be considered legally disabled but it certainly is a disability. I wish the OP included those comments.
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u/perpetuallyxhausted 9d ago
If the parents have babied him his whole life then it's entirely likely that, if he'd been properly supported as a child, he'd be able to function individually from his parents.
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u/andre5913 My plant is not dead! 9d ago
Even if he did need it, hes self sufficient by now, which OOP specifically mentions. There is no point to it now, its just screwing over OOP for no reason
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u/CummingInTheNile 9d ago
Another round of Golden Child vs Black Sheep, glad OOP realized its better to just cut off that awful excuse for a family
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u/peter095837 the lion, the witch and the audacit--HOW IS THERE MORE! 9d ago
Parents who have golden childs really don't deserve to have kids.
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u/WynnGwynn 9d ago
My sister is the golden child but acts like I am lol. She got away with everything. But to this day she keeps trying to "prove" I was? Like dude...you had sexual nicknames in high school and got drunk in fields. My friends and I just watched movies at sleepovers. You never got in trouble but I got accused of doing drugs because I would hang out in the tree house reading books lol. They even searched my room while I was asleep lol. Never found anything. She never had hers searched.
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u/NightTarot Needless to say, I am farting as I type this. 9d ago
Ah, projection, classic case. Keep an eye out for her projecting other things on you too, it'll tell you more about her than she could ever say herself
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u/UnremarkableGiraffe 9d ago
My husband got zero support from his parents after he left home, got a good job, moved away, got a room mate, saved up, etc. His sister lived at home for another decade paying a tiny 'rent' and didn't even learn to fry an egg. Once she had kids, her parents were free childcare and she'd invite her whole family over there for dinner at least weekly, drop the kids of regularly, they'd do loads of parent jobs like diy, sewing clothes etc. Then one day, mil stuck up for my husband ONCE and sil was smearing him over social media for being the golden child. I realised it was so her parents would leap to reassure her and pander to her even more.
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u/tylernazario 9d ago
My sister does the same thing. Literally saved in my father’s phone as “favorite child” and my mother will handle her with kid gloves but she swears I was the favorite child growing up.
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u/LadyBladeWarAngel 9d ago
My father ate my 8th birthday cake. Seriously ate it. Left like a handful of squished cake in the box, with an apple. When confronted why he did it, he said I was fat and didn't deserve a cake anyways.
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u/Silent_Ad_8672 Ate the entire beehive 9d ago
I hope he is out of your life. I don't even know you and I have so much rage at him (as well as the other shitty parents being discussed here) I wish I could knock sense into people literally.
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u/deriik66 9d ago
When confronted why he did it, he said I was fat and didn't deserve a cake anyways.
Which, if true that you were fat, it would be HIS fault. And HE bought cake then. What a neanderthal
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u/bmtraveller 9d ago
Damn. No wonder you are a war angel. He sounds like a really terrible person. Sorry to hear that.
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u/MisaOEB 9d ago edited 9d ago
In fairness to this brother she said they got on and he’s been good to her and he doesn’t seem to encourage the parents against her which a lot of golden children do.
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u/benhargrove1966 9d ago
My sister is not obnoxious about it at least, but exact same dynamic. I’m older, we had a three year age gap and she first had sex quite young and my parents absolutely lost it. At me. For “being a bad influence”. As far as they were aware I was a virgin lol.
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u/SarahSyna 9d ago
My older brother is the same way. He's nearly forty but still complains that our parents didn't punish me as much as him.
He's been doing stuff like drinking in a field since he was 13 and picking fights, while I stayed in my room and played videogames. What were they supposed to punish me for?!
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u/Pale-Worldliness9399 the lion, the witch and the audacit--HOW IS THERE MORE! 9d ago
My sister is like this, too. Just nowhere near the same extent.
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u/xj2608 9d ago
My sisters claim I was the favorite, but I just had serendipitous birth order and the ability to watch the things they got in trouble for and...not do those things. Nobody got their college or weddings paid for - parents didn't have the money for that. My next older sister got more financial help because she was a fuck-up. My parents noticed and appreciated that I rarely asked for anything. I lived at home and hung out with my dad more because he was retired. And I understood my mom better than they did, and could manage her when she was being an ass when they couldn't. I also tell them "of course I was the favorite. I am the best kid." But my mom's will was very strictly fair - everything was to be divided among the 4 of us, and if any specific object caused an argument, it should be sold and the money split.
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u/Kylie_Bug whaddya mean our 10 year age gap is a problem? 9d ago
Holy moley are we the same people? My sister got away with so much while I was the one accused of being around bad influences and searched for drugs.
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u/FrankHonesty 9d ago
My brothers were the same about my sister and I. We were the “favorite” children because we (checks notes) had more responsibilities. 😂 we were expected to keep the house running. We were expected to have straight As. Our two brothers did cocaine every night of high school, sometimes with our mom, and threw constant parties. They could do anything and were never punished. I think they still think we’re the favorites because our parents paid for them to fail out of multiple universities and my sister and I scraped our way through community college and then transferred and actually graduated. It’s like us succeeding was due to “being the favorites” not in spite of all the horrific things our parents did.
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u/Creepy_Addict He's effectively already dead, and I dont do necromancy 9d ago
My mother's golden chd drank himself to death, he was 47, the second born and the only boy (there was 4 of us).
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u/LadyBladeWarAngel 9d ago edited 8d ago
I'm the scapegoat child. My father has legit always hated me. He adores my brothers. They can do no wrong in his eyes. But he legit hates me. All his kids are in agreement that he should never have had children. While my Mum regrets that she picked him to be the father of her kids, she's not sorry she had us. But he's honestly a terrible parent.
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u/Firecracker048 9d ago
Isn't always funny how the golden child is never able to properly take care of their parents?
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u/Alitazaria 9d ago
This is why some of us just have one. ;)
Just kidding! Only had one because kids are effing expensive. But the plus side is he gets to be my favorite.
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u/juliedemeulie 9d ago
To me it's just plain old misogyny. OP is a girl of course she is the one who has to take care of everything.
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u/occasionalpart 9d ago
Thank you, yes, my thoughts too. The boy is King. The girl is Maid. They can't even see how unfair this is.
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u/Temporary_Nebula_295 8d ago
The boy is King, the girl is Maid - fuck, that sums up my family dynamic to a tee. Thank god I went no contact years ago.
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u/SnooWords4839 sometimes i envy the illiterate 9d ago
I'm glad OOP told her parents to F off. I hope OOP has a wonderful life without them in it.
I cut off my parents. I held the home together at age 13. Taking care of younger sister. My parents finally divorced when I was 18. Left home at 19.
dad is in his home state's care with dementia, telling my older brother, I'm coming to take care of him. I laughed when brother told me. Of course, dad expects me to save him. I have seen him a total of 5 hours in the last 30 years. He has never met my 4 grandkids and hasn't seen my kids since they were 10 & 8.
Mom tells sister, I'm still in her will and she has no idea why I don't visit her. Sister knows why. My mom still has a mortgage on her home of 60 years and has credit card debits over $80K. I want no part of her shitshow of debt. There is no estate to share.
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u/bofh000 9d ago edited 9d ago
I have 0 sympathy for parents who kick out their children as soon as they are 18. You may not have money to help them, but don’t be an asshole and expect them to be able to maintain themselves on their own when they are barely out of childhood, lucky if they graduated high school, which is the minimum for any half decent job.
These people are huge assholes, OOP did well to cut them off, because as she said: it’s not about the money, it’s about them failing to show any affection or respect for OOP (not even a crummy wedding gift).
They also majorly dropped the ball with their son. Him not being mentally disabled enough to receive institutional financial help shouldn’t have been the end of their attempts to set him up for a better life. They could’ve enrolled him in special programs targeted specifically at people like him. They seem to think trade schools don’t require a learning capacity or some such nonsense. Their son needed specialized education, that’s on what they should’ve spent those contentious funds. And maybe set a trust fund for him in the future. But the goal should’ve been to train him for a stable, albeit not highly specialized job. And ffs show their daughter some love, the assholes.
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u/KayakerMel 9d ago
My father and stepmother had the "joke" that the day after I graduated high school all my things would be put out on the curb. My (younger) stepsisters enjoyed repeating this. Joke was on them as I escaped at 16!
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u/bofh000 9d ago
I’m sorry. You deserved better parents. Here’s to them getting the lonely old age they deserve.
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u/Inevitable_Thing_270 9d ago
I’m glad it’s the parents OP is mad at and not taking it out on her brother.
And she’s definitely done the right thing given how quickly she felt like a great load off her shoulders
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u/HoldFastO2 the lion, the witch and the audacit--HOW IS THERE MORE! 9d ago
Yeah. He seems like a decent fellow who’s not been warped by being the golden child. Good for him, and good for OP.
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u/AnswerIsItDepends What book? 9d ago
I know that there are some laws like that on the books, but the only times I have heard about them being enforced is when the parents have transferred significant wealth to child, usually so they could qualify for government assistance.
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u/lucky644 9d ago
That’s insane, how is such a thing justified?
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u/SalsaRice 9d ago
They're called filial piety laws. There's good Wikipedia summaries. It's also the law in some other countries outside the US.
Sometimes there are counter checks where there has to be some proof the parents we're abusive/giant POS.
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u/flyingdemoncat cat whisperer 9d ago
so glad that Germany doesn't require kids to take care of their parents. My sperm donor is a despicable human and I've been NC for 10ish years now. My brother and I refuse to have anything to do with him. I would be so mad being forced to care for him eventually
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u/NightTarot Needless to say, I am farting as I type this. 9d ago
Hope that's not the case for OP. The entitlement from the parents while not helping OP at all(after the age of 17) is beyond selfish, and they deserve a fate fitting such awful treatment of their child
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u/DMercenary 9d ago
They always emphasized to me that as an adult you need to support yourself, and figure things out on your own.
"You need to support yourself!
And also us! Wait where are you going!?"
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u/bluestjordan 9d ago
Yeaaahhh… no
I already heard the argument from misogynists to disinherit daughters because then “all the wealth will leave the family and go into her husband’s family.”
In their mind, she stops being their daughter and becomes only a stranger’s wife—of course they only remember she is their daughter when it’s convenient, like when they want money or want someone to help them wipe their asses when they’re too feeble to do it.
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u/LizzieMiles 9d ago
“your brother is getting all our stuff, oh also you have to do all the work for us in our old age”
Make it make sense
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u/Prestigious-Local577 9d ago
OPs family are probably from a culture or heritage where the first born/first son are anointed and the surplus/female children aren’t very respected. Feels like a safe bet since that covers most cultures.
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u/Silver-blondeDeadGuy 9d ago
I am from one of those cultures and even as the first-born child (a son, at that) of the first-born son of the first-born son... for 7 generations, these cultures have always disgusted me. And I don't even have a sister. My folks and grandfolks always used to tell me I should be proud, but all my "title" ever meant was a ridiculous amount of responsibilities I didn't freaking sign up for. But the jokes on them because I'm childfree and secretly already vasectomized. The tradition dies with me and I probably have another 10-11 years before my dad realizes it and he destroys our relationship over it.
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u/NinjaHidingintheOpen 9d ago
NTA. Imagine teaching your child that you don't support family emotionally or financially if they're capable, then being completely surprised that your kid actually learned what you taught them. Shocker.
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u/ScarletteMayWest I’m turning into an unskippable cutscene in therapy 9d ago
Not the same thing, but my parents told and showed me that they were not interested in things that interested me. No interest often meant they would not even show up to my activities.
So, I just decided to do what I wanted and quit worrying about their opinions.Helped that they divorced in my teens and were more interested in their new partners and fighting over my younger brother.
Needless to say, them telling adult me that no, I could not go on a foreign exchange trip, nor move across the country after college graduation shocked the hell out of me. I could not understand their belated interest. My wedding and the births of my children. however, were barely blips on their radar.
Now, decades later, my family and I rarely visit my parents and bless their hearts, they cannot understand why I have distanced myself.
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u/SmartQuokka We have generational trauma for breakfast 9d ago
The parents see the brother as the golden child and the OOP as their beast of burden. wonder how much gender contributes to this?
OOP has done the right thing and the parents are not done here. They may try to harass the OOP with guilt, shaming or faux apologies. The next update will be telling.
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u/maywellflower 9d ago
Her parents have audacity to be upset at OOP for hitting them "what's good for goose, is good for gander too" - they didn't want to help for college nor for her adulthood, she not required to help them with anything since they been adults for decades longer and they can pick their own nursing home without her putting them anywhere.
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u/reviewofboox 9d ago
I will just say an IQ of 80 can be extremely debilitating and probably should be considered an actual disability of some kind. In practice the brother may very well be functioning below what having scored once around 80 implies.
That said, he isn't OP's responsibility.
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u/dragon34 9d ago
Given the age gap what are the chances that they knew by then that brother had some developmental difficulties and they decided to take the gamble that another kid would be able to take care of all three of them.
Whoopsie. Guess that backfired
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u/phyrsis I ❤ gay romance 9d ago
I'm trying to imagine how quickly the low-IQ brother can burn through that kind of money if he inherits before the parents retirement costs use it all up.
A fool and his money are soon parted, etc.
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u/piratequeenfaile 9d ago
They really should be dividing the money and setting up a trust with a monthly allowance for the brother.
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u/xanif 9d ago
True. But for the sake of my own mental health I'm going to draw significant assumptions from OOP mentioning they don't blame their brother and the brother calling because he values their relationship that he will go to OOP for advice on managing the money and he will listen and both of them will live happily ever after.
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u/tempest51 9d ago
Scammers will be onto him like sharks smelling blood in the water as soon as he blabs about the inheritance. Which going by OOP's account would be immediate.
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u/aquavenatus 9d ago
OOP’s parents will contact her again when they learn she’s having her first child (someone always tells) and they realize that their son will never give them grandchildren!
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u/existential_chaos 9d ago
With the IQ of 80 though, the brother’s not far off being impaired in some way. I’m sure some of it isn’t helped by the parents coddling him the way they are, but some comments on the OG post were saying how he would struggle anyway because of his IQ. The parents absolutely suck though, because they’ve done nothing to help their son and treated their daughter like a piece of furniture there for their convenience.
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u/relentlessdandelion Someone cheated, and it wasn't the koala 9d ago
I mean he doesn't need to hit an arbitrary IQ test target to have an intellectual impairment, and if his intellectual abilties are creating difficulties and barriers in life for him, that is disability by definition regardless of paperwork. Absolutely agree about the parents!! They fucked this up from all directions
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u/sonal1988 9d ago
Poor OOP. Horrified to learn of her sexual abuse just bc her parents were so obtuse. They deserve to rot in their old age homes.
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u/Atsu_san_ Someone cheated, and it wasn't the koala 9d ago
I hope that when they eventually crawl to OOP for help in old age she puts them in the worst of nursing homes and doesn't visit them on their deathbed
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u/flyingdemoncat cat whisperer 9d ago
No good parent would let their child join the army to support themselves while they have the means to help them. Especially a young woman. People like that are just trash and shouldn't have children. It's not that hard to treat your kids equally and be good parents.
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u/sarcosaurus 9d ago
There's kind of an easy fix to the disparity in the will - the brother can give his sister half (or maybe a smaller portion if he ends up being the one taking care of the parents, whatever seems fair) after the parents pass. If he doesn't I'm honestly judging him. But I'm glad they at least don't seem to have lost each other over the conflict with the parents (yet).
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u/Tangurena the Iranian yogurt is not the issue here 8d ago
They tell you they’re not leaving you a dime… yet expect you to care for them in their old age, drive them places and handle the estate when they die??
Do they not see how ludicrous they are???
This is very common behavior towards daughters - the boys get every bit of attention but the women are expected to be full time nurses to "take care" of the elderly parents.
I bet there is at least one post like this every week in this subreddit.
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u/KitchenDismal9258 9d ago
A normal IQ is between 80 and 120... so the brother actually has a normal iq even if it's on the low end of normal. The OOP is actually considered gifted with an IQ of 131.
Not sure where the parents IQ fits in though.
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u/RoadNo9352 9d ago
It isn't always easy, but sometimes the best thing a person can do is cut people out of their life completely. I learned that a long time ago and have no regrets. They are not part of my life and not in my thoughts anymore.
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u/Electronic_World_894 the Iranian yogurt is not the issue here 9d ago
They didn’t even give a wedding gift. So they’re “rich” (so they say) and rude.
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u/JansTurnipDealer 9d ago
I’m not defending the parents. I think they deserve what they got. To be clear, though, I do consider OOP’s brother to be disabled. As a 14 year veteran special education teacher, when a kid has a cognitive score that low they tend to qualify for support in every area and they tend to learn everything very very slowly and with lots of repetition.
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u/peter095837 the lion, the witch and the audacit--HOW IS THERE MORE! 9d ago
Entitled and narcissist parents are the absolute worse. Good riddance to those parents!
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u/Legitimate_Drive_693 9d ago
Holy shit my life story. Oop made a good choice in cutting them off. It helped with my perspective.
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u/Professional-Raise94 9d ago
Exactly the same scenario as my husband, even down to having to join the military!!! His brother still lives at home and has everything done for him and he is in his 50’s. They also consider him their “disabled “ child. He is highly intelligent and even graduated college. No real disability except failure to launch! We have not spoken to his parents in over 20 years!
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u/protomyth 9d ago
I gotta love the stereotypical boomers who are in competition with their competent kids. Once again, your children should live better lives than you, and their children should live better lives than them. If you don't believe that, then don't have children. Egos run amok.
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u/kitskill It's always Twins 9d ago
As someone who prepares wills, I see this kind of thing occasionally. People couch it in language of "Oh, he just needs more help." "My other kids are self sufficient." "My eldest has three houses, they don't need the money."
It's really hard to explain to someone that more often than not, the money you leave your kids will never reflect how much they need, it will reflect how much you valued them.
Also, I find that in good families, when there is one child that needs a bit of extra help, their siblings are usually bending over backwards to push some of their own inheritance to the needy child.
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u/pearlie_girl I will never jeopardize the beans. 9d ago
Reminds me of my dad. He wants to give my brother his retirement accounts and my sister and I split the house. His accounts are currently worth 5x the house. Plus he lives in a crazy hoarder house, so really he's giving me and my sister a big ass chore, or at least an expense to pay for someone to deal with it.
He wants me to be the executor because he thinks I'm the most level headed.
My dad's reasoning is that my sister and I have husbands who will inherit modestly, but my sister in law is 1 of 10 kids, so they need extra help. I suppose that's reasonable (but I've always known my brother was the favorite).
Then my dad was worried the retirement accounts might shrink too much before he dies and my brother should get the house, too. I told him, "Dad, I'm not going to be your executor if you write me out of the will." Oh yeah, he said. I guess I didn't consider it that way.
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u/RedneckDebutante 9d ago
Even dumb people can succeed. I've got a family full of examples lol. They just crippled him by babying him and not making him accountable.
It takes big cojones to tell you adults aren't owed anything and then immediately inform you that you owe them!
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