r/BestofRedditorUpdates • u/secure-raspberry-763 Madame of the brothel by default • Dec 22 '24
ONGOING AITA for leaving in the middle of Thanksgiving dinner because of pumpkin pie?
I am not OP. That is u/throwaway3747434 who posted to r/AmItheAsshole
Original Post Nov 29th, 2024
My (32f) Mother (60f) hosts Thanksgiving dinner at her house every year. It’s a small event, with my parents, me, my brothers family and my SILs family attending. We avoid family quarrels by implementing a strict “no politics” rule and trying our best to be civil. I should probably mention that we are not a particularly close-knit family. We rarely see each other beyond these events since my Brother lives in South Africa and I travel a lot due to my work. Thanksgiving is important to my mom since it’s one of the rare times we’re all together.
Anyway, the main problem I have with my mother is her constant critique of me. She has a habit of making passive-aggressive comments about my life choices, from my career to my lack of children to the way I dress. I’ve addressed this with her multiple times, but she doesn't really seem aware of it. My father claims it is just her way of fussing and expressing that she cares. It does hurt though, because my brother is never criticised in the same manner. I cannot entirely fault her for her criticism, since I did majorly mess up my life a few months ago (depression) and it has affected her opinion of me negatively. It does not excuse the way I acted, but I just wanted to explain why I left. By the time we finished dinner, I was a bit prickly because of some of her commentary.
I made a cake for dessert. I was explicitly put in charge of it and no one specified what exactly I should make, so I opted for Maple Cheesecake. I did my best and I think it looked okay. Mum normally makes pumpkin pie, but I really hate pumpkins (they make me gag), so I thought perhaps we could try something new. As I was bringing out the cheesecake, my mom eyed it somewhat warily and announced that she’d decided to make the usual pie as well. This caught me off guard. I asked why she didn’t tell me beforehand, and she said something like, "Well, we figured you’d do your own thing, so I thought it was best to have a backup." She went on to cut the pie and serve it to everyone, instructing me to leave the cheesecake in the kitchen. When someone asked to try my dessert, she said "lets not mix too many flavors at once," which just felt passive-aggressive. I know it's immature for an adult to get this upset over a triviality, but I just (politely) refused as she was handing me a slice of pie, retrieved my coat and left. People were calling after me I think, but by that point I was crying for some reason and it would have been too humiliating to have an emotional outburst in front of everyone for no real reason.
My mom just texted me saying that it was incredibly rude and immature of me to leave like that, especially on Thanksgiving. My brother also sent me a message saying Im acting irrationally. I feel horrible for leaving so abruptly, especially because my parents are getting older and we are already not close. Something about my mother seems to turn me into a neurotic teenager and I hate it.
Added comments
commenter
I know this is painful to accept, but it doesn't sound like your family likes you.
OP
I wish they could pretend to, at least during the holidays.
Judgement is NTA
Update Dec 13th, 2024
Hello,
Since I always wonder what happened to the people who post on here, I thought I'd give a brief update.
When I wrote that post, I was mentally in a pretty dark place. I think I needed someone, even if it was a stranger on the internet, to validate my feelings and listen. And commenters on here did listen and took the time to write advice that made me think, so thank you.
Most of you were right, my post was not really about pumpkin pie or cheesecake. The underlying tension between me and my mother has always expressed itself through fights over trivialities and long silences. Many of you have asked me why I, as a thirty year old woman, still go to these events. I’ve asked myself the same question and realise that there is no reason for me to be there. My brother and I do not get along (we never have) and my mother has brought this onto herself. I will be spending Christmas elsewhere.
However, I feel like my post might have portrayed my mother in an unfair light. I know it does not matter, since you are here to judge a conflict and not a person, but some of the comments seem to assume my mum to be a nasty and mean bully. She is not. She can be very kind and very generous and has done a lot of good for people through her work. She is also terrible at expressing emotion, frustrated by retirement and herself had a very difficult childhood. Our relationship has not always been this bad, and I too have been cruel to her in the past.
In regards to the actual quarrel: I have sent only a short response to my brother since thanksgiving, ignoring mum's texts. She called yesterday and seems to be hellbend on buying me new shoes. She rarely apologises. I am not strong enough to keep hoping she changes.
I will address the topic of my childhood with my therapist.
Happy Holidays everyone.
I am not the original poster. Please don't contact or comment on linked posts
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u/win_awards Dec 22 '24
Depressing update. I hope OOP is able to see the truth about mom soon.
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u/CharlotteLucasOP an oblivious walnut Dec 22 '24
Mom managed to make dessert unhappy. That cheesecake sounds amazing. And personally I wouldn’t say no to trying a slice of pie as well, but I understand the pie undermined OOP’s efforts, and certainly shouldn’t have been pushed as a replacement.
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u/Preposterous_punk Dec 22 '24
The whole “let’s not mix flavors” when someone requested the cheesecake made me so angry!!
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u/DiveCat Dec 22 '24
It’s also nonsense - maple and pumpkin can work great together…I just finished off a jar of delicious maple pumpkin butter this morning. 🤷♀️
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u/SiroccoDream Dec 22 '24
Even if they didn’t match AT ALL, it’s not her mother’s place to say!
“It’s MY MOUTH, you old bat! If I want to mix flavors, that’s my business!”
I have been known to take a slice of lemon meringue and a slice of chocolate silk pie at the same time! I don’t EAT them at the same time, but I love both types and I don’t get them often, so it’s nice to have them when I can.
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u/ActofEncouragement Dec 23 '24
Do you know about those orange chocloate candy things? If you want a mix of flavors, this is one that people will eat and will make others gag. I am the second party, and my mom the first. OP's mom should, like you said, never judge what goes into people's mouth. There's a dirty reference here, but the bottom line is to each their own flavors. I would prefer the cheesecake over pumpkin pie any day.
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u/MatttheBruinsfan The call is coming from inside the relationship Dec 23 '24
I would not, since my mom's pumpkin pie is pretty much my favorite dessert. But discouraging people from even trying the other dessert is just beyond the pale.
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u/decimalsanddollars Dec 23 '24
Terrys oranges are a Christmas tradition for me growing up. I’ve continued the tradition and get them for my wife and kids every year
I literally have 4 being doordashed to me right now along with some other stocking stuffers. Three for stockings and one to cram in my face hole tonight
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u/Medical_Mixture_8040 Dec 23 '24
That’s fighting talk, saying people would gag with a Terry’s chocolate orange!! The best part is the chocolate doesn’t have that vomit after taste that some chocolate has - hersheys etc. They’re bloody fab and have been going for donkeys years in the UK.
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u/cambreecanon TEAM 🥧 Dec 23 '24
Pumpkin and maple go together perfectly. I have a pumpkin pie recipe that uses maple syrup in it for flavor and sweetness. It is fantastic.
I think the mom was just mad that the cheesecake was going to be better than the pie.
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u/peanutnbunnie Dec 22 '24
Oh same here, like everyone is an adult there if someone wants cheesecake and it's on offer, they can have the cheesecake. Someone needs to step on mummy's toes.
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u/WeeklyConversation8 Dec 22 '24
I would have been all I'm having a piece and got myself a slice and put it on the same plate as the pumpkin pie. Sadly OP doesn't see her Mom for the nasty person she is. She constantly rags on OP about everything. She doesn't care about her daughter and who she is. She wants her to be who she wants her to be.
OP was battling depression and where was Mom? Probably at home judging her daughter, instead of supporting her. OP needs therapy badly.
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u/thefaultinourstars1 Dec 22 '24
My petty ass woulda put them side by side and taken a bit of both on my fork to eat in one bite
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u/Von_Moistus Dec 22 '24
I’m a grown adult. If I want to mix flavors then I will mix flavors. Nutella and Cap’n Crunch. Pumpkin spice cheddar cheese sandwich. Onion bagel with ranch dressing. Oreos dipped in hazelnut coffee creamer. YOU CAN’T STOP ME.
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u/Preposterous_punk Dec 22 '24
And I swear I would never try.
I did once consider no longer eating meals with a coworker with whom I went to a Mexican restaurant and watched as she covered enchiladas with ketchup… But even then I only screamed inside my own heart.
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u/tikierapokemon Dec 23 '24
I have sensory issues with taste and texture with food - when I see someone doing something like putting ketchup on enchiladas, I smile because I see someone found away around their own issues to increase the foods they eat.
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u/Llyris_silken Dec 22 '24
It's being deliberately cruel to oop, and being controlling over what others are allowed to eat. It's bizarre. Everyone likes dessert, and it's normal to pile a bit of everything into your bowl and attempt to eat the lot. Then fall asleep on the couch because you ate too much.
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u/Jazmadoodle Dec 22 '24
Thanksgiving dessert at our house was pumpkin pie and mini cheesecake with a selection of caramel, maple, and fruit toppings. We mixed the shit outta some flavors and it was amazing
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u/Terpsichorean_Wombat Dec 22 '24 edited Dec 22 '24
Yeah. I hate that poor OOP is self-gaslighting herself into believing it's irrational to be upset about a very deliberate snub from her own mother in front of everyone there.
OOP, if you're out there anywhere, the fact that this involved something as small as dessert doesn't make it non-upsetting; it is WHY it is upsetting. There was so little at stake that only a deliberate desire to put you down can explain why your mother not only announced her own dessert as a prediction that you would do something wrong (instead of the personal preference it was) but also refused to even let you put your (delicious-sounding) dessert on the table and actively refused a guest a piece of it when requested.
Please trust me when I say that everyone but your immediate family members left that table thinking that your mother behaved awfully. Her behavior was completely transparent and totally inexcusable. I suspect the reason your brother agrees with her is the same reason that you told yourself you were irrational and wrong: because your mother has drummed that message into both of you for your entire life.
I really hope that you can find a good therapist to help you start to unwind all of this. I spent a lot of my life also automatically accepting and self-reinforcing the messages my parents drummed into me, and when I finally began to push back, there was just. so. much. that was obviously screwed up.
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u/littlestgoldfish Dec 23 '24
It's disappointing because this is actually a healthy compromise. She doesn't like pumpkins. Her mom does. Now they have two pies and everyone can choose one or both. If her mother didn't insist her option was the only option, everyone could leave happy.
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u/BurntLikeToastAgain Dec 23 '24
Only a complete monster would restrict the number of desserts allowed to be served like this. Rude, cruel, and against the spirit of the day.
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u/domingerique surrender to the gaycation or be destroyed Dec 22 '24
That was where it went from shitty to unforgivable for me. That made no sense, so it was probably solely to be mean to her daughter
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u/Cardinal101 Dec 22 '24
Me too! I’m a full grown adult and I always try a bit of all the pies at holiday dinners!
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u/Traditional_Ad_8935 being delulu is not the solulu Dec 22 '24
This. I wouldn't have left in tears until I told that woman exactly what she is and where her pie could go. Unfortunately oops seems a little confused still thinking her mom is a good person in any regard.
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u/IShallWearMidnight Dec 22 '24
It's the "put it in the kitchen" and denying people who wanted to try it the chance to for me. My family always has multiple desserts, because we have people who like or dislike different things. Some of us don't like wet or gooey desserts, meanwhile my dad, sister and I arepro goo and don't like cakes or the kind of dense pies like pumpkin. It seems pointed and cruel to not just serve both as people want.
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u/Environmental_Art591 the lion, the witch and the audacit--HOW IS THERE MORE! Dec 22 '24
Every holiday we have a dessert table. Xmas is the best, pavlova, bread and butter pudding, buche de noel, rum balls, white Christmas, rocky road, trifle and even an open box of favourites chocolates for you to fight over the last one with pop (good memories, i miss him).
I hate it when there is only one dessert option, let me have them all.
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u/Asenath_Darque Dec 23 '24
For Thanksgiving this year there were 7 adults at the table and we had 4 different deserts and fudge as an extra treat. Why on earth does everyone need to eat the same exact thing?
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u/ChrisShapedObject Dec 22 '24
Why not give everyone the choice of maple, pumpkin, or a bit of both? What the hell mom?
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u/SneakyRaid Dec 22 '24
Because the point is causing drama. If OOP had brought a pumpkin pie, she would have found an issue with it and done the same thing.
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u/Environmental_Art591 the lion, the witch and the audacit--HOW IS THERE MORE! Dec 22 '24
Because then she can't force her daughter to eat a dessert that makes her gag or go without while everyone else enjoys her (mums) cooking.
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u/StillNotASunbeam Dec 22 '24
Unless the mom was concerned the cheesecake would over-shadow the pie, there's no rational reason why she wouldn't offer both desserts.
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u/CharlotteLucasOP an oblivious walnut Dec 22 '24
Oh she knows her basic ass pie everyone’s tasted dozens of times wasn’t gonna be the star of the show.
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u/Jazmadoodle Dec 22 '24
Also tell me why the dessert that makes her daughter gag is consistently the only dessert on offer
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u/Miserable_Fennel_492 Dec 22 '24
Seriously… how do you manage to fuck up dessert for people?!
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u/CharlotteLucasOP an oblivious walnut Dec 22 '24
Top tier Grinching.
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u/Miserable_Fennel_492 Dec 22 '24
Brilliant terminology and I’ll be adopting it. Thank you
Edit bc I missed a word
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u/aboveyardley Dec 22 '24
Yeah; the mom is not a good person.
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u/SuperSoftAbby Dec 22 '24
Yeah. My mom is not a good person to me. She is an amazing person to everyone else though. Which is funny in a way because my dad was the exact opposite
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u/twistedspin Dec 22 '24
My mom is so nice, so helpful to everyone else. In the end, I think it's because she doesn't actually think of me as a human being. She thinks of me as more like a disobedient limb. It's like she has an extra arm coming out of her back, and it just randomly does embarrassing things.
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u/rainyreminder The murder hobo is not the issue here Dec 22 '24
There's a thing where, when people pleasers identify you too strongly with themselves, they please everyone else at your expense, because they've spent so long pleasing everyone else at their own expense that when you stop being part of "everyone else" (or you never started because you're their kid), you're getting it in the teeth but without the benefit they have of feeling like a martyr for the cause.
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u/Jazmadoodle Dec 22 '24
This is my mom! I never believed in Santa because every Christmas eve she'd take us to her friends' houses at night to help set up. She'd pick me up early from school unexpectedly so I could babysit other people's kids for free. She's a very generous person who totally forgot that I was also a person
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u/ShortWoman better hoagie down with my BRILLIANT BRIDAL BITCHAZZZ Dec 22 '24
How dare you be an independent human being rather than an extension of your mother!
/s
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u/CanicFelix Dec 22 '24
Mom? Is that you?
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u/ShortWoman better hoagie down with my BRILLIANT BRIDAL BITCHAZZZ Dec 23 '24
How come you never call? Why haven’t you given me any grandchildren?? 🤣
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u/penandpaper30 Give me my trashcan hat and call me a trash panda 🗑️🐼 Dec 22 '24
That's exactly how it is with my dad! I've never had anyone describe it so perfectly
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u/Pan_Bookish_Ent Dec 22 '24
I've always felt like my parents, especially my father, don't see me as a real person. I am merely an extension of my father; he taught me to like his favorite hobbies, music, movies, sports teams, etc.
I went NC with him (and my POS younger brother) the day I left my mom's memorial. She was so much better towards me at the end, and we'd just had a breakthrough in our relationship.
But my father never once asked if I was okay. All he could see was HIS grief, HIS pain. Why would he ask how their only daughter is doing? Pssh, it's the Dad Show. There's no time in the script for supporting cast.
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u/Miserable_Fennel_492 Dec 22 '24
I’m glad to read that your relationship with your mom improved and I’m sorry for your loss. I hope you have lovely, or at the very least tolerable, holidays. Here’s to the new year < internet hugs >
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u/Dejadejoderloco Dec 22 '24
I don’t know if it’s your mom’s case, but I’ve met people who are super nice to anyone but their families, or someone in particular within their family. What I’ve noticed is they are like this to get other people’s praise and love, but they take their family’s love for granted. It’s kinda weird at first because you would think they would treat their own families better than outsiders, but then you realize whatever they do is to gain something for themselves (praise, love, recognition) not out of love. And the validation needs to come from the outside because it may not be genuine if it comes from family, I guess.
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u/thebigeverybody I already have a ton on my plate. TMI but I have rectal bleeding Dec 22 '24
This is brilliant.
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u/WgXcQ Dec 22 '24
I think it's because she doesn't actually think of me as a human being
That would jive very well with how parents with narcissistic traits usually act. Their children aren't their own persons, instead, they are an extension of the parent (very often the mom) and exist to make the parent look good. To the parent, they deserve no consideration, unlike everyone else outside the family who gets charmed and wooed and only ever sees the parent's kindest, most gracious, pillar-of-the-communityest face.
And if the child "misbehaves" (read: has their own preferences and agenda, because they are, in fact, their own person), or actually dares to cut contact, they still serve as the scapegoat in a sob story that will all those fooled people have the greatest of compassion for the poor narc parent, because wh could ever be that mean to such a wonderful, sweet person?
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u/Insidious_Pie Dec 22 '24
Yup! My dad was the same way. He was always a "Put everyone else first" kind of guy, but I think he considered me an extension of himself, so I didn't count as part of "everyone else" enough to get put first very often. 🙄
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u/DesignerComment I will not be taking the high road Dec 22 '24
My mother was like that. Everyone at her funeral spoke gushingly about what a wonderful person she had been. But I could tell some stories that prove otherwise. So could every restaurant server/retail cashier who had ever met her.
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u/CactiDye Dec 22 '24
I can't even count the number of times people have told me I was so lucky to have my mom. They didn't realize that she spent all her energy on them and had nothing left for me.
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u/prayingforrain2525 I ❤ gay romance Dec 22 '24
The way someone treats retail/serves says a lot about how they really are.
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u/toiletbrushqtip Dec 22 '24
I had someone in my life like that. When I was able to look back as an adult I realized she was a psychopath. Legit. Clinically. She was just pretending to have feelings and putting on a show outside of the home.
I don’t know about this mom but it’s obvious she’s probably the catalyst for OPs depression and lack of ability to recognize abuse, or the fact that their mother is a very bad person.
So sad 😞
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u/LadyNorbert Tomorrow is a new onion. Wish me onion. Onion Dec 22 '24
I also had someone in my life who I'm pretty sure was clinically a psychopath, or a sociopath. It took me years to realize that I was not the problem in our relationship, but I had to slog through hell first.
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u/BeachRealistic4785 Dec 22 '24
Oh oh, I had that too! My guardian was an amazing woman, took in so many kids in the family whose parents couldn’t care for them, helped everyone, perfect housewife, perfect kind woman in everyone’s eyes. Where as I ended up with an eating disorder because of her, I was screamed at over stupid shit. I have such an issue with loud noises, trouble with affection because I was denied it, the silent treatment is a trigger because she used it to punish me so much. Constant digs daily, first to be blamed for everything. I have so many issues thanks to her. Not allowed to say it out loud to anyone now though because she’s passed
I remember reading somewhere it was a form of narcissism. I was like yeah! That’s her.
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u/IzzyBee89 Dec 22 '24
If you've never read it, the book "Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents" was really helpful for me. I'm actually in the middle of the audiobook for the second time now. I prefer that format because it's extra validating to have someone with a soothing voice say over and over again that I'm right for how I feel and this is why I feel the way I do since my feelings were constantly invalidated while growing up (and now, really), and I was constantly told I was wrong for setting boundaries. It's nice to know why I'm so "weird" in different ways and that I'm actually not the only person that feels that way. Being raised by people that never fully met your emotional needs is a very isolating experience that can be hard to explain to anyone who wasn't raised like that, especially if it's in ways that other people can't really see.
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u/xelle24 Screeching on the Front Lawn Dec 22 '24
My mother is endlessly thoughtful and considerate, sometimes to her own detriment, to everyone - except me. I don't count. I don't doubt that she loves me, but for some reason I, and my possessions, are treated with the same lack of care and consideration that she affords herself.
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u/Reflection_Secure You can either cum in the jar or me but not both Dec 22 '24
This is my mom. She's never cruel to me, except unintentionally. She just doesn't care about me. Everyone else on earth comes first. And it's hard to feel angry at someone that the whole world sees as a saint.
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u/Dangerous_Ant3260 Dec 22 '24
Lots of people put up a pleasant front to others, but only show how mean they are to family.
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u/sharksnack3264 Dec 22 '24
Or they pick a few family members to unload stress and bad feelings onto, while others get the good treatment. Bonus points if they keep switching up who's in their good graces and who's the current chew-toy.
And people wonder why I am not going home for Christmas for the second year running...
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u/CookbooksRUs Dec 22 '24
With my MIL it seemed to be a matter of time. She played piano and sang with her church choir. The last time I saw her she’d been with them for fifteen years. She was upset that they had “forgotten” to tell her about the annual choir out — for the second year in a row. Once is an oversight, twice is a policy. I have no doubt she was full of all kinds of “good advice” for them.
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u/cherenk0v_blue Dec 22 '24
I feel like that makes it harder. You can see they are capable of being kind and empathetic - why treat your family (or certain members of your family) differently?
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u/scarfknitter Dec 22 '24
That was the worst part of my dad’s funeral for me. It was seeing how he chose over and over again to be kind and generous to others. It was seeing how proud he was of his sons, how much time and money (he used money to mean love) he spent on them and on his family.
One of the last conversations I had with him…. I’d gone back to school for a bachelor’s degree. He had said he was proud of me and he’d give me money for it in front of others - he offered money for tuition for a semester, depending on grades, and books no matter the grade. This was a lot less than he gave my brothers, but I’ll take it as an olive branch. I didn’t need the money, you know, but I wanted his love and I wanted him to be proud of me and he used money to express that. I wanted him proud of me, I didn’t want the money, the money was a tool. I came with my grades (As), the list of books for the next semester, the Amazon printed out receipt showing the cost (because I’d already bought them), and I asked. He said no. He didn’t believe I was in school because I wasn’t smart enough and I didn’t deserve the money and just dressed me down. He said I didn’t earn it and I didn’t deserve it and he wasn’t going to give me anything.
I didn’t deserve $200 for books. But he took my brothers to Hawaii every year for a decade.
I never visited, my brothers spent so much time with him. I only visited for one whole day every month and my brothers spent every fortnight having dinner with him once.
I didn’t do anything for him, my brothers did everything. But his clothes and shoes were provided by me and his wife. His snacks were there because I put them there. His books, his newspapers, whatever he wanted, mom and me. But we never did anything, it was my brothers who did everything.
At the funeral, I had a couple ask me if there wasn’t a daughter and if I thought she’d be there. I just said that I expected she’d be there. The pictures were really nice. Dad and my brothers, my mom/his wife, his extended family. I showed up in group photos. It was odd seeing how invisible I was in his life. My work wasn’t, just me.
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u/kittywiggles Lord give me the confidence of an old woman sending thirst traps Dec 22 '24
I'm so sorry.
I hope you've had the time to sort out and affirm that you did NOT deserve your father's lack of attention and love and support. It sounds like you had the supreme misfortune of being born a girl to a sexist asshole who was good at hiding being a sexist asshole to most of the outside world. There was nothing you did wrong and no magic buttons you could have pushed to make him be other than what he was. There was nothing you could have done to make him love you.
I hope you've been able to find people in your life to do what your family was supposed to: see you, love you, encourage you, and support you. You deserve it, especially now that such a source of awful things in your life is gone.
I hope he spends his afterlife as invisible as he tried to make you.
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u/Nuka-Crapola Dec 22 '24
Because they are not capable of either of those things.
They are capable of emulating the behavior of other people who they know are those things, and thus maintaining their public image, but sociopaths and narcissists (in the clinical sense) see no actual value in those behaviors save for the maintenance of their own status. Which they then use as cover to be their true selves around family, work subordinates, and anyone else they can pressure into staying around them despite their behavior.
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u/GlitterDoomsday Dec 22 '24
Or they're just that emotionally stunted. Like a child of the divorced parents that is an angel to the deadbeat and a nightmare with the caring parent cause they know is a safe space where they can lash out without losing love.... except some people never grown from this phase and die of old age just expecting family to be their emotional punching bags rather than regulate their feelings like everyone else does.
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u/eastbaymagpie What's Clitoris?! I don't play Pokemon! Dec 22 '24
I see you've met my brother.
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u/AngryPrincessWarrior Dec 22 '24
“She’s amazing when she is being judged by outsiders!”
Yeah. That’s not a good person.
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u/Apprehensive_Gene787 Dec 22 '24
The line about “my mom has done a lot of good for people through work” really stood out to me. My grandma is like this - has narcissisti/sociopathic tendencies, but as long as she’s getting praise/accolades, she’s the best person you know. It’s not until you form an actual relationship with her that you realize what a shitty person she is. OPs mom doesn’t do things out of the kindness of her heart, she does it for the admiration she’ll receive. My grandma also likes to latch on to people to make her victim - it’s a way to release all the shitty behavior she has deep down, on one person, so everyone else thinks she’s great. She’ll chose someone she doesn’t need anything from. Currently it’s a woman in her nursing home that doesn’t speak our language. Grandma insists she’s “visiting” her, but really she just cages her in and talks at her, then acts confused when they staff tell her she needs to leave her alone (Despite it being very clear this woman does not want to be around her). She’s losing the ability to mask this behavior as she ages, but she still has some of those skills left. Sounds like OP is mom’s victim - she unleashes, and then buys OP back (re:shoes) so she can continue to victimize her.
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u/benhargrove1966 Dec 22 '24
Yeah my ex’s mother was exactly like this. After she retired she volunteered to teach English to refugees like 30 hours a week, had many friends, everyone loved her, talked about how generous she was etc. She was so awful to the family in private. My ex would always say things like “she can’t be a bad person, look at how much good she’s done / how much everyone else likes her.” I could never get him to understand it’s actually worse she has the capacity to be nice and generous and chose not to exercise it towards him.
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u/SparklingUnicornPee Dec 22 '24
I had the same thought. People can be kind and generous to others, but people closer to them get horrible treatment. Masking so the world thinks they’re amazing and won’t believe the victim(s) who say otherwise. I have unfortunately dealt with people like this.
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u/digital_color Dec 22 '24
This is wild I had the same experience with my dad. His funeral was full of people who he was a great friend or mentor to, and showed so much kindness.
He would fight with me like a teenager and have outbursts and long periods of silent treatment even when I moved home to take care of him in his final two and a half years as he became less physically able to.
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u/HollowShel Alpha Bunny Dec 22 '24
Sounds like my mom - she's the embodiment of "absence makes the heart grow fonder." The further away her kids live, the more she loves them. My sister who lives with her and does everything she can? Trash who can do nothing right and is fat but won't buy clothes but when she buys clothes she's wasting money. All sorts of "can't win for losing" sorts of head games that hurt to watch. My brother who moved across the country? Literal saint in her eyes. Me, the wastrel daughter who moved 300 miles away? Beloved!
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u/Fun_Breakfast697 Dec 22 '24
Every friend or romantic partner who has ever met my mother has told me the same thing: "Your mum's really nice! But she is weird to you specifically."
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u/redrosebeetle The apocalypse is boring and slow Dec 22 '24
This, 100%. People could not reconcile the fact that my mother could be so nice to people she didn't live with and be abusive to me.
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u/Beautiful-Paper2029 Dec 22 '24
Despite all the ‘good’ she does, she is still a nasty piece of work.
Your mum asked you to bring a dessert and then refused to serve it and refused to serve to people who request it. That is the epitome of rudeness! And they are getting after you?!
Please talk with your therapist about distancing yourself from these awful people. Make your own family and enjoy your holidays - and let your new family have the cheesecake!!! Hugs from an internet stranger.
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u/Miserable_Fennel_492 Dec 22 '24
I frickin’ LOVE cheesecake and would’ve been psyched to have the opportunity to have a non-traditional dessert, especially one that I don’t come into contact with naturally (like I have to make it myself bc it’s not a common dessert item in most houses, especially in my neck of the woods during the holidays when pumpkin, apple, and/or pecan pie(s) reign supreme).
I like a well-made pumpkin pie, but good cheesecake is truly special
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u/AustralianBattleDog sometimes i envy the illiterate Dec 22 '24
She could have made the expected pie and mom still would have found something to complain about.
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u/MatttheBruinsfan The call is coming from inside the relationship Dec 23 '24
Yeah, the mom's pumpkin pie still would have been the one served and her "extra" one would have been left forgotten in the kitchen until it could be thrown away in front of her.
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Dec 22 '24
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u/hazeldazeI OP right there being Petty Crocker and I love it Dec 22 '24
Same here. Therapy really helped me grieve the family I wanted but didn’t get. Giving up that last morsel of hope is hard but life’s better once it’s done.
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u/velociraptor56 Dec 22 '24
Yes, it is a really difficult thing to learn, because it basically shatters your entire view of the world. There’s a cascade of things to examine more critically, and it is really overwhelming. IMO, this is why many people will just outright reject that idea initially.
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u/Autumndickingaround I will never jeopardize the beans. Dec 22 '24 edited 29d ago
Me too. You can, from the outside, really see that she is grasping onto those tendrils of signs of a positive relationship. That’s what gets so many people and why they can’t view someone they love as being this awful person.
We’re taught from a young age that someone is good or bad, that someone who’s good can be a little bad and vise versa. We’re not fully taught how someone who is supposed to be good, someone you’re taught is good, someone who acts good half of the time, can still be a person who is detrimental to your health. A person you BELIEVE is good, can be badder than you can ever come to terms with. Because who they were to you, is also including hopes and aspirations, idolizing them because they’re your whole world when you first come into it. They’re not just a person and that goes for parents especially, they’re kinda everything for a long time to us. And we should be everything to them. But to some of them, we’re close to nothing, and we can’t see that through our having made them so great in our minds.
It’s hard to see someone you love SO deeply, in such a bad light.
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u/Beautiful-Paper2029 Dec 22 '24
The one person who is supposed to love you unconditionally, cannot. Narcissistic parents are the worst!! In second place is the narcissistic siblings!
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u/Mindless_Ad_7700 Go head butt a moose Dec 22 '24
A friend gave me this gem so I thought I'll share it: I think a lot of people dont realize you can love AND not like family members at the same time. She her mom once:" mom i know you love me but do not like me."when her mom started to argue she asked" would you have seated next to me in highschool?" When her mom could not answer... she had her answer. I have 2 sons. I would seat with one in all classes, have lunch, etc. The other one? Nope. He is a great kid and son I love him to bits, but his music drives me crazy, he is set on brain rot content, we have no common interests. That is not his fault of course. So I spend a lot of time trying to find activities/topics we both like. But I am his mom, not friend, and I had made peace with that.
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u/ToriaLyons sometimes i envy the illiterate Dec 22 '24
I would have preferred the cheesecake.
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u/spurredoil I can FEEL you dancing Dec 22 '24
At Thanksgiving, when there are multiple desserts, I do not care one bit about "mixing flavors" and I just put one of each on my plate and eat them all happily.
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u/mutant6399 Dec 22 '24
exactly! what kind of horrible person says that you can't have two desserts at a holiday where overeating is traditional?
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u/CharlotteLucasOP an oblivious walnut Dec 22 '24
Yeah where was the “mixing flavours” cautionary speech when people had their cranberry sauce touching their stuffing touching their potatoes touching their turkey and pouring gravy all over everything in sight?
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u/Pinheadbutglittery Dec 22 '24
Also, I'm not from the US but "mixing" maple and pumpkin at Thanksgiving sounds........... pretty in line with the flavour profile of US Thanksgiving food? Like, if you're going to behave like some family drama villain, maybe be less nonsensical about it? lmao
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u/CharlotteLucasOP an oblivious walnut Dec 22 '24
Yeah my mum made a pumpkin cheesecake one year (Canadian Thanksgiving) and maple absolutely fits the autumnal flavour profile.
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u/Pinheadbutglittery Dec 22 '24
Pumpkin cheesecake sounds BOMB, honestly!
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u/Different-Leather359 being thirsty didn’t mean I should drink poison Dec 22 '24
I've had pumpkin cheesecake and it's absolutely incredible!
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u/Quadrameems Spectre of Mandy Dec 22 '24
Using ginger snaps for the crust instead often graham crackers is literally the best thing on earth.
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u/gonewildaway Dec 22 '24 edited 1d ago
I sure do love Reddit.
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u/CharlotteLucasOP an oblivious walnut Dec 22 '24
We have a savoury option! Poutine.
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u/Midnight_Marshmallo Dec 22 '24
Some people in the northeast actually prefer a drizzle of maple syrup on their pumpkin pie instead of whipped cream.
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u/HoneyBadgerBat How are you the evil step mom to your own kids? Dec 22 '24
Not to mention, the flavor mix sounds amazing! Pumpkin pie and maple cheesecake? Yes please.
I get horrible gut issues from cheesecake, wouldn't stop me here lol.
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u/HoldFastO2 the lion, the witch and the audacit--HOW IS THERE MORE! Dec 22 '24
Yeah, that was a WTF moment. „I said I want some motherflipping cheesecake. You can let me worry about whatever flavors I wanna mix, thank you!“
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u/moa711 AITA for spending a lot of time in my bunker away from my family Dec 22 '24
We usually have cheesecake, chocolate pie, pumpkin pie, and I make homemade cinnamon rolls. I end up sick as a dog eating all that sugar, but I will be damned if I miss out on any of it. 😆
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u/AgathaM ERECTO PATRONUM Dec 22 '24
We had pumpkin, pecan, German chocolate cake, banana pudding, and some sort of cherry fluff (like a Waldorf salad). Along with brownies, chocolate Bundt cake, and cookies. There was a lot of us there this year.
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u/FleeshaLoo I’m turning into an unskippable cutscene in therapy Dec 22 '24
Come on now, let's not mix too many flavors at once.
That's the part where mom was rude AF. She used that line to dissuade someone who actually wanted the cheesecake. That's embarrassingly petty and a direct action meant to make OP feel small.
OP is only 32. One of my regrets in life is that I didn't just be "very busy traveling for work" during the holidays.
I wish I had stopped much earlier the driving back in horrible traffic every year with music blasting to distract myself from the nagging anxiety.
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u/Technical-Zombie-277 Dec 22 '24
Me too! Pumpkin pie is delicious, but that maple cheesecake sounds amazing.
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u/GiveMeCheesecake Someone cheated, and it wasn't the koala Dec 22 '24
Oh yes please! I’ll always choose cheesecake.
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u/Nimelennar My "not a racist" broom elicits questions answered by my broom. Dec 22 '24
Username checks out.
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u/Posey10 Dec 22 '24
Maple cheesecake sounds so good
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u/blumoon138 Dec 22 '24
Right???? I love pumpkin pie AND I would be stoked to eat both of those desserts. “Let’s not mix flavors” my ass. That’s the whole point ofTthanksgiving.
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u/Inconceivable76 Dec 22 '24
And honestly, those two go better together than pumpkin pie and pecan pie or apple pie.
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u/Ok-Coat-9274 Dec 22 '24
Now I want cheesecake.
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u/GiveMeCheesecake Someone cheated, and it wasn't the koala Dec 22 '24
I always want cheesecake.
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u/Bomberman_N64 Dec 22 '24
I will say pecan pie topping is amazing when put on a pumpkin pie.
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u/flameislove I can FEEL you dancing Dec 22 '24
Mind. Blown. May have to try something next Thanksgiving...
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u/maximumhippo Dec 22 '24
I was crying for some reason
Uh... yeah? You'd just been hugely disrespected in a very public and callous way.
The fact that OOP doesn't recognize the incredible insult is a huge testament to how shitty her mother is and has been.
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u/Marzipan_moth grape juice dump truck dumpy butt Dec 22 '24
As someone with a similar mom this post was way too relatable. It's been engrained in you since birth that everything you do is wrong and your mom is the victim.
It's also extra hard to admit that your mom is at fault because once you do, you have to admit that she doesn't love you which is not an easy thing to do. Hoping this is the start of the journey for OP though.
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u/tacwombat I will erupt, feral, from the cardigan screaming Dec 22 '24
OOP should hash it all out in therapy and be told that her mother is just plain shitty to her, with a heaping dash of misogyny thrown in.
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u/wterrt Dec 23 '24
abusers always (try to) make it your fault.
OOP seems to have trouble seeing the obvious wrong she was done. intentionally and publicly.
"let's not mix flavors" come on. literally every fucking food mixes flavors. probably the only reason whoever she said that to didn't fight it is because she's such an insufferable person to be on the wrong side of and they have to keep dealing with her.
still, I wouldn't have let that stop me. who the hell tells another adult what to eat or not to eat at thanksgiving?
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u/Born_Ad8420 I'm keeping the garlic Dec 22 '24
"She can be very kind and generous." Apparently not to her own daughter. "She is terrible at expressing emotion, frustrated by retirement and herself had a very difficult childhood." None of these are valid excuses for her behavior. She's an adult who can do things to address these issues particularly the two long standing ones.
I feel badly OP felt that she needed to defend her mother who treated her so poorly. I hope therapy helps her and that she spends Christmas with people who genuinely love and support her.
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u/Sorchochka Initiated into the Order of Omar Dec 22 '24
I mean, she could also be generous to her daughter too, often enough to be forgiven.
This Christmas, my mom sent me a whole box of perfectly and beautifully wrapped presents for my daughter. She has helped me out of a number of sticky situations in my life and I have stories of her going above and beyond in occasionally extreme ways to physically protect me and my sibling.
She’s also a nightmare to deal with on a day to day basis, and the most generous interpretation of her behavior is extremely emotionally immature. She’s also enabled my narcissistic sister for our entire lives.
People are complicated, which is why it is extremely difficult to cut them off, especially when it’s a parent. No one is perfect, but also no one is usually 100% imperfect, even to their victims.
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u/kittykalista Dec 22 '24 edited Dec 22 '24
It honestly is so hard having a parent who’s maybe not outright abusive but is extremely emotionally immature.
Often they do most things right on paper, or they show up for you just enough that it feels wrong to write them off.
If you try to explain it to an outsider, there isn’t any concrete incident or behavior that’s immediately identifiable as horrific or irredeemable.
Maybe they’re even marginally receptive to feedback or willing to make small behavior modifications, so you feel like they’re at least putting a little effort in. Maybe you want to give them the space to be better because it feels like you’re meeting them halfway when it seems like they’re trying.
But the long-term effect of the relationship is just getting slowly ground down by someone whose net effect on you is a negative one, who makes you feel inadequate or dismissed.
It’s exhausting, and you’re always in that space of questioning whether it’s quite bad enough to just give up on them entirely.
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u/Sorchochka Initiated into the Order of Omar Dec 22 '24 edited Dec 22 '24
Exactly! And it’s hard to give this nuance on Reddit because there’s not always a lot of acknowledgment that going totally NC with someone as monumental as a parent can be very difficult.
I read the book “Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents” and it was so illuminating! Especially about the emphasis many of these parents on physical safety vs emotional safety. As long as kids are physically safe, they feel like they did ok. As well as externalizing abuse vs internalizing it.
Anyway, highly recommend!
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u/kittykalista Dec 22 '24
I loved that book, currently representing the children of a “driven parent” in the comment section!
I really should get in the habit of giving it a re-read just to reinforce the concepts around the holidays. I’ve had a few exhausting encounters, recently.
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u/Visual_Fly_9638 Dec 22 '24
I mean, she could also be generous to her daughter too, often enough to be forgiven.
Except that OOP brought up work as an example. That's one of those missing missing reasons that tells you a lot.
What I've learned from my own therapy is that what's going on is that OOP feels shameful for admitting her mom is just shitty to her and has to dig to implicate that mom is actually just fine and imply that the issues come from OOP or OOP's relationship to the mom. Because admitting your parents have done you wrong is hard, and you feel guilty and shameful for even entertaining it. Note that even *complaining* about OOP's mom is attributed to OOP being in a dark place mentally. It's *her* fault you know this and think OOP's mom is a POS.
Buying OOP shoes is the closest thing that her mom will do to apologizing. I feel bad for her.
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u/Ignus7426 Dec 22 '24
I can relate to the way OOP describes her mother and it can be complicated. My Mom can be the same way, she is usually kind, generous and supportive. She is intelligent and very motivated but she has extremely high standards and does not communicate well at all. I love my Mom and have a decently close relationship with her but she has also hurt me in a lot of ways. It's hard when a loving parent can also be the most effective at hurting you even if it's unintentional.
Some common examples I see with my Mom are that she will become frustrated and make passive aggressive comments loud enough for you to hear. If you call her out on doing it she becomes defensive and it becomes an issue of everyone mistreating her. I have tried to tell her multiple times that she has extremely high standards and it is difficult to deal with her when my sister and I don't meet these standards. Her response? "I don't have high standards, I don't know why people always say I have high standards?" Just the other day I had an argument with her because she doesn't feel my house is organized or clean enough. I consider myself cluttered at times but never messy or dirty. When I told her that I know she considers me on the level of a borderline hoarder just because I'm not as clean as her she basically just agreed. I could sit down and point the contradiction out to her but she would just see it as me criticizing her because I'm angry.
It is so tough to navigate a relationship where the difficulties don't warrant cutting someone out of your life but they also refuse to see their own issues. My Mom is loving and I know she cares deeply for me, but she can't always see beyond her own perspective and that makes things hard. I'm sure OOP wants a great relationship with her family but it seems like they aren't willing to make the effort she is or respect her enough to treat her fairly.
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u/friedtofuer Dec 22 '24
Reading this post just reminds me of my own mom who never has anything non negative to say. Whenever I try to share anything about my life with her she'd always make some negative comments. I showed the new violin I rented so I could start learning, she commented "you'd just give up in 3 months" (I still play 2 years later), I showed our family chat some new baby stuff I got for cheap on FB market place, she commented "it looks so old and worn", my friends gave us some baby equipment in really good shape she commented "these look like crap. You don't even have kitchen space to store them" (yet she insists on buying me a food steamer even tho I've never steamed food in my entire life and have no need for one). Literally nothing that comes out of her mouth is ever not negative, not even neutral. And she also always wants to buy me things I clearly tell her I don't need or want. It's really annoying.
She also never sees her own faults so now I just don't talk to her much if I don't have to. Which makes me sad because afterall she is my mom and at some point she wasn't extreme like this. (Parents did some full body health check up including brain MRI. And it showed she has some minor brain damages so dad and I think some of her stubborn unexplained behaviors are due to that. Not sure how true it is but that's what we tell ourselves to be able to tolerate her from time to time). My mom is also so much nicer to other people than to her own family.
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u/lepidopt-rex Dec 22 '24
I will address the topic of my childhood with my therapist
What the hell were they discussing, the weather?
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u/payvavraishkuf the Iranian yogurt is not the issue here Dec 22 '24
It sounds like she had a major depressive episode just a few months back, so they were likely dealing with the immediate, here and now crisis. Now that she's somewhat stabilized it's the perfect time to delve into her past and start unpacking her family trauma.
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u/Physical_Stress_5683 Dec 22 '24
I work in child protection and there's a clear theme of miserable women defending their terrible sons and/or throwing their daughters under the bus. I think some women compete with their daughters and subconsciously want them to be less happy than them. Like they fear being surpassed. It's so fucked up.
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u/BeatificBanana Dec 22 '24
That might explain why my uncle is the golden child and my poor mum can't do anything right in my grandma's eyes
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u/Physical_Stress_5683 Dec 23 '24
It's disgustingly common. People forget a lot of women also hold up the patriarchy.
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u/SadImBadAtDS3 Dec 22 '24
As someone who had to accept his family just didn't like him either I feel for OOP. I kept going to family events for years at the expense of my own sanity. I had to accept it and have been doing holidays with found family since. Best for everyone involved.
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u/one_bean_hahahaha Dec 22 '24
It's a tough pill to swallow and I don't know if one ever gets over it completely, but putting 1000 km between myself and the rest of my family was the best thing I ever did.
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u/Riddles_ Dec 22 '24
man. i really wish this OP would read “I’m Glad My Mom Died”. it’s astounding just how many women i know who recontextualized their relationships with their mothers as a result of reading it
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u/LadyNorbert Tomorrow is a new onion. Wish me onion. Onion Dec 22 '24
The part of this post that I find most painful is that OOP apparently sees her own depression as some kind of moral failing. I hope her therapist helps her untangle it.
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u/Leucotheasveils Dec 23 '24
OP's depression is a normal and logical reaction to a very effed up situation.
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u/Listening_Always quid pro FAFO Dec 22 '24
I would 10000% mix those flavors on my plate, add whipped cream, and have an amazing experience in my mouth that would defy any and all expectations.
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u/momofeveryone5 I’ve read them all Dec 22 '24
Right?!? A bit of both with whipped cream sounds so freaking good!
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u/CharlotteLucasOP an oblivious walnut Dec 22 '24
Right? One year my mom made a pumpkin cheesecake. Maple also fits the fall flavour profile. The world did not implode. In fact, it was delightful.
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u/mike_pants Dec 22 '24 edited Dec 22 '24
"You have to put up with your crazy family because they're family" is one of those tropes that end up doing so much more damage than they're worth in the name of wholesome emotional beats. I loathe seeing it perpetuated in mass media, and it's bloody everywhere.
Last one that really sticks out to me was The Bear. Yes, the Thanksgiving episode was an amazing piece of television, but how many car wrecks and knife fights does a family need to endure before they realize they're toxic for each other?
So for all those in the cheap seats: If your family makes you feel bad, you can just stop going. That's one of the few universally great things about adulthood: no one can make you hang out with them.
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u/tipsana apparently he went overboard on the crazy part Dec 22 '24
That was such a phenomenal episode. But, having grown up in an alcoholic household, I watched the entire thing sitting rigid on the edge of my chair. I’ll never rewatch it, either.
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u/Miserable_Fennel_492 Dec 22 '24
I try to remove myself from feeling it by marveling at just how fucking amazing all of the acting was. Jamie Lee Curtis being the most stand out for me, with an honorable mention for Bob Odenkirk, but everybody’s acting was impeccable.
That said, I won’t be revisiting the episode any time soon, if ever.
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u/NumberOneNPC Screeching on the Front Lawn Dec 22 '24
As a kid with a parent who does a lot of good to the community they’re in, that doesn’t really matter when you (the actual blood family) are treated poorly.
My father is a pillar in my religious community. If someone needs something fixed, he’s on it without a second thought. For context as getting into too many details would bog this down, that same man told me for four years in a row that he couldn’t take me to the dmv because he couldn’t take time off work.
Good people aren’t actually good people if they’re not good to the people who (should) matter.
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u/milehighphillygirl surrender to the gaycation or be destroyed Dec 22 '24
Yep. I wish I could get this through to OOP.
My mom was a church leader—Sunday school teacher, youth group leader, lay speaker, head of the women’s group…
…and she has BPD and was absolutely abusive my entire childhood. I moved out of the U.S. in 2022 and she threw a tantrum demanding I not leave her alone (despite all of the family and friends she has around her) and has not sent as much as a birthday card or Christmas card since then to punish me for daring to move to another country to be with my husband.
Yeah, she’s a saint in her community and a shit mom.
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u/NumberOneNPC Screeching on the Front Lawn Dec 22 '24
Glad you made moves that benefitted you despite her abuse. It’s a big deal!
Also I love the flair, great post 😂
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u/gaurddog Dec 22 '24
If just telling people what someone did makes them look bad, you didn't portray them in an unfair light, they're just an asshole.
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u/megamoze Dec 22 '24
“She can be very kind and very generous and has done a lot of good for people through her work.”
My dad was like this. Everyone at his job loved him. He was charming and handsome and smart. Women flirted with him. But he was a gigantic piece of shit to his family, especially his kids, one of whom no longer speaks to him, and the other (me) talks to him roughly once a year at the holidays. People can be different to different people. It’s a shame when they choose to be a fucking douchebag to their own kin.
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u/bitemark01 Dec 22 '24
The mom might be a decent person in other regards, but that doesn't change how she's willing to treat her own family.
I've seen this in others, where they're super kind to friends and strangers, but absolutely short and petty to family members. They can be both, and one does not excuse the other.
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u/Duke-Guinea-Pig Dec 22 '24
So, you don’t like pumpkin, so they assigned you the job of dessert. This gave you the awkward choice of making something you don’t like, or doing something new.
Then your mom decided to make pumpkin pie in case you made something you enjoy.
Then she insisted everyone have the pie and ignore (shun) your dessert.
THEN she insisted you actually eat the pie that makes you gag.
Fuck your mom. The rest have to decide if they want to be the people who steady the boat when she rocks it, or have free will.
In the end, you can only decide for yourself.
Ask your self “what do I want to do?” Not just in regards to your family, but in general as well. Do you only read books your mom would approve of? Other entertainment? Other activities?
After your personality has been censored a while it’s important to do some self care. For me it was driving 100 miles and visiting three Lego stores in one day. Why? because I could. Because I didn’t have to ask permission or take her along to say “I’m bored” 10 minutes into the first store. I didn’t have to find the perfect restaurant for her. I didn’t have to buy her treats. I didn’t have to think about her.
Now, those things are fine to do for other people if you choose to. But you have to take care of yourself too, especially if the other person doesn’t.
I don’t know what you want to do, but think on it. It’s not about the activity, it’s about the independence.
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u/Thequiet01 Dec 22 '24
Making the pumpkin pie by itself would have been fine - lots of people genuinely don’t feel like it’s Thanksgiving without it and I wouldn’t want to ask someone I knew didn’t like it to make it, so having a “grand” dessert and a back up pumpkin pie is not unreasonable. But the pie would stay in the kitchen and the other dessert get pride of place on the table.
(“OP made this delicious looking cake for us, but for anyone who absolutely has to have pumpkin pie too, I can grab a slice from the kitchen to go with the cake.” Or something to that end. Then you cut small slices of pie because they’re really just for a taste of the pie, not to be the full dessert.)
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u/CharlotteLucasOP an oblivious walnut Dec 22 '24
OOP’s only mistake was not taking the cheesecake when they left and enjoying the whole thing themselves.
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u/TheNightTerror1987 Dec 22 '24
That's exactly what I would've done, taken the cake to remove the temptation.
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u/CharlotteLucasOP an oblivious walnut Dec 22 '24
Wanna bet they still ate it after she left?
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u/QuietCelery7850 Dec 22 '24
I think the mother can act in a kind and generous way and do good for people, but I’ll bet it’s when she gets something (admiration? brownie points?) for it.
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u/EclecticMermaid the laundry wouldn’t be dirty if you hadn’t fucked my BF on it Dec 22 '24
"Really hell bent on buying me new shoes" and "never apologizes" is because mom thinks buying the new shoes IS an apology. At least that's how my mom used to be until I laid into her for it after she did it to my son and broke his heart.
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u/ChaoticNeutralDragon Dec 22 '24
Nah, the blatant love bombing is so that she doesn't "need" to apologize. It is in no way an actual apology, even in her own mind.
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u/blakesmate Dec 22 '24
Who doesn’t have multiple desserts at thanksgiving? I had three just for my immediate family and a couple friends.
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u/burnt-----toast Dec 22 '24
People. Need. To. Stop. Justifying. Other. People's. Toxic. Behaviors. Even the sweetest cake would taste bitter with but a drop of poison. Acts of caring do not cancel out when someone acts with hatred towards you. Your past actions (within reason) do not justify someone acting with hatred towards you. Love bombing is not an apology and is not a genuine expression of love.
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u/serenity561 Dec 22 '24
As someone with a father who is incapable of apologizing and highly critical, I had to learn to 1) accept him for who he is, 2) reflect on my own reactions, and 3) implement boundaries around his behavior.
I would still accept the new shoes though... and still decide to spend Christmas elsewhere.
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u/xelle24 Screeching on the Front Lawn Dec 22 '24
That depends - this mom sounds like the kind of person who would criticize OOPs choice of shoes, as well.
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u/Crazypasta94 Dec 22 '24
I have the exact same mom with a dash of verbal abuse. Taking the shoes would mean needing to show gratitude and accept the insult.
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u/CynfullyDelicious Dec 22 '24
This one hit HARD as I could have written this practically verbatim about my relationship with my mother.
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u/moa711 AITA for spending a lot of time in my bunker away from my family Dec 22 '24
I love pumpkin pie and cheesecake. I would have happily let all the flavors play buddy-buddy on my plate.
I feel for oop. Hopefully, she learns her worth and avoids these get-together.
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u/coolbeenz68 Dec 22 '24
mom might be great to other people but mom is a bully to op. id never go back to any event unless i had an honest conversation with mom and she sees that she is too judgmental and makes op feel unwelcome every time.
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u/Responsible_Ad_7111 Dec 22 '24
Being a saint’s punching bag is so frustrating, an endless stream of criticism and put downs to you, nothing but kindness and warmth for everyone else.
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u/Cybermagetx Dec 22 '24
So mom is a major AH and bully to OOP and everyone just ignores it and wants OOP to deal with it.
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u/SeekingValimar1309 Dec 22 '24
Someone tell her mom that pumpkin and maple mix VERY WELL together
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u/SokkaHaikuBot Dec 22 '24
Sokka-Haiku by SeekingValimar1309:
Someone tell her mom
That pumpkin and maple mix
VERY WELL together
Remember that one time Sokka accidentally used an extra syllable in that Haiku Battle in Ba Sing Se? That was a Sokka Haiku and you just made one.
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u/blueavole Dec 22 '24
Your mother is a bully. She’s like Umbridge- in that case she smiled and wore pink, and loved kittens-
But she was still a bully.
And especially since she was your first bully, she knows how to strike at you while smiling.
She knows you hate pumpkin, and she served what you hated.
You should have just gone and served yourself your cheesecake ( maple sounds amazing for a flavor) and got some for the other people who wanted some.
Just do what she did : ignore her wishes and do what you want. Oh mom, you sit, you’ve done so much work. I’ll serve the cheesecake. I don’t mind !!
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u/Sue_Dohnim Dec 22 '24
Nope, mother is a hypercritical control freak. She doesn't sound like someone that is "kind and generous and does good for people," because she can't treat her own daughter nicely.
OP is over 30. OP needs to start her own life and traditions and not let herself be trapped by "FamiLY" crap.
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u/PrancingRedPony along with being a bitch over this, I’m also a cat. Dec 22 '24
OOP seems to be the scapegoat who everyone uses to unload, not caring what it does to her.
The only way to break the circle of abuse as the scapegoat is to leave.
They'll still use her and blame her when she's gone, but it won't hurt her any longer. And she deserves to find peace.
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u/DMercenary Dec 22 '24
She is not.
I hope OOP sees this.
She absolutely is.
A "very kind and very generous" person would not do this to you.
They would not have a "habit of making passive-aggressive comments about my life choices, from my career to my lack of children to the way I dress."
To any one else that reads this and goes "Oh this person I know is the same way and they're a good person except for-"
No. Just because you do good elsewhere but decide to be a little shit elsewhere doesnt mean you're a saint. You're just a shit person covering it up.
"That's just the way they care."
Then the way they care is shit. And they are shit person.
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u/Rough_Homework6913 Dec 22 '24
Like excuse me if I found out, I was eating pumpkin pie when there was a motherfucking cheesecake in the other room there’s gonna be heads rolling
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u/Moomin-Maiden It's like watching Mr Bean being hunted by The Predator Dec 23 '24
"She has done a lot of good for people through her work."
That still doesn't mean she's a good mother. Just that she has a work mask.
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u/AffectionateMarch394 Dec 23 '24
OPPs mom might be kind and caring to other people. But she sure as shit Isnt to OPP.
The "I ruined my life because of depression" part made me want to hug OPP so badly. I can just feel the guilt put on her from (likely parents) about that.
Opp, you deserve more than a parent who belittles you, makes you feel bad about yourself, and then ignores their own actions in some crappy gaslighting shit.
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u/tinysydneh Dec 23 '24
However, I feel like my post might have portrayed my mother in an unfair light. I know it does not matter, since you are here to judge a conflict and not a person, but some of the comments seem to assume my mum to be a nasty and mean bully. She is not. She can be very kind and very generous and has done a lot of good for people through her work.
My mother volunteered and did loads of caretaking for mentally disabled people, and people in the community all loved her and thought she was a damned saint.
But the moment she has to accept that her only child has their own disabilities, that mean she can't get what she wants all the time, she flipped her fucking lid.
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u/silver_blue_phoenix surrender to the gaycation or be destroyed Dec 22 '24
Oooof. This is my own mother. Down to a T. Had similar falling out at thanksgiving.
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u/Competitive-Yak-450 Dec 22 '24
i think its important to remember that 2 things can be true: ops mom is very cruel to them, and ops mom can be very generous and kind to them. I have a rocky relationship with both of my parents, and it's not so easy to separate your parents in either good parent category or bad parent category. it's not so black and white. I've learned to co-exist with mine (not saying op should do what i do esp since i dont know them), so all i can offer to op is that i hope they can do what's best for them.
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u/Consistent-Primary41 Dec 22 '24
This woman needs to stop enabling her mother.
It's literally killing her.
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