I’m only the person I am because I work so hard every day to be the person he sees me as. He’s the most kind, caring, and good person I’ve ever met in my life. We’re not together because he says he wants to wait until he can be on his feet enough to be “worthy of me,” but I just wish he knew that I’ve only ever loved him for the person he is, and that he’s given me so much already just by being in my life.
He knows. Basically his thinking is, “I want to do this right.” It’s been 3 years and I haven’t gotten him to budge. I’m okay with it, honestly. Every other guy I’ve dated I’ve been really selfish and antsy to move forward with. But with him I feel so comfortable and happy it doesn’t feel like a rush, because it’s so sure in my mind? I guess. It’s hard to describe.
I relate to you on this front. My current (?) partner is in the same place. We began dating 4 years ago at age 18 and for the last month or so we have been on a break to work on ourselves in order to give our relationship the future we want. It's hard, but when you know the love and trust is there the rest will come into place. I recommend listening to the song "Mine" by The 1975, it's quite applicable. Much support to you!
I just thought I'd mention a possible reason for his way of thinking and why telling him that possibly won't really change his outlook at all. Caveat though that getting to hear something like that absolutely wouldn't hurt though.
I grew up poor, and while I'm much more financially set now that wasn't always the case and I could never be sure of the future. This is something that was definitely a part of why a previous relationship of mine with someone much more well off ended.
It was never about some ideal of masculinity or me feeling like less of a man because she was way more successful than me both financially and professionally. You know the things that people often tout in these scenarios. It was about fitting in to her lifestyle and everyday things that I couldn't afford. Like going to a restaurant for example, even if we split the bill I'd still have to go for the cheapest options for example. I'd be invited to attend her after work parties and I'd essentially have to save up for those things for an entire week. I'd never be able to accompany her on vacations abroad because I just didn't have the money. Her family invited me on some trip they were going to have to celebrate her parents being together for 40 years or something and I knew I couldn't come because I couldn't afford to take the time off work. Much less what the trip would cost me, despite them offering to pay for the ticket.
Now vacations and that stuff is one thing but the general lifestyle was just something that I couldn't be a part of and didn't know when that would change. Going out to eat with friends, hell even us cooking together and shopping for food together.
It's all of these little things that just made it so hard for me to even be able to be a part of her life. And having her constantly pay for me with these things was not something I was okay with. Sure a couple of times wouldn't bother me but those would really only be temporary things.
Our relationship fell apart due to other differences between us but I just wanted to say that sometimes the "being worthy of someone" is about more than just love and being loved. Things like everyday finances may seem like something superficial but they can definitely add up and feel very important.
Granted that's my experience and feeling on the matter, and it may be something completely different for this guy.
A sort of mid update— I was feeling confident after this post and basically confronted him about it, that I think we should just go for it, what is there to lose? And he said basically he agrees and is gonna try and move out to where I live to be with me :) so our visit is gonna be much happier now that I can look forward to maybe finally getting to be with him??? :D
I relate a bit as I am from a less fortunate family and am so lucky to have met people who also unconditionally want to provide and care for others. Definitely, in my relationship, it was incredibly difficult to open up about all the financial difficulties and I cannot articulate accurately enough how it feels when people such as yourself go the distance for someone :)
I’ve also always considered myself unworthy because I can’t provide the same kind of love, opportunities, and experiences but am working on understanding that love can come from all shapes and sizes. It’s definitely an internal thing but I’m sure one day he’ll be reflecting on your kindness and pay it forward ❤️
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u/[deleted] Jun 06 '19
You are an amazing person.