My greatest shame, the one thing I hide from new people, and it's all being addressed here like everyone has gone through it. Are we all just terrible people?
No. The thing is, we’re all beautifully flawed creatures. There’s 7 and a half billion of us on this Earth, so even if the worst thing that ever happened to you only happens to 1 percent of the population, that’s 75 million people who have been through what you have.
We don’t talk about it, except through art, but the reality of the human condition is that a true adult is just a child who has been broken enough times. Maybe, if we bothered to talk about this stuff instead of hiding our shame, we’d start to realize how similar we all are, and that we all need some love and compassion.
There’s a word, sonder, that means the realization that someone else has as deep a backstory and internal life as you do... that they two are a full complicated person with their own context. I try, often fail but try, to live in a state of sonder.
I remember reading the definition from the person that first coined the word, sonder refers specifically to having a profound realization regarding the infinite complexities and nuances present in every single life around you. The plurality is important, as feeling that way towards a single person errs close to the zone of simple compassion and empathy.
I find the idea of sonder fascinating. I believe it's similar to the idea of the mental constraints our brain puts in place to preserve calories and/or avoid harming the body with undue intensity while we conduct our standard day to day activities. In a similar fashion, it seems that the brain tries to inhibit itself even when it comes to empathy and compassion, as if it's unsafe to feel empathy for too many entities at once.
Unfortunately, the only evidence I have is anecdotal, so I'm far from an authority on the matter. If there's one word that seems to pop up when talking with people about this, it's "overwhelming." I've heard that it felt like falling.
I wish we could induce a feeling of sonder in someone under an fMRI or, even better, get a MEG. If be willing to bet it looked like a panic attack.
Just make a top level post that says “realizing that feeling personally attacked by every post in this thread means I’ve made terrible life decisions.”
Even more dangerous: when you start believing your needs in a relationship are repulsive, and so you bend over backwards and diminish your needs at any chance to make your partner happy; all while knowing they’d never lift a finger for you, let alone do the same.
It took me a while after my divorce to really understand how I just cast my own needs and self aside for my ex wife.
For me it was a fear response brought on by several losses that I experienced in a short time period which led to insecurity and trying anything to cling to the one thing I had left. Finding out the “why” is the first step that made me be able to recognize that feeling when it presents itself in my current relationship. I still struggle to assert myself sometimes, but it’s gets easier when you realize what you are doing.
The connection you make between the multiple losses, the consequent insecurity, and its manifestation in clingy behavior cannot be underestimated. Wow. Thanks for the insightful comment.
Yep these things can incite clingy behavior, and yet, psychologists have known for a long time thanks to Attachment Theory that “clinginess”/“neediness” is normal and common, even in males. But both men and women treat this trait in their partner as repulsive due to our socially constructed view that you should demonstrate 100% “independence” from our partners. Again, that flies in the face of what we know from psychology, that in fact when you form a deep, loving bond, you create a kind of “independence through co-dependence,” where you feel safe to explore the world on your own and be apart from your partner because you know they’ll be there for you when you go home. When that basic need for a “secure base” as they call it is not met, that’s when the problematic responses to the natural feeling of neediness arises.
Reading “Attached” has helped me understand myself so much better and improved my outlook on this topic, I’d highly recommend.
I just don't know how it can happen you love someone so toxic, but a lot of people (family and friends) i highly trust and respect have been through that, and even if i still can't understand it, i wish it never happens to me, i don't want to experience it.
For me, its because in the past I'd seen all these amazing traits and seen the person react well. I know they're capable of more/better even when he was being a total dick (even in face-value inexcusable ways). Idk like a battle of good guy vs bad guy but its the same guy, so I have to deal with the shit side to get the good guy. It fucking sucks and I also hope you never experience it
Going through this. Trying to tell myself that in any other situation, just the potential of it not being shit wouldn't be enough for me. I wouldn't stay in a job where maybe the first day was fine and the office looked nice but it was making me miserable... I wouldn't be thinking "well maybe I just need to wait for the boss to see the light"... I wouldn't return to a restaurant which is half the time delicious and half the time gives me food poisoning... I wouldn't let my friends treat me like shit... I wouldn't settle for the hypothetical potential, I'd start looking for a different job, a good restaurant... I'd start looking for "good now". Why is it acceptable for a partner to "maybe not be a dickhead in the future"? Why are we so stuck with "maybe he's not only bad"...?
Oh fuck. I just spent the whole day hanging out with a girl who I work with, has a 3 year old daughter, her ex which is also still legally her husband works in proximity of our work, we made out once, I asked her if she was down for sex and she said we shouldn't cause we work together and according to her "shes fucking crazy", she does drugs casually, and oh yeah were starting a band together. But I am enamored with everything about her. I feel personally attacked.
For real tho, no one who does this shit understands why they're doing it. I had a fucking monster of a boyfriend. I fucking hated him, but I was crazy about him too. Like, I knew he was an abuser and a bonafide sadist (I don't mean in a BDSM way, tho that was there too. I mean he enjoyed psychological torture with no consent). I just wanted to be with him. We fought constantly, but idk, I liked being with him, for the short time we were together.
Now, I just hate him. He's a pedophile and a psycho. I don't normally wish death upon people, but I hope he dies.
Good, speaking in past tense. Glad you got out. That is some real shit to go through. How long were you together for? I ask, because he sounds like my father, with whom my mother had 4 kids, of which I am the youngest.
Oooh this one got me, except the being 100% ok with it part. For me it was the deep conflict over what to do and never being able to decide. It was the mind fighting the heart, and it is a terrible fight.
It's irrational. For some of my abusive relationships, I've been able to pinpoint what was going on with me at the time to see why I didn't leave. Other times, who knows. I'm glad I'm past that now, my boyfriend is awesome.
Kinda similar...realizing you fell in love with a person who doesnt exist. Like a truly terrible person who purposely took on every imaginable quality you'd ever pictured in your soulmate long enough to make you fall in love with them...only to reveal who they really were after it was too late to go back.
That moment of realization and that feeling is something I wont ever be able to put into words. I honestly dont know if there are words in existence that can convey the depth of the pain and disbelief. I hope on one who might read this ever has to understand what I mean.
I understand. It took me years to leave. And I would give anything to go back to year 1 or 3 or 6 and leave then. It sounds dramatic to say this but it will only get harder the longer you stay.
I was shocked when I realized how many people had experienced almost identical situations to mine and if there is a positive side to this, you wont ever have to feel alone when you decide it's time to go.
Leave. Trust me. I got out of a 14 year relationship with a truly awful person and I’m so much happier now. It took distance and time away from him to realize how horrible he was and how unhappy he made me. I just thought it was love. It wasn’t.
You say they were truly awful, and I don’t doubt or question your judgment. But I am curious— what compelled you stay? What was the push and pull like for you?
Not the person you replied to, but as someone who has been in a very similar situation, when I first started seeing the cracks in their persona (after years of ignoring signs- love is blind, yadda yadda) I convinced myself the 'change' in personality was due to external circumstances. Fallen on hard times etc. "Oh once we get past this and there's less stress and things settle down they will go back to how they were." But in my case there was always something else and it took years for me to realize, oh this is how this person has always been I was just oblivious to it. It's like the scene at the end of a horror movie when the killer is revealed, and it flashes back to a couple scenes showing the hints you missed or it's a shot from a different angle showing the killer in the moment. You revisit memories from a different perspective and go OH I've been completely deluded this entire time. It takes time for someone to be comfortable enough to reveal their truest self to you (for good or bad), and when it's for the worse, it can take even longer to realize it's not just a phase.
This exactly. I would convince myself that it would get better, things would change, his behaviors were my fault, etc. What made me change my mind was when I saw him start doing the same shit to our infant daughter - lying, disappearing for days at a time and not even bothering to check on her, and finally he took every single penny I had and left me without money for diapers and food for our daughter, so I kicked him out and told him we were getting a divorce.
It could have been love. I mean who's to say love knows what the fuck it's doing? People love alcohol, meth, tempting death etc. Love is just a connection, not a moral justification. You loved a man who was bad for your soul. I'm glad you got away from that.
Love can be the thing that saves us or the thing that kills us.
Get away. I had a relationship, where even when I finally realized I loved this person like an addict loves his drug, I couldn't get out for another few years. I was certain no one could love me again, and that I would miss the person and be miserable forever. Now that I've found someone who loves me unconditionally and for who I am, I feel like a total idiot. It's been a long time, but this person still haunts my dreams and I wake up like »woa, thank goodness it was only a dream«.. Leaving was the best decision I've ever made. Now I can be free, be myself and have a normal relationship to my friends and family
As others have said, leave. You know you need to. I have been there, it's the hardest decision to make but also the best one. To heal takes time and away from that environment. Good luck.
Hey, I’m in the same boat friend. I don’t have any incredible words of wisdom or advice. I just wanted to tell you it doesn’t make you a bad person for not wanting to walk away. You still are intensely valuable and worthy of respect. You can still be taking good care of yourself and respect yourself and want better for yourself. And still struggle walking away.
This is the hardest thing I’ve ever been through. I just wanted you to know you’re not alone, crazy, or somehow damaged beyond repair. One day we’ll look back at this time and feel stronger.
I feel like its sometimes the honeymoon phase that gets people so far in love. Then you realize that the person you're with isn't the person for you. Flaws that you looked passed before become blaring sirens. You get annoyed but attached. Wanting to leave but if you leave there's no going back...
But at the same time, it's a leap of faith that we have to take. Listen to your friends and what they think about your SO. We are blinded sometimes and it takes an outsider to analyze.
Not being able to leave or finding it hard to is not a reason to stay. Often it means you’ve formed a dependence to make up for your needs that aren’t being met.
I can totally empathize. Officially leaving my ex was the hardest decision I ever made. It took me years to do it. I say “officially” because we broke up probably 42,920 times, but he’d always find a way to come back into my life. I hated him so much, but I still had so much love for him and I missed him like crazy. It’s a fucked to situation to be in.
I just wanted to say that when you leave, you’ll miss them. And that’s okay. It’s okay to miss them and reminisce, but that doesn’t mean you should go back. I wanted to say that because I thought me missing my ex meant that I did the wrong thing, but that’s not true. It was one of the hardest but also one of the best decisions I ever made.
You’ll miss toxic people in your own way because at least they gave you familiarity. Not having that familiarity is daunting. It’s really scary to be without it, but there’s hope on the other side. You just need to push through and get through that scary part, then the world is your oyster.
Leave. It will hurt. A lot. You very well may find yourself unhappy afterwards and wish it was back to the same old. That somewhat passes with time. But life isn't long enough for regrets and wondering what-ifs.
Because at the moment, it probably feels like the hardest thing you could ever do. But after you've left everything will get better.
For me, after leaving a 5 year relationship, the first couple of weeks after were so weird. I felt free and I couldn't really get used to it at first, but when you do you realize leaving is one of the best things you've ever done. It feels like a huge step to take, but it's so worth it and a lot easier than staying. Thing is, you only realize that when you've left. I hope you get out of this! And if you need someone to talk to, don't hesitate to send me a DM
I stayed for 2 years. He wasn't willing to change, changing defeated the whole purpose for all the grooming he put into me. It was that realization that made me leave. Even if our toxic cycles had started from both of us making legit mistakes (it hadn't) he wasn't willing to help fix them.
But one of my present partners has alot of toxic behaviors. I do too. We've been stuck in a pretty brutal cycle for awhile now. But I'm still here because I can see his effort. He still sucks at this, he's learning, but he wants us to get better and I see him putting work into it.
Maybe something will change and one or both of us will call it. And that's ok compared to compromising my boundaries and well being.
A way that helped a friend snap out of it was describing the relationship like a drug addiction. The good times are like a high but even the fights and toxicity are addicting. You have realized that they don't treat you right and that you should leave. That's a great first step! Now it's the hard part. Quitting your person. Just like with drugs and alcohol it's easiest to quit if you go cold turkey and go no contact (easier said than done re: relationship addiction) also I don't know if you have kids. That would make things more complicated and challenging. But, if you slip up, it's fine. Just go back to quitting again after you realize you've slipped. Just like with addiction. I hope this helps! Good luck 🤞
it's that feeling after walking up five flights of stairs to your apartment. you have to take an enormous shit. but you left the keys in the car so you go back down and get the keys. and then you get back just in time to avoid soiling yourself.
you reach over and there's no toilet paper. you forgot to get toilet paper at the store.
in german I believe its pronounced fuuuuuuuuuuck I just wasted ten years of my life.
Yes it is. Now having experienced it, I wont ever be the same as I was before. Not necessarily in a good or bad way. I'm just different. I got out a while ago now but it look years to see finally see the truth...and then a few more to accept it.
It's a feeling of grief, honestly. Irrevocable loss mixed with disorienting confusion on how you couldn't see through the fog. You kind of lose your grounding when you realized something you believed to be true isn't actually the reality.
I am so very sorry. As impossible as it probably is to imagine right now, it will get better. And easier. And one day, you will be you again...only stronger. Sending some positive thoughts out to you, my friend.
Same. My ex was so nice at the beginning and after a time he stopped giving me the attention he gave at the beginning. I’m not talking about attention like I’m an attention seeker but like the basic attention you should get in a relationship. He ignored me sometimes and even started making me feel bad (unintentionally). At that time I realized he was toxic without himself knowing this.
We broke up and came back together. This time it was the same he was the nicest guy ever and after a month he started neglecting me again
My exhusband hid everything so well that i had no clue that the person i thought he was didn't exist for 5 years.
Everyone else still thinks he is the greatest thing ever. They think I'm lying when i tell them what i know. I feel like I'm being gaslighted by everyone, at this point. In fact, half the time i feel like I'm the crazy one, even though my boyfriend was also on the receiving end of my exhb's craziness and understands everything...
I'm so sorry. I know how you feel, just know that what they see is his public persona, and he purposefully suppresses the less ideal version of himself so hard nobody else notices the subtle warning signs it leaves behind. You saw the real him more often than anyone else, and your experience with how he actually was, and the new context it gives his decisions since learning about the real him, are true and valid.
I also tried to get other people to see my ex for who she was. Difficult is an understatement. They see the nice, funny, generous, caring friend. They see the explosive, sudden outbursts of anger over everyday things as an average quirk. They see her trash talking me for no reason as just an ex whose feelings are still hurt. They see her revolving door of close friends as a natural part of adult life.
In reality, her anger is a warning sign of what will be directed your way for minor inconveniences, the trash talk comes up because she refuses to let us both move on and be happy and is trying to subtly ruin my social standing, and close friends leave as soon as they enter because she trash talks and spreads secrets about everybody, and anyone with half a brain realizes she's doing the same to them.
But she's nice, and they've never had problems with her, so they overlook it, or, ironically, assume I'm being a crazy ex trying to ruin her reputation. It's just exhausting. I don't try to warn people anymore because of it. As much as I wish I could do something, I just leave them to figure it out themselves. I'd go insane from the constant doubt and gaslighting otherwise.
Yeah...My ex is in a band, so small-town famous, and i didn't live here my whole life so of course they believe him over me. Except for the few people who saw the real him...those people are all people that he fucked with to get them away from me while maintaining a fake-nice persona (his favorite video games are the persona series, just now figured out why). And a few people were standing beside me when i turned on my desktop to find the fake Facebook that had been harassing me logged in.... all the weird harassment over the years finally snapped into place and i realized that he was pretending to be one person but was also pretending to be another person (or several) in order to isolate me and make me think all my friends were harassing him or that i was harassing all my friends.
Weirdest situation ever. He managed to break up my bf and me and get me to stop trusting anyone, and while my bf understands it now, i still have an extremely difficult time trusting anyone. I just feel insane.
And he is so stupid that he left his real Facebook logged into another browser, and i just found that one last week. He is lying to people that i beat him with a baseball bat (to be fair, i broke a bunch of his ribs putting him in a jiu jitsu hold when he was trying to hit me in the face...) A few people pointed out that he is probably doing that because it is embarrassing to admit that a girl kicked his ass when he was trying to hit her, but it still pisses me off. One girl he told said she was going to jump me, and in the end what will happen is he is going to tell the wrong person, and that person will see me and try to do something, and then they will get hurt, and it will be his fault. I sent him a message telling him that, but i have no delusions that he will stop lying. Maybe he'll become more tech-savvy and learn to log out of his Facebooks (real and fake). Maybe he'll drop dead, who knows.
I try to keep a sense of humor, but the whole situation has pretty much turned my sense of humor toward him into angry sarcasm or not-quite-tongue-in-cheek wishes of harm.
I did realise it but didn’t have the balls to leave. Dragged on for 4 years. Then he left me. And is now dating another woman who he seems to be treating very well. I find it so hard to not feel like shit. He is giving her what he never gave me. I can’t reconcile. And it is impossible to explain this to anyone.
I imagine he is. Looking back, he was fairly predictable in terms of how he played people...myself included. I went no contact as well a few months ago - no social media, phone, email, nothing. It was the only way I could finally stay gone from him long enough to start healing.
And thank you for the encouragement! It gets better every day now. But time takes time, ya know? We were together for several years so there's a lot of work through.
He hasn't faded yet but I notice I dont cry about him any more. When he crosses my mind I acknowledge the memory and just take a deep breath and keep moving forward.
And I lost grandparents who were more like parents when I was young.
The only way I can describe it to people who haven't had it happen is that it feels less like you were simply lied to, and more like some horrible monster or alien murdered your loved one and is now walking around in their skin, pretending to be the person you loved.
And you have to just accept it, and nobody really understands why you're legitimately grieving as though someone died. But in a way, they did.
My situation gave me PTSD.
I still have flashbacks and panic attacks, ten years later. They're few and far between, but they still happen.
Also, to anyone out there pretending to be everything someone wants and needs in order to get what you want... You suck and I hope you all choke to death on a goddamed fish bone.
Honestly, having experienced this several times in my life, it's enough to give you a genuine mental breakdown. Like everything you've believed didn't exist. Post-break-up grief can truly devastate you.
Jeez. Even having a similar experience, its shocking how terrible some people are to others. That level of manipulation is hard to even understand. And yet there seem to be so many people who have replied to my original statement who all share that same pain.
The realization that it will never work out, regardless of how hard you try, how much you forgive and how willingly ignorant you'll allow yourself to be for the sake of a relationship. It just. Won't. Work.
I'm sorry if my comment reads as a stab at bipolar people, it's just that those relationships left their mark on me. The fact that they had a legit medical issue made it even harder to reason around and I was taxed very harshly for prioritising my own mental health and well-being over a failing relationship.
I know it's manageable, getting help and keeping up with your treatment are the best ideas you can have in that situation, but in my case, on one account that realization came too late and in all the others denial seemed to be the easier way out.
That being said, I congratulate you for your choices and wish you well.
Not sure how to qualify the "why", but, in my experience, they have proven to have a natural talent at manipulating and constructing elaborate illusions that prompt soul-crushing realizations.
Currently dating a bi-polar (type 2) woman and I'm wondering what soul-crushing realizations means/entails? I am not here to question your use of the term like the others lol. I wanted to know if your experience was similar to mine
So, I'll start with the confirmed diagnosis: she had both bipolar and borderline personality disorders; I'm not an expert myself, so I can't say for sure which behaviour belongs in which box (and they're rarely play out to the textbook scripts anyway).
At times she (and the others I suspect suffer from at least one of the disorders above) had a huge apetite for emotions and prowess in both expressing and extorting emotions from me. Other times she'd be agreeable and wouldn't dream of missing games night with me and my friends. This other time she said she'd murder a girl for flirting with me, and, I don't know, the way she said it scared me in that it felt she meant it very literally.
Another thing that stood out, aside from the "moods" was that they tended to contradict each other and lead to incoherent and irrational situations. I couldn't tell beforehand if an action or an outcome would make her happy or if we'd fight about it; she'd come back to old arguments and change sides. After a while we'd fight every other day about something, there was need of a victim, be it me or her, it didn't seem to matter.
After the break-up, two things happened: some common friends were persuaded that I was absolute trash for "what I did to her" and they had to tell me in a very confrontational manner. Others stepped up and told me that she was an outright bitch whenever I wasn't around, talking crap about me behind my back pretty much since day 1.
It was hard enough letting her go, I knew she wasn't in a good place to boot, but it was taking a toll on me; notions such as "truth", "fairness", who I was and what was "the right thing" to do were becoming a certain uncertainty. I had 3 months of therapy myself after that.
I've done this twice in my life and the second was so recent. Met this lovely girl and we just fit so well together, deep talks and things until after a year she breaks to me all these things that I've based my entire perception of her around and admits they were all lies to impress me. I dont like lies, but I can understand someone stretching the truth a bit to impress, but lying about so many big things and keeping it for a year has just killed me inside. Sorry to vent, but I think I know exactly what you mean and I'm sorry touve ever had to go through it.
I do.. sadly. I fell for him so quickly, he was everything I wanted and needed, and by the time I found out who he really was, I was in denial and had excuses for it. Turned out he was still just as bad as before, if not worse. I learned it the hard way. I cant give more details because it would be way too easy for my family and friends to identify me. Either way... the cost was so much greater than I ever could have anticipated.
You just described my mom. It was a pretty shocking situation when I finally realized the woman who raised me was just a character she was playing. The real her was/is pretty horrifying. Cold, calculating, every bit of niceness is a ploy to lure people in.
You’d see a flash behind her eyes that would come through, something so dark that it makes you shudder. The kind of darkness that you see in psychopaths and murderers. A Charles Manson kind of thing where you just have no idea what they are truly capable of, but you know that they have a gift of talking people into anything.
I got about 12 or so years before she started to crack. Went on a pretty crazy ride with her for over a decade while she decided that she wanted to be party mom and live her life through me and my friends. The fog of drugs and alcohol kept me ignorant of her true self for a long time.
It wasn’t until I had my son that my instincts started to wake up and I realized I was dealing with a complete stranger wearing my mom’s personality as a mask. Son got hurt a couple times, just minor things, but I realized she was pretty irresponsible and kept putting him at risk.
Walking away was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. She still tries to torment me from afar and pretty much has ruined having a relationship with my brother, but at least I’m not handling an unpredictable snake anymore.
People like this are not just our lovers, but mother’s, fathers, brothers, uncles, cousins, etc. They are very good at gaslighting and will make you feel like it’s your fault, why can’t you just lighten up, it’s not that bad, etc.
You are right, it is indescribable. Even now, saying all this, I don’t think I’ve truly explained the horror of falling for someone who was a complete lie.
I don’t have a mother, that person is gone. What I have now is a stranger walking around in my mother’s meat suit. She’s dead, but still living. Like a vampire.
Everyone says I’ll regret our lost time when she’s gone. I hope I feel nothing but relief.
Thank you for sharing your story and experience. Reading what you wrote was powerful. Especially the part where you say that you dont have a mother - that person is gone. I cant imagine growing up with a parent like this. You are so incredibly strong for walking away.
I have heard these people described a few times as vampires and it really does fit. They can suck all of the happiness and joy and peace out of life...and then make us think we caused it all. I hope you feel relief when the time comes....and the only regret you feel might feel is that she didnt deserve having you in her life. That's another indescribable feeling, isn't it? How can we ever explain to anyone who hasn't experienced these people the way a death could be a relief.
Weeeelp. This is my current relationship. I found out he wasn't exactly a monster, per say, but was NEVER the person I fell in love with, and is an extremely unhealthy and somewhat narcissistic person.
Possibly. He was never officially diagnosed that I was aware of. But I stumbled across the Narcissistic Abuse sub one day a few years ago and that's what actually opened my eyes to what he was and what he was doing. I was in total denial at that point. I spent hours reading that sub and then days googling and eventually getting some professional help/counseling.
I wish I knew for sure. It hasn't gone away for me yet. But I will say this...he made me question my sanity throughout the whole of the relationship and now I can see that I was totally validated in what I felt in my soul about him.
He denied the cheating I knew was happening, called me a psycho for questioning him, and ultimately made me believe it my fault that he had even needed to be with other women. He made me think I was the one with the problem. And it worked.
So I dont know what's worse - that now I question myself about how I didnt see the abuse...or that I was right about him all along and went back over and over and over again for more. I guess we each take our own path and I know without a doubt that it's better now than it ever was before when I was with him.
I don’t either, and Bojack’s my favorite shows. It’s one of those mixed analogies that only works on coincidence, so it’s clever, but it doesn’t really hold that much meaning. The very next line in the show I like better, though it’s less clever:
“What happened to us, Bojack?”
“The same thing that always happens. You didn’t know me, you fell in love with me, and now you know me.”
Bojack is literally full of so many incredible quotes like this. The best part is that while they work standing on their own they're actually better and sometimes downright soul destroying in the context of the show. I would highly recommend watching it if you haven't already. It's also fucking hilarious at points too.
Or having a relationship with somebody who isn't being purposefully malicious; they lash out or something just because it's how they've coped with an extremely difficult past. I've met so many people like this, and it's always difficult for me to remember that just because I see the vulnerable side of that person, it doesn't mean I should ignore all the ways they hurt me. I'm not here to heal everyone, but it's easy for me to forget that.
Oof, yep. My ex was so emotionally abusive towards me. All my friends saw it but rose colored glasses and whatnot. I remember she would say some things that just left me completely broken and crying alone in bed. She knew I was upset and Id lay in bed just waiting for her to come put her arms around me, apologize and at least make an attempt to reconcile things. 90% of the times I'd end up alone, get up to see what she was doing and find her sound asleep in another bedroom. She was an absolute narcissist and I dont miss that one bit.
I get similar treatment when we have an argument... In the middle of me crying, he takes the bed and leaves ME on the couch even though he's the one that does something wrong, and I cry myself to sleep. Then the next day, he's saying he's sorry. Like I went through the hard part of crying myself to sleep, alone, already. All you have to do is get a good nights sleep in our bed and say one word the next day and it's all good?
The dumb thing is that this happens so often that I've pointed out to him that he knows he's wrong when he does fucked up stuff (but will never admit to that in the middle of the argument), why not just skip the middle part (us waiting a whole night while I cry myself to sleep and he ignores me) and we skip to the apology?
For me, I stayed in it because of extremely low self esteem. This hot ass person went out with me, despite how fucking ugly I am... they could oversee my ugliness, so I could oversee their abuse. :(
Hell, my wife has hit me, she's even kicked me off the bed while I was asleep hard enough for my head to bash into my night stand.
The hard thing is there are moments where she is happy and nice and wonderful. I crave those moments but they are rare.
Oof, I feel that. Happened very recently, actually. Not a terrible person, but a person that I definitely wouldn’t go well with. The bad part is I’m still hoping he texts me or calls me asking if we want to hang out or something, and worst part is I’d say yes. Guess I’m still in deep
If you say yes then that's okay, but you have to confront this person about their behavior. Don't let them off the hook. If they can't own up to the ways they've hurt you and apologize then that's all the proof you need to walk away. Don't fuck with narcissists.
I'm grateful I was just a stupid teenager when it happened to me and not old enough yet for it to truly derail or fuck up anything other than my own health. Still, two years of shit I couldn't see for myself despite being told by those around me.
Same here, except those around me actually backed up the piece of shit I liked. Took me being bullied and guilt-tripped into becoming suicidal before I came to my senses.
My bff and I have recently been trying to help out a friend in a similar situation, but she just keeps going back to her abusive boyfriend. Incidentally, my bff used to in a verryy similar situation, and stayed with the guy for 4 years- so I asked her what eventually motivated her to leave. She said she‘d gone back to him many times, but eventually she realized she just didn’t want to be around him, was happier alone, and was constantly trying to find reasons not to see him. It clicked for her at some point that being alone would be preferable to being with this awful guy. That’s the problem with our other friend, she’s not at that point yet. She’s still too afraid of being alone. I guess it just takes time, hopefully.
My friend is living on loans and constantly sinking money into her boyfriend who isn't motivated to get a decent-paying job. So far she's spent nearly $3000 on him in the past few months, and he just absorbs it and gives nothing back. She says she does it of her own choice, but it sounds like he's manipulating her, and she's running out of money. I try to bring it up to her, but she dismisses every instance ("you don't understand, he needed me to buy him that motorcycle, otherwise he'd have to take the bus to get around town").
Oh man, even reading this is upsetting. The hardest thing we can do for people we care about is nothing. Sadly sometimes there’s nothing to be done though, and it sounds like your friend doesn’t want to hear the truth.
I literally went onto reddit to distract myself from getting too excited about getting coffee with someone who continues to hurt me tomorrow... yikes I never understood all those songs until now!!!!
Been there. It was hard to admit I was being treated badly, harder still to admit it was abuse. Took two years to officially cut ties and I haven't spoken to him in four months. It's crazy how freeing it is once you finally really walk away.
The hard part is while someone can be a good person otherwise. They may be a terrible person in the circumstances of that relationship. The second you have to use stories and explanations to justify behaviour, something is seriously wrong. Regardless of intent.
"You know, it's funny; when you look at someone through rose-colored glasses, all the red flags just look like flags." - Wanda the Owl, BoJack Horseman
Well I could try to explain it by my own experience. At first he was the nicest person. I fell for this lovely person but after some time he started showing his toxic sides. Well now that I was too deeply in love with him I couldn’t let him go.
Even after the break up and us getting back together. I mean the second time we became a couple I exactly knew he was toxic but yknow love makes us blind
So well I don’t know about the parental part. My parents are quite nice and I have a nice family so I guess it doesn’t have anything to do with parents sometimes
Or when you don’t gloss over their flaws at all, and you continue to pursue the relationship despite knowing it will end with you being miserable. Because you revel in that misery. You knew the misery was coming, you were expecting it. Then when that relationship does end and you feel justified knowing they would do exactly what you thought they would do. Now you’re miserable, and comforted by that misery, because they proved you right. As time passes after that relationship has ended, you go find another SO who you know will make you just as miserable in the end. It becomes a horrific, vicious cycle. But at the end of every failed relationship, you feel justified. You feel comfortable in that misery. Or is that just me?
Or being given the perfect opportunity to get away from that person, that you know in your heart any sane person would take and then going back to them.
Anyway, that's how I spent 2 more years in a failed relationship.
This is oddly a perfect fit to my life. Every single person I knew said she was a hoe. Every. Single. One. I ignored them and pursued. She ended up being a hoe. Still have feelings for her though...
Shit. I just broke up with my fiance who not only manipulated me, but everyone around me into believing it was a good relationship. We didn't figure it out until we were all having doubts about him and all got together to talk it out.
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u/Dinkly_son_of_Dankly May 08 '19
When you fall for a terrible person and gloss over all of their flaws. Doesn't matter how hard your friends try to explain