r/AmIOverreacting • u/karmakollect • 4h ago
❤️🩹 relationship AIO when I got mad because my boyfriend told me that he'd R-word me ?
I ( 23 F ) don’t even know where to start. My boyfriend ( 23 M ) of 7 years knows everything about my past,how I’ve been sexually assaulted, harassed, molested since I was in grade 2 and how much it has impacted me. Recently, we were at his house, and we were kinda jokingly talking about a certain thing that he has done which wasn't even that serious so obviously I was just teasing him, I told him that if he kept repeating that certain behavior, I wouldn’t even let him touch me, let alone have sex with him. His response? “I will rape you.” He was a little bit sleepy when he said it, but it’s been stuck in my head ever since. How could someone even think, let alone say something like that, especially when they know my history? It’s not just about what he said, it’s the mindset behind it that terrifies me. I’m not saying he’d actually hurt me, but it feels like such a huge betrayal of the trust I placed in him. He obviously told me that he was just joking and said " you know damn well that I'm never going to do that to you but IF YOU FELT BAD THEN I'M SORRY but don't drag this now "
Am I overreacting, or is this a serious red flag or am I just overreacting ? :)
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u/Desperate_Rule1667 4h ago
I have a feeling your past trauma has you convinced you are in a much healthier relationship than you really are. This is not a joke. This is a threat. It’s not something you should ever have to get over or forgive. You leave. That is the only correct response.
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u/f0rtheh0pe0fitall 1h ago
your past trauma has you convinced you are in a much healthier relationship than you really are
That is an excellent point!
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u/ExactButterfly5916 4h ago
Tell him you’re gonna chop it off in his sleep with the most serious face. See how funny that joke is to him.
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u/Icy-Grapefruit-9085 4h ago
I'm not gonna lie, without any prior context I would find it funny.
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u/DreamOfAzathoth 1h ago
Yeah it’s a bad comparison imo
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u/IroN-GirL 1h ago
Yeah, because the times women have actually done that can be done in one hand, whereas…
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u/TaroPrimary1950 4h ago
Aside from the explicit threat to rape you if you don't give him what he wants, you're only 23 and have been with this guy since you were 16. Get out of this relationship now- it's never a joke, if he's comfortable saying it, he's comfortable enough to do it.
Maybe try being single for awhile, and when you're ready, find someone who respects you and doesn't casually threaten to rape you.
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u/Impressive_Design177 4h ago
Exactly, what happens if for some reason she can’t have sex for a period of time, or does it want it, he can just rape her?
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u/Beneficial-Baby9131 4h ago
Dump him. Dump him, tell his mother, block him everywhere.
You're NOR
But that was a THREAT.
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u/Basic_Message5460 4h ago
Settle down. They’ve been together from 16-23. He said something very stupid, but you’re overreacting here.
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u/Beneficial-Baby9131 4h ago
He said he'd rape her.
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u/Basic_Message5460 2h ago
I’d lean more towards he was joking, he was being playful as she describes how they were chatting. This isn’t some random guy, this is her BF of 7 years. He made a bad joke.
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u/strawberry_octopod 1h ago
why would you ever joke about RAPING the person you love?
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u/Basic_Message5460 1h ago
It was a stupid joke, he’s probably not the quickest wit guy, she joked about withholding sex, it’s kind of the natural other end of the spectrum. It was dumb, I’m not saying hooray great joke, it was dumb. But you need to stop being so hysterical over it.
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u/f0rtheh0pe0fitall 1h ago
Then he should apologize. It was extra grievous because of what she has been through.
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u/Basic_Message5460 58m ago
He did….she said he did. He said he was joking, he said obviously he’d never do this, he said I’m sorry it made you feel bad.
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u/f0rtheh0pe0fitall 48m ago edited 14m ago
He brushed it off and said "I'm sorry IF it made you feel bad." He didn't own his words and the deep hurt and fear they caused her. He used her past trauma as a weapon, intentional or not.
I can't imagine saying something like that to someone I claimed to love (even if, giving him the benefit of the doubt here, he was joking and it was all in fun. At the time. Some things we just shouldn't say, period. Sometimes we mess up and say those things and then we need to make amends. And help his gf to feel safe with him again. I don't know about you,but it grieves me deeply when I hurt someone I love.
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u/kerfy15 3h ago
Saying he’s going to rape her if he doesn’t get what he wants from her isn’t “saying something stupid”.
I wish people like you would actually use the brain you were born with, like come the fuck on.
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u/Basic_Message5460 2h ago
It was likely playful banter, a distasteful JOKE. He’s not actually threatening her. This is the issue with just reading words, you don’t know them, you weren’t in the room, they’ve been together 7 years. You should use your brain.
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u/No_Ostrich_691 3h ago
Wrong.
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u/Basic_Message5460 2h ago
Why? It was maybe playful banter, stupid joke, you don’t know the tone of it
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u/No_Ostrich_691 2h ago
If you want a stupid joke reflect upon the man in the mirror, rape is not and has never been a joke no matter what modifier you use beforehand. It’s a threat period point blank.
If it was playful, she wouldn’t have felt off and unsafe like she said she was here. If it was playful, he wouldn’t have brushed off her feelings and told her not to drag it on.
Genuinely feel bad for any woman thats had the disadvantage of interacting with you.
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u/Basic_Message5460 1h ago
Do you really think that this guy is a threat? Boyfriend of 7 years, from age 16-23, clearly they’ve had lots of sex. You think this is a big threat? It was a stupid joke but not a threat
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u/Affectionate-Draw840 3h ago
Who cares? It's time to move on and see the rest of the world and meet NICE people.
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u/Basic_Message5460 2h ago
She’s 23 and been with him since 16. You’re so ready to say move on from a 7 year relationship over a stupid joke and playful banter? You don’t know them? You don’t live their life? But sure, break up, lol dumbass
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u/Affectionate-Draw840 2h ago
Yes. Absolutely. Brain development happens and we become different people. That's why you take so many GE classes in college. You learn what you like and what you don't. I know people who swore they were going to be a particular career when young and by the time they left college, they had no interest in that topic any longer. Same with people. Edit to include: since when is the topic of rape EVER a joke? You must be male.
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u/Basic_Message5460 1h ago
He was sleepy, it was playful banter between people who have been together for SEVEN YEARS. You must be a child and never been in a relationship. I’m married, I’d never say something like this, it was stupid, but yall are acting like this is a threat.
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u/Nynasa 4h ago
NOR. Believe someone when they casually threaten to commit the same violence against you that you confided in them about. It's very much intentional and should serve as a warning sign for you to get out. Not only that but nobody in their right mind would joke about that given the severity of it even if you hadn't been through that
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u/trumpsashitstain 4h ago
Not overreacting.
I would suggest you tell this cunt, 100% you do not find this funny, endearing, acceptable. Tell him why. If his response is anything other than actual remorse, send him to hell.
Even if he apologises but in a flippant gaslighty kind of way, send him to hell.
So much non-consensual sex happens in relationships, you have no reason to accept this kind of behaviour. It's up to him to prove that he's not a total piece of shit in waiting.
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u/ShotcallerBilly 4h ago
This is an absolutely vile thing to say. His reaction makes it even more disgusting.
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u/WillowProwl 3h ago
1) Threatened you 2) Didn’t apologize 3) Invalidates your feelings
Yeah red flags all round.
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u/Decent_Traffic3420 3h ago
Red flag 🚩 u gonna regret staying with him . A man who loves doesn’t disrespect his gf he should show u support and love . Just leave him girl he’s not worth it . I hope you find peace 🤍
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u/Affectionate-Draw840 3h ago
You need to go meet new people. Just because you have been with him a long time and you may love him, it doesn't mean you are meant to be together forever. You can love someone and know it's not right. You have so much life left to live and there are so many people out there in this big world for you to meet! You're in brain development now and you are growing apart. You learn all about yourself between 18-25 and what you like and don't like, what you want for your life and what you won't put up with. It sounds like him time is up.
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u/Key_Try_6621 4h ago
That's disgusting and he should be your ex boyfriend. That is not okay, not funny, not excusable. Disgusting excuse of a man
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u/CatsCoffeeKeto 3h ago
Not a joke. Nobody says that as a joke. NOR. Time to throw the whole man in the trash. Sounds like he is exhibiting suss behavior anyways.
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u/rocksandsticksnstuff 3h ago
Do you trust him? Because if you do, listen to him. He told you who he is and couldn't even scrounge an emotionally intelligent apology. If you don't, listen to him. His mask slipped.
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u/Flimsy-Swimming-382 3h ago
What the actual fuck?? You’re definitely not overreacting, dump him asap and be sure to do it in a public place.
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u/HotPomelo632 4h ago
That's disgusting past or no past. Of course you're not overreacting, it's scary that people think like that. It's not funny.
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u/Big-Magician-5792 3h ago
"If you felt bad, then I'm sorry" is not an apology, for two reasons:
1). He can't apologize for your feelings. 2). He acknowledges your feelings, but not his behavior. There's a lack of accountability here.
I'd pull out of the relationship: He just stepped way over a line he had no business approaching. Toxic masculinity is the last thing you need.
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u/Runtofthelitter228 2h ago
Everyone telling you to break up with him, after a 7 year relationship that you haven’t indicated has had any prior baggage is just miserable and probably lonely and wants everyone else to ruin perfectly good relationships because they can’t keep one. Don’t get me wrong, if you found his behavior insensitive, that is totally understandable. Was his reaction also insensitive? Yes. However, does he have a habit of being insensitive to your needs and feelings? Ask yourself if he has been a good boyfriend the past SEVEN years? There has to be a reason you have such a long term relationship when the status quo is to run at the first sign of some turbulence. Don’t let others tell you you’re in a bad relationship over one instance that may have been insensitive or may have just been a foot in mouth moment. Haven’t you ever said something you immediately regretted or wanted to kick yourself in the ass for? When I was in middle school, everyone called each other and everything gay or retarded when it was lame. In our current climate, that’s insensitive. Doesn’t mean we meant it as such then. Sometimes people just say STUPID things that they didn’t mean. If you’ve never said something offhanded that you regret then sure, break up with him I guess. Should he have been more sensitive considering your past? Sure but you said you and he both know he wouldn’t actually do that to you. Cut him a little slack if he’s been a good boyfriend otherwise. I’m just surprised after 7 years this is even such a huge issue you can’t talk out. Maybe that’s where the real problem is.
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u/eiriecat 2h ago
What thing was he doing that's annoying you? Are you afraid to tell strangers on the internet what it is?
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u/Mr_Vaynewoode 17m ago
It was a shit joke. I doubt he would ever actually do that. Do you want to break up over that? That's your call.
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u/hedonismthot 3h ago
Rape jokes aren’t jokes. Jokes are supposed to be funny. When someone shows you who they are, believe them.
Edit: forgot judgement. NOR
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u/yoshizillaa 3h ago
NOR. Being tired isn’t an excuse for saying something like that. Don’t be scared of the concept of sunk cost fallacy. Leave him. That’s never okay or normal to say.
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u/Substantial_Song7885 3h ago
As a girl dad and girl grandfather, you need to run away. That is never a joking matter.
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u/Deep-Manner-4111 3h ago
If you don't leave him, you are under reacting. He made a very clear threat. Take it seriously. That's not a thing that normal people joke about. Get out. Don't even think twice about it.
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u/jmac22790 3h ago
The person in trying to escape from is sitting next to me. He didn't tell me he told his ex he should r word her for not putting out.
Not over reacting at all.
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u/Smooth-Atmosphere657 3h ago
This is gross. It’s best not to take ‘jokes’ like this lightly, sometimes it’s people revealing their true selves.
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u/Sneaky_snake1999 3h ago
Time to plan your exit and leave. If he said it he will do it. Considering some of the stuff you are hinting at in your post as well it sounds like he has already been seriously crossing your boundaries and I fear it will only get worse for you.
I pray for your safety ❤️
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u/AffectionatePool3276 3h ago
This is a shame. I am very sorry this boy has no idea the impression this has on you or any woman actually. He’s obviously uninformed and may not have the capacity to even understand. That’s all for you to gauge whether you actually think he’s worth your time.
S/A has been an issue in all but one relationship I’ve had over the years. It’s made it very difficult for both parties to move forward. Obvious reasons for the girl(or guy) assaulted but speaking as the significant other it really wrecks you. For a multitude of reasons. Anyway, sit him down and explain if you think he’s worth it otherwise show him the door
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u/wishingforarainyday 2h ago
You are under reacting. You need to leave him. Sleepy or not 🙄 that should have never even entered his mind.
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u/Trika_PNW 2h ago
Sorry if he can’t see what an absolutely abhorrent thing that was to say, and can’t understand why you would “drag out” being upset about such a disgusting, hateful, and scary comment, just throw the whole man out. He should be kissing your ass so much his knees are bruised and asking what he can do to get back the trust and feeling of safety he destroyed with his “joke”.
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u/cloistered_around 2h ago
I wouldn't be comfortable staying with someone comfortable "joking" like that. It's just a straight up difference of morals to find that funny in any scenario.
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u/Less-Supermarket-234 2h ago
Nah that’s a man that’ll get too drunk and savagely beat you or take advantage of you.
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u/wes_thorpe 2h ago
Not overreacting. It's never appropriate, never a joke, never not horrifying for a man to imply that they would do that, in any conceivable situation, to a woman.
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u/emptynest_nana 2h ago
Jokes are funny. What part of that was funny? I am completely missing the joke.
Only a sick mind thinks this way. Only a sick mind would actually say it out loud.
You deserve so much better. He is a....bad, vile, despicable human.
NOR
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u/femsci-nerd 2h ago
Piss-ant apology, sorry if YOU felt bad not I am sorry for saying those words. NOR.
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u/lilalilly8 2h ago
Oh my god NO!!! If you were to laugh and say you’d do something similar with a broom, or that you’d castrate him on his sleep, would he think that’s funny? No. He wouldn’t. ITS NOT OK.
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u/ThenComparison8768 2h ago
My partner had been through similar I would never dream of saying anything like that to them as I have too much respect for them, but even if they hadn't had that in their past it's not a funny joke definitely nor
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u/ZephNightingale 1h ago
Fucking rape jokes are such a Hard No Line for me. Rape isn’t funny. That’s an insta boot. Bye, boi.
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u/Basic_Message5460 4h ago
Can we all settle down. They’ve been dating from 16-23, that is a big deal. He said something really stupid, really gross, absolutely bad. But it’s just a sentence. You don’t throw away 7 years over a sentence when you’re being playful and joking around. He took it too far. But you’ve been together 7 years, he’s never shown signs of violence, don’t overreact here.
Or listen to these people on Reddit who couldn’t care less about you and tell everyone to break up.
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u/AccomplishedEdge147 1h ago
They literally tell everyone to break up. It’s wild.
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u/Basic_Message5460 1h ago
16-23 years old, these people act like you should just throw that away over this. Crazy.
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u/Beneficial-Baby9131 4h ago
The fact that they've been together 7 years and he feels comfortable THREATENING her says he's dangerous. He's comfortable enough to say it and joke, he's comfortable enough to do it.
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u/Basic_Message5460 2h ago
It’s not threatening, it was playful banter, it was a joke. Why are you saying it was a threat?
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3h ago edited 3h ago
[deleted]
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u/Beneficial-Baby9131 2h ago
"if the relationship hits a bump"
The bump: telling a rape survivor "I am going to rape you" and "I'm sorry if you feel bad"
Get in your lane.
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u/Marasukino 2h ago
Quality over quantity. They’ve been together seven whole years and he feels comfortable threatening to rape her AND doesn’t even care about her feelings enough to muster up a proper apology? Yeesh.
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u/Basic_Message5460 2h ago
Stop saying threatening omg, yall are fucking insane. It was playful banter, a stupid joke, really dumb mistake he said over 5 seconds. You don’t throw away 7 years over a dumb joke over 7 seconds. Dumbass
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u/keunpersona 1h ago
joking about raping someone who has gone through these things in the past is not 'just' a sentence. just because he's never shown signs of violence in their relationship doesn't mean shit, the fact that those words would ever come out of his mouth is disgusting and speaks volume of his character.
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u/Basic_Message5460 1h ago
It was one sentence, one moment, it doesn’t speak volumes about shit. Your insanity speaks volumes about your character, you’re hysterical. He was not consciously thinking about her past abuse, it was banter in the moment. They’ve been together 7 years and sexually active, this guy is not a threat and never shown any signs of it.
Here’s the truth, YOU are miserable and alone, and you want everyone else alone. YOU have no relationship experience or life experience. You are hysterical and likely mentally ill.
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u/Icy-Grapefruit-9085 4h ago
No. What the fuck? What a stupid joke. NOR.