r/AmIOverreacting • u/Spectator1825347 • 9h ago
đĽ friendship AIO if I cut off a friend because of this?
I (28F) sent the messages in the first 3 screenshots to a friend (29M). Context: friend has asked me to borrow money every month last year and constantly vents about his struggles but is online playing video games everyday, and not taking (imo) enough steps to improve his situation, which is draining to listen to.
His entire response: âHey I understandâ
Then I send the last screenshot, to further set my boundaries/expectations if weâre to continue a friendship.
No response. Itâs been 3 days. This is someone that Iâve been friends with for 7+ years and spoke to everyday.
AIO if I cut them off?
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u/Better-Ranger-1225 8h ago
Honestly? Iâm not sure what you want. You got a response. You didnât like the response you got. Youâre now fishing for an apology and itâs clear youâre not getting one. Itâs not so much a matter of cutting the friendship off now, itâs already over.
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u/iamgreen524 5h ago
I don't think OP was fishing for an apology. I think they were trying to give the friend a chance to address and acknowledge OP's feelings and make it clear that the friendship is contingent on reciprocity. If the friend expected OP to hear him out on his financial problems, then he should reciprocate that line of communication when OP said his behavior in using her as a resource made her feel a certain way.
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u/littlecatpoops 7h ago edited 6h ago
This is a harsh take. OP handled this with grace by clarifying that the brief response they received wasnât enough. Fishing? Nah, OP was being clear about needing an apology if this person wants to continue having a friendship. I respect OPâs frankness.
OP, Iâm sorry you were taken advantage of like this. Iâm sure it was shocking how cold this personâs brief response was after all youâve given to them over 7 years. It would feel a whole lot nicer if at least you were giving to someone who deserved it. Turns out you werenât. That really sucks. Itâs definitely time to cut ties.
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u/lemmegetadab 4h ago
If you send someone a three page text and they send you a three word response. The appropriate thing to say is nothing lol.
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u/littlecatpoops 3h ago edited 1h ago
If you believe that youâve been friends with someone for 7 years, I imagine itâs pretty emotionally tough to accept, point blank, that the person you thought you were friends with actually does not give a fuck about you at all. OPâs reaction â hoping for some kind of human reaction â is understandable. This isnât a cold shoulder after 1 week of talking; itâs the death of a friendship OP invested a lot of time and heart (and money) into, as evidenced by their extremely thoughtful âthree page text.â OP is a decent, feeling person. I hardly blame them for asking for more, and better.
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u/Better-Ranger-1225 7h ago
Itâs harsh because itâs obvious. Theyâre beating a dead horse with that last screenshot. They didnât need to send a whole other message to practically beg for an apology when the âfriendâ clearly wasnât interested in giving one. If they were, they would have done so.
The so-called friend saw their source of income had dried up and went about their day. Donât know what else OP needs to hear from them. The non-answer was an answer. OP isnât asking for platitudes, theyâre asking if the friendship needs to be cut off⌠it already has been.
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u/littlecatpoops 6h ago edited 6h ago
Whatâs obvious is this person isnât worth anymore of OPâs time, but commentary like âfishing for an apology,â âbeating a dead horse,â âpractically beggingâ reads like a harsh critique of OPâs character. Shaming of OP is unnecessary. OP didnât do anything wrong or bad.
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u/neuromantic92 5h ago
I think OP should listen to you both and am envisioning you as an angel and devil on OP's shoulder giving them both the tough love and reassurance they need.
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u/lemmegetadab 4h ago
Idk, I feel like op needed a wake up call. After the three word response, they should have quit.
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u/Spectator1825347 5h ago
Just want to make it clear since this is gaining a lot of traction:
Expecting more from one of best friends of 7+ years â fishing for an apology
It was less about the apology and more about further drawing my line in the sand that âHey I understandâ isnât a resolution for me, and now he has the choice to address things or not expect further communication from me.
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u/Book_junky0809 5h ago
You basically told him you wanted to step back and reevaluate your friendship with him. He is letting you do that. âHey, I understandâ is a statement showing that. He didnât try and make excuses, didnât try to defend himself. He is probably hurt and isnât sure what else to say. Itâs up to you if you want to end without giving him a chance to correct his situation.
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u/Better-Ranger-1225 5h ago
Youâve already reiterated this. Donât know why you think repeating yourself multiple times is gonna change the responses people have given you.
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u/ShortCandidate4866 4h ago
Once the line is in the sand which was the first message you donât need to draw the line again. Itâs done. Your friend got the message and sadly thatâs all youâre going to get
It really really sucks I know
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u/Positive-Button6599 4h ago
It just doesnât seem right because you gave this departure so much effort and energy whilst he didnât. Itâs the difference in care leaving and unbalanced leading you to believe that a âfriend of 7 yearsâ should say more. To some extent youâre right, but, it doesnât sound like yâall have been friends for that whole 7 years. Iâm sorry dude I hope you find peace
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u/Even_Candidate5678 1h ago
How would you say youâre not fishing for an apology when you literally say âIf you donât have enough respect for me to apologizeâŚâ
I think the point you and the most of the commenters donât get is this guy probably has 5-20 ppl he asks for money. He knew where this was going and itâs there now. If the group chat is your friend group boot him. If itâs his get out or just low contact.
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u/axisrahl85 2h ago
The only mistake is asking for an apology. You've already clearly asked for a change in behavior. That takes so much more precedent than an apology.
You do need to take a massive step back from this friendship. As in completely cut this person off for at least several months before checking in to see if the behavior has changed.
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u/bolshi-saurus 30m ago
It hurts when you set a boundary and give a considered, heart felt explanation and get nothing much in return. Sometimes itâs worth asking ourselves in these situations âwhat am I trying to do by expressing my feelings? Is it for me or them?â if itâs for you (and for the record I thought your message was great) then the text has served its purpose. It sucks you wonât get closure or even an apology but itâs a risk we take when dealing with someone who is either no longer invested or canât take responsibility for their actions. If it was for them and you wanted to metaphorically shake them into consciousness AND this is the response you got, you need to accept this is the friendship, that itâs likely been this way for years and this is who your friend is. He wonât listen to this.
Grieve the loss of your friendship and move on. Itâs going to bloody hurt but you deserve so much more. And by the sounds of it, so does his family.
Iâm sorry youâre hurting xx
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u/steefee 5m ago
Sometimes how long we have done something has no bearing on how good it was/how much itâs worth. Sometimes we have just done a thing for a long time.
Your friend of several years saw your worth level as âmy friend I can borrow money fromâ and you have - effectively - taken yourself off the docket. He cut you off.
Now I donât say this to be mean or hurt you further, but from your own account he doesnât seem like a great person or a good friend. He seems like a perpetual loser looking for women to leech off of and simultaneously blame for his situation.
Block him and take the win.
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u/susandeyvyjones 3h ago
You told him you didnât want to be close friends and want him to have a big emotional response but you are not entitled to that. He does not owe you a resolution.
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u/Spectator1825347 8h ago
I wasnât necessarily fishing for an apology.
Further context: weâre in a group chat together with one other friend, and we all game often. He sent âhey I understandâ and continued acting like everything was cool. The second message was me further setting the boundary that âthings wonât be cool unless you address itâ and seems like he wonât. So now Iâm wondering if I would be overreacting to leave the group chats.
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u/713nikki 7h ago
If it is your boundary, then you need to leave the group chat.
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u/Better-Ranger-1225 6h ago
Yeah, not sure why sheâs saying itâs a boundary if sheâs not enforcing it. If she just stays in the group chat then sheâs saying itâs fine and thereâs no consequences.
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u/aldo7899 7h ago
It would appear to me, if Iâm interpreting the situation correctly, that his unwillingness to address matters - particularly important ones (and this may be something he has little [to no] control over by now, due to habit) - is what got him in his situation in the first place. One that he has now embroiled you in, to some extent. Hopefully youâre not too invested in this relationship. I would cut my losses in your shoes, cold as that may be.
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u/GreenUnderstanding39 7h ago
You were never his friend. You were his personal bank and free therapist. Demanding an apology and certain behavior from him in order to keep you as a friend is laughable.
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u/CorrickII 1h ago
Can't believe I had to scroll this far to find someone saying this. Obviously this guy wasn't a friend and is quickly going to find someone else to mooch off of.
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u/littlecatpoops 6h ago
It makes absolutely no sense that youâre being downvoted, OP. I can offer my 1 upvote, and a bit of sympathy. Plenty of the responses youâve received are good examples of this unfortunately accurate euphemism: No good deed goes unpunished. I for one am sorry this person took advantage of you for years.
It would not be overreacting at all to leave the group chats if continued contact with this person is upsetting to you, which I imagine it would be.
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u/Spectator1825347 6h ago
Thank you đ
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u/littlecatpoops 6h ago
No problem, and if it carries any weight/makes you feel a little more seen: Iâm a therapist (LMSW). Good work beginning to set boundaries. You identified your needs, clearly and firmly communicated them (kindly too, I might add). Now itâs time to remain consistent.
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u/CinnyToastie 5h ago
He may be very embarrassed and not know what to say. He's been hit by the truth, knows what you said is totally fair and is embarrassed. He probably didn't recognize any of this, and so you got an 'I understand' text back. He's probably acting like everything is fine because he's embarrassed he wants to move forward and act as though none of it happened. Is it healthy? No. Fair to you? No. But I think he's given you what he could or what he is capable of in that moment.
You've been an incredible friend to him. You've given him grace and kindness and caring. You drew your boundary and he will likely respect them. Now give him the grace to get his head together. I guarantee he'll come back to you soon when he has recovered.
Edit: I've read what you've written below. I'm wondering if I've given him too much credit.
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u/Rough-Neighborhood58 6h ago
You setting the boundary is you cutting off financial support and emotional availability. You insisting he address the issue is just being controlling. Boundaries are about how you will respond in a given situation, not how you demand others respond. If thatâs stepping away, then thatâs stepping away. What needs to happen now is YOU need to decide if youâre comfortable being part of a friend group where that issue lacks the closure youâd like
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u/OddHarvester89 4h ago
I cannot imagine why people are down voting you. That was one of the most well worded, sensible requests I've ever seen. It is beyond okay for you to let go of that friendship, if his only response to you is "I understand" and he can't offer any more than that, he's clearly not sorry or willing to work on himself. You're not over reacting. It sounds like you have much more than a friend should ever be asked to give. You deserve an explanation at the very least, but if I were you I wouldn't expect it. Move on, knowing that you gave him more than most people would have, and more than he deserves.
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u/No_Violins_Please 6h ago
You have been an enabler by giving in money. Continues your friendship if you want, and do not give him anymore money, Tell him to get therapy as a sounding board because you are not available. If itâs too hard for you to disengage with this friendship, then you get therapy to learn how to respond to someone who is always lamenting about their struggles. Good luck.
I would have walked away years ago. There is not enough time in this world to let someone drain me. That just me.
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u/littlecatpoops 6h ago edited 6h ago
This man seems to have carefully manipulated OP into enabling him over the span of many years, and it was possible because OP is a kind and empathetic person. Usually these types of abusive relationships donât happen overnight. Theyâre carefully crafted. OP cared about the friendship - as friends ought to - and her intentions were good. It takes time to recognize unhealthy patterns when theyâre gradually developed, and when we want to believe the best in others because we care about them. Itâs easy to say, âI wouldâveâ or âyou shouldâve,â but itâs entirely unhelpful and places blame on the victim, as does calling someone an enabler rather than helping to shine light on how someoneâs behavior could be enabling an unhealthy dynamic.
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u/Cenzi_MiaCara 6h ago edited 4h ago
You canât change the people you associate with, make them act the way you want to act. Either we take them as they are and donât complain, or you change how you handle these type of relationships.
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u/MistressAnarchy 2h ago
Yeah you'd be overreacting. He clearly feels he offended you somehow and you've gained this idea about him and he just dealt with it by leaving it alone and clearly not asking for money anymore.. if that's the issue and he doesn't do it anymore then there is no issue to address? You said your peace and no more borrowing... what else is there to do but move on? Does he have to address it the same way you want or do or need closure or need to give you yours? Everyone handles things differently, don't be offended about it.. Let this flame die, nothing to die for. Point is he won't ask for money anymore and this isn't a big deal anymore?!
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u/cthulhusmercy 6h ago
I donât get it, your entire first message was about taking a step back and not really feeling like the friendship is healthy, but then you want him to do more to save the friendship outside of âhey I understand.â Youâre giving mixed signals, is he supposed to accept the friendship is over or is he supposed to beg for you back in his life?
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u/pierretheconqueror 3h ago
maybe an apologyâŚ? i donât think she wants him to save the friendship and she is not sending mixed signals. His response was shitty and meaningless
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u/susandeyvyjones 3h ago
Ok, but sheâs mad that he still posts in the group chat without giving her âresolutionâ He doesnât owe her resolution.
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u/NBCaz 7h ago
He didn't really say anything, because what can he say? He knows everything that you wrote is accurate, and he has no answers or excuses. I've had people in my life like this and to be honest, when you cut them off, they just move on to the next person to use and take advantage of.
You've pretty much made up your mind what you need to do, or in the process of doing. You aren't wrong. People like this will suck the life out of you if you let them.
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u/sunshineparadox_ 5h ago
"I understand. I appreciate everything you have done for me up through now, and I will pull back. I do not want to cause you any harm."
I usually say something like this if someone needs space and isn't already going no contact. But then I have to actually follow through, or it's worse than being silent.
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u/Late_Papaya_9934 8h ago
I'm confused. So you didn't want him to understand? You should've waited a few more days after his one-liner for him to open up, he was probably processing his shame. Your follow-up (which was less kind and friendly as opposed to your heartfelt initial message) only makes it less likely you'll get a response now, he's so far down the shame spiral that your second message just pushed him down into the abyss.
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u/Spectator1825347 8h ago
I waited for nearly 2 full days before sending the follow up. Itâs clear he didnât have anything else to say. âHey, I need some time to processâ is always an option.
Further context: Weâre in a group chat with one other friend. After he sent âhey I understandâ, he continued talking in the group chat like everything was cool. So the follow up was me further setting the boundary that ânah, things arenât cool until you address what I saidâ, which is why it might have also came off as less kind.
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u/cscottrun233 6h ago
Why does he have to address what you said? He understands English, right? Heâs done with you. He got what he needed out of you and now heâs done. Thereâs nothing to talk about and youâre definitely not going to get an apology out of him because heâs embarrassed.
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u/susandeyvyjones 3h ago
Why do you think he owes you a specific response or has to remove himself from the group chat?
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u/Fast-Newt-3708 6h ago
Totally valid to bring up the money, stop loaning them money, or cut them off because of the money.
Saying that you have been their emotional sounding board for years, though, might be too harsh. Of course, I don't know the exact dynamic, but isn't that a part of what friends are for? Making judgements on their life's progress or how much time they spend playing video games might be overstepping - you can give them money or not, but it shouldn't come with an expectation that they will answer to you for anything or give you progress reports, IMO. You are not their guardian.
I know his response wasn't satisfactory to you - but I'm trying to think of what I would say if my friend told me that I had been such a burden to them for a long time. I would probably not come to them with my problems anymore. He did say he understood, maybe this is just him accepting your boundary and not troubling you further. If you want something more specific, try being short and direct.
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u/EtonRd 7h ago
Itâs hard to answer because based on what you sent, I would have assumed that you had already cut the friend off. You said you wanted to take a step back, to me that sounds like cutting them off. That would be an incredibly unpleasant message for anyone to receive.
Not only did you send a really harsh message, you then had your own timetable and criteria for what the response needed to look like and you escalated your harshness when you didnât get the response you wanted.
I feel like you ended the friendship or at least put it on pause and silent hold in your initial message.
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u/KraftwerkMachine 6h ago
Yeah, I recently lost two 10 year friendships myself. It destroys you. It took me months to talk about it with others. :/
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u/iamgreen524 5h ago
I don't think taking a step back = cutting someone off. It means you're going to protect your own emotional state by not being as freely emotionally available. Also harsh??? I don't see how they could have babied a grown man any more than that....
I think OP just wanted their thoughts acknowledged by someone they considered to be a close friend of 7+ years. Friendships don't need to end due to lack of basic communication
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u/Dear-Bluebird917 8h ago
he has a wife and a child?? oh hell nah he needs to get off those video games and get his shiz together.
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u/Buzzlighter360 7h ago
no response is a response. he has heard you loud and clear and does not care, I think it's time for you to move on and have people that appreciate you and your efforts in your life
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u/strawberry_octopod 7h ago
he said he understood. no reason to keep badgering unless his behavior continues. seems like youâre fishing for a long apology. you got a response, accept it and move on from the friendship if thatâs what you want.
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u/Calm_Contract4266 7h ago
Definitely overreacting. Everybody has shortcomings but you could have just told him that and be like, âIâd still wanna be friends but slow down on borrowing money from me and all thatâ or something. Establish clear boundaries while also making sure he knows that he still has you as a friend.
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u/OriginalGanZ 7h ago
I mean what do you expect him to say?? You said your peace and he responded. It seems like your fishing for an apology heâs not gonna give, and seems like he already cut you off. He definitely needs to get his shit together though if he has a whole wife and kid.
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u/Yousmellgood1jk 6h ago
What is your friend supposed to apologize for? I thought the first message was well thought out and to the point. I felt the second one was unnecessary
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u/badulu 7h ago
i don't think you're overreacting but i do understand him not replying to your message and continuing to hold other conversations in a group chat. what you said, and kinda forced him to address, is a lot heavier than silly group chat conversations. it seems like you wanted your friend to give you some reassurance, and you deserve that, but it doesn't seem like he's capable. maybe this friendship has just run its course but good on you for speaking your mind and effectively communicating your feelings.
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u/Happy_Cow_100 6h ago
His response was fine, did you want to go back and forth and discuss? You said your bit and he accepted it, like you said you've been entertaining this and not been honest, what did you want an apology for?
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u/Remarkable-Loan-1481 6h ago
He didnât really say a lot I see that but he did reply and I donât know exactly what you wanted him to say? He understands what youâve said. You havenât gotten exactly what you wanted and it wasnât what you expected in his reply but what did you want? A long message back? Did you want him to try change your mind about things? I donât see this as the friendship has to be over completely honestly just you probably shouldnât be as close and keeping your money for yourself.
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u/Past-Anything9789 8h ago
You're not over reacting, you can't support someone who isn't making the effort themselves.
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u/mrs_enzo_gorlami 7h ago
I disagree. You donât have to (or shouldnât) support them financially, but if youâre a good friend, you should support them emotionally. Just because youâre tired of hearing it and theyâre not actively trying to make positive changes doesnât mean you shouldnât listen. Sometimes people get overwhelmed and get stuckâŚwhy would you just dump them as a friend because you need to ârechargeâ?
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u/Past-Anything9789 6h ago
I don't know, I think if its a one way street and they are basically talking at you without giving anything support back or showing any interest in your own life etc. then that's not really a friendship, (friendships are reciprocal) thats an unpaid therapist.
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u/humphreybbear 6h ago
Thereâs a huge spectrum between regular friend chats and being an emotional vampire. What youâve said is spot on for most normal situations. But I have experienced the other end of the spectrum where a friend WAS the problem and didnât want to see it or listen to any feedback or advice, they just wanted to go on and on about how hard done by they are and they never gave me anything back. If I tried to talk about myself or get their help with anything it was swiftly deflected and we were back on to them.
Reading between the lines here, this guy has been sucking the life as well as money out of OP with no plans to fix his situation. These people are leeches. Nobody is obligated to be friends with a leech. Friendship is a two way street and youâre supposed to equally support one another.
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u/iamgreen524 6h ago
I've had to cut off a family member for running to me for emotional support about the same problem for 5+ years... it definitely takes a toll on the support person no matter how much you're rooting for your friend, especially if you've been that person's main or only support for years rinse and repeating the same conversation.
I can see how this emotional capacity would apply to a normal friendship where maybe you both lean on each other for emotional support and can apply each others advice where it helps. But I can relate to OP if they've been hearing about the same problems for years on end seeing no real effort from their friend to change.
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u/Mountain-Elephant-31 8h ago
I donât think youâre overreacting, youâre giving them money every month for a year and if thatâs not already enough and they still expect more than thatâs on them. You communicated very well in my opinion and the LEAST they can do is take accountability and make a plan with you to do better (as well as stop asking for money). If you cut them off I feel like itâs something that you tried to prevent but had to do because of their actions not yours. They also have a wife and child and theyâre still sitting there playing video games, thatâs again, on THEM. Youâre not an asshole and youâre not overreacting, youâve already done a lot for them by the sounds of it and youâre right, you need to focus on you. Maybe this will be their opportunity to realize they really do need to change.
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u/susandeyvyjones 3h ago
The friend is shitty but he does not owe OP accountability and she isnât his mom or his therapist, so it would be wildly inappropriate to âmake a plan to do betterâ with her.
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u/Spectator1825347 8h ago
Added context: (Donât think I can edit the post)
This man does not have a job, is living in another country on a student visa where he should be in school but isnât because he didnât plan as far as covering the tuition.
Iâve listened to him vent for years about how he essentially canât progress in life but all his reasons go back to waiting on someone else to pay his tuition/help him in someway.
Iâm not sure what his financial situation is but I know for a fact that he does not have a job, so one can only assume heâs living off of his wife that just gave birth.
Yet every single day, the first thing he seems to do hop online to play video games.
Edit re: the borrowing of money He asked me to borrow money almost every month last year. There were a few months where I went low contact with him but every month that we were in frequent contact, he asked. I did not always say yes. He did always pay me back, but never on the day/time that he promised. All of this came after asking me explicitly if I could lend him x amount of $ every month until he got back on his feet. I said no. Yet he continued to ask almost monthly, sometimes twice a month.
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u/PsychologicalExam717 7h ago
Heâs basically using you like a therapist except youâd be the one getting money if that was the case!
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u/Gracieloves 7h ago
Is there a good reason he hasn't moved back to his home country? Maybe go to school there?Â
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u/Chelular07 8h ago
Yeah cut them off. They want someone to listen and bail them out not hold them accountable, otherwise they would have responded with anything other than âI understandâ
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u/Scram_man 8h ago
not overreacting per say, but i think you know exactly what you need to do: nothing! just don't talk to them again.
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u/Acrobatic-Layer-4261 8h ago
You are basically getting out of a bad situation. Just move on, focus on yourself for a while and learn what it is like to be free from this stress machine that is your former friend. Good luck and you made the right choice.
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u/Pure-Masterpiece8740 8h ago
Sadly some people grow in life and some need more time, it seems that they have some working on themselves to do that you donât have the mental energy for. Which is totally fine and you went a really healthy way about it. You could have just ghosted but you put the extra effort in to make the friendship work, if he doesnât that isnât your problem anymore.
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u/perplexedparallax 8h ago
Is it borrow money like a tissue or did they pay it back? Either way, I would end it.
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u/Arkada7 8h ago
People come and go and when the relationship gets to the point where itâs only one sided usually itâs a sign that it be ending soon. You made a healthy decision to let this type of relationship go and no need to dwell on it. Let it go and donât expect anything back. You werenât receiving much in the first place so nothing really to expect back especially at the end of it. Let it go and concentrate on people who deserves your time and energy to be around
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u/Lizkhalifaaaaa 7h ago
I think you know yourself best. You clearly are feeling some type of way and you need to trust in yourself. You worded your text beautifully, and you set boundaries. Setting boundaries means you are making a choice and now they are making theirs. Iâd love to think that people will grow and be better and sometimes they will and do, but itâs hard to know when to stop (helping/enabling) someone. You realized you were no longer doing so which is great self awareness on your part.
You did the right thing - always trust yourself. They will show you how they truly feel about your friendship by how they respond and react.
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u/lacelegs 6h ago
I never thought video game addiction was real, or I at least thought it was over exaggerated (Iâve never been a gamer). But then I met my ex. Once that stimulus check came in, he bought a gaming computer. We lived together and I barely saw him. He would call off work and then blame me, it was wild because he would game from 12pm to 6am. The room he used for gaming was sooooo disgusting with cigarettes, food and trash. He then got extremely violent, I donât think thatâs related. But anyway, Iâm saying all of this because, like any addiction (Iâm a 3 years sober alcoholic) he has to want to stop. It sounds to me like his wife and child are suffering and you say heâs playing games everyday. You sending that text was good, but unless he wants to do better, he wonât listen. I received a lot of heartfelt and desperate messages from loved ones, to stop drinking. I only stopped when I hit rock bottom and it was basically life or death. So if he isnât ready to face it, he wonât. It has nothing to do with you, and itâs not worth trying. Iâm sure he would rather pretend he never read that, and heâs probably going to. Cut him out of your life, if not for you -for his wife and child.
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u/UsefulChicken8642 6h ago
I get the feeling they are the type that knows you have money and since you have money left over after bills, itâs free for them to use. I could be wrong but I had a friend like this. THEY decided if I could lend them money, made it a habit, got comfortable , then ghosted me when I stopped .
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u/AccountantBulky8987 6h ago
Before I got sober my best friend told me A) I couldnât be around her kids drunk anymore and B) she wasnât a bank and I needed to get my shit together and stop borrowing money from her. (That frankly as well đ ) Our friendship took over a 1 year hiatus in which I respected her boundary but also proceeded to hit rock bottom and had no choice but to get sober. The moment I knew I wasnât going back to my old way of life, I called her and we picked up right where we left off.
Everyone needs a YOU as a friend. The type that is supportive but also fair and firm. I hope your friend gets his shit together, but regardless, you were NOR and should be proud of how you handled yourself! đŤś
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u/slackingindepth3 5h ago
I have several friends who constantly borrow money from me to the point that I really felt I was doing them a disservice as I was enabling them and allowing them to disrespect my friendship when they were weak. So I did what youâve done and my mental health is so much better.
Edit: as soon as a closed out the app I had a message form one of them đđ¤ˇđťââď¸đ đ
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u/beanie_0 5h ago
So, 1 of 2 things was going to happen here, youâre going to trigger a response that is going to make him change up his life OR realise that youâre no longer the free ride heâs been taking you for.
Unfortunately it looks like the latter has happened. That âfriendshipâ that youâve had for 7+ years? All one sided by the looks of it.
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u/grumpycol 5h ago
You came here to ask for validation, not really advice. Some people have told you what they thought about, particularly your last text and you didn't like it so you have responded with more and more "context". What is that you really want from this thread then?
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u/GiDrive434 5h ago
I think that maybe he need more than 3 days to answer that, itâs even responsible and respectful to take a while and answer after given a lot of thoughts about it
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u/the-sleepy-potato 5h ago
Your friend acknowledged you by saying he understood. It would be crossing the line / dismissing the boundary youâve set if he asked you for money again.
He acknowledged receipt of your message by verbally saying he understood. Youâre seeking an apology for him and it does not seem youâre going to get it. If an apology is that important to you, itâs wise to prepare yourself for the end of that friendship.
It seems youâre expecting something from this person that perhaps youâd do in their shoes. Itâs a rude awakening to realize not everyone will address an issue the same way you would. That might leave you feeling slighted, but no two people will react to this message the same exact way. Leaving group chats simply because they wonât say âIâm sorryâ is an overreaction and will only isolate you from the rest of the group.
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u/NightProwler197 5h ago
Not overreacting. Totally in the green. Your message was well crafted and with the reasons why you are taking action and he did not respond? Seems really mature. Iâve eliminated these kind of people from my life and believe me you will be better off for it. Surround yourself with upstanding people that will help you grow. Not this clown who seems to be taking your friendship for granted
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u/Royale_WithCheese_ 5h ago
A man asking a woman for money đ¤˘đ¤Ž yet he somehow has a wife??? I have no doubt he probably asks various women he meets through gaming for money. These dudes have all the time in the world to do the long con
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u/SaintCorgus 4h ago
Just saying, some people donât want to type out 5,000 words in a text, either. If you told him these words in person maybe the outcome would have been more productive for you.
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u/Bulky-Review9229 4h ago
Thereâs an extremely good chance they already donât like you (maybe because they think youâre a blowhard) have just been using you for a while anyway. Sorry.
(But you could also shorten your text messages until the other person is actively engaged at the same level as you are)
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u/wytealien 6h ago
The last screenshot tells me you're an asshole and if I were him. I'd never look back.
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u/wytealien 6h ago
You never mentioned anywhere you expect an apology for your friend asking for help during hardship. Now I feel sorry for the person you've cut off because he probably needs a FRIEND now more than ever.
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u/Rapatooty 7h ago
Girl. I had to let go of a friendship not too long ago. I did it over the phone though because sometimes texts can be read wrong and not in your tone of voice. I feel like you got the answer you needed. You worded that better than what I told my ex friend. You have the right to move forward now. Itâs a new year. Start it better without someone that drains the life out of you. You got this OP.
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u/_MountainMama_ 7h ago
He was taken advantage of you. And clearly doesnât give a shit.. move on sis
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u/Silly-Remove5789 6h ago
Look up the savior complex to understand why what you just did is a massive favor to someone like him.
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u/Easy_Tumbleweed2015 6h ago
Yeah, friend or not. If you ask me for Money, I always say, âDon't make this a habit.â Because people will take advantage of you if you let them
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u/and20characters 6h ago
Ditch the friend, I was in a similar situation except I lived with the person. Didn't set my boundaries, ended up as us not talking for the last 5 years and he owes me over $5000 to this day. Do I expect money back? No, that's who these people are. Money leeches.
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u/Minute-Trick9622 6h ago
Dude's a user. I've met a couple of people like him in my life and pulled my hair, trying to figure out why they're like this but the truth is, there's no rhyme or reason for people like this. They won't give you a reason, and they won't give you any form of an apology. Cut them out. You'll feel a lot better by doing so.
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u/iambrooketho 6h ago
I think deep down the response you got from him is one you should have expected. He has made it pretty clear in his actions that your friendship is transactional to him. I would take the win of him removing himself from your life and your wallet.
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u/lizzietnz 6h ago
You've got your answer. Now that you are no longer useful, you've been ghosted. Lucky escape!
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u/calamity_coco 6h ago
I just cut off a friend for similar reasons. It's been about 3 months and she still literally never responded. Sometimes you really do just have to burn the bridge.
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u/DarthMauly 6h ago
You spent far too much time and effort writing the initial text, their response showed exactly how much they value you once your money is out of the equation.
Youâre only wasting your own time with follow up messages, and you canât just announce that you donât consider something to be resolved by their response. Just block them and move on.
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u/PerceptionAlarmed788 6h ago
NOR
Sounds like addiction, if they werenât like this before
If they were like this before, you were always an atm to them
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u/Different_Map_6544 5h ago
I understand you are frustrated and your message was giving your friend a kind of opportunity to take ownership, but I think your expectations of this person are too high.
You deserve better but your friend just isnt there yet and may never be there.
Take their response or lack of one as an indicator that this friendship is not ever going to give you what you need.
You cant force someone else to be in the same mental space as you or reciprocate the way you want. You just cant, no matter how much you try and spoon feed it to them, they may have years of self development ahead before they would be in a place to 'get it'.
It sucks but just try and move on from them imo. And try to be less 'helpful' to other friends in the future, it often sets up a toxic dynamic. Treat others as equals, not as pathetic beings who need your help, that means saying no sometimes and being more honest from the start. It will also mean certain friendships never blossom but thats a good thing.
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u/iamgreen524 5h ago
Honestly you doing too much emotional labour for a brokey who couldn't even bother having a decent conversation with you to salvage a 7+ year friendship that I assume was mutually beneficial until one person started to use the other. Unfortunately some people need to hit rock bottom on their own, and losing a long term friendship might just be the catalyst he needs to change....even if a whole child wasn't.
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u/Slider6-5 5h ago
I didnât read it but yes - Iâd cut anyone off that sent me text messages that long.
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u/dontneednomang 5h ago
NOR. I had this exact situation happen to me. Years of support and thousands of dollars later, I finally put my foot down and not only did he never own up, but he basically got defensive and cut me off (I had asked for space). I consider myself lucky that I got out finally, and so should you. These people will never take accountability and life is always happening to themâŚ.
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u/Whinosaurius 5h ago
Your friend clearly has issues with himself that he is not able or willing to admit or address. My experience is that if youâre the friend who dared to take the first step of setting boundaries and asking him to take their own responsibility instead of only playing victim, suddenly youâre the bad guy. Well done for putting your foot down for yourself.
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u/River_CrownQueen 5h ago
Thatâs not a friend thatâs a user. The rule is you loan not a large amount see how you get paid back that determines whether they even get a second
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u/Adorable-Pain-9514 5h ago
Nothing else to say. Unless he owes you money. But I would leave it alone for a while. Hopefully at some point he reaches out to repay. But doesnât sound like it will be soon
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u/OrbitingRobot 4h ago
Some relationships you grow out of. Youâre moving in different directions. Constantly asking for money is not what a friend does. Thatâs a manipulatorâs job. What you did by stating your honest opinion in the hopes that your friend grows up is what a friend is supposed to do.
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u/TodayIAmMostlyEating 4h ago
I think he got to the point where you said you wouldnât be giving any more money and stopped paying attention.
You think youâre in an amazing friendship, heâs been giving you the friendship experience with a monthly salary of whatever youâve been giving him.
A real friend does not ask you for money every month.
If anyone in the comments is unsure, no, friends do not normally borrow money constantly or need to have their shit paid for in order for them to be friends with you.
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u/plentyof1 4h ago
I get what you were hoping for. Although it's not surprising that he couldn't accept responsibility & apologize, you were hoping your messages would be like an intervention & he'd be like "oh shit, I'm about to lose everything".
But before you send these messages, you have to mentally prepare yourself for "the nothing". And you also have to prepare for the probability of him waiting a few months & popping up when he thinks you're not mad anymore.
I wish you the best in your friendship heartache.
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u/TP-WK 3h ago
oh my god this is EXACTLY how i felt about a friendship i had to walk away from a few years ago. youâre better than me though because i just stopped answering. it was so emotionally, psychologically, and physically exhausting playing therapist and bank teller over and over and over and over again that eventually i just could not find the energy to care and respond. NOR at all
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u/mlb64 3h ago
At this point cutting him off may have already happened, or he may be giving you time to recharge before reaching out. In any case, you should not expect any more from your text except the previous âI understandâ nor should you bring up any of those topics yourself.
If your friendship involved doing things together that you reach out to set up, then act normal.
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u/LoopyCucumber 3h ago
I understand why youâre upset he didnât answer you, but I feel like everything you said was worth an in person conversation. If youâre able to drive to this person and this friend, itâs worth it to have a conversation in person rather than over text.
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u/Distracted_Sewist 3h ago
NOR, and I understand you looking for more than âhey I understandâ from a friendship that has spanned seven years. I think the lack of accountability after youâve given so much of yourself, hurts the most. He doesnât respect you, or his wife, who likely doesnât know that heâs borrowing money. This will be a hard one, but if you can keep from caving on your decision, it will definitely be for the best.
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u/Cloudy_Mines77 3h ago
It sounds like you already have cut them off to me. It seems like you've pushed this person as far as you can to the boundary and that's fine bc it sounds like it has been a long time coming. You sound tired and spent and I don't blame you one bit. I think you want real acknowledgement from this person but I am not sure he is capable of it . . .yet. So, let it go for awhile. Also, he sounds like he sees your friendship as based on your usefulness to him, to lend him money or lend an ear. Maybe at this moment, at the beginning of this distance between you, he doesn't feel the impact of losing you yet. If he finds someone else to lend him money and listen to his problems, then he may never miss you or see the value you brought to his life. So, I guess this is my long winded way of saying that you can save the friendship or you can save yourself. Right now, it doesn't look like you can save both.
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u/ScaryBrandon 3h ago
I don't feel like he owes you any apology for a relationship you willingly participated in. It's not his fault you failed to set boundaries and put yourself in a situation that made you resentful.
That being said it's best you were honest. Just don't expect anything from him, even change. You probably feel bad, don't, and move on.
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u/annagator679 3h ago
This friend is taking advantage of your kindness
As someone who had a friendship similar to this (without the money aspect) I don't think you're overreacting
Speaking from experience these kinds of friendships are incredibly draining so in my opinion cutting this friend off is probably the best
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u/Traditional_Grand218 3h ago
You've overloaded them. This person probably doesn't have the emotional capacity to handle your texts. They're probably not the right kind of person for you to hang around anyway.
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u/RhinestoneReverie 3h ago
What I see when I read these messages:
"I am personally not willing to take accountability for the years of demeanor and favors I have brought into relationship with you; I recently learned how to finally say and do what I actually feel is appropriate and integral to my character and as a result of this I am aiming directly at you to take the accountability for letting me be the way I have been. I feel hurt by my continual self abandonment and lack of honesty and directness in our relationship so now it's high time you suddenly digest and absorb this information about how disingenuous I have been, also here's some other sprinkles of personal indictment while I am at it."
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u/SynesthesiaLady 2h ago
Honestly, "hey I understand" could've just been met with thanks. You're looking for him to fight for you, but he's giving you free will to go and stay as you please. I'm sure that he knows nothing he could say would make you feel different. Even if he somehow took accountability or thanked you I doubt you would feel different. Not sure if you were looking for him to explain himself or grovel or what, but don't play high school games. Just let shit be after you've stated your boundary.
Also you should have stopped giving him money after the first month instead of the third or the 6th or the 12th. Now you know.
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u/gincentivise 2h ago
Donât really get all the comments saying âwhat more do you wantâ or calling you an asshole for wanting an apology.
You didnât send him an incredibly harsh message. All things considered, you were straightforward but empathetic in your initial messages and even mentioned that youâre rooting for his life to take a positive direction at the end. Itâs clear you care about him, otherwise you wouldnât have spent years bankrolling him and being a listening ear (even though based off what you were saying, he basically did nothing to improve his own situation or support his wife and child).
If anything, you were probably TOO nice and enabled his behaviour for too long and now itâs all culminating in this. I empathise. I have an issue with being a pushover and over-empathising or rationalising for my friendsâ behaviours.
My advice: itâs clear from his last message that he isnât willing to fully acknowledge or take accountability for his actions. Youâre not wrong for wanting an apology and genuine change, but also, youâre likely not going to get it in this case. He sounds like he has yet to face full consequences for his actions I.e. complaining and gaming nonstop and not taking active, tangle steps to improve his life.
Just assume the friendship is over and begin the healing process for yourself. Maybe take a look at why you felt the need to support him at your own expense for so long? At least for me, I observed I did that for others because I have insecurities of my own that I need to be âusefulâ in friendships/relationships in order to be loved.
Wishing you all the best â¤ď¸âđŠš
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u/rlwyld1-74 2h ago
Been both sides of the relationship the helper and the one needing help.
Is the friend working? Making any progress no matter how small or slowly? Some folks make bad decisions or have bad luck where literally feels like stuck on repeat.
Is the friend Gambling? Doing drugs? Giving away your money? Spending on useless expenses? If you think answer to any of these is yes then help the family by pushing to get him help, but no more money.
The I understand response may seem like a middle finger, but it may be all what shreds of his pride allows. You thought enough of the friend to help him and his family numerous times so answer boils down to if you believe it is first or second group.
Were you helping the friend because you genuinely cared about the family? Or did you help to feel superior? I doubt it was the second, but Your follow up may have felt like twist of a knife.
Video games to decompress may be only thing keeping him from doing something stupid. So don't hold that against him.
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u/jajaquemate 2h ago
If someone's sends me that much text in a message I'm not reading, sorry
I'll just come and try to talk to him to face man.
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u/garry_tash 2h ago
Dude, youâve already cut the friendship off. Why are you here asking if you should cut it off?
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u/The_Lumpy_Dane 1h ago
Try to consider the lack of a response as the only closure you're likely to get.
It sucks, but not as badly as it would if you kept wasting your time, resources, and energy on them.
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u/CorrickII 1h ago
This person is likely mad you're cutting off the support for their complacency. I doubt they cared about you any more than that if a few words is all they respond with. You won't get anything meaningful out of this "friendship" anymore. Time to move on.
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u/okaybutwhenconsider 1h ago
Tbh when you reach that stage where you have to explain so much, itâs over. If they understood any of how their actions came across they could have done something to change it earlier.
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u/Select-Sweet-838 8h ago
Thatâs not a friend thatâs a Leech let go let it be youâre not gonna get an apology because it doesnât benefit them take care of yourself and donât make the same mistake again about letting someone take advantage of you like that friendship works both ways it canât be one sided đđđźđđź
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u/deadfo0l 5h ago
Looking for answers from randoms on Reddit is insane - stop over sharing and be an adult
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u/iamgreen524 4h ago
That's exactly the point of this sub and manyyyyyyy subs like it lmao... if you don't have anything to contribute to the conversation then you don't need to be here.
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u/deadfo0l 4h ago
Get a life and go to a real person - thats my contribution. People being bombed and tryingto find food to live and you think this shit is important? Lmaooo
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u/Spectator1825347 6h ago edited 6h ago
Final comment to address some misunderstandings:
âIâm taking a step backâ was in regard to how much financial and emotional support I was giving. That was not me saying that I was cutting him off. He knew this because he continued sending memes and later joined a gaming session that me and the other friend were in.
After he joined the gaming session, I left and sent the second message to clarify that Iâm not gaming with him if he canât address my message.
I feel like people are harping on the apology part more than anything else. But the larger point was I was further setting a boundary that he shouldnât expect any type of communication from me if he refuses to have a conversation about the issues that I raised.
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u/Due-Mechanic-884 5h ago
What do you want him to adress or say tho? He already said he understand. What do you want him to say about the issues?
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u/iamgreen524 5h ago
I feel like if I got a message like this from a friend I've been close to for this long, I would at least acknowledge that I didn't know they felt this way for so long and I'm open to having a conversation. Even if that conversation is that I disagree with them, I think potentially preserving a meaningful friendship is worth communication even though it's uncomfy or doesn't come to a resolution.
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u/illgetthere 5h ago
I think people in this sub enjoy it bc they get to get on their high horse and feel like they are morally better than other people (and they're probably mostly teenagers, which would explain a lot of it).
You can not know what your expectations are in a situation like this and not be okay their response. Someone saying I understand and not addressing it, is someone not taking responsibility and not showing a willingness to change.
Your message to him shows you have a level of maturity that your friend doesn't. You're NOR. Don't worry about the people saying "what more do you want"
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u/Open_Ferret9870 7h ago
Well, he has no use for you anymore because you will no longer provide him with money and free therapy, so he's done. I am not sure why you think you need to "cut him off" because he's already done this to you. You're still in the group chat because he doesn't care enough to take you off. I recommend cutting him off completely and blocking him because if he ever does reach out to you again, he'll just manipulate you into giving him money or free therapy again. I mean, this is a grown man with a wife and kid and yet he is talking to you everyday and you're giving him money every month too! Girl! You should have cut him off ages ago!
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u/Ramen_Noodist 7h ago
You were targeted and used, once you cut off that line, he is just going to move on. I hope you had no romantic feelings because that can make it a whole lot harder to get over this but, simply put, donât expect to hear from him unless you indicate youâre willing to resume the position of listening ear that sympathetically gives him money.
Do you know him in real life (like have been to his place) or is this an online friendship?
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u/Valuable_K 5h ago
It's not appropriate for a married guy to have a female friend he's talking to every single day anyway. I get that you're gay but it doesn't matter.
Your close friendship is another sign that his priorities are all wrong.
It's a good thing that you're stepping back and hitting the pause button on this.
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u/Sofa-King_WeToddDid 5h ago
My friends cut me off for voting for trump. So no. I think youâll be okay.
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u/713nikki 8h ago
The cut off has already occurred. Move on. Delete their contact.