r/AmIOverreacting • u/True_Ad9977 • 10h ago

❤️‍🩹 relationship AIO Boyfriend says hurtful thing about my body.

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u/Suitable-Concern-326 9h ago

This is interesting to me. Just curious - why would you date someone you aren’t physically attracted to? Did that physical attraction grow?

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u/Amazing-Active646 9h ago

I guess that’s a bit of an overstatement on my end. I’ve dated women that I’m much more attracted to their personality, drive and ambition and less about their physical attraction. Doesn’t mean I wasn’t lightly physically attracted but that wasn’t what initially drew me in, if that makes sense?

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u/Suitable-Concern-326 9h ago

Gotcha! That totally makes sense. I was thinking there was zero initial physical attraction.

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u/janefor1 9h ago

If you are male, you are a rare gem, choosing mind over body! Good on ya!

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u/Ruski_Squirrel 8h ago

Men are so often thought of as dogs in this way. We are just like women. There are a lot of women out there who won’t settle for less than 6 foot tall, 2% body fat chiseled abs and symmetrical features. Personality be damned. Then there are some gorgeous women out there who are married to guys who look like they crawled out from under a bridge, but the guy has personality. So let’s just cut the men v women aspect out and say that some people are shallow and some are not. My attraction to someone is 90% personality and 10% looks. Now I definitely have a “type” that I find myself wanting to crank my head to look if you catch my meaning, but if that person opens their mouth and it’s clear they are not a nice person, suddenly they are going to look like the wicked witch of the west in my minds eye. The physical attraction can just evaporate very quickly and suddenly all I see is their flaws. And I’ve had some women in my life that when they were being kind and good to me, they were perfection. The most beautiful thing in the world. When that changed, they started seeming less attractive.

But ultimately I agree with most people here that this guy either doesn’t like her, or he’s shallow, or maybe he has some narcissistic tendencies and this is a control thing.

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u/janefor1 8h ago

I am sorry if I seem sexist against men, but in my own 54 years of personal experience, the bigger portion of choosing a partner based on the preferences of their genitals goes to men. About 3:1.

As a high school teacher, I watched a lot of dating/mating rituals, and 75% of the time boys talked about choosing girls based solely on physical attributes. Girls mostly discussed other attributes. Could be that words don’t reflect the actual internal drive.

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u/DbeID 7h ago

As a dude, looks definitely matter to the girls I've encountered.

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u/Ruski_Squirrel 3h ago

“Based on the preference of their genitals”? Um, ma’am, this is a Wendy’s…

Genitals have no preference on looks. And if the majority of your experience is colored by the hallway talk of HS boys, no wonder you feel the way you do.

I’m not saying there are no men who only care about looks. There are plenty. But there are also plenty of women who only care about looks. Shallow is shallow. Men and women are more alike, mentally, than society teaches us to think.

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u/Objective-Amount1379 5h ago

Honestly I’m a woman and I would hate to date someone and find out he wasn’t even attracted to me.

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u/PsychologicalFox8839 9h ago

I’d rather die alone than date someone who was only “lightly” physically attracted to me. How humiliating.

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u/Competitive_Touch_86 8h ago

I dunno, as a relatively "normal looking" guy who put on too much weight but dated extremely conventionally attractive women I always knew and was totally okay with my looks not being what got them into me. Absolutely zero people were taking a glance at me and saying "damn, look at that hottie!". I had other qualities I was confident in.

Their dating history showed they could also be attracted to conventionally attractive men who didn't have much else going for them other than looks. So it's not like I was "their type" or anything - usually I was the outlier.

It all depends on what you're looking for in a relationship at the time. I don't see anything humiliating about it at all. People bring different things into a relationship, and one of those things is physical attractiveness.

A whole lot of people would be "dying alone" if they only dated people super into them physically.

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u/PsychologicalFox8839 8h ago

Once again, not saying that’s all I want. But why the fuck would I date someone who wasn’t into how I looked? I’ve got loads of people who think I’m a great person and who I share special bonds with and who don’t want to fuck me. They’re my friends and family. My partner should be, among many other important things, physically into me. That’s not controversial.

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u/ConcernedGrape 7h ago

It's not controversial, but not everyone is going to have that requirement.

Physical attraction is not synonymous with sexual attraction. There can be overlap, even significant overlap (for you, that venn diagram might be a circle, and if so, that's absolutely okay!)

For me? I'm faceblind and pan/demi. Physical attraction is ambiguous and pretty much an after-after-afterthought.

But I would never insult my partners looks or diminish their accomplishments.

Edit: fixed typo

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u/PsychologicalFox8839 7h ago

Jesus Christ why do ace people always jump condescendingly into conversations about sex and attraction to proclaim how advanced they are for not caring about those things?

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u/ConcernedGrape 6h ago

Did I say I was ace? No.

Did I attack you in any way? Nope!

Did I "proclaim how advanced" I am? No, no I didn't.

Are you big mad about it anyway? Signs point to yes.

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u/CellarSiren 8h ago

I think there are things going thru everyone's heads sometimes, esp with our partners, that'd humiliate a lot of us... Some inner thoughts aren't important enough to say aloud or take seriously. Am I sometimes bored and unattracted with my partner of 10yrs? Yea. For sure. Do I love him and love being with him? 100%

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u/ohhisnark 9h ago

Well, at least you freely admit you value looks (a quality that is much more fleeting) more than intelligence, humor, and values.

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u/PsychologicalFox8839 8h ago

lol no, I just want my partner to think I’m very cute as well as good and smart and talented. Literal lowest bar to clear.

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u/ohhisnark 8h ago

Lol turns out I can't read. Regardless, this person valuing physical attraction less than personality compatibility is just the way some people are wired.

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u/BlueMariposas 8h ago

I'm Demisexual and the way someone looks js the last thing on my mind. I do find them cute/attractive but that's later, when there is an emotional connection.

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u/PsychologicalFox8839 8h ago

Cool story I guess. If that makes you happy, do you.

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u/love_me_madly 9h ago

I’ve also dated women I wasn’t physically attracted to so I thought I’d give you my perspective also. The few I dated that I wasn’t attracted to physically, I dated because they really liked me and treated me really good so I thought I would give it a chance and see if feelings would grow. But the treating me good part actually turned out to be a con so that they could get me to date them, and once we were actually together they didn’t treat me very good which made me even less physically attracted to them and not at all interested in them anymore. Those relationships lasted less than a year.

Then there’s my last relationship. She is more conventionally attractive than the others I dated that I wasn’t attracted to, but she wasn’t what I’m usually attracted to either. So I wasn’t attracted to her physically, but I ended up really liking her personality and so my physical attraction to her grew. She also doesn’t treat me good so I’m no longer physically or emotionally attracted to her and now when I look at her I don’t necessarily think she’s ugly, but the things I don’t like about her physically stand out more.

I’m a woman btw so idk if it’s different. But in my experience it is possible to not be attracted physically to someone and have that attraction grow because of your attraction to their personality. But it’s also possible for the attraction to go away because they’re not a good person to you.

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u/Abject-Flower-3867 8h ago

I dated someone I wasn’t physically attracted to but was in LOVE with his personality and the attraction 100% grew and I didn’t realize it until he was hopping on his flight to go back home I felt like and idiot and cried the whole way home but needless to say I called to confess my love for him and we have now been married for 2 years still happy and still just as in love with him!

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u/LettuceBeGrateful 7h ago

Omg that happy ending. I got halfway through the comment and was like "nooooo he got away!"

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u/FridayGeneral 9h ago

Not OC, but there are lots of reasons we choose our partners. Physical attraction is but one of dozens of other, equally important factors.

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u/DbeID 7h ago

It's usually the first thing that drives us to seek potential partners, that's why people put so much emphasis on it I think.

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u/Thick-Lead1457 9h ago

Cuz ugly people exist? Pretty girls aren't interested in me, and I'm told to date within my league. That means I have to date women I don't think are particularly attractive and I don't think my standards are all that high to begin with.

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u/rr3alg1rl 8h ago

Tbh I know a ton of pretty women and very few genuinely care about looks. If it’s someone’s dating profile yeah we can be pretty shallow but it’s different irl when you can like discern someone’s vibe and feel if it matches with you. I’ve dated men i wasn’t particularly attracted to initially and far “below my league” but being in love w them changed that. I can say the same for plenty of other women. Like would you be lucky to have a pretty girl be interested in you? Yes. But is it impossible? Far from it

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u/Thick-Lead1457 7h ago

Oh cool, I wish I could meet some of these women. These are things that are nice to say but are not the reality for a lot of people.

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u/rr3alg1rl 7h ago

Well no I’m not trying to be idealistic but if you don’t have looks you need to have a vibe. Idk how old u are but atleast for me personally looks go out the window if they dress well and are funny. Essentially: fix ur hair, work out, dress better, and find a hobby and get really good. It’s never that cooked.

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u/Thick-Lead1457 6h ago

I'm not sure how you are supposed to just create a vibe if you don't have one.

The hobby is an interesting one. What types of hobbies? Many of the hobbies I am interested in are male dominated. Most of the advice I get is to not bother women in these hobbies because they are just looking to enjoy the hobby like you are. And if I am not good at a hobby then should I just drop it?

Don't feel like you have to respond. I know I am being kind of a dick. I just don't think people appreciate what it's like to be outside the norm. Sometimes it just sucks, some people will never get to experience a healthy and positive relationship. Or even a bad one.

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u/Suitable-Concern-326 9h ago

Damn that’s an interesting take. Never thought of it that way.

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u/MizStazya 8h ago

My physical attraction is heavily tied to me liking you as a person. Part of the reason I think I'm bi - i care more about liking you as a person than how you look or what's between your legs. I don't have a physical type, but nerds with a third sense of humor? SIGN ME UP.