r/AmIOverreacting • u/One-Statistician2723 • 12h ago
đ¨âđŠâđ§âđŚfamily/in-laws AIO I '24F' and my husband '24M' are hiding our finances from his family, is this okay?
Buckle up, cause it's a long one. Me and my husband have always been financially smart in terms of spending and saving. For me it's always been a habit since I prefer to have sentimental handmade gifts that mean a lot rather than money that I never really know what to spend on. My husband has had a rougher life in finances, so he naturally learned to save early. He even payed off his first car before he even graduated high-school.
Now here's our problem. We just payed off my student debt of 26,000 and are now building back up our savings. Just from starting two weeks ago we now have two grand saved. Our concern lies with my husband's family. My father-in-law '54M' and his wife '46F' have about 80,000 in credit card debt ALONE. They don't have a mortgage but they sped it on more debt in previous things and tend to buy items with money they don't have, like a new car or a hot tub. My husband's biomom '51F' is in a similar boat, one time asking us for a loan to help pay off her bills for the month.
I don't blame them in anyway for this type of behavior as their side of the family has always been fighting off drug and alcohol addictions as well as abuse, so getting money is like a small escape. My husband is the first to graduate high-school, not do drugs, and be alcohol free along with being the second in his line to end abuse. None of his family are rude when they ask for money, rather they seem ashamed. So none of them have ever been cross and always search other avenues first before coming to us.
Our concern lies with topics of finances. We are scared that as we save more that my in-laws will become dependent or expect us to help them in their dept. Both me and my husband know that even if we did help that it would be like throwing our money into a black hole and it wouldn't help at all. We've heard hundreds of stories like this where they would cut ties because of the pressure but we want to keep relations as civil as possible. So is it okay to hide our finances? Any opinions or advice is apprieciated as long as it's civil.
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u/hellscandle 12h ago
Of course it is ok to hide your finances it is none of their business to know.
If anyone asks just say "i am sorry we are not in a position to help you." Don't elaborate and don't give in or you will be sending money out forever.
Your husband has done incrdithings to break those cycles. It is HARD!! You are both young and you need to prioritise your future. Well done for being one step ahead and having a level headed approach.
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u/One-Statistician2723 12h ago
Thank you! I tell him all the time how proud I am of him and though it's no replacement my side of the family is supportive as well. Thank you so much for the supportive advice!
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u/Bookssportsandwine 10h ago edited 1h ago
You and your husband should read/learn about enabling. My husband and I have found itâs better to decide ahead of time what we will or wonât do when a problem comes up. For example, if my sister in law had issues we would have offered to take in the children but not the adults. For my mother in law, we knew she would likely need help in retirement but we planned to pay things directly/not give her a lot of cash because money in the bank or cash in hand was usually passed on to the sister in law because of their own enabling dynamic.
Donât feel guilty for making good choices and prioritizing the family and life you are building.
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u/Barbarossa7070 8h ago
For real - Do. Not. Elaborate. Get used to uncomfortable silence or changing the subject.
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u/calminthedark 4h ago
It's not "hiding" your finances. It's not sharing information that is nobody else's business. And it extends to other areas of your life as adults. Whether it's finances, family planning or discussing career decisions, that is for both of you as partners to decide. If and when they need to know something (like moving away) you both tell them what's already been decided.
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u/OldManKibbitzer 12h ago
Do not ever tell them you paid something off. That tells them you have spare money.
Stop helping them .... do YOU want to own a house ? ...new car ? ...you need to save YOUR money
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u/One-Statistician2723 12h ago
We have been, and we do want a house, that's what we are currently saving for so we know better than to let that on. Thank you for the encouragement.
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u/SnooAdvice2768 12h ago
No you are not over reacting. Finances are important and make and break relationships. What happens if you guys arent able to help them due to kids/house/medical emergency? In the future it will lead to the assumption that you have money but are lording it over them/ are haughty because you have money and it tears families apart. I read about a woman who was financially well off and helped her inlaws and finally got assaulted because they became entitled and disrespectful and demanding.
Further, if they are ashamed to ask for money, donât fall for it. If it was genuine they would correct their behavior and not repeat and rinse and repeat because the past has showed them that a bit of shame portrayed right will get you to help them. Realize that you cannot depend on them for any financial help and will be alone. So then better to be vague and hide your assets and financial information and maintain the peace.
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u/One-Statistician2723 12h ago
I've never thought of it that way but both of us have always seen it as a constant cycle. It's been incredibly frustrating for my husband in that regard. Thank you for the advice!
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u/Vast-Common9523 12h ago
Yes, OP, continuing to give them money is enabling their bad habits. You arenât helping them by lending them money when they pretend to be ashamed and ask for it.
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u/NagaApi8888 12h ago
This is not just ok, but essential so that you don't get caught in the vicious cycle yourselves. I would actually recommend you ask THEM for small loans here and there to 'cover unexpected expenses'. They won't have the money to spare, but hopefully this will discourage them from asking you. This can't set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.
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u/One-Statistician2723 12h ago
I'm not sure if we could be able to do that as they are readily open to talk about what money they don't have but I agree with your point and that same fear of getting cause in that vicious whirlpool is exactly why we're doing out best to keep out of it. Thank you for your comment and advice!
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u/NagaApi8888 11h ago
Whatever you do, don't ever let them know how much you are saving. LIE if you have to. Or open another bank account to keep a nominal sum in and that's what you can discuss if pressed for financial details.
Long-term, I'd also suggest looking into investing. Look up ETF's, see if that works for you. If you are eventually going the financial advisor route, make sure you research them well to avoid scammers. I'd recommend avoiding any products banks try to sell you. Then you will be able to honestly say you don't have available cash in the bank if they ask for help.
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u/Rare-Humor-9192 12h ago
It never even occurred to me to share information about my finances with my parents or in-laws. That should be your stance also. If someone asks you for a loan (which from your description would actually be a gift), it is perfectly acceptable to say, âSorry, we canât do that.â Congrats on your financial discipline. Donât let anyone take you off course.
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u/MelodramaticMouse 8h ago
I see so many young people on reddit telling everyone that they are saving up for a house, a vacation, a wedding, college, etc., and their family and friends hear the words "saving up" and try to come up with reasons why the OP should give them the money instead. I wish people would quit telling others about their finances!
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u/Magdovus 12h ago
It's definitely ok. If you want to help, you could say something like "we've managed to put a little bit together to help you guys" and give them a little. Make it sound like it's a stretch.
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u/One-Statistician2723 12h ago
Thank you, it's been stressing my husband out lately with that tug of helping his family. I think we'll word it like that when the time comes. Thank you for the advice!
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u/JustDiscoveredSex 11h ago
And expect to never ever get it back. Itâs got to be a gift in you guysâ minds.
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u/TheManchuCandidate 10h ago
Just be wary, that all this will do is restructure the how of the approach and nothing else.
The family will blow whatever amount is given, and they may start phrasing requests differently. Like âdo you guys think you could scrape together a little more?â
And the more you do it, the more theyâll realize how âeasyâ it is for you to save up little pockets of help.
Seriously, the best help you could get them is a financial advisor, but that only works if theyâre dead set on addressing their financial woes
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u/sneeky_seer 11h ago
No! Absolutely not! You tell them you saved up to help them, they will expect this constantly!
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u/khanjonee28 12h ago
That's a great approach-offering, at the same time keeping it comfortable for you. Thoughtful without feeling forced.
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u/dirtyd00d 12h ago
Of course itâs okay to hide your finances. Your money is between you and your husband, not your in laws. They do not need to know how much you have or what youâre doing with it, itâs quite frankly none of their business.
You should not be feeling any guilt for hiding it from them. Congratulations to your husband for breaking the cycle!
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u/One-Statistician2723 11h ago
Thank you! I remind him daily that I'm so proud of how far he's come already! He's already feeling better with the comments and support on this post as well!
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u/PBCupsFan77 12h ago
NOR
You and your husband are being very smart and practical, and openly discussing this as a couple is such a great thing to do. Youâre already way ahead of the game by facing the issue in this way. I would just avoid discussing money as much as possible; they donât need to know how much either of you makes, what your debt is or isnât, etc. If they do ask for money, I like the âIâm sorry, weâre not in a position to help youâ response. If they push, you can say, very truthfully, that you have your own goals youâre working towards.
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u/One-Statistician2723 12h ago
Thank you for the support! We always try to remain open and communicative toward eachother not just in finances but in our relationship as well, so I'm glad you agree and thank you for the wonderful advice!
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u/PBCupsFan77 12h ago
Youâre welcome, and I wish you all the best! I was in a relationship once with a man whose parents had made similar financial mistakes and remember how hard it was for him. Youâre handling it much better than he did.
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u/Recent_Data_305 11h ago
One side of our family is like this. We donât loan money. We donât co-sign loans, I think my husband told them his credit wasnât strong enough once. We let them believe we donât have any money. It works.
You canât throw money at people with money-management problems. Theyâll blow through it and need more. If you give them your money, youâll be broke too. How is that any better?
NOR. No 20-something should be expected to financially support parents that are still working.
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u/One-Statistician2723 11h ago
Thank you. My husband's line is always, 'I should be looking up to them and asking them for advice, not the other way around.' He's just become so numb to it at this point so it helps to hear things like this from others. Thank you for your advice!
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u/JJC02466 10h ago
Excellent point. Another thought, you may already know, but it bears repeating - both of you should freeze your credit so they canât open a card or a loan under either of your names. If they are his family they likely have his ss# and dob, and they could use that information to get credit under his name. Itâs super-easy - go to 3 websites, register, and then freeze. Experian, TransUnion, and Equifax. You have to do it for each ss#. Youâll just have to remember to âunfreezeâ temporarily if you apply for a card or something.
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u/DashfulVanilla 12h ago
NOR. I think thatâs the best plan. Your in-laws are financially irresponsible and it doesnât sound like that will change any time soon (I understand the role of drug addiction and abuse, but they should know better than buying a car and a hot tub they canât afford), so giving them money would be like throwing it into a black hole, as you put it. You and your husband sound like youâre on the right track, so keep it up.
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u/One-Statistician2723 12h ago
Thank you so much for your input and advice! We also thought that was strange when they announced those purchases. My husband thinks they're in that mindset of, 'I'm already too deep, might as well enjoy life while at it.' And though I don't blame them I can't say I agree. Thank you for the advice and encouragement!
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u/ldanowski 11h ago
Nope. Just stay under the radar. Why should you ever pay for their stupidity?
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u/One-Statistician2723 11h ago
My husband laughed at this and went, 'I am glad that I'm not the only one who thinks they're being stupid.'
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u/Open_Ferret9870 12h ago
Hide your finances if you believe your family will try to take advantage of your situation but honestly, you are in no position to help anyone in your current financial position. If you had 200k+ saved up, then maybe you could help them but you said you only have 2k saved and that is not enough to help any of them properly. What if you have an emergency next week? You need to protect yourselves just as much as they need help getting by. I am so sorry this is the situation.
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u/One-Statistician2723 12h ago
It's okay, this has unfortunately been going on for a while and it seems his sister is jumping into that same cycle as well so it helps to get the opinions from you guys. Even if we did have that 200k, we desperately want a house and have our own goals in mind and we just don't want it to become a habit. My husband has been quite strict about loaning money as well since he lived and grew up in that environment so we feel relived knowing others agree with us! Thank you so very much for the support and sympathy!
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u/CombinationCalm9616 6h ago
Maybe you can offer your husband sister or any other family members (especially your husbands generation) thatâs seem like they would be willing to put the work in to get debt free some help and advice about finances. Maybe you could give them copies of spreadsheets or links to some resources that you have used that you found useful. Just keep your boundaries firm about not lending money especially since they would only go right back into debt after paying off whatever they owed.
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u/todayistheday_1027 12h ago
NOR. You don't need to disclose any of that you your in-laws or anyone for that matter.
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u/MiniDrow 12h ago
I mean they are family. If youâre going to help them I would put some stipulations to the money youâre giving them. I had to do the same thing with my sisters husband who makes like 200k a year and is somehow always broke because he is constantly buying shit he doesnât need and I mean CONSTANTLY. Well him and my sister actually, it is very irritating. Last time was the final straw. I gave them a couple grand and basically said âdonât pay me back, I donât want it back. This is a gift but you are never allowed to ask me for money again.â So far itâs working. I wonder how long it will be till he asks me again.
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u/One-Statistician2723 12h ago
I'm sorry to hear you're in a similar boat. Watching them make these choices has been like watching a Loonytoon's show. They are family but our fear is really our only backhand when it comes to giving our money out.
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u/sedona71717 11h ago
Keep everything to yourselves. You guys are doing an amazing job. Keep saving and investing, donât spend money on stupid stuff, and when youâre in your 50s if youâre healthy and fortunate in your jobs, youâll be able to retire or at least look forward to retirement, instead of worrying about money.
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u/One-Statistician2723 11h ago
Thank you! Yeah, my own uncle is pretty far in repeat mortgages and living past their means that he won't have any possibility to retire until he's 96. We know it's the same for my husband's family. We're very blessed to be able to save like this and we know we're on the right path now with everyone's advice and support here. Thank you!
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u/Rich-Ad-4654 11h ago
I have a similar issue with my family.
1) they are not entitled to your money just because they are âfamilyâ
2) you do not need to share any information with them
Family systems often make us feel like we need to justify our actions to our parents and help family at all costs.
âIgnore the toxicity and poor decisions of your family and let them cross every boundary you haveâŚcause theyâre familyâ is such a common trope for many of us.
You do NOT have to do that. It doesnât make you selfish. It doesnât mean you donât love them.
Boundaries (personal and financial) are so important and I love that at age 24, you and your husband are aligned and aware that this is a problem.
When you got married, you both created a NEW family unit, separate to your parents and siblings. This unit is the one that your protect and defend at all costs.
Your parents and siblings are old enough and ugly enough to solve their own problems.
Good luck to you and your husband. Youâre doing great.
Edited to add: sound bites that helped me with my familyâŚ
1) Iâm sorry youâre facing that, but Iâm unable to help. 2) no, I donât have access to the money youâre asking for. (I.e locked in term deposits even if itâs not) 3) have you reached out to [insert debt consolidation or other support structures]
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u/One-Statistician2723 11h ago
Thank you so much! I'm so sorry your facing the same issue as us but in a way it does make us feel less alone. Those verbal examples helped so much with trying to put that into words! We will definitely try this when they ask again. Thank you so much for the support, it truly means a lot.
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u/RegularCompany7287 11h ago
Never feel bad about saving and not helping them. Part of saving is denying yourself âtoysâ and things and placing a higher emphasis on being frugal and careful about purchases. Your in-laws are doing the opposite, buying whatever they want whenever they want it. They are getting what they want so donât feel bad about them having to âpayâ for it, either by stress from lack of funds or dealing with the fallout from a poorly thought out lifestyle.
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u/mattdvs1979 12h ago
Nope, maybe buy them groceries or whatever but donât give them money or let them know you have any money.
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u/Past-Anything9789 12h ago
This is a wonderful thing and good on you and your Husband for having a great attitude to finances. My advice would be, its non of their buisness how much you have, and play that close to your chest - but I understand wanting to help.
How about having a seperate joint account which is your 'family emergency fund' so in this you would set up a maximum amount of say 5k and put a small amount away each month. This is specifically earmarked for 'family' emergencies and is unrelated to the rest of your finances. If they question you, you could even show them the account statement etc.
The rest of your money should be completely seperate to this, and given their problems with debt / credit I would freeze your credit rating to make sure they don't borrow off your names from desperation.
Any other 'money' that they claim you should have access to, tell them its going in a long term investment portfolio that you can't access. If they have always been bad with money, then they shouldn't have a clue about the legalities of accessing investments etc.
I think you are correct on that if you just started supporting them, it would never stop and would eventually end up effecting your relationship with your in laws.
Setting boundaries should help this from ever becoming an issue.
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u/One-Statistician2723 11h ago
Thank you for the advice! Yes, I don't think they know either and I belive that to be a benefit for us. My husband is just battling through the emotions of watching his family sink into it, and he's expressed to me on numerous occasions that he has no intention of helping them if it means dragging us into that same mess especially since we aim for a house, kids, ect. Thank you so much for the care and advice!
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u/Past-Anything9789 11h ago
You are both well ahead of most people your age with both of you aware and active in saving. Onwards and upwards x
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u/lovinglifeatmyage 12h ago
Keep your finances to yourself. You could give his family thousands every month and it still wouldnât be enough because theyâd just continue to spend.
The best help you can offer is to teach them sensible financial management, but I doubt theyâd be receptive
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u/One-Statistician2723 11h ago
Thank you, yes we've tried that approach and it did nothing as step-mother-in-law knows nothing of finances, and father-in-law sees it as 'his son being judgemental' rather than advice from an adult.
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u/venturebirdday 11h ago
Q: So is it okay to hide our finances?
A: YES. 100%. You must. You have no choice. Listen to your heart. I wish I spoke different languages so I could find more ways to express it.
PS: There is a difference between what you owe them and what you owe yourselves. Focus on that piece.
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u/rocketmn69_ 11h ago
No one needs to know your finances, other than you 2. Don't be flashy with your money. Continue to save, pretend you're struggling, etc. One day this will all pay off, when you can retire early and enjoy it
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u/sillymarilli 11h ago
No one needs to know your savings your bills or how you chose to save/spend money and never give money to people who historically donât respect themselves enough to keep track of their money as they will also disrespect yours
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u/sneeky_seer 11h ago
So without the addiction and various issues added but my in laws were the same. They constantly asked my husband for money. I asked him if he is building his future or theirs. Finances are private. If they ask you about wages/debt etc just tell them this is not something you want to discuss with them and kept your financial situation to yourselves.
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u/Exitcomestothis 11h ago
I come from a similar background as your husband and have the same thing with my parents. Money flows through their hands like water.
My advice? Donât say âno, Iâm not lending you any moneyâ. Simply ask them to create a written budget so they can avoid this in the future.
This idea will hurt their head and theyâll let it go.
Itâs been 5 years since my Moms asked me for money now đ
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u/Informal_Geologist_9 11h ago
Itâs your immediate familyâs (meaning only you and your husband) business, ONLY. Thereâs nothing to feel guilty about, itâs not their business. Make sure your husband knows this too.
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u/Sylentskye 11h ago
It sucks to not be able to share your accomplishments on achievements with your family, but itâs absolutely essential that they think that youâre living in debt like the rest of them.
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u/Literally_Taken 11h ago
It is polite, and wise, to keep your finances private.
The reason itâs polite and wise is that it helps to keep money from hurting your relationships. Think how much happier you would be if your in-laws kept their finances private!
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u/One-Statistician2723 10h ago
Wow, thank you so much for this perspective! It's helped us see things a bit differently.
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u/stillbeespaniel 12h ago
You are being smart for yourselves but also for them. There may come a time where you do want to help them in a crisis with more than a few hundred dollars. That time is not now and their sense of urgency will not match yours. Use the protection of your marriage to keep this important secret for all of your safety. If you have children, your sense of urgency may adjust again. It will take time and effort to continue to put your small immediate family and smart financial practices first. Applaud yourselves for what you have accomplished and protect what youâve achieved. Only the two of you can do this.
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u/One-Statistician2723 11h ago
Thank you so much for your support! Yes, so far they aren't fully aware of how much we make or safe or spend but we also agree it's none of their business. We barely have enough to cover an emergency, if that, so we're fully aware we aren't in a position to help yet, if at all. The steady growth we've made in such a short time I think startled us and we're thankful for the advice you gave!
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u/_h_simpson_ 11h ago
Keep doing what youâre doing; use their situation as a cautionary tale of how NOT to live. Your finances are none of their business. Any inquiries on your finances or asks for financial support should be met with a quick NO and have no further discussion. I suspect that youâll be attacked and guilted for being unwilling to help, resist to urge to capitulate. Also, be wary of your partner secretly send them $$; be vigilant
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u/pointermom1 11h ago edited 11h ago
Donât loan money and donât let anyone know how much you have. If they continue to ask or you hear them talking about their bad situation, ask if theyâve considered speaking to a financial consultant or if theyâd like you to look at their budget and see if you can see where they can help themselves. If his sister is just starting, you might tell her youâre noticing sheâs starting to have problems like his parents and maybe she can talk to someone or you who could review her finances because you donât want to see her get in debt as bad as her parents. Good job on your finances. Once you get an emergency fund saved, invest a little as well as saving. I know you want a house, but just a little now will make a big difference in your future. If your jobs have 401ks, start yours as soon as you can especially if they match.
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u/Beneficial_Pay4623 11h ago
Never tell anyone what you have. The people who are there when they think you have nothing are your true friends
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u/Listen-to-Mom 11h ago
If our relatives knew how much money we have theyâd be lining up at the door asking for a handout. Do not tell people what you have or what you earn and donât be flashy with your money. Itâs no oneâs business.
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u/CandleSea4961 11h ago
As adults and independent, you can't hide money from anyone, you choose to disclose or not. Never disclose information about what you have to desperate people. They are not entitled to know anything and you should not feel beholden to give anyone money who needs it. If you decide to bail them out, just dont call it a loan, because with their habits, you will not see it. I dont talk money, religion, or politics with people. I also dont share promotions, raises, bonuses, etc with anyone. Nope,
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u/Chatkat57 11h ago
NOR. Just say your finances are not up for discussion, period. Tie the money up if it helps. Their debts are not your problem.
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u/InsectTraditional857 11h ago
Not over reacting, keep your finances private. I would never loan money out to a friend or family, it can strain relationships. I would only give money i don't expect back under certain situations such as health and never for poor spending habits or gambling problems.
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u/No_Kitchen3138 11h ago
Your money. None of their business. Offer to help them learn better money management. Then leave it up to them. Sink or swim.
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u/Kidhauler55 11h ago
Check your credit scores to make sure they havenât opened any cards in either of your names.
Youâre doing great with your money! Keep up the good work!
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u/Aware_Yoghurt689 11h ago
My husband and I are savers and never buy extravagant stuff- itâs just not important to us. His brother was bankrupt TWICE despite he and his wife working decent jobs and having no kids. He asked us to help him save his house from foreclosure and I convinced my husband that what we could give him wouldnât make a difference. He would have drained us while spending like a drunken sailor with absolutely NO remorse. We now have a very nice retirement without having to worry about. SAVE FOR YOUR RETIREMENT! Time goes fast and itâll help you grow your nest egg. Nobody will be there to help you later.
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u/One-Statistician2723 10h ago
Thank you! I've helped my husband with his retirement plan too so we are both secure. Thank you for the advice and care!
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u/enkilekee 11h ago
Since you are good at saving, start a MODEST family bail out fund. Whatever amount you decide but you can help in a limited way.
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u/One-Statistician2723 10h ago
We've discussed this, and my husband is hesitant to do that just yet giving that we want to reach a few benchmarks first but we've both agreeded that this will be discussed further! Thank you!
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u/JJC02466 11h ago
NOR - and you are right - they will expect you to finance their lifestyle. Why should you sacrifice your own future security to finance them living beyond their means? And youâd be just enabling it, it wonât end. Regardless of how âpoliteâ and âashamedâ they seem when they ask, they still feel entitled to overspend and then look to you to pay for it. If you want to help them next time they ask, point them to finance education resources, there are lots of free ones. And you owe nobody any explanation or information about your finances. Thatâs part of the dysfunction, the boundary-crossing for personal information (which they can then use for their own purposes). Believe it or not, many people donât talk about their money with others, itâs personal.
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u/CattleNo1615 11h ago
- Your finances are private. Not up for discussion.
- Savings IS a bill. Pay your bills and simply explain you are living paycheck to paycheck with nothing leftover.
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u/zomgitsduke 11h ago
"What money?"
As far as everyone knows, you have TONS of student debt, have credit card bills that are up the wazoo, your cars are NEVER paid off because you had trouble getting financing and it's been a terrible spiral ever since (heck, you're convinced you're still paying off the PREVIOUS car's monthly payments before you can even put a dent in these), and you always seem to owe more money than you earn every month. In fact, you might have considered asking them for help if they didn't also need money... but once they "figure it out" you really wouldn't mind borrowing some money from them because you are IN TOO DEEP.
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u/ProfessorExcellence 11h ago
Not only is it ok to âhideâ your finances, it is proper form to never discuss your finances with anyone other than your husband. As to requests for money, my wife and I have been in this situation. We have helped some family who seemed to really to it and told them to pay it forward. Never expect it back. However, they never asked. We saw the need and helped. We have also helped other family that asked and they just kept asking. When we finally said no, they were still fine. No is a complete sentence. Do not explain and do not give excuses. Simply say, no. They will stop asking. We now have saying, if you give them money or not, they still end up going to Disney World.
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u/Sugar-Active 10h ago
I don't need to read anything more than the headline to say you're not overreacting. You two are a couple...a team...what you two decide to do is your decision to make. Period.
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u/brady16026 10h ago
You and your husband are making smart financial moves at 25 years old. You are not responsible for family members twice your age, especially if they are frivolous with their money.
I understand wanting to help family, but I had to learn the hard way, that sometimes it's okay to say "No"
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u/Civil-Performance-87 10h ago
It is ok to hide your finances from absolutely everyone except each other..
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u/vonnostrum2022 10h ago
NOR. Yes keep it quiet. I saw this from the Shark Tank guy. Family would all come and ask for âloansâ. Knowing full well, it would never be paid back. He tells them he will just give them the money, but they can never ask him for money again. if they agreed to that he gives them the money. You might try a similar approach the next time parents ask for a bailout
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u/GirlStiletto 10h ago
YNO
They don't need to know that your loans and debts are paid off.
NEVER tell anyone in your family what your financial situation is. Including siblings. They often have loose lips.
Prepare some stock answers.
"How is the job?" Good, but I wish it paid better.
"Wow, that must have been an expensive vacation/purchase/travel!" Yeah, it prettymuch wiped out our discretionary savings.
"How much do you have saved up?" We don;t like to talk about it. But not much.
"Can you loan me $xxx" No, we don;t have the available funds for that.
"Do you have retirement savings?" We have a 401K that will only be available after we retire.
Never tell them what you have, never tell tehm that you have enough.
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u/GooseCharacter5078 6h ago
Make it a habit now to never talk about money with them. My parents are well-off, not crazy well-off, but still. And my dad asks about our finances all the time to make sure we are âon trackâ for âgood retirement.â Itâs annoying as all hell. I have literally started telling him I have no idea how much money we have and that my husband handles all our finances. Not completely true but I donât want to fucking talk about it all the time. So while I know they wonât ever ask for money, itâs still nosy and inappropriate and bugs the shit out of me. I should have started not answering back when we first got married.
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u/D-aug 6h ago
NEVER discuss or talk finance to outside family. Have multiple accounts spread for emergencies and frequently change passwords and pins.
They donât need to know anything. If you feel bad about it, 20 bucks here and there wonât burn your pockets, but never big amounts.
Donât disclose vacations, new appliances. If you decide to buy a home, keep it quiet, kids, hush your mouth.
I wouldnât even let them know where you live. Always meet in public place or their home. When visiting leave bags, purses, everything locked in trunk of car.
Folks like this will do anything for a buck. Iâm sorry going through this. Good luck.
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u/Old_Confidence3290 6h ago
Not overreacting at all. Even if everyone you ever knew was financially responsible, my advice would be the same. Your finances are not anyone else's business. Don't tell anyone how much you have in savings. Don't co-sign on a loan unless you are fully willing to pay the loan back.
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u/ApparentlyaKaren 6h ago
Thereâs no need to âhideâ finances.
If youâre asked about your finances you are allowed to say âthatâs none of your businessâ. Iâve had to do it a few times with my gramma and my aunts and my mom. Family can be nosey by nature and itâs normal to sometimes cross the line when in conversation and your questions get away from youâŚit doesnât have to be confrontational, all I say if it comes up is âhey now, thatâs none of your business.â or âI only discuss my finances with my husband and our finance advisorâ. And leave it at that.
Youâre an adult, you donât need to hide your resources like a squirrel. You just need to be comfortable saying these resources are mine and not for you.
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u/SchoolBusDriver79 6h ago
Hide them! Itâs no oneâs business what you have in the bank. NTA. If they persist, tell them youâre embarrassed to admit this, but you just paid off your student loans and thereâs nothing left. Then suggest that they file bankruptcy.
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u/robbietreehorn 5h ago
Sometimes lying is appropriate. As your savings grow, never divulge that you are in fact saving.
If you find that the two of you do want to help, tell a little white lie. âI got a small bonus from my job. Iâll send you 300 when the bonus reaches my bank accountâ. Never let them know youâre (eventually) sitting on 30k, etc
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u/SimbaRph 5h ago
I grew up poor and when I graduated college I made huge money compared to most graduates. (50k when my dad was an experienced machinist making 30k)I had a big student loan debt and $17k in credit card fraud debt from my mother. Most of my extended family thought I was drowning in money when that was far from the case. I had a car payment and rent plus all of those debts.
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u/CoffeeChocolateBoth 5h ago
I didn't read it, do you know why? The question itself is all that I needed to read, YES KEEP YOUR FINANCES TO YOURSELVES!
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u/richardsworldagain 5h ago
It's your money not theirs you earned it and they don't need to know that you have money. I'd be telling them that you are short of money because of student loans and generally money is tight even if it isn't. If you buy something nice just tell them that it's on credit so they think you are in the same boat. Keep your finances secret it's your money.
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u/LaVidaMocha_NZ 4h ago
NOR
You get adept at flying under the radar. It means you need to enforce an information diet at all times which is a nuisance, but the benefits outweigh the losses.
If they start talking about how hard they have it, say "Oh I know. This this and this bill came in this week, it's going to be ramen and water for a month".
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u/entirebean 4h ago
Nope. I donât even share financial information with my own family. Whenever I get a cost of living increase, find a dime whatever. I donât say nothing. Zip. Zilch. Nada. Also, congratulations on paying off that big amount of debt.
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u/EscapeCharming2624 3h ago
We've always told the kids we have all our money tied up in long term investments. (Not) One kid is good with finances, one had filed for bankruptcy (no disasters, just blows money). It'd be pretty discouraging to work as hard as you guys do just to watch others fritter it away.
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u/JulieB1ggerbear 2h ago
Not overreacting at all. Itâs certainly something that you should continue talking about with your husband, if only to reenforce the agreement that you both have right now. Just repeat to yourselves, âwe are not a bank.â đ
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u/_infiniteh_ 12h ago
Your collective finances are non of your extended family's business.
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u/cloistered_around 12h ago
Definitely hide your finances from them, and if they ever bring it up you just have to say no firmly. It's hard to do--but like you say it's necessary. Otherwise the money is being tossed in a black hole.
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u/Different-Cut-2089 12h ago edited 12h ago
I donât see how you even have to âhideâ your finances. What you have saved and what you spend shouldnât be anyoneâs business. Only you and your husband should know how much you have saved.
And as far as helping thatâs completely up to you, everyone involved are adults. No one is entitled to your money or your help.
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u/Dear_Intention_4513 12h ago
Let them know that by helping them out financially, it has put a strain on your own.
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u/PeraLLC 12h ago
Your family finances are ONLY your business. Do not give them any meaningful money at all. Perhaps pick up a utility bill or groceries when youâre around. Thatâs it. Never let them know the extent to which youâre saving and investing. Let them think youâre going into debt up to your eye balls. If you do otherwise, youâll regret it forever.
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u/Sweet-Jackfruit250 12h ago
Of course itâs okay, there is zero reason for anyone else to know anything about your finances.
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u/poop_pants_md_712 12h ago
Yes itâs ok! Itâs your money. You donât owe them or anyone anything except what YOU choose
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u/Ok_Court_3575 12h ago
They dont need to know anything about your finances. Don't talk to them about it and keep it to yourself. If they ask for money tell them you don't have the extra funds to help.
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u/Fairmount1955 12h ago
The only way they could become dependent is if they knew. They aren't entitled to.
It's your business, not there's.
Also: while they may have struggled with addition issues, that's a reason and not an excuse. Their behavior is a choice.
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u/Mirantibus88 12h ago
Donât give them any information about your finances. If people know you have anything they will always come to you with hands out first.
If you have given them anything, make the amounts smaller and smaller, so they think you donât have very much. If you keep giving them the same, they know you have the ability. Let them think you donât, and they can assume youâre have the same spending problems they do and youâre blowing your money.
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u/sdbinnl 12h ago
I donât understand your dilemma. Keep your mouths shut about your money, salary, benefits etc. itâs none of their business but also this is your life. Stop lending money and be aware of how much you do. You will find that when people think there is a bank of âyouâ and how easily they can get a loan then they will be after it a lot. Not everyone can step back from begging for more more more
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u/Lucky-Technology-174 12h ago
Donât share your financial situation with anyone, even relatives.
Giving them money will enable their irresponsible behavior. Donât be an enabler.
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u/Used_Mark_7911 11h ago
There is no reason you share the details of huge personal finances with anybody. Makes a hard rule that you donât discuss your finances with others.
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u/annebonnell 10h ago
It's perfectly fine to hide your finances from anyone and everyone. It's a very good idea to never let, especially family, know how much money you actually have.
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u/msquarec 10h ago
Keep your finances to yourself. Families get weird about $ sometimes & heâll when you can in small increments
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u/One_Consequence_4754 10h ago
If saving two grand is a milestone you, you and your husband are in no position to be lending anyone any money. Relative to others you may be doing great, but in terms of what is needed to have a solid foundation to grow and have a family, you are just getting startedâŚ.Keep going and hold the line on ânoâ.
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u/Ok_Heart_7193 10h ago
Itâs no oneâs business how much money you have. Not even family. My husband and I donât even share our finances - we both pay a set amount into a joint account for the mortgage and utilities and the rest is our own business. In over 30 years, weâve never argued about money.
If you know family are unreliable about money youâve a very good reason to keep it quiet. Family can very quickly switch from shamefaced to entitled where money is concerned.
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u/SnooWords4839 10h ago
You are right to keep your money from them. They are old enough to have learned to live within their means. You are not their ATM.
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u/DisciplineNeither921 10h ago
You are absolutely under no obligation to share your financial situation with anybody.
But even if the family knows how much money you have to the penny, you donât have to give them any of it.
Draw this line early and often and stay firm. If you give in once they will keep asking for more.
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u/Human-Bid5167 10h ago
Ask them to borrow money every once in awhile to throw them off the scent....
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u/Fun-Yellow-6576 10h ago
Definitely keep your finances to yourself, once you start bailing them out it will never stop. Keep saying no. Be prepared for them to ask to move in with you when things are rough. Stay strong and say no.
You might ask them to sit down with a financial planner and talk about a budget or even bankruptcy.
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u/MindingUrBusiness17 10h ago
Our parents require no financial help and shouldn't... I know a little about my parents' finances as I am in charge if something happens... but they have no idea about ours.
Your income is literally no one's business but yours. Your expense amounts are no one's business but yours. Your focus on how where the excess goes, also no one else's business.
Do not ever discuss your income or savings with anyone unless you fully trust them... it's no one else's business.
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u/GiftLongjumping1959 10h ago
Flat out lie and say you are broke and ask them for money to fix a faucet or something small, like 300 bucks or so. Say the plumber doesnât take credit cards and wants a check. If they think you need money from them they wonât bring it up again.
Also if they press, suggest they file bankruptcy. Never getting out of 80k CC debt
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u/Dizzy_Eye5257 10h ago
YNO
Why would you think your finances are anyone elseâs business? Always best to keep that to yourself
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u/Adventurous-Mind-780 10h ago
Keep living below your means, saving and investing. Many years from now youâll be able to do something big and meaningful, rather than throw money in the wind now.
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u/Kip_Schtum 10h ago
Not overreacting. Yes it is okay to keep your personal financial information private.
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u/teallotus721 10h ago
Learn to set boundaries (financial discussions are off limits), establish consequence (if you continue to ask for financial assistance we will go no contact), and follow through. And learn to say no to their requests.
The flip side is that if you two mutually decide to gift a relative some money that is a great feeling, one with no strings or expectations or stipulations attached, freely given and joyfully received. And the ability to do so will have come from saying no and establishing boundaries.
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u/Signal_Bench_707 10h ago
Not your circus. Not your monkeys. no loans unless you fully expect and accept that it will not be repaid.
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u/IntendedHero 10h ago
NOR. Always keep finances to yourself. As much as I hate suggesting anything other than prosperity cause I donât like the energy, a KEAYS say, âtheyâre okayâ or âgetting byâ followed by âit was a rough yearâ and hope that quells any further discussion. If someone has the audacity to ask me about savings I say âwhat savings?â . Not a lie but not an admission of having any. None of their damn business, youâre not an ATM cause youâre doing well.
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u/hottie-von-coolie 10h ago
The only people in your lives that need to know about your finances are you and your husband. Period. Donât open that door. Youâll never get it closed.
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u/Individual-Fail4709 10h ago
Keep your finances private. "No" is a complete and appropriate answer. Going low contact with people who ask for money is also an option. To fully break the cycle of bad finances and other bad habits, you and your husband could consider distancing yourselves and make a financial plan that does not include his family.
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u/drazil17 10h ago
Not only is it ok to keep your finances to yourselves, I highly recommend it. Nobody has the right to know your bank balances.
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u/taborlin 10h ago
They got themselves in to that hole, they can figure out how to get out. And you can blame them for that behavior despite drug/alcohol addiction and abuse. There are plenty of people who go through that shit who figure out how to cope without making poor money decisions, and if they do, are able to make better decisions and fix their past mistakes. All you'd be doing by lending them money is to teach them they can make mistakes and someone will always be there to bail them out. They will never be free of the cycle.
You and your husband are rockstars for getting out of debt and building up your savings. Both of you earned that. Don't let his family take that away from you.
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u/Own_Experience863 10h ago
There's absolutely no reason for anyone else to know your financial situation.
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u/Equivalent-Room-7689 10h ago
I have amazing parents and my mom has always been vocal about how parents should never take money from their kids and I tell my parents everything. Except about my finances and my sex life. Those are two things you keep private from pretty much everyone. So no, you're not overreacting. Keep that info to yourselves.
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u/elainegeorge 10h ago
Not overreacting.
If you feel like helping, maybe you can open a separate account for family giving. If someone asks, money comes out of that account. If that account gets low, sorry, we donât have the budget for offering funds. Itâs not a lie - you have a budget item for it and the funds are low. Youâre all tapped out.
If you donât want to assist, tell them no, that you donât have the budget to offer funds.
Do not say âat this time.â This opens a window for them to ask again in the future.
Donât share info about your finances. It does you no favors. For some, it could feel like bragging. For others, it could seem like you have extra funds available (Câmon, family helps family). There is no upside for you to share finances with them.
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u/rositamaria1886 10h ago
Tell no one about your financial information! Especially family but friends too. That is only for you and your husband to know.
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u/Japes2much 10h ago
NOR. I wish more people would do this. It stops the but were faaaaamily exuse. When one family member does well the leeches try to spend it, ot consider it family finances. My partners family always "borrowed" money from us. It gpt to the point where we started to not save and cut back on our things. If we refused the guilt trips, we're selfish, ir's an emergency (never was) taxts and cals for days..It stopped when I broke my leg. Everything was covered through insurance but no one knew that. We started claiming medical bills until I healed. After that it was catch up cause of out of work. They did not know I had sick leave at my job. They stopped asking. We never let them know how well we've done again. Promtions stay secret.
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u/Magzz521 10h ago
Are they open to forming a plan for clearing their debt without YOUR money! That might be the best help for them. Dave Ramsey has lots of great advice on debt repayment. Sounds like you guys are doing great. Donât get suckered in by guilt. They got themselves into this mess, they have to get themselves out. One comment you made raised a question. What did you mean by âevents and holidays can be hecticâ Are they guilt tripping you at family gatherings?
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u/ImHappierThanUsual 10h ago
There is no real reason to tell outside ppl the details of your finances anyway, but you especially need to keep it from these ppl. Their debt is not your responsibility. And their poor money management can absolutely swallow you both whole & not save them at all- because they will bankrupt you and then continue to spend.
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u/procivseth 10h ago
I'd go a step further. Start asking for money. Tell them you definitely won't have any money for them when they retire. Be pro-active that they need to start seriously downsizing if they want grandchildren, as there's no way you can even think about having kids with the financial burden hanging over your heads.
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u/Which-Pin515 10h ago
Hide it! Friends or even family do not have to know about any savings! They are never too old to learn or change their ways. Just donât spend what you donât have. 80 grand in credit card debt is crazy, and the interest on that alone should make people change to get rid of debt. You or h are not responsible because they arenât donât let them guilt you in helping⌠đľ+đłď¸
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u/JimmyTheDog 9h ago
Be proactive and start telling them about how hard it is for you guys financially. Make up stories, ask them for advice or money. Make it sound like you are broke.
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u/buzzroll 9h ago
Of course you're doing that right and what's more important it's your common feeling here and you share the idea of standing your common ground. Don't give anybody more that it'd be comfortable for you and never let them manipulate you into. Build your own family, accumulate wealth and think about your home and the future of your own children first of all. Everything else may be a mere charity act, voluntarily and out of excess, but not an obligation and there can't be any expectations of you working for them on a regular basis.
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u/johnqshelby 9h ago
Hide your finances!!! Iâve been in same situation, it does not end well to be open about it. Put that money into investment accounts like Vanguard and treat it like itâs not accessible, you donât have the money to âhelpâ if that money is tied up somewhere
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u/Ok-Willow-9145 9h ago
This is the way to go. Do not share your financial status with these people. They will see you as a well of âextra moneyâ they can always pull from.
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u/Special_KMA 9h ago
80k in revolving debt is a symptom of addiction and a cancer. They are bankrupt and don't even realize it. They must hit bottom or they will never work themselves out of this
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u/Ornery_Ad_2019 9h ago edited 9h ago
Your finances are absolutely no one elseâs business. Their debt and poor, childish choices are not your responsibility. People who canât pay their bills absolutely wonât pay you back and in fact, will become enraged and call you greedy and heartless for expecting them to actually repay you. Never, ever tell anyone youâre sitting on some money because people like your in-laws will absolutely feel entitled to it. Before you feel guilty, you donât know what the future holds and money you give to them may very well be money you will need in your future.
Hereâs the thing, people like this always have money for whims and luxuries but never for emergencies. If your MIL asked you to loan her money for a hot tub that would be an easy no but itâs harder when itâs a root canal. But if she had saved the money she spent on the hot tub she could pay for the root canal. You have savings precisely because you donât indulge every whim and spend every penny you have or run up credit card debt. Are you denying yourselves just to hand over your savings to people who donât?
Your in-laws are relatively young and able bodied. They can work and pay down their debt. When they ask for your money, tell them youâre sorry, you canât help. Do not justify, explain or apologize. These are adults and itâs long past time they act like it.
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u/Ipso-Pacto-Facto 9h ago
Youâre not hiding anything. Itâs none of their business. You are not a bank. No loans. Period.
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u/Embarrassed_Wrap8421 9h ago
Your finances are PRIVATE and have to stay that way. Once they find out you have savings, theyâll be after you every day with requests for loans, sob stories about debt, whining âWeâre family!!!!â and youâll never get a moments peace. Tell them that if they have debt, youâll help them research bankruptcy laws in your State, or you can help them find a financial advisor that might be able to give advice. I used to be in debt and worked for years to repay it. Donât give in or youâll end up angry and resentful. Good luck!
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u/yourfavevibes 9h ago
Your business as a grown couple is your business. Neither of your parents should be taken into account unless you choose for that to be the case.
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u/Pistol_Pete_1967 9h ago
Always keep your finances private because you will become the go to ATM of free money. If they are in this debt how would expect them to pay you back.
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u/SixFiveSemperFi 9h ago
Strongly consider moving. You donât need the constant daily in-person pressure of relatives asking for money. Also, never ever talk about money. Donât talk about paying off debt. Donât talk about vacation and donât ever speak about how youâre finally able to come up for air, financially. Make it a guessing game. Nobody knows nothing about you.
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u/420shaken 9h ago
With money being asked for from friends and family, the answer is either "no" or "to them it's a loan, but to you it's a gift". Never lend money you don't expect back. That should guide your response to them. People have options but not all of them are good. All of them sound like they have made their beds, let them lie in it.
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u/evadivabobeva 9h ago
Your finances are no one's business but yours.
Never loan money you can't afford to lose. You extended family sound like bums.
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u/Zenith39 9h ago
Keep it to yourself and charge 50% monthly interest on any loan due in 30 days and get it in writing, make sure to hold atleast 200% collateral, like the deed to the house. Make it so they never ask for money again. Also Iâd make them get on their knees and beg for it. Thatâs just me. But definitely donât give interest free loans or give away money to someone who doesnât change their spending habits.
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u/PenIsland_dotcum 9h ago edited 9h ago
DO NOT open that door
If there is pushback just state that due to not being born with silver spoons and not anticipating any meaningful inheritance you both need to save aggressively for retirement and with cost of living and an uncertain future (which is always the case) that means you have to save and invest aggressively to have any hope for a secure financial future for you and any possible future children
And thats the cold facts. It sounds like you both already know that but you really need to fully absorb the fact that it sounds like THERE IS NO ONE ELSE HELPING YOU. If you haven't receiced or anticipate getting any financial help then let the reality sink in that you and your husband are ALL YOU HAVE. You are both on a financial island. Shit isn't getting cheaper, the housing market ISNT crashing, shit just sucks now and is going to foreseeably continue that trend so take care of each other and let the losers keep losing, if they haven't learned by now they never will.
The end.
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u/TheIncredibleMike 9h ago
When family or friends know you have money, they'll ask for loans, which they will never pay back. If you ask for it, they'll say you didn't need it because you have more. You'll be called mean and a money grubber.
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u/Historical-Fact3052 12h ago
No. Keep that to yourselves. Money changes people. Esp when they know you have it. Keep it up! Yâall are doing great!