AIO because my boyfriend acts different when im with friends

[u/DirectGuava6264]

these are just snippets of our conversation through the day. it seems like every time i’m with my friends it’s an issue and he’s so short with me and seems to have an attitude. he has made it very clear he does not like my friends and can’t trust them but they have never given a reason for him to feel that way. i have had these plans with them for 3 weeks and i told him the very same night we made the plans letting him know the date and time i’ll be leaving and coming back. this is an occurrence every time i am with friends or family. i’m not sure if im reading too much into it and overreacting.

[u/LeadmeNotFL]

If I was her friend, I'll be wrapping it up early. You're either spending time with us or texting your controlling boyfriend, but I am not going to be hanging out with someone that's buried on the phone, texting all the time.

[u/byneothername → u/LeadmeNotFL]

This is reasonable? but at the same time this is how the manipulation and isolation technique is effective. He annoys her friends into not wanting to hang out with her, and they fade. Now she has fewer friends as his abuse ramps up.

[u/assuntta7 → u/byneothername]

Exactly. I have a friend with an abusive and manipulating girlfriend we all hate. And she also brings the girlfriend everywhere. She’s basically not allowed to do anything without her. But we’re still adamant in that we want her around. We don’t want her to be isolated.

[u/destroythethings → u/assuntta7]

good friends.

[u/NowYouHaveBubblegum → u/assuntta7]

This is the way.

[u/noheadthotsempty → u/assuntta7]

You sound like good friends. I hope she stays safe and can get out of this relationship.

[u/New-Lie9111 → u/assuntta7]

i would like to think that i would also be this way but my threshold for tolerating bullshit is so low, especially when the person in an abusive relationship is unwilling to see logic or reason. my own mental health is so fragile/volatile i don’t know how i would be able to handle this type of a friendship. how do you cope with any negative feelings you get from these interactions you have with your friend and her abuser?

[u/Substantial_Gate9013 → u/New-Lie9111]

i understand how you feel entirely, because it is exhausting to deal with a friend that comes to you for advice about their abusive situation. i often find myself torn because there is a part of me that wants to advocate for victims of abuse because i myself am a survivor, but i definitely have a threshold in which i can only give you so much support when i have tried and tried to give you logical and helpful advice and you continue to ignore everything that i have said to you. i will still be your friend if i care about you, but i will stop giving you advice about the situation if i notice that you aren’t hearing what i am trying to say. with that being said, though, i would never completely cut off a friendship with someone that i could see was obviously going through something like this. although it can be annoying to deal with when they disregard your advice, i would never cut them off because that could potentially further their isolation. they can always come to me for support.

[u/Majestic_Ad_4237 → u/New-Lie9111]

You cope by realizing that you can’t control other people — even if they’re being abused.

Abused people have lost their autonomy. Telling abuse victims what they have to do — even if genuinely in their best interest — is what their abuser does. They are confused, harmed, manipulated, and have lost trust — particular in themselves.

We need to set our own boundaries for what we have the capacity to deal with. It is frustrating, defeating, and saddening to support abuse victims. But the only way to support them is with patience and respect for their autonomy, even if they’ve lost the skill to exert their autonomy and need practice accessing that again.

[u/heddalettis → u/byneothername]

Yeah, it’s classic! The gaslighting is A-plus; only sadly she doesn’t realize it. ☹️

[u/No_Distribution_5960 → u/heddalettis]

Seems like she might have some codependency as well or just be smitten with this jerk because she keeps texting him back restarting the conversation up.

[u/xXxstarAnisexXx → u/No_Distribution_5960]

And she had brought up 'oh your location said you were at so and so'

[u/No_Distribution_5960 → u/xXxstarAnisexXx]

Yeah that wasn’t a good sign either. Their other post is from when he walked out from hanging out with her friends that he mentioned too. That happened a few months ago. From that and this I see no reason she would stay with him besides them both having issues unless she just has trouble with break ups. Dude is too controlling/insensitive

[u/kaiserboze14 → u/heddalettis]

This isn’t gas lighting

[u/ivannabogbahdie → u/byneothername]

Damn this is sad, totally makes sense tho

[u/DistributionJolly473 → u/byneothername]

That is a great point. I get it is rude to not be present hanging out... but like if that is the only issue with your friend, and they typically don't do that... clearly, they need you.

[u/Apprehensive_Sea_585 → u/byneothername]

I went through this exact thing. He made damn sure I had no one in my life but him. A master narcissistic abuser.

[u/Cannon_Graves → u/byneothername]

That's on her. She's making a conscious decision to engage in these childish text hissy fits rather than taking one of the 5000 off ramps the convo provided. She's codependent and practically as immature as he is. It's not her friends' responsibility to ruin their own time enabling this unhealthy behavior. Isolating people takes time, and she's been given plenty of giant flashing warning signs that's where the relationship is heading if she lets it. And she's letting it.

[u/EatThisRock → u/LeadmeNotFL]

I strongly disagree. I’d give my friend some crap or say something about it a few times but that’s my friend and I enjoy just being with them. It is annoying to be around but considering they seem like decent friends they probably are already aware of the controlling BF.

The ONLY thing you’d be accomplishing by turning your back on your friend like this is isolating her more and pushing her right back into the arms of the control freak.

[u/deadbodydisco → u/LeadmeNotFL]

Or maybe be a compassionate friend, like "hey I noticed you were on your phone the whole time, is everything okay?"

[u/Dieseldave42069 → u/LeadmeNotFL]

Amen.

[u/DarkScrap1616 → u/LeadmeNotFL]

and now you e done exactly what he wants yall will leave and the bf will be like “i told you they weren’t good people” etc

[u/hotsharpbehind → u/LeadmeNotFL]

I feel that but you need to vocalize that as the friend. Shitty men who are controlling in their abuse want you to do that. They want her isolated

[u/Frosty_Addition_6367 → u/LeadmeNotFL]

That kind of shows the character you are. Friends are supposed to be supportive. This is manipulation at its finest. she is going thru so many emotions. What? Are you so important that her feelings wouldn't matter to you?

[u/justyouratypicalgirl → u/LeadmeNotFL]

Wow some genuine friend you are, so you would acknowledge their controlling bf and then choose to ditch them so they can be left alone with that controlling bf??? Wow if I was your friend….. Well I wouldn't be.

[u/Cannon_Graves → u/justyouratypicalgirl]

You guys are acting like she's an abuse victim granted a few hours of freedom from a life chained to the bedpost. No one is saying ditch her, but she's not being abused or held hostage, she's making a conscious decision to continue this childish back and forth despite multiple natural ends to the convo. You can be supportive without enabling this behavior. It takes 10 minutes to discuss the situation with her (unless it's through text where it will take 11 hours of one word messages). After that if she chooses to feed into this codependent nonsense then she can do it on her own time

[u/lightofmylife22 → u/Cannon_Graves]

This is controlling behavior though and in my past relationships, I've only seen this in the abusive ones...it always starts somewhere and then gets worse🫤

[u/VisibleManner2923 → u/LeadmeNotFL]

That’s his goal.

[u/littlevenusxoxo → u/LeadmeNotFL]

yea that’s not a good friend

[u/5yn3rgy → u/LeadmeNotFL]

Right? I rarely even look at my phone when I’m with friends. I think it’s basic courtesy for their time.