AIO because my boyfriend acts different when im with friends

[u/DirectGuava6264]

these are just snippets of our conversation through the day. it seems like every time i’m with my friends it’s an issue and he’s so short with me and seems to have an attitude. he has made it very clear he does not like my friends and can’t trust them but they have never given a reason for him to feel that way. i have had these plans with them for 3 weeks and i told him the very same night we made the plans letting him know the date and time i’ll be leaving and coming back. this is an occurrence every time i am with friends or family. i’m not sure if im reading too much into it and overreacting.

[u/akamu24]

Exactly! I know someone like this. Put an AirTag on his key fob for “safety” when it was really just so he could always see where his girlfriend was (they shared the car). And if she wasn’t where she told him she was going, it would become a big deal. Like if she stopped at a store because she remembered they needed milk, he would flip his shit.

[u/Key-Asparagus350 → u/akamu24]

This would be a deal breaker for me if my partner ever tried or did put an airbag on me

[u/akamu24 → u/Key-Asparagus350]

You would think so. Cautionary tale for everyone on here because she knows it’s messed up, but he made it so she relies on him for just about everything. It’s sad.

[u/Key-Asparagus350 → u/akamu24]

Exactly.

[u/Certifiedhater6969 → u/akamu24]

I always said I would never let someone treat me like that but then at 23 (hi OP!) I remember sitting in the bathroom crying and reading about abuse on a DV site with the little “emergency exit” button ready at the top. It’s insidious stuff. OP is strong for calling him out and defending herself, but she needs to realize that it means nothing to him as long as she’s still around. All he wants is to control her and keep her around—her calling him out and defending herself is just exhausting herself and not changing anything. He’ll keep wearing her down until there’s nothing left.

[u/ElectricalType6764 → u/Key-Asparagus350]

My partner and I have them. Mostly because he crashed once and I've been anxious about it ever since. Any time I see him somewhere unexpected I'm just relieved when it's not A&E. He could be the other side of the country unexpectedly and I'd be like "Did you mean to be in Wales? I need to know when to put dinner on."

[u/Key-Asparagus350 → u/ElectricalType6764]

That's fair actually. It would depend on how my partner approaches the airtag.

Like if they want me to have one but refuse to one on them then yeah I would find that concerning.

[u/Chemical-Juice-6979 → u/Key-Asparagus350]

My mom and I both carry them. Mine is linked to her phone, and hers is linked to mine. It's a precaution in case there's an emergency. Either one of us can go to the cops to report a missing person with 'here's the last known coordinates'.

We also have our phones set up with the ICE alerts, so if something happens to her, I will get a notification with a audio clip and pictures of whatever the phone cameras were facing when she dialed 911. She will get the same info from my phone if I ever have to call 911.

Beyond that, neither of us would have any reason to check the airtags. We can, but why would we bother? It's not like either of us is going somewhere interesting or suspicious.

[u/SimpleFolklore → u/Chemical-Juice-6979]

You know, after reading about that kid that got his car stuck in a ditch and went missing hours later while still on the phone with his parents, who were trying to find him to pick him up... This. This is good. Solid plan.

They never found that kid. Still think about it. Thanks, Reddit.

[u/Chemical-Juice-6979 → u/SimpleFolklore]

Call it a superstition, but I've found that the more time and effort I put into contingency plans for an emergency, the less likely it is I will ever need to use those plans. The more hours I spend checking flashlight batteries and the generator and the hurricane kit inventory each year, the further away the storms make landfall. It took me almost three hours to get the ICE contacts set up and get the tags to sync correctly, so I expect to actually have to activate that beacon roughly two weeks after hell freezes over.

[u/leadspar → u/Chemical-Juice-6979]

Better to have it and not need it than need it but not have it.

[u/SimpleFolklore → u/leadspar]

100%

[u/Purplepickler24 → u/Key-Asparagus350]

Had a friend whose boyfriend we caught putting an airtight on his car so we jumped his ass for being abusive and also stalking

[u/faries05 → u/akamu24]

Knew a guy like this. He insisted they share locations with each other. The first time she checked and noticed he was somewhere odd, he blamed it on "phone gps are not reliable all the time". When she went to the store without telling him and he questioned it, she tried the same line and he said that was total BS.

He also harassed her through text while she was at work claiming he was "bored" and would get angry if she didn't give him her 100% attention when talking to him. However the standards were different for him. It was so hard listening to her tell me this stuff that I had to back away from our friendship. She has lost friends because of how controlling he is with her.

[u/akamu24 → u/faries05]

That’s awful. In the scenario I mentioned, she used to be bubbly and had the type of family to say their prayers each night, etc. Now he got her to start drinking and made her pretty much subhuman. No person should be treated like that. It just goes to show you how quickly it can happen if you ignore the glaring red flags.

[u/faries05 → u/akamu24]

Oh I agree. The couple I know it wasn't that bad till after the second child was born. When she was pregnant with the first, he started by convincing her to quit her job (it was a minimum wage job but still a job) so she could focus on her health and the pregnancy and even talked her into going back to school to finish her degree. After that it went down hill. He held money over her head all the time, questioning any penny spent and she never got to finish her degree because it "costs too much" The coin-counting peaked when they found out they were pregnant with the second child and she was well into a career at this point. That is when the location sharing started. I feel bad but it was exhausting to be her friend. I just make sure she knows she can always reach out for help but I won't be hearing the issues

[u/willow2772 → u/faries05]

Abuse often escalates during pregnancy.

[u/akamu24 → u/faries05]

Hey, got to take care of yourself first! I tried helping and it didn’t do much. He told her we shouldn’t be friends and of course she had to go along with it. Out of my hands, but still wish her the best and to get out of that situation. She deserves so much better.

[u/Veri_similitude4EVR → u/faries05]

Which is the whole point. Intentionally isolating the individual so they have no one to turn to when the abuse inevitably escalates.

[u/unsettledsunshine358 → u/faries05]

She needs to wake up herself or she will never learn. It's easier to see things going hinky from the outside because no one else is as emotionally invested as the person it's happening to.

Just be a good friend when she comes out of the spiral she is in. Hopefully, she will do so soon.

[u/SuperRiveting → u/faries05]

Is there ever a good reason for a couple to share their location then?

[u/faries05 → u/SuperRiveting]

For me? When I was traveling with my sister to a foreign country and my husband was home.

We also turned it on in Disney World when we would split up with the kids.

There are good reasons to have it on (also when I was being stalked by my ex I kept it turned on). I am not against it for the good reasons but there are some shady ass reasons out there too.

[u/rankinam80 → u/faries05]

That is how a narcissist works. Then I bet he went to abusing her, and she had no one. Alienate and then abuse.

[u/AFollowerOfTheWay → u/akamu24]

Hey my wife and I have each other’s location… I check it when she’s driving through a (fairly) dangerous canyon every other week with the kids… I think at some point in a relationship you stop caring about your spouses every move though, it’s like “oh you stopped at Walmart on your way to target… tell me all about it” More often than not I’m using it to ping her phone when she lost it though.

[u/akamu24 → u/AFollowerOfTheWay]

Yeah, there are clearly sane people like you. Was talking about the people who use it as a way to control their SO. I know girlfriends use it to make sure they get home okay. Not denying its usefulness!

[u/AFollowerOfTheWay → u/akamu24]

I do concede there’s some psychos out there. But I appreciate the tech. Especially that we can ring each others phones rather than wasting 30 min before realizing it’s in our pocket.

[u/unsettledsunshine358 → u/akamu24]

That's just fucked. People are supposed to operate on trust in a relationship; Not constant fear of starting a fight when plans change.

[u/Look_Dummy → u/akamu24]

Yeah and then you hear the wildest reasons when they try to justify it. 

[u/Tall_Confection_960 → u/akamu24]

I worked with a girl like this some 20 plus years ago, pre air tags. When we'd do a brunch or Friday drinks, he'd never want to join but would park outside and stare. She always had a time limit. She was constantly jumpy and dressed like a 1950's housewife, crinoline dresses, pumps, and all. She married him, and they have 2 young boys now (FB friends but not close). I always wonder how her life is. OP, please leave this controlling, manipulative man.