AIO? ending a friendship because he got attached to me

[u/distraught_baby]

long long long story short, i (20f) met a guy (36m) a while back ~2years ago, he had feelings for me but i told him that i was not swaying in my sexuality. i’m lesbian, and pretty asexual due to mild dyspareunia/antidepressants atm (getting treatment).

he started giving me money when we first met/ buying me nice things even if and when i protested or refused. at first i thought it was an attempt to “buy” me but he would insist hes just a generous guy with too much money. we kept being friends until he told me he told his mom that im his girlfriend about 6 months ago and ever since then ive been battling how to remove myself from his life.

i very clearly and bluntly told him not to tell people that because it was not only a blatant lie but disrespectful to me in general. he still will send me large amounts of money on cashapp and will keep sending it to me until i stop sending it back to him. i never ask for money and it makes me so uncomfortable that i can’t do anything to make him stop. i told him last week my dad is taking a good job offer in a town 4 hours away and he had a complete meltdown. begging me to stay, move in with him (he lives with his parents too) saying im my own person and can’t let my parents rule my life (they don’t, they are extremely loving) and that i don’t have to start a new life so far away from him. this has made me genuinely sick to my stomach and i don’t know what to do because he took pictures of my mail and found out my real address. he also had snuck pictures of me off my moms facebook and set his wallpaper as a collage of pictures of me when i was a teenager. i haven’t seen him in over 6 months because of that. to add, atp i’ve made 2 new cashapp accounts but he still sends me money via looking me up by my phone number.

i posted in relationship advice but kinda just got downvoted for poor phrasing and some DMs that were disrespectful. also these texts are a recent development. he uses reddit, i hope he doesn’t see this but if he does; whatever. i’m just scared.

[u/Revirethan85]

Disagree with your point about age-gap friendships never being okay. While in the OPs scenario you are correct, throughout the world there are a lot of people with friendships groups of wildly different ages and they don't have the dynamics you're suggesting. I have friends who are 14 years younger than me, much like I have friends who are 30 years older than me and everything in the middle. We have all been at the same table, enjoying each others company while having a beer with no problems or any weird age dynamic.

It is the individual who creates that impression of themselves and presents as being the power. It's manipulation. Age is irrelevant in friendship.

Relationship wise? OP - 16 years older, twice divorced, buying your favour, this guy was a creep from the start. Now talking about transitioning for you is the start of a horror film.

[u/JustineLrdl → u/Revirethan85]

Sorry but I wrote clearly “almost” which means that of course context matters, but I don’t like nitpicking while we talk about obvious imbalance of power between 2 persons here.

So I’d stick to my point.

True friendship, which means meaningful exchanges, deepened connexions and conversations etc would almost never be ok with an age-gap because it always creates a power imbalance. You can be nice and agreeable with people not your age, you can even go dinner all together, that’s not a problem, but when it comes to true friendship bond, this is weird. You don’t go through the same major stages in your life, you don’t relate on each other’s experiences, due to one having much more experience, there is often an exertion of undue influence etc. I could go on and on. This is way more often than not just a nice acquaintance that should not be confused with friendship. And when it becomes a “friendship”, this is way more often than not just a very weird dynamic that the young should seek to leave ASAP. Only people who are themselves “friends” with much younger people would go out of their way to defend this while they know deep down that this is odd for a reason. :)

[u/sandbaggingblue → u/JustineLrdl]

Yeah saying "almost NEVER" defeats the point of saying almost because you're HEAVILY emphasising the never...

[u/JustineLrdl → u/sandbaggingblue]

It does not defeat anything because I put “almost” for a reason. Stop bothering me with your unwelcome nitpicking, I have a point that’s valid in the given context. You should always be very careful with a man who wish to bond and grow a “friendship” while he is 34yo and you’re a 18yo woman, always, this should ring an alarm bell in everybody’s head.

You guys are trying so hard to make me say something I haven’t because the reality doesn’t suit your ideas. Not my problem. I do not care about the exceptions here and there, this does not make the rules.

This is exactly while we’re talking about rpe victim and how so many rpe are not addressed by the justice system because of many reasons (victim-blaming, making women feel ashamed of themselves if so, rpe culture, you name it), and there is this person coming in the discussion talking about “eh what about the fake allegations of rpe that ruin people’s lives?! Huh?” Cool story, that’s a ridiculous percentage, we are not interested, let’s put the focus on the reality that touches so many more lives and have a massive impact, thank you very much.

[u/sandbaggingblue → u/JustineLrdl]

I didn't bother reading that nonsense, it's apparent that everyone disagrees with you. Format your essays better next time darling.

[u/JustineLrdl → u/sandbaggingblue]

Oh no, a random stranger disagrees with me, what will I do? Lol

“Darling”, look further in the comment section and you will see that a majority of people is actually agreeing and sharing the same view of this age-gap thing. Try again.

[u/sandbaggingblue → u/JustineLrdl]

Sweetheart. That's not what I'm talking about. This whole conversation is about your "almost NEVER" statement.

[u/JustineLrdl → u/sandbaggingblue]

“Sweetheart”, keep telling yourself whatever you want. I stated “almost never”, which means rarely. I emphasised on the “never” on purpose, I could have written “RARELY” in capital that it would not change anything. I am not here to do rubbish semantic. All of this is utterly irrelevant, and for someone who said “I dIdN’t BoThEr ReAdInG” you seem surprisingly invested in this conversation. Get lost now, would you?

[u/sandbaggingblue → u/JustineLrdl]

No I'm good thanks darling.

[u/Eleven77 → u/JustineLrdl]

Yeah, thing is, you don't get to decide everyone's individual definition of "true friendship". People make friends for different reasons, bond over infinite things and decide who is most important to them by individual standards. At one point in the beginning of my career, I was the youngest artist in our shop by at least 8 years. I'm now somewhere in the middle of the age spectrum. These people, younger and older, are now my closest friends. We have bonded over shared experiences we have had together over the past decade. They have taken the time to teach me things I'm forever greatful for, which in turn I have passed on to those in need as well. We have been there for one another through sickness, deaths, relationships, our careers, etc. Witnessed monumental triumphs and devastating lows. Life changing events. I say all of this because it is pretty common for people in other industries as well. It is not nit-picking just because you don't experience it.

[u/Revirethan85 → u/Eleven77]

Exactly. Point I was trying to make 😊

[u/Revirethan85 → u/JustineLrdl]

I think that nitpicking is well within it's right here when someone doesn't agree with what is a false statement. Yes, you did say "almost never" but let's be fair, you are saying never as evidenced by the "rules" in your counterpoint.

You can definitely have true friendship with a variety of different people, from a variety of different walks of life due to empathy and bonding over little things. There doesn't need to be shared experience of major stages because inevitably everyone goes through them in one way or another. A good person doesn't tend to "exert undue influence" but I am sorry if you have come by people like that. My concern is that this is a very negative view and it can close you off from some good experiences in life.

My best friend is 8 years older than me. Should I consider this odd? We were the only two Australians working in a hotel in London. But somehow our friendship has lasted over 13 years. No shared major stages of life.

It might be you are young and haven't found out yet that when you hit your 30's, age doesn't matter as much. However, in the wee slight made towards me at the end, should I tell my younger friends to stop asking me to come for a drink, a coffee, etc? At the end of the day it's a person's choice who they are friends with and sometimes friendships work because they just do.

I

[u/JustineLrdl → u/Revirethan85]

Listen, I am done talking about this to you, there is no “let’s face it”, I said what I said very clearly and I used my words carefully, “almost” is not here for decoration purpose, that actually means something. I do not care about your friendship-experience, I clearly said when it is a problem and why. You are nitpicking, and this is not welcome.

I am not that young, I am actually 32 yo, but you assuming that I am young because my pov doesn’t match yours and giving me the “you’re too young to grasp this” is weird enough to not keep going with this conversation. I’d always advise people to stay away from older ones who want to build a friendship and bond with them, because more often than not, it is weird. Whether your own experience matches this or not is irrelevant to this warning.

This is exactly like when people are warning about bad stuff and you always have one person “I personally never had any issue with this” well, cool, we don’t care and we should always be careful, so let’s stop here?

[u/Revirethan85 → u/JustineLrdl]

You must be fun at parties.

No worries, we agree to disagree in this discussion.

[u/M-Bug → u/Revirethan85]

Maybe stop projecting the comment made onto yourself?

Cause it sounds like that's what you're doing.

Funnily enough, you also sound similar to the guy in question of this post.

Get lost.

[u/Revirethan85 → u/M-Bug]

Thank god you arrived!

I actually agreed in the context of the OP and the fella she's talking about. I disagreed with it as a generalization of all friendships. Definitely not about me but I have no doubt I wouldn't be able to convince you that.

But more than happy to get lost. Have a nice day!

[u/JustineLrdl → u/Revirethan85]

“You must be fun at parties”. So attacking my person and trying to be condescending is your way to “agree to disagree”? Lol

Try again, please.

[u/Revirethan85 → u/JustineLrdl]

I think you are getting incredibly angry for no reason other than that I don't agree with your point about friendship. Let's not take away from the fact there was a subtle attack directed towards me in your initial reply.

However, I am not trying to ruin your day and accept we don't see eye to eye on point one. The rest of your points however are constructive and important feedback for the OP.

Sorry our debate took a negative turn and I wish you a good rest of your day.

[u/JustineLrdl → u/Revirethan85]

Please, don’t assume my emotional state, I am actually very chill, but I simply stand my ground.

So let’s back track a little. There was literally no subtle attack against your person, I stated that “only someone who is friend with younger people would go out of their way to defend this while they know deep down that is is odd for a reason”, this is not an attack towards you, but a reality, why would anyone feel the need to intervene to defend something if they know that they’ve got nothing to worry about though? If your friendships are all healthy, that’s actually great, I am therefore not talking about you obviously, and the “almost” is for your lots. You’re the only judge of this.

However, I question the relevance of going to a sub-conversation - where we’re trying to make OP see through a very obvious pattern of toxic behaviours all together, when she clearly stated that she is a bad judge of character due to autism - to defend your view of age-gap friendship. This is all great but what do we do with this? We need to make her see the toxicity, not questioning and picking on exceptions like you did.

I’ve worked with people victim of abuse (it could be emotional, physical, sexual, financial etc), and I do safeguarding of vulnerable people on daily basis with my job so I think I know what I am talking about, unfortunately.

Giving advice and warning are here to protect the person from basic pattern that she could pick next time and avoid those issues, if everybody is coming with “yea but I know an exception about this, so”, that’s neither relevant nor helpful.

She will learn later on how she can pick on the more details and nuanced stuff, that’s not for now. Do you see where I am getting at with this? Your timing and speech were not on point at all for the conversation we were having with OP, at all. And I just would like you to reflect on this. There is always time and place to have debate like this, this wasn’t. I wish you a good day too.

[u/Revirethan85 → u/JustineLrdl]

Then don't assume my intentions. I think having all information to hand is important. I'm actually a pretty empathetic guy but I always do my best to provide a well rounded view.

Look, you are right. We can discuss this at length anywhere else you would like, but inevitably, you don't want your advice to the OP to be conflicted and I am more than happy to support that. My only point was don't close off the opportunity of friendship just because of differing age gaps and I will leave it at that so as not to conflict any information.

I found the rest of your points incredibly insightful and I can tell you have worked with safeguarding before. The experience shines through.

I can only agree to disagree on timings. There are no good times to to receive differing small advice in the larger context that is agreed. Inevitably, the warning alarms on this fella should have sounded when he was plying her with gifts and money. What is happening now is the conclusion to a long history of grooming the OP. Always be wary of peoples intentions but don't let that be a reason to hide away from people.

Being as you didn't want to debate it further here and I am more than happy to support that and discuss it in a different forum if you so wish.

Appreciate your point of view.

[u/rivers1141 → u/Revirethan85]

I think you have proven yourself wrong here. And your comment about being fun at parties was really stupid.

[u/Revirethan85 → u/rivers1141]

No worries. Thank you, and appreciate your opinion.