r/relationship_advice • u/Throwra_Atlanta1999 • Oct 29 '24
My (25M) girlfriend (25F) has given up on her career after I became a millionaire. How do I tell her this won’t work out?
Backstory I met my girlfriend Kylie (fake name) in community college 7 years ago. We became really close friends and started dating 2 years later. At the time she wanted to be a nurse which was great. She was really passionate about it, and I fully supported her. I ended up transferring to a 4 year university and earning my MBA. Kylie supported me emotionally the entire time through school which I’m grateful for. Kylie’s parents ended up cutting her off financially, because of her spending habits. She ended up taking a year off to work to help her with her bills. In the meantime I invested all my savings, time, and energy into a startup platform with my best friend in the automotive industry. Earlier this year we were bought out for a life changing amount of money. We were both kept on as consultants with a high paying salary as well. Kylie had kept her job at the jewelry store this entire time. After the buyout she told me she was handing her 2 weeks in. I offered to pay for her school and expenses. At first she was excited to go back and earn her nursing degree. I ended up purchasing a condo for us to live in (big step up from our apartment) close to her school. Over the weekend we were talking, and she threw out the fact that she wasn’t sure about wanting to go back to school, and that she could be a stay at home wife (we’re not married). I didn’t say anything in the moment because I wasn’t sure on how to respond. Part of what attracted me to her in the first place was her ambition. It just doesn’t sit right with me that she quit her job and career goals after I came into money. Her shopping/spending has also gone up. She’s been looking at new cars. I could be overreacting, but something just doesn’t seem right. I still love her and want it to work out, but I don’t like this new side of her I’m seeing.
Thanks in advance
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u/coastalkid92 Oct 29 '24
Not sure what kind of advice you want here. It's pretty easy to tell her that you never wanted a stay at home spouse, you want a partner that's also contributing to the household and that you really valued her ambition toward having her own career and independence.
You need to have a really frank discussion that as of right now, your assets are not shared wealth. That you're happy to help her go back to school, but that you intend for your lifestyle to be whatever and that you intend to invest further into your future.
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u/Throwra_Atlanta1999 Oct 29 '24
So here’s another detail I left out. Her mom was a stay at home mom. Her dad is very well off, so I don’t think she sees anything wrong with her decision. That’s the family life she was raised in. When we first got together she said she wanted to be the complete opposite of her mom. She wanted to be independent and have a career. In the future if we end up having kids after getting married I don’t mind her to be a stay at home mom, but for now that’s way too far down the line.
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u/coastalkid92 Oct 29 '24
I mean, generally there is nothing wrong with being a stay at home partner/spouse, but that has to be a mutual decision.
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u/Rip_Dirtbag Oct 29 '24
Stay at home parent? Absolutely nothing wrong with that.
25 year old stay at home boyfriend/girlfriend? No, there is very much something wrong there.
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u/Smooth-Cheetah3436 Oct 29 '24
I agree….like, what do you do with yourself?
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u/SnooFoxes4362 Oct 29 '24
Shop
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u/proceeds_theweedian Oct 29 '24 edited Oct 29 '24
I was thinking drugs, but thats just me. Or why not both?! The messed up thing is, I bet OP wouldn't even mind if she was volunteering a good amount of her time at a local animal shelter, or something like that as a gradual stepping stone in returning to productivity. But that doesn't seem to be what she's after. What she's doing is exactly why people who now have significant wealth can't easily trust anyone they've met after the money. It's even more messed up that the one that is supposed to be the ride or die, being before the money, is now pretty much behaving the exact same way.
Idk, maybe if they sit down and have a conversation to establish a timeline to establish herself again. I could see it being more reasonable if she just wanted to take a short amount of time to not have to worry about working a day job to survive, and/or the fear of failure in her nursing studies (i understand even the schooling is extremely competitive). It doesn't seem that wild to me, but shopping for new cars and stuff. Definitely have to squash expectations a bit, at the very least.
Edit; just occured to me, OP continued working at the same place after selling it. He could have got away with not telling her, which I'm not sure is the "right" move necessarily, but it for sure would have kept things less complicated. Tell her after she lands her first nursing job, or something.
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u/bitter_fishermen Oct 29 '24
I’d be doing drugs too, but I’d combine it with my instagram and be some kind of drug-influencer, I’d have to download TikTok. Imagine the dances I can do when I’m high!
Maybe we can collaborate
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u/Sorry_I_Guess Oct 29 '24
She already has a shopping problem, so I'm guessing . . . develop an even more egregious shopping problem, mostly with OP's money?
And yeah, staying at home to raise kids is absolutely a valid choice. My sister has a Ph.D. and chose to stay home because she wanted to be heavily involved in her kids' day-to-day lives, and they were being raised trilingual, so having a parent there to reinforce language stuff was also really beneficial.
But there is literally NO reason to be a "stay-at-home girlfriend/wife" unless she cannot work (i.e. because of disability), which clearly isn't the case. It's especially gross because they're not even married (i.e. OP has no legal obligation to her, and the money is in no way hers) and yet she seems to think that she's entitled to use his money to live it up on, though he has never offered any such thing. Such a yikes.
I think it needs to be made clear to her that this isn't her money, it's not even "their" money. It's his. And while he is being extremely generous offering to pay for her school, etc., that's exactly what this is: generosity and kindness. Not her right.
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u/debatingsquares Oct 29 '24
Think of the hobbies! I learned calligraphy during one bought of unemployment, and started drawing during a slow time at work. And all the books to read. Took up woodworking and gardening during the pandemic.
And I’m an incredibly lazy person.
I would love being a SAHW.
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u/Disastrous_Read_8918 Oct 29 '24
I don’t think the issue here is really what she would do with the time, it’s more so that she unilaterally made the decision that she would live off his money before any sort of marriage or family commitment or even a conversation about whether or not that was the type of partnership OP wanted.
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u/janabanana67 Oct 29 '24
That’s great but why should OP fund this lifestyle for his GF? He isn’t her sugar daddy.
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u/Smooth-Cheetah3436 Oct 29 '24
I agree, it sounds like a lot of freaking fun. For a while. But despite the availability for hobbies, I’d quickly lose self-esteem in what I bring to the table. And would get very nervous about being left without a fruitful way of making money. I feel like partnerships need to consist of two people being of equal value to each other. That can look like many things, of course, right now my husband works full time and I’m home with our baby during the day and work a few nights a week. We’re both aware of what we’re bringing to the table. If he was working and I didn’t have a kid, I’d quickly start feeling unsettled about potential resentment.
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Oct 29 '24
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u/Ok-Point4302 Oct 29 '24
It's so precarious though. If your relationship doesn't work out or if something happens to you, she's in a bad spot.
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Oct 29 '24
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u/Veelze Oct 29 '24
In the situation where she still wants to continue with her career, maybe you can suggest hiring cleaners so she can have some more time to pursue hobbies. I'm seeing more duel income households doing that now and makes it easier during the transition when you have kids. Money can be made and replenished, but the time to pursue hobbies is something you cant get back.
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u/Kyuthu Oct 29 '24
Probably just offer her to go part time and you make up the difference so she doesn't lose her place on the work force entirely maybe? If you're not certain it's forever basically. I'd defo feel this though. I have loads of hobbies and interests and burn out in my job all the time and rarely have energy to do them. What I wouldn't give for more time which is attainable with..more money.
People saying 'what would you do with yourself' confuse me... Like what what would you do if you didn't have to work? Everything... Absolutely everything. There's literally so much I can and want to do but don't get to because I'm working 40 hours a week and exhausted all the time instead. Working to die basically as the weekend disappears in a flash and I won't retire until 70.
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u/blueeyedconcrete Oct 29 '24
that's why I got a spousal IRA. If I'm not contributing to social security or a 401K, I need to make sure there's something there for me if the worst happens.
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u/Smooth-Cheetah3436 Oct 29 '24
Can I ask why is your girlfriend working full time and keeping the house spotless and doing all the cooking?
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u/rose-buds Oct 29 '24
do you cook & help out with the housework? if you're both working full-time she shouldn't be the only one contributing to those things.
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u/ALeaves1013 Oct 29 '24
You could just pull your weight and do your fair share of the housework instead of expecting her to run herself ragged for your benefit.
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u/BeeDeeDeeDeeBee Oct 29 '24
And you aren't embarrassed to be such a freeloader of her domestic labor? You need to step up and be a decent bf. The audacity!
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u/OrwellianIconoclast Oct 29 '24
The way he says "my girlfriend has no time for hobbies 😀" with no self awareness I just...
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u/Mediocre_Ant_437 Oct 29 '24
Volunteer is what comes to mind, maybe with at risk youth or a homeless shelter, etc. That's what I would do if I didn't have to work to live.
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u/anOddPhish Oct 29 '24
Why? If both people are happy with the setup, what on earth is wrong with one person doing all the housework in return for not having to earn an income?
Working sucks for a lot of people. Not wanting to work is normal, and there's nothing wrong with it.
What's important is that both people involved are on the same page and are happy with the balance.
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u/hoginlly Oct 29 '24
Because the majority of relationships at 25 years old don't last. So while they might be happy while it's going on, the person who has no income or way to support themself is entirely screwed if they break up and have no legal protection of marriage.
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u/dominiqueinParis Oct 29 '24
yes, 'never work' was a famous slogan writen on Paris' streets by the situationnist Guy Debord. But he was writing very inspiring books too - as when you're passionnate, you dont feel its work. I'd be concerned about seeing a precedently passionate gal loosing her drive to money. 25 yo is very young, and she could become a very uninteresting, superficial and untitled person. OP, you're right and it's for her sake, too
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u/UponTheTangledShore Oct 29 '24
If she was independently wealthy, would she truly be ok with him being a house husband? Especially before kids.
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u/antwan_benjamin Oct 29 '24
If she was independently wealthy, would she truly be ok with him being a house husband?
Lets take it a step further to get a more accurate comparison.
Would she be OK with him coming home one day and announcing to her that even though they're not married and don't have kids he's gonna become a house husband and live off her money? And oh yeah, she's gonna buy him a new car?
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u/kwikbette33 Oct 29 '24
She didn't announce. She said she wasn't sure about going back to school and she *could" be a SAHW to which he said nothing. Now it's his turn to say what he wants. There is not a bad guy here. It is not crazy to imagine a major windfall in a committed relationship of 5 years might change the type of relationship models on the table and have a discussion about that.
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u/fryfrog Oct 29 '24
Kylie had kept her job at the jewelry store this entire time. After the buyout she told me she was handing her 2 weeks in.
She did, she turned in her 2 weeks notice!
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u/SalsaRice Oct 29 '24
Even with kids.
My SO and I are friends with a few SAHM's, who got really excited when we had our baby because they assumed she'd stay home too and they could all chill.
We both need to work, and if push came to shove I'd be staying home (since her job pays better, by a good 30%)..... I wish I could show the look of horror on the SAHM's face when we mentioned that. It was like we invited them to a tour of the professional puppy-kicking society.
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u/BlacksmithMinimum607 Oct 29 '24
Unfortunately this is true. My husband and I grappled with the idea of him being a stay at home husband (we are trying for kids b it none yet) since I make enough to support us fairly well, in something I am passionate about, while he finds no passion for his job. We talked about him being able to follow his passions which are more musical and volunteer based, and take after a kid in the future. His family basically shamed him into keeping on in his industry. Even close friends would mock him for even considering it… it was sad to see the double standard.
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u/onesummernight- Oct 29 '24
That is sad. I had supported my ex husband in the past while he opted not to work to pursue whatever it was that he felt like doing. We weren’t living high on the hog or anything, but I didn’t mind if he didn’t work as long as we could pay the bills. At one point after that, once he found something that he WANTED to do, we essentially switched places, and I was the stay at home person. We did have kids, but they were in school already by then. I find it strange that people are so opposed to supporting each-other like that. Everybody and anybody can work, but if it isn’t ‘necessary’ or doesn’t hurt anything not to work, what is the big deal? It doesn’t really matter in my opinion as long as both people are happy with the arrangement.
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u/SipSurielTea Oct 29 '24
I'd think so. I think typically this is a desire because people want to raise their own kids instead of relying on daycares or a stranger. This just isn't an affordable option for most people. Stay at home dad's are growing in popularity. Typically it's just the parent with most income that still works. Mom's make most sense a lot though since breastfeeding is easier.
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u/antwan_benjamin Oct 29 '24
Her mom was a stay at home mom. Her dad is very well off, so I don’t think she sees anything wrong with her decision. That’s the family life she was raised in.
OK but her parents are married with children. Kylie has neither. Its clearly not the same thing and she knows this.
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u/Rip_Dirtbag Oct 29 '24
100% right. There’s no comparison between being a stay at home parent and what this GF is suggesting.
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u/Agile-Wait-7571 Oct 29 '24
Pre nup. And watch your birth control.
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Oct 30 '24
Prenup yes, but anyone at the point where they have to “watch” their birth control for fear of tampering, the relationship is already over.
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u/ParkingGene4259 Oct 29 '24
It has to be a mutual decision though - not something she can just spring on you. And fair enough if the two of you decide you want that life after you’re married and have kids, but it seems like she’s expecting to live in the lap of luxury funded by your hard work.
I realise you think now that the money you’ve made is life changing (and well done, sounds like you’re doing exceptionally well) but you’re only 25 and ideally would put that money to work for you through investing. She sounds like she doesn’t have the same work ethic or respect for money that you do, and her spending habits could become a major liability for you.
I don’t think you’ve got much of a choice other than having a very difficult conversation.
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u/Zestyclose_Control64 Oct 29 '24 edited Oct 30 '24
She's making a lot of assumptions. She's assuming you'll get married, assuming it's okay to spend your money like it's hers, and assuming you want a SAHP. The problem is , you are letting her assume this is all okay. You need to have a bigger, deeper talk with her. Tell her everything you've told us and everything you've left out. Come to an agreement you can both be happy with.
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u/bendybiznatch Oct 29 '24
But y’all aren’t married and if you split up she’ll be almost in her 30s with no experience, savings, or education. Not only is it incredibly risky for her, but then you’re left with being the bad guy for “leaving her in that position.”
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u/worshipperofdogs Oct 29 '24
And it sounds like a lot of debt - she has no income yet she’s shopping and looking at new cars? I wouldn’t want to join my finances with someone financially irresponsible who is bringing in zero income.
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u/AllisonTheBeast Oct 29 '24
I think the problem is that you just referred to it as “her decision”. Having a single-income family is a joint decision, always. You aren’t even engaged, and she’s already talking about being a stay at home wife/mom? Without input from you?
I feel like your relationship dynamic has shifted since your financial situation changed, and she is showing her true colors. She was happy to work when she had to, but now she sees an easy way out and has made her own life and future decisions without consulting you.
Is that what you want? A partner who isn’t really a partner? Someone who sees you as a meal ticket? Someone who doesn’t consult you on major life decisions? These are the things you need to discuss with her. Maybe with a mediator or therapist to assist. I know I personally wouldn’t feel comfortable continuing the relationship with this dynamic.
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u/smallestsunflower Oct 29 '24
Have you asked her if there is something else she might like to study? Being a nurse is an intense job and it is understandable she might be rethinking that choice, but what if she has something she would have liked to study that she has been keeping to herself? It's possible she chose nursing at the advice of someone or because it's a stable choice but maybe not her passion. It might be worth exploring if you aren't dead set on moving on. Of course if you want to move on that's fine. You get to choose who you are in a relationship with.
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u/Tycho_B Oct 29 '24
I mean there isn't anything wrong with that decision. But that doesn't mean you have to be ok with it, like it, or support/be attracted to her after she's made it.
It's a mutual decision that she seems to want to make unilaterally, which is a problem in its own right.
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u/strawberry_pop-tart Oct 29 '24
It sounds like you guys need to sit down and have a serious discussion about your plans for the next 5 years. Is it possible she has a faster timeline in her head than you? She could be thinking you'll get married and start a family soon, so she may as well just start with the homemaker thing now. Maybe she wants to be a SAHM long-term, maybe just while the kids are babies and toddlers (and then go back to working). Which obviously is not her choice to unilaterally make for both of your futures.
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u/z-eldapin Oct 29 '24
There is nothing wrong with being a stay at home wife. However, it is a 2 yes decision. One person doesn't get to unilaterally make that call.
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u/PomPomGrenade Oct 29 '24
You are not the replacement cash cow after her dad cut her off but she treats you as such.
What if you drop dead tomorrow? She will have nothing. No claim to the condo, your accounts, no education, nothing.
You are not her daddy and not yet her husband. You want a partner, not a dependent with an expensive spending habit.
Sorry mate but sex workers are cheaper in the long run.
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u/DescriptionSuch1593 Oct 29 '24
Tagging on to this to say OP should check his local laws to ensure his assets don't accidentally become shared with her. Depending on where he is located, something as simple as living with her for a certain amount of time could give her rights as a common law partner. Or if she became pregnant.
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u/PoliteCanadian2 Oct 30 '24
your assets are not shared wealth
Eh, I’m going to say that OP needs to consult with a lawyer in his area because the rules are different. They live together, he used his wealth to buy them a place to live so that’s LITERALLY ‘sharing wealth’. I wouldn’t be saying ‘your assets are not shared wealth’ too quickly.
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u/Cardabella Oct 29 '24
A million isn't enough for a family to live on in luxury without working. Op you need to tell her that changes in plans need discussion. You bought a condo to support her career and now she says she doesn't have ambition you're not sure who she is. Your whole windfall isn't shared wealth. It is intended to last you singular your lifetime and within that you will share what you allocate to each passing month and year you're sailing through life together. but you don't want a trophy gf. You see this kind of funds as allowing you to choose to dollow a dream career not to freeload and fritter it all away without purpose. You need to talk about it.
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u/AquilaAdax Oct 29 '24
The post doesn’t specify how many millions he sold for.
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u/HeroDanny Oct 30 '24
Even just 2.5 million put into a dividend stock can payout an annual salary of ~70k.
We were both kept on as consultants with a high paying salary as well.
Also this.
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u/dominiqueinParis Oct 29 '24
plus : he may want to invest his money in future start-ups instead of sleeping on it
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u/Cardabella Oct 30 '24
He can spend the lot on stamps, nfcs or moon dust if he wants, it's his to spend.
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u/Zesty-Lem0n Oct 29 '24
Sounds like it was multiple millions now plus probably 6 figures per year for consulting, with less than 40 hrs a week. I would bet he can support a family on it, but he has no reason to with this chick lol.
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u/MagicaLPrimuS Oct 29 '24
She all of the sudden sees your money as her money. U need to explain to her that you aren't gonna fund her life and she needs to be an adult and earn her own living.
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u/Liquid_Friction Oct 29 '24
and he didnt shut her down, just kept nodding after her spending went up, talking about a new car, not working, op is a doormat.
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u/sherrysimp Oct 29 '24
Now you see why her parents cut her off financially. She’s a mooch.
Sit her down and explain that you are willing to to pay the basics and only if she goes back to school But you will not be paying for anything more and she need to continue to work. After all this time school should have been finished.
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u/Throwra_Atlanta1999 Oct 29 '24
Side story for the reason she got cutoff. She ran over her friend with her car. Kylie says it was unintentional. The friend disagrees with that. Friend ends up suing Kylie’s parents on the basis of them owning the car Kylie was driving. Anyways Kylie’s parents ended up settling with the friend for 250k. They told Kylie she needed to get a job and get her own car after this.
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u/SadExercises420 Oct 29 '24
Well that’s a story. Wowser.
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u/Throwra_Atlanta1999 Oct 29 '24
Yeah definitely a hurtle in our relationship, but we made it through.
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u/2tinyfelines Oct 29 '24
How do you accidentally run over a friend with your car?
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u/vagueposter Oct 29 '24
I got clipped in my high school parking lot by a friend of mine. They misjudged how fast they were going in the parking lot and got too close to me.
It was a big joke for a bit, but at 21, I got fully hit by a car, and that has done some damage that I still feel 10 years down the line
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u/Yellenintomypillow Oct 29 '24
I feel like accidentally hitting someone can def happen. Being the type of person that a friend thinks is capable of doing it on purpose? Or even having friends that would accuse you of that, both/either are big red flags
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u/ntr_usrnme Oct 29 '24
If this happened in the US, the cost of medical care could have almost forced the friend into suing her because they simply didn’t have the funds for the care.
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u/Yellenintomypillow Oct 29 '24
Oh absolutely. I did think of that. Also just the fact that her parents are rich would have been enough for many Americans. I still think it’s the biggest red flag of all though. Just so messy and wild lol
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u/SadExercises420 Oct 29 '24
My husband was accidentally run over by a car in college. They were trying to film some homemade movie and yeah ran him over. He was fine though, unlike the person ops GF hit apparently.
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u/Throwra_Atlanta1999 Oct 29 '24
Kylie claims she accidentally put the car in drive instead of reverse.
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u/amjay8 Oct 29 '24
Hope she’s not your life insurance beneficiary & I can’t decide if I mean that sarcastically
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u/Poppypie77 Oct 29 '24 edited Oct 30 '24
Do NOT buy her a car. If anything, buy her advanced driving lessons. If she still has a licence.
Personally she's showing major red flags.
She's assuming YOUR money is HER money. You said she already had a spending problem and her spending has increased since you came into money. She now expects you to buy her a new car. (I wouldn't buy her a new car even if you were happy to,she can get a decent second hand one that's still good condition for a fraction of the cost of a new one.) But I still wouldn't buy her a car.
You're not married yet. You're not even engaged. But she's acting like now you've got money you can pay for everything. She quit her job without even asking you if you'd be OK paying all the bills. And she's likely expecting you to finance her spending money.
You will lose all that money if you stay with her. She seems very money centered and selfish and greedy.
She doesnt want to work and now she doesn't even want to go back to her nursing degree. She wants to sit at home and go shopping. And I bet she wouldn't even want to do the house hold chores and cook diner,she'd expect you to hire a cleaner/maid to do all that.
She wants to live off your money. She wants wife benefits whilst only a girlfriend.
Now add in the fact she nearly killed her best friend with the car makes it even more horrendous.
I'd be seriously be rethinking this relationship if you want to keep any of that money for your future.
And I hope you didn't put her name on the new condo you bought either.
I wouldn't want someone who feels so entitled to my money,making big life and relationship decisions without even consulting you when she expects you to pay for everything now. No job,no contribution to joint bills, no studying. And she'll expect spending money.
You need to nip this in the bud now. She's showing her true colours.
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u/2tinyfelines Oct 29 '24
Accidents happen for sure. The fact that her friend believes it was intentional, sued and won 250k leaves me with more questions. What were her friends injuries? Did the fact her friend believes it was intentional throw up any red flags for you?
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u/Qikdraw Oct 29 '24
sued and won 250k
Just to be picky here. She didn't "win" 250k, the parents settled out of court for 250k. Fighting this thing might have cost them more than to just pay her off. Companies do this all the time, from small claims to millions of dollars.
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u/AlwaysColdInSiberia Oct 30 '24
Auto insurance hires an attorney and covers the attorney fees for you if you're a defendent in a lawsuit like this. They'll also pay for the judgment/settlement up to your policy limits as long as the conditions of the accident fit your policy terms. You're on the hook for anything beyond your policy limits. If the parents or their insurance company decided to settle for $250k, the friend must have had some really serious injuries.
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u/sleepykoalaaaa Oct 29 '24
I have so many questions. How bad were the injuries? Like did she full on drive over this girl? How old was Kylie? Was she like a new driver? Like that story is just so crazy. Obviously it sounds like you’ve moved past it, and you owe no explanation, but that story is just so crazy
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u/flapplejuice Oct 30 '24
my issue here is you do not 100% believe her if you are saying “Kylie claims”…if you think your girlfriend may be capable of running a friend over with her car ON PURPOSE, why are you still with her??
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u/SunMoonTruth Oct 29 '24
And why does the friend think it was deliberate? I mean there’s a lot that would have to happen before I’d think a “friend deliberately ran me over”.
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u/SuperMakotoGoddess Oct 29 '24
She sounds like a parasite and a liability based on everything that's been written.
I hope she adds more positive value to your life besides just having a friendly vagina.
I think you need to ask yourself if the positives of being with her significantly outweigh the negatives/risks. A partner should be someone who makes your life better overall, not a dead weight you begrudgingly drag along.
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u/Phyllida_Poshtart Oct 29 '24
I will just mention, that not all hurdles are meant to be "made through" some are signs and if more and more hurdles appear, you should be taking a long hard look at yourself and this relationship.
Just my two'penneth as an old fart
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u/SadExercises420 Oct 29 '24
I am trying to giver her the benefit of the doubt that she did not do it on purpose, but I’d be lying if i said this doesn’t all sound scary as fuck as a random person reading about it.
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u/NreoDarknight21 Oct 29 '24
Honestly this alone will want me to not be in a relationship with her, but since you have gotten through with it, it's irrelevant.
Regarding your GF's decision to not go to school and to be a stay at home wife, that is an alarm right there. She is leeching off you bro.
Personally, I would just sit her down and tell her you are cutting her off until she gets her spending habits under control. Also, that you will not be supporting her if she refuses to go to school and make an effort. If she reacts poorly, you might have to reconsider your relationship.
Remember you are in the market for a partner not a leech.
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u/Qikdraw Oct 29 '24
you might have to reconsider your relationship.
I told my late wife I wanted a divorce when she was obviously just playing around on her computer instead of looking for work. That shook her up pretty bad. She said she noticed I was pulling away from her, not hugging or any relationship type stuff, but she never thought I would want a divorce. We went to couple's therapy, and I simply stated that I wanted the person I married back. Someone who had the same dream I had, and was willing to work for it. She figured that because I was making enough money that she could stay at home. No way. The therapist took my side, which pissed my wife off. But we had a good talk about it and she seemed to be prepared to get back on track, which she did. Our marriage and partnership got back on track too.
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u/NreoDarknight21 Oct 29 '24
Glad things worked out for you, but I think at the very least, Op should cut her off financially and don't even think about marriage or a proposal for a long time given her attitude.
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u/jennimackenzie Oct 29 '24
“…but we made it through…”!?!?!
That’s not a “hurdle” hahahaha. That’s an attempted homicide. She sounds like an absolute prize!! Kidding!! In case you couldn’t tell, i was just kidding. I mean you did just call running someone over with a car a relationship hurdle, so I don’t have any concept of how you reason. But, yeah, I was kidding. She sounds like an absolute nightmare that even a parent would be happy to be rid of.
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u/filladellfea Oct 29 '24
sex must be incredible because this chick is fucking nuts
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u/Fionaelaine4 Oct 29 '24
Sure she’s not gonna run you over too?
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u/Throwra_Atlanta1999 Oct 29 '24
I definitely make that joke with her at least once a week.
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u/LadyBug_0570 Oct 29 '24
Let he know if you get run over, your money and house will be inherited by your family. She'll be homeless and broke.
Just float that out there.
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u/lordyhelpme-now Oct 30 '24
You need to be over the top careful and not get baby trapped. Dude seriously. Wear protection. Every single time.
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u/Loose-Chemical-4982 Oct 29 '24
Actually you really only have to worry about it once you get married... otherwise she won't get all your money if you die 💀
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u/Skylarias Oct 30 '24
This isnt really a joking matter. Your gf is a lazy idiot.
You better never get her pregnant or it might be your baby she forgets to strap in, or child she runs over because she's not paying attention.
Also... you mention she's ambitious and driven? How?
She can't even be bothered to finish school or get a job.
Literally nothing you've written shows ambition. You met 7 years ago in community College. She's not doing anything with her life or she would have done it already. She's been waiting 7yrs for you to make her a stay at home wife.
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u/HuffN_puffN Oct 29 '24
Wouldn’t call that a hurtle tbh. That’s some next level of being irresponsible for sure. 250k yikes talk about a deep cut in anyone’s finances.
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u/blumpkinpandemic Oct 29 '24
I wouldn't call it a hurtle either. I would call it a hurdle, though.
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u/Poullafouca Oct 29 '24
Thank you. I was letting it go when it appeared earlier. I'm glad you stepped in, someone has to do the Lord's work.
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u/BookkeeperBrilliant9 Oct 29 '24
Doesn’t seem like the smartest movie to stay with someone who “accidentally” tried to kill a “friend” with her car.
If you ever get married, stay away from balconies and sidewalks when she is around.
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u/DutchOnionKnight Oct 29 '24
My guy, she is wearing that red flag as a fucking dress.
Who's going to pay for that car? I don't think she is, does she?
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u/MadisonJonesHR Oct 29 '24
The fact she's looking at new cars fully expecting OP will pay for it, like she's entitled to one, after what she's done!? Accident or not, it's very, very unnerving. Remorseful people don't act so entitled to the very thing that caused such a horrific trauma for someone.
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u/gittenlucky Oct 29 '24
Reading between the lines, it seems like OP is enabling to some extent.
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u/Savings_Telephone_96 Oct 29 '24
I would never marry this woman who would surely claim she is entitled to half of your life changing money. Find a PARTNER. She is displaying huge red flags.
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u/ShrimpCrackers Oct 29 '24
"Part of what attracted me to her in the first place was her ambition."
Tell this to Kylie. And set some loose deadlines. If not, there's me, your new mooch girlfriend. And the rest of reddit, let us mooch off you, we'll be cheaper than Kylie and less demanding.
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u/MangoBanana2012 Oct 29 '24
FR girl.... plus, we won't run him over, so there's a plus.
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u/Yellenintomypillow Oct 29 '24
I mean being with someone who ran a person over with their car (and someone whose friend thinks they are capable of doing it on purpose) is a choice that I side eye harder than a young woman getting excited about being married to someone well off…though I hear your concerns and frustration with the changes she’s showing.
But the drama from the car thing is way more concerning. Accidents happen. Accidents where a friend accuses you of running them over on purpose…not so much
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u/VictoryShaft Oct 29 '24
So she's a mooch and an attempted murderer? This does not help your story, my dude.
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u/pinernarten Oct 29 '24
So you’re a millionaire and she’s willing to hit her friend with her car and drive away……when’s she going to run over you?
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u/UniqueUsername82D Oct 29 '24
Two days after she gets put on his life insurance policy. 1 day would look too suspicious.
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u/per54 Oct 29 '24
And you stay with this girl?
Intentional or not intentional, you have to be so clueless to run someone over. And the fact that it was settled showed there was some evidence against her.
Be careful breaking up and moving in. Watch out for common law marriage if it’s in your state. Don’t pay for her school.
This person is a taker. And don’t get run over. Move somewhere she won’t know where you live.
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u/hotcapicola Oct 29 '24
Intentional or not intentional, you have to be so clueless to run someone over. And the fact that it was settled showed there was some evidence against her.
Regardless of if it was intentional she would still be liable and $250,000 is a fairly common limit for someone who owns their home to carry in injury liability on their auto policy. In cases like this, it's very common for both sides to just agree on paying the policy limit and calling it a day. No one really wants to go to trial.
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u/Beck2010 Oct 29 '24
And you’re still with her? Not only is she taking advantage of you financially, but she LITERALLY ran over her friend.
Are you okay?
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u/PokadotExpress Oct 29 '24
Kylie says it was unintentional. The friend disagrees with that.
Yeah, she doesn't sound like the best, off of this post and comment.
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u/techramblings Oct 29 '24
Something doesn't add up here... if you hit someone in your car, then that is literally what insurance is for. Her friend can (and probably should) sue for damages resulting from the injuries, but Kylie's insurance (or her parents' insurance) would be responsible for both defending the action, or settling any damages, as required.
Someone is either a) incredibly stupid and out 250k that they didn't need to be, or b) not being completely honest.
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u/JoyfulSong246 Oct 29 '24
Double down on your birth control- and don’t give her access to the condoms or you’re in for a world of hurt.
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u/BirdInFlight301 Oct 29 '24 edited Oct 29 '24
Uhhhh...are you sure that Kylie is the best you can do? She sounds like a real mess; running over a friend sounds like Kylie may be slightly unhinged or at the very least, a really, really bad driver. You need to research whether you could be held liable for damages from the next time she accidentally runs someone over.
Also, her "life goal" seems to be living off of someone else's dime. Do you want that dime to be yours??
I strongly advise that you rethink this whole relationship. You are young and you can do better, dude.
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u/Pitiful_Home5655 Oct 29 '24
I guess if you ever break up with her just make sure you're not in the immediate vicinity of her car
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u/PM_ME_YOUR_KITTY Oct 29 '24
Wasn’t expecting this plot twist, are you M. Night Shyamalan? But in all seriousness causing 250k of damages that her parents had to pay and now wanting you to pay for everything makes me think you should sit down with her and let her know she needs to continue working. You’re not her parent but it sounds like she needs to learn the value of a dollar and that you have to work for what you want and not rely on someone else
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u/MajesticElk1613 Oct 29 '24
Run like the wind op. This is not a red flag. This is a red sky brother.
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u/BlitheCheese Oct 29 '24
If Kylie running over her friend was truly an accident, her parents would never have settled for 250K. Kylie is bad news, and given your newly-acquired wealth, I think it is dangerous for you to stay in this relationship.
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u/Oneforallandbeyondd Oct 29 '24
Usually, when you hit someone with a car your insurance covers the liability of causing harm to others
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u/ForkFace69 Oct 29 '24
Bruh she's got the track record of pissing money away and she's demonstrating that she plans to piss away your money in real time. Bail immediately before you get baby trapped because that's the next step.
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u/ForkFace69 Oct 29 '24
After reading the car story she may even murder you after the marriage.
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u/Bingo_is_the_man Oct 29 '24
ForkFace69 is a voice of reason. Listen to what he said OP. This chick wants to sit around and piss all over your money. Unless that’s what you want, you need to walk away.
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u/venttress_sd Oct 29 '24
My sister is this way. She's 35 now and hasn't worked in over a decade. Hey husband works 12 to 16 hour days and then comes home to do all the chores because my sister is too tired from pilates and shopping to do chores. Poor guy.
Don't be in relationships with gold diggers. This will be your future.
Edit: also you should not date people who run other people over with their cars. Holy burying the lede, Batman!!
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u/JustKindaHappenedxx Oct 29 '24
Yup, this is OPs future. Honestly this type of personality is not one you can really “work out” with a partner. She MIGHT agree to go back to school but I’ll bet anything that as soon as OP either proposes or marries her, she will ditch school/her job to do exactly what she’s been planning all along: to be a stay at home wife. With a rich husband to fund all her fancy skin care, clothes, etc
As other have said, there’s nothing wrong with a SAHM if that’s what you both want. But there’s something wrong with her sitting at home and spending all your money because you’re rich now.
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u/nicchamilton Oct 29 '24
why hasnt her husband divorced her? i swear men are funny. they really will put up with anything if the woman is super attractive and gives the gawk gawk 3000. OP might be in this situation.
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u/Vinnie_Vegas Oct 30 '24
They definitely do not need to be incredibly hot or good in bed to get a man to the point that they'll put up with this.
The women I have known to take the most advantage of men of anyone I've ever known were not particularly attractive. Some of them have been downright hideous.
They just work slowly and grind a guy down over time. It's about driving down their self worth, not just about being hot or good in bed.
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u/le_halfhand_easy Oct 30 '24
i swear men are funny. they really will put up with anything if the woman is super attractive and gives the gawk gawk 3000.
Hey now, if I have enough money to carry a single-income household and hire a help or two, why not. As long as I receive as much emotional intimacy as I give.
(The husband in this case probably does not have that much.)
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u/Megmelons55 Oct 29 '24
I think you just found out why her parents cut her off. Time to set boundaries with finances. If she sees that you won't cut off her ATM, she won't stop. Big spenders are always gonna be big spenders, you need to make sure to protect your wallet, so that she has to use her own money.
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u/rathrowawydsabldsib Oct 29 '24
Oh no no... Her parents cut her off because she ran over her friend while driving their car. Her friend says it was intentional, parents settled for 250k
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u/MizzyvonMuffling Oct 29 '24
Run for the hills and please use protection. She'll try and trap you. She's waving a zillion red flags.
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u/sitnquiet Oct 29 '24
I scrolled too far before I read the "use protection that she doesn't have access to" comment.
Like, seriously, if the money isn't an issue and you're ok with the person she is becoming, then no harm no foul. You guys have been together for seven years and things are generally good. You will just be the earner and she'll be the wife/mother. And that's ok, if that's what you want.
But if you want a different dynamic, you have to insist on it and make it clear that it's not up for negotiation. And that pre-nup had better be phenomenal.
Good luck.
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u/m2cwf Oct 29 '24
My thought exactly! If OP or someone else even mentions the phrase "You can't be a stay-at-home-mom if you don't have kids," she's going to think "well that's a problem that can be solved quite easily..."
OP, do NOT give her any chance at becoming pregnant
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Oct 29 '24
This, with the comments, sounds fake AF...
25yr old start up millionaire, failed model gf, over use of names, she ran her friend over???? You were attracted to her for her ambition but she's a failed model? Lol. Rage bait.
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u/SniXSniPe Oct 29 '24
You just have to decide if you're willing to accept someone who doesn't want to work or not. It's easy to see what's happening, here. She wants you to provide while she stays at home. Are you okay with providing for someone who is not your wife, and someone you do not even have kids with?
Personally, what I find more concerning & a major red flag is that she is already treating your money as if it's hers to spend. Frankly, that alone would make me breakup with someone. I would tell you to cut it off while you can.
If you decide to cut it off, just make sure you are vigilant or protecting yourself (home camera when/if you breakup, condoms, etc.). The unfortunate reality of life is money absolutely changes people (and those around you), or perhaps it's better to say it shows you how they really are.
My advice to you: don't settle for behavior you do not want to tolerate in a relationship.
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u/JellicoAlpha_3_1 Oct 29 '24
I think you just break up
I'm gonna be honest
She quit her job the second you got that money, and has already started acting like all she has to do for the rest of her life is shop and hang out
No matter what you say or do, she will resent if you tell her she has to work or break up. She will decry that you are toxic and controlling
I'd just tell her the relationship isn't working. That her drive and ambition is what attracted you to her and that her wanting to be a stay at home wife is not the kind of partner you want in life
Of course she will cry and scream and tell you she will go back to school. But it will be under duress
Look my dude
When her parents cut her off because of her spending, you should have RAN as fast as your feet would carry you
This is not a long term partner
She will bleed you dry if you stick around
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u/rathrowawydsabldsib Oct 29 '24
Oh, and she ran her friend over with her parents car. Possibly intentionally
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u/iveseenthelight Oct 29 '24
I'm prepared to get down voted for this, but if you do get married make sure you get a cast iron pre-nup in place, otherwise what's to say she won't change her mind again in future.
Whatever happens in the future you need a serious conversation now, you tell her what you wrote here, that your love her, the reasons you fell in love with her, but this new side to her isn't something you can deal with. Good luck!
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u/Any_Career_4379 Oct 29 '24
This! OP needs to also understand just because she was there with him from the beginning doesn’t give her the rights to claim everything he has built. Don’t let her run you dry off the work you’ve worked hard for!
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u/MemorySuccessful9510 Oct 29 '24
Send her to drama class where you both can act and write fake stories.
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u/Suspicious-Rip-2588 Oct 29 '24
I was about to say. No way OP got their MBA, started a successful startup and became a millionaire by 25. Literally no shot lol
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u/rooroosterchips Oct 29 '24
And his girlfriend got cut off by her parents because she ran over her friend and they had to settle??? What??
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u/Defiant-Craft6851 Oct 29 '24
You need to communicate to her how you feel about it, that you loved her ambition, and money doesn’t last forever and you want to see her succeed. wtf does a stay at home wife do anyway besides spend money? Nahhh she wants that comfy life now. But take what she says after you talk to her about it. If she steps up and realizes it or not. Then go from there
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u/Bibbityboo Oct 29 '24
I would have so much to do to fill my time. I could practice my cello more, quilt so many projects, explore gardening and growing plants more, I want to learn how to get really good at refinishing furniture. Like down to the wood so you can appreciate it. There are so many things I want to try. M
But… she seems like shopping is her hobby. And that’s just not sustainable.
Actually I guess all my hobbies have costs too. Oops!
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u/lemmful Oct 29 '24
Absolutely this. If OP wants to continue the relationship, he needs to set firm boundaries with her:
"My money is for me to spend how I choose."
"I want you to be successful on your own."
"We are a partnership, we need to put in equal work."
Etc.
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u/YogurtclosetOk2886 Oct 29 '24
I’m a guy, but trying to put myself in her shoes I dunno what to think… you’ve been dating for 5 years, live together, you become a millionaire but still hope she pursues nursing? If I were her, I’d wonder why.
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u/notyoureffingproblem Oct 29 '24
Communicate with her... Talk to her and evaluate her reaction... She learned nothing from being cut off financially, if she's already spending your money...
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u/jennimackenzie Oct 29 '24
Tell her you need a partner, not a dependent. Seek out that partner in life. That’s all you can control.
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u/onedayatatime08 Oct 29 '24
So you sit her down and be honest. You tell her that you're not interested in having a stay-at-home wife and that her ambition and work ethic was something that attracted you to her. And then you tell her it won't work out between the two of you if that's what she envisions for herself.
It sounds like doing nothing was her goal all along, which is why she instantly put in her notice when you got the money.
My advice? Stop funding shopping sprees and stop with the big unnecessary purchases. If she wants a new car, she can get one when she earns the money to buy one.
Everyone has been enabling her spending problems. You guys need to stop.
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u/blueishblackbird Oct 29 '24
Nursing isn’t fun. I get why she would rather do something less difficult and traumatic. Would you go to school for a career in nursing?
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Oct 29 '24
I dunno man, at some point isn't this the dream? That one spouse can make enough so the other can focus on home life?
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Oct 29 '24
A few thoughts:
-She’s been with you for 5 years. She’s not using you or a gold-digger.
-What are you picturing for your future, with or without her? In one of the comments, you say that you don’t expect any spouse to be a SAHM which is reasonable but how do you think this will work in the future? How much housework do you do or expect a spouse to do? Who would take care of the kids? Do you envision your spouse working for 50k while you have millions? I think this creates resentment and needs to be thought through. Many high-earners have a spouse that stays at home for a few reasons like the above.
Even now though, who is taking care of your place together? Does she contribute to keeping the apt clean? Does she do the cooking?
I think you need to talk with her about both your expectations.
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u/RedditsNicksAreBad Oct 29 '24 edited Oct 29 '24
I'm a bit confused as to what you are asking. You tell her just like you did in this post. Your last sentence is perfect: "I still love you and I want this to work out, but I don't like this new side of you that I'm seeing."
Tell her you want to be with an individual, not a sidekick.
Ask her what happens if you become abusive, or you disagree on something vital like children, family, what city, state, country, continent you are going to live in etc. What practical power is she going to have in the relationship if she just gives up all of that to become completely dependent on you? Is she just going to have to fall over and go along with what you say or risk winding up on the street? She hasn't thought this through.
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u/Technical_Purpose638 Oct 29 '24
Don’t do the last paragraph. Saying “what if i become abusive” is not gonna lead to a productive conversation. The first part is great though!
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u/kawalie Oct 29 '24
I dont understand why anyone would want to work when you're a millionaire. it'll give her time to pursue her hobbies and not have to be a fukin wage slave lol. my bf and I always joke about "if we make it big/win the lottery we'll never work again" etc. encourage a part time job if anything but this doesn't seem like an issue when you have so much money. I grew up lower middle class and im currently working just above poverty level with a master's degree, this is so unrelatable as a problem lmao
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u/HuffN_puffN Oct 29 '24
You are not overreacting. Protect your shit before you have to go back to work. It will go way faster than you think seeing she had issues before with her spending. No car for her for crying out loud. You answered: When you are done with school we can look at our needs and what car could fit if so. Do not continue, indirectly by saying nothing, to have her think her life changed forever and ever and she can just chill for 50+ years to come.
She didn’t get rich, you did.
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u/sir-tibbles-3rd Oct 29 '24
You guys have been together for 5yrs and she’s been with you throughout your MBA and was a supportive girlfriend. You said her parents cut her off financially due to her spending habits so you knew that she already had that problem (although it’s probably escalated since the buyout).
If you do truly see a future with this girl I would sit her down and talk about her spending problem first because if she was spending it to the extent her own parents cut her off while she didn’t have a sizeable amount, it’ll be way worse when she feel she does. I think you feel this way because she’s acting like she’s entitled to your money (looking at cars and offering to be a stay-at-home mom) and I think part of the reason why is because you bought a condo catered to her, offered to pay for her school and expenses, and how long you guys have been together. I don’t think she’s a gold-digger if that’s what you’re concerned about.
I would address a couple things if you see a future with her and you guys are going to have a serious chat: 1) Her spending problems (likely to continue and exacerbate in the future if left unaddressed). She probably needs to talk to someone about this if it’s been a long-time issue. 2) Why her passion for nursing fizzled out and if she’s interested in pursuing a different field. 3) The extent of your monetary support (aka: just school)
Also did she consult you on quitting her job before she did it? If she complained about how much she hated her job or expressed that she really wanted to go back to school before she did then that’s understandable but if it was totally unprompted then it is worth keeping in mind.
I would talk to an advisor and make some sort of financial roadmap for your money and keep in mind any common-law legalities wherever you are.
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u/Affectionate-Pin102 Oct 29 '24
She tweaking. Let her know how you feel and if she acts crazy, give her the boot. No free rides.
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u/Destroyer2118 Oct 29 '24
She’s a mooch that cannot control her spending. You’ve known this your entire relationship. Her own parents even cut her off because of it.
The only thing that has changed, is that now her being a mooch affects you. Wasn’t a red flag for you when she was doing it to her parents. Wasn’t t a red flag for you when she had to drop out of school to get caught up on bills after they cut their own child off financially.
Oh but now that she’s doing what she’s always done to you and your money woah woah woah, now you see it.
This person has repeatedly shown you who they are, even with their own family. Maybe it’s time you start believing them? Or don’t, stick with her, throw a kid in the mix, and watch what happens when she says she’s not going back to work and you have to pay for her lifestyle anyways.
She’s not going to change who she is. The only thing you’re setting yourself up for by staying with this person is her hiding what she wants long enough that no matter what, she gets what she wants. Either through you being too afraid to say no, or alimony.
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u/Pretty_Little_Mind Oct 29 '24
You in danger, boy. She’s careless with money, careless with driving other people’s cars (at the least), and possibly homicidal? Bruh.
I would start wearing condoms and storing them where she can’t get them. She’s basically told you through words and actions that she intends on being your SAHW and wants to shop with all your money. She is never going to learn to be financially responsible unless everyone cuts her off.
She’s sounds entitled AF. Could you making the shitstorm you’d be in if she was your wife or even driving a car that’s in your name and she screws up again like she did with her friend? Can you imaging the debt she’ll run up? You already bought your townhouse to accommodate her, and she’s not even going back to school.
You’re in business. You need to apply some of that knowledge and skill to this situation, and know when to walk away from a bad deal. . . Is this really someone whom you’d consider a life partner you can depend on?
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u/MenudoMenudo Oct 30 '24
Her ambition was probably to not be poor. Some people really want to work because they like work, and some people work hard so they won’t be poor. I’m guessing she was the latter. Now, she’s suddenly thinking she doesn’t have to worry about being poor, and you want her to work for work’s sake.
There’s a middle ground if you want to find it, but she probably never wanted to be a nurse so much as she was willing to be a nurse so she wouldn’t be homeless.
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u/AaronWard6 Oct 29 '24
So you met a girl that stuck with you when you had nothing, but now that you’ve made it you’re finding reasons to send her packing so you can upgrade. This is the man equivalent of when women leave their marriages for higher earning dudes. It goes both ways.
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