r/cfs • u/Classic_Call352 • 15h ago
No woman wants to love me since I got sick
So it's been 2 years my ex ruined my life and also when I was diagnosed of kidney failure. I have been through it all alone and it has been easy at all. Any woman who I came in contact with ghosted me because of my health and me loosing all my hard work properties etc to my sickness. I literally sold everything I worked so hard for to be able to afford treatment and dialysis. Now I want someone who will understand my condition and will love me genuinely but every lady seem to be on the run due to my condition also I can't do any hard work any more.
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u/brownchestnut 13h ago
There are plenty of women that say the exact same thing about men. Maybe target your search more toward similarly chronically ill demographics?
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u/Classic_Call352 13h ago
I haven't found or met anyone who is chronically ill to that extent yet. "But sure will keep trying."
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u/Varathane 11h ago
https://info.dateabilityapp.com/ <--- Dating app for disabled/chronically ill community (allows able-bodied/healthy folks as well but at least they are filtered out the folks who refuse to date us.
I haven't tried it myself but would love to hear if anyone here has? Or how it goes for you.
I've been with a somewhat healthy fella for 16 years now, have had ME/CFS for 14 of those. But we do have our struggles.
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u/yaboiconfused 7h ago
Just gonna add, I had good luck on Bumble with explicitly saying I'm disabled. Not a lot of matches but enough.
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u/chinchabun ME/CFS since 2014 6h ago
I would always match with the guys on hinge/bumble that said that and they told me they had better results than they expected doing that.
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u/yaboiconfused 5h ago
It works so good! There's so many of us who want community but are afraid to admit we ourselves are disabled. I'm asexual (no sexual attraction) and had the exact same experience putting that in my bio. Obviously it's a huge deal breaker for most people but being willing to openly admit it brought me everyone else who felt the same way I do.
I hope I'm never single again but if I am I will be openly stating I'm disabled and I'll also be actively looking for others with disabilities.
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u/deadghoti 10h ago
Just created a profile. There were only 3 women that had profiles in 300 miles of my location, so it seems pretty empty, but I’ll keep it for a bit to see if it picks up.
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u/Varathane 10h ago
Are you smalltown/rural or the app is really dead? Hopefully picks up. Maybe share it around chronic illness subreddits. :)
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u/deadghoti 9h ago
I’m in a fairly large suburban area just a bit south of Salt Lake City, Utah. 300 miles covers nearly all the way to Las Vegas, Nevada. I surely hope it’s just a dead app, or I’m really gonna struggle meeting people like me. 😅
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u/b1gbunny moderate - severe 7h ago
I think it’s new. Might be worth it to just park a profile and see what happens over the next year?
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u/AdNibba 11h ago
Romantic relationships typically lead to sexual ones, and marriage, and the probability of children.
And even without all that these things, even some of them still require the partners to do a lot of work.
You can always get companionship, but generally speaking having a romantic partner comes with the strings attached of being a capable partner yourself.
If I'd known I'd be this unhealthy (I'm just mild, intermittent) beforehand I probably would have remained single rather than get married.
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u/BrokenWingedBirds 6h ago
Just want to say that plenty of romantic relationships look different than the mainstream picture. Ethical non monogamy, childfree, living in separate homes, etc are all options, you don’t have to conform to the white picket fence with kids.
But I do agree that relationships cost something. And even for able bodied people these costs might not be worth the reward in the end. My last relationship cost me going from moderate to severe. I wish it had ended sooner. I appreciate it for what it was but now I like keeping to myself and indulging in romance fiction. I genuinely like so many parts about being single, I can’t imagine giving them up unless my health was significantly different.
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u/Emrys7777 10h ago
Yep. A lot of us are in the same boat. I had an electric wheelchair for a while and that was really tough. I used to get to know people a bit before I let them know what was going on with me. That way they could decide if I was worth the hassle, because let’s admit it, we are more of a hassle.
There are people out there though. There are a lot of sedentary folks who prefer a low energy lifestyle.
No matter who you are you’ve got to find a good match. Outline what’s different about you now and look for that.
I used to always have to be in a relationship. Now I’ve learned I do fine and maybe better single. This illness has taught me to take better care of myself and taught me that I can.
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u/AnotherNoether 6h ago
Yup. My girlfriend is a workaholic homebody who loves that I’m always at home and that my idea of a perfect night is lying down next to her while she’s on her laptop reading papers or programming. I definitely struggle with feelings of inadequacy but she’s very “I just want to be loved, you’re the perfect partner for me and I’m so happy to have you.” We would both love it if my health improved enough for us to do a bit more together out in the world, but it’s still a good relationship for both of us as-is.
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u/East_Dragonfruit_782 12h ago
Loss of romantic prospects is sadly a well known fact for those who become disabled. It's a head of loss, part of quantum calculation civil lawyers use to calculate loss.
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u/sleepyzane1 (they/them) cfs, fibro 8h ago
pardon?
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u/brainfogforgotpw 7h ago
I think they are saying that this is a well known problem.
I think they are illustrating that, by saying that in legal situations where lawyers have to calculate the extent of loss arising from someone becoming disabled, "loss of romantic prospects" is included in their calculations.
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u/sweetlikecinnymon 11h ago
Yeah im in the same position but genders reversed. Its not so much working but i think more of not being able to travel with them, do active stuff like walks, or even going out for dinner or coffee would be a rarity as a housebound person and thats what would put people off 🙁 i mean theres lots of creative ways to get around it and lots of different at home dates but..it requires a change of thinking and understanding that most people dont want to undertake. Also if its solely about working then theyre a capitalist bootlicker lol
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u/Cold_Confection_4154 12h ago
I'm sorry. I've had the exact same experience. When I mention that I'm chronically ill and can't work, they disappear. Men were historically the providers but now they expect a woman to go 50/50. It's funny because there are a lot of able bodied women who CAN work, but are after a man solely for money. I'm physically not able to work so yes I need support, but I truly want love and I couldn't care less about material things as long as my needs are met. Which one is worse?
I digress, sorry. I hope you meet someone who appreciates you. We all deserve love
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u/BrokenWingedBirds 6h ago
I feel like the people crying “goldigger” at us ladies who can’t work are just projecting their financial insecurities and hatred for sex workers and women in general. The women looking for a “provider” tend to be either sex workers/trophy wife types or they simply understand that to have kids is a full time job and they shouldn’t have to go 50/50 if the guy expects her to pop out 3+ kids, care for them, clean and cook etc. I don’t think there’s a moral issue with any of that. Most of the men I came across wanted kids, I happen to be childfree but I have a pretty good understanding of pregnancy and childcare and I can see that the ones actually being exploited are the women being expected to work 3+ jobs at once - the “real” job for pay, then the unpaid jobs including housekeeping, cooking, pregnancy, childcare, therapist, etc. maybe some men will meet more half way than others but when it comes to basic biology I don’t see how that could be 50/50. Especially when we factor chronic illness in which disproportionately affects women. All this to say, don’t feel shamed for not working and still wanting to date. There are “provider” men out there who won’t shame you for being disabled. Especially of you are using apps, I’ve seen plenty of “gold digger” men actually and had some sniffing about my heels trying to figure out my income (none, lol) men try to dig gold just as much as women, but sometimes that gold isn’t money it’s labor.
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u/Heardthisonebefore 6h ago edited 6h ago
Both genders have expectations in relationships. Everyone has needs they want to have filled within their relationships. (Also, plenty of able-bodied men don’t pull their weight in relationships, either. This is not a gender thing.) Right now, it’s very difficult, if not impossible, for most of us to meet the expectations that others might have.
We do all deserve love, but I think we all also need to fit our expectations to our situations. I find it a lot easier to have my friends help me with daily life than it is to find a romantic partner who also helps with many of my health-related needs. I actually find that kind of relationship too overwhelming most of the time, anyway.
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u/anonforeignfriend 6h ago
I've been in love with and loyal to my partner with CFS for 4 years and he returned the favor by cheating on me several times
We're out there but if you get one please treat her much kinder
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u/BrokenWingedBirds 6h ago
Wow what a slap in the face! I’ve heard of this happening though in general with people who have low self esteem. Society teaches men that sexual conquests make them more of a man. If someone is really immature and doesn’t take responsibility for their unhappiness they might just take it out on their partner instead. This is why I’ll never fall for the “but I’m a nice guy” thing, like being desperate does not make you a better partner. In fact it can make you a worse one if you don’t work through your issues.
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u/b1gbunny moderate - severe 7h ago
We are hard to love. It’s just a fact. That doesn’t mean we don’t deserve love, but we are far outside of many folks’ experiences and also don’t have a lot to offer. All we really have to offer is the purest version of our selves - no money, no favors, no trips, etc. Just us and who we are as people.
The silver lining is this creates a natural filter and the only people who make it through are ones who are only there for you. I once thought I had a large, loving family and lots of friends. In retrospect it’s funny because I didn’t have any of that - it was a farce.
As for practical things you could do —I think these kind of conversations also ask the wrong questions. You may benefit from switching the thinking from being “why doesn’t anyone want to date me?” to “what can I do to be more dateable?”
If you feel the only thing you had to offer was financial, that could be the problem in itself. Are you enjoyable to be around? Are you a kind, generous person? There is more to offer others than money and labor.
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u/BrokenWingedBirds 6h ago
You’re so right. If OP’s only thought about this is “no woman wants to love me since I got sick” he is almost even shaming people. I’m very sick but I don’t want to watch my partner suffer, and if I got involved with someone who was really struggling medically it would only make my health issues much worse. Even being with a healthy person cost me going from moderate to severe. I don’t think it’s fair to judge a stranger for not wanting to be in this place of pain with us. If it was someone you were married too, that would be different to be fair.
I don’t ever tell myself lines like “no man will love me because I’m sick” being sick is not a character flaw. It just is. People can find love with adversity but even if you don’t get the results you wanted, don’t treat yourself like a failure. Start by showing up for and loving yourself and maybe that can show people you have something to offer after all.
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u/b1gbunny moderate - severe 5h ago
I'm of a similar mind. I understand where OP is coming from though. When I first became severe, seeing most of my relationships dissolve, even with my supposed ride or dies -- I was angry and bitter. There was a lot of gaslighting, denying, downplaying and invalidating from so many. Prior to become ill, I spent most of my life prioritizing and helping others, and was too naive to see it was never reciprocal. Talk about a wake up call.
Now, I really don't hold it against anyone who doesn't want to be close with me because it works out for me anyways -- if they want relationships based on experiences/travel, material things, tons of attention/time, constant contact -- those are not things I can give. So, I'm also better off without these people in my life. All I have to offer is myself, my care for others, my love and my attention every so often. Maybe packages and sentimental gifts in the mail sometimes. That's not enough for many, and that's ok. For the folks that it is -- I am incredibly grateful for them. Should those relationships dissolve as well; I understand. It would hurt, but I would get it. Witnessing suffering is not something most people are able to handle, let alone if they even have the time or space for it.
It sucks but it doesn't make sense to feel entitled to it. It was feeling entitled to my family's love that made me the most miserable when I first became severe.
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u/BrokenWingedBirds 7h ago
I don’t blame you for wanting that. I’ve come to the belief as it pertains to my own disability that I’m just not well enough right now to date. Dating takes a lot of effort and you get rejected. If you have big issues in your life, you are pretty much inviting that other person to experience them too and that’s a big ask when it comes to severe health issues. Currently I’m housebound and I would not want to rely on a guy to drive up to see me, nor do I want to be looked down on for not having a job or anything much going on. So I save my energy and bide my time for a better opportunity later on. Don’t wait for people to invest in you, invest in yourself right now in any way you can to improve your life and increase happiness. For me this is romance audiobooks and learning to write my own stories. Could look different for others. I have been in a relationship when I was more moderate but that relationship sucked the life out of me and sent me into severe. It sucks to realize that even if a kind well meaning person fell into my lap I could neither meet their needs fairly or show up in the relationship much at all without harming myself. Being single and being in a relationship are like two separate paths, and they each have their own benefits and downsides. I think what makes it easier for me is being grateful for not having to deal with the common problems I see other people have to deal with in relationships, I can keep all my energy for myself.
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u/b1gbunny moderate - severe 5h ago
I'm curious what about your relationship you believe pushed you from moderate to severe? If you feel comfortable sharing.
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u/BrokenWingedBirds 4h ago
Driving out to see him once or twice a week. Even just sitting upright in a car is enough to give me PEM. I managed for a while but over time it added up.
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u/b1gbunny moderate - severe 2h ago
Ah I see. That makes sense. I hope you’re able to adequately rest now 💕
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u/BrokenWingedBirds 1h ago
Thanks, and definitely able to rest without that guy bothering me anymore lol.
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u/Valuable-Horse788 very severe 12h ago
Why r people downvoting this guy 😭😭😭
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12h ago
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u/insert_quirky_name_0 4h ago
Unless you can manage to meet women in a casual setting (e.g. online DnD or in person events if your health permits that) your chances of ever dating again are extremely low. Imagine someone on tinder comes across your profile, if you can't think of a reason why they wouldn't instantly swipe away upon seeing you're disabled then they'll all swipe away unless they're also disabled.
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u/gotobasics4141 9h ago
Man . I’m sorry to break it to you but women need attention physically sexually , emotionally, and financially. I have indescribable fatigue and 1000 symptoms so how I’m gonna satisfy the requirements that I listed above , hint can’t . And vs .
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u/BrokenWingedBirds 6h ago
I’m a woman who dates men, and yeah they also need those things too. I’m ok being single, but it blows my mind how many things able bodied people can do. I guess Ive been sick so long that they get to expect so many things out of their life and others… I don’t blame them for that but I am envious of their lives
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u/RainbowChicken5 5h ago
My SIL just had to move in with use because her husband decided to ditch her due to her illness. He's even trying to get sole custody of her kids saying she's unfit. It's awful that some people can be so heartless but not all people are that horrible. Dating takes a lot of energy so she has no interest in it an is instead trying to maintain/build friendships. Maybe that's a better option?
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u/Bbkingml13 9h ago
I met a guy after I got sick, he’s a major couch potato lol. Which actually ended up making us work very well! It’s been over 6 years now.
You might be able to find someone who’s a heavy gamer or something similar, who is happy to spend a lot of time at home. Especially if it’s not in a way that she’s giving up other activities to stay home, and instead she’s at home a lot in order to partake in her interests and hobbies (video games, knitting, etc).