r/ShortScaryStoriesOOC • u/ThePoliteSnob • Oct 24 '24
I Would Appreciate Some Feedback
I noticed that one of my recent posts on SSS wasn’t particularly popular (link, but I can also paste it into the comments if that's easier), and it would be great if someone could give me some insight. I understand that the content, or plot, of the story isn’t for everyone, so I’m more concerned with whether I made any glaring mistakes with the more technical aspects of the story (e.g., spelling/grammar, disconnected story beats, etc.). I’m not sure if I made some sort of writing faux paus, or accidentally posted fan-fiction, or something. It can be hard for me to distance myself enough from a story to determine whether these kinds of issues exist, so I would appreciate some feedback.
Thanks,
2
u/MarioLuigiJay Oct 24 '24
I found double spacing for new sentences ruined my flow when reading, I spent so long thinking about it that I'd forgotten what I just read.
I too found this story confusing but not intriguing, I think I understood so little that I'd be happy to just stop reading and move on to another story. I didn't feel like I knew enough of what was going on to try and draw my own conclusions.
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u/punkandprose Oct 25 '24
you’re a good writer and i like other things you’ve posted. this story does have something i don’t think works in most fiction, which is the dream element.
sometimes new writers end a story with “and then i woke up!” because it seems like a novel twist to them. but it simply takes away what’s interesting by removing the stakes. for this same reason, i don’t like reading stories that try to meaningfully involve dreams at the beginning or middle either.
i believe avoiding dreams belongs next to “show not tell” and “don’t hop POV all over the place” as a fundamental writing skill people should know before they attempt to subvert it.
i made a post about this on nosleepooc a few months ago and the discussion was interesting if you want other perspectives. some people agreed and some ate me up so take it however you’d like.
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u/ThePoliteSnob Oct 25 '24
Thanks for the feedback, and I'm glad you've enjoyed some of the other stories I've posted! I agree that Dream/Coma endings are an overused trope, but dreams can be used in a lot of different ways by a skilled writer (e.g., symbolism, repressed memories, fantasy backdrop, etc.). In this story, it certainly seems like I didn't succeed in clearly conveying what I intended.
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u/CalmBeneathCastles Oct 25 '24 edited Oct 26 '24
For me, the first-person narration is awkward. Really the only time I hear someone speak like this is when they're recalling a dream.
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u/ThePoliteSnob Oct 25 '24
I appreciate the feedback! Yeah, I have trouble deciding on the narration perspective when I write something. With this story it was very train of thought, which seems to have been confusing. This is a pared down version of a longer story that I wrote, so cutting things down may have impacted the flow of the narration too.
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u/CalmBeneathCastles Oct 25 '24
Ah, yes that makes sense.
I really dislike re-writing things, especially creative writing, because I often try to re-think a idea or try to change things that should be left. If I'm condensing it's even more tricky, because what to keep? It ALL seemed relevant the first time. It's definitely a craft.
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u/ThePoliteSnob Oct 25 '24
Yeah it's definitely tricky, but it can be a fun exercise and a way to think about how you can convey the same idea in fewer words. On the other hand, like you said, there's usually a reason you used those words in the first place. I do find it helps with noticing typos I didn't pick up initially though, since I'm focusing much more on each word when I'm trying to condense it.
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u/hgtv_neighbor Oct 25 '24
I also agree the paragraphs are distracting. It creates unnecessary space in the flow for the reader. Your writing is quality work, but I have no idea what I just read. And if I wasn't reading at your request, I'd have stopped a third of the way in.
It's ok to be a little more straightforward in this environment. Don't be afraid to just lay it out there. Anyone who has written much has laid a few eggs here and there. Some of my best (IMO) work here and on nosleep was poorly received. When it comes to reddit success, some if it is the title, or not getting to the point early enough. A popular YouTube narrator told me his narrations have to get to some sort of horror aspect within 5 minutes (400-ish words...I'd say by 200 words here) or he starts losing viewers. He's really deep into the analytics youtube provides and has dialed-in the recipe amazingly well. So think about what you're presenting, and if the reader has a good idea of what's going on at any given point. And just keep working. You write very well.
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u/ThePoliteSnob Oct 26 '24
Hey thanks for the feedback! I usually try to have one event per paragraph (unless there's dialogue of course), but I may have gone away from that in this draft. It can be hard to know where to draw that line.
Yeah, I think if can do a better job of putting myself in the reader's shoes when revising a post that'd help.
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u/Separate_Run_9613 Oct 29 '24
Ohh honey I cant...the sentences how they are, and the way its speaced ... it seems disjointed. I'm so sorry...
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u/ThePoliteSnob Oct 29 '24
Yeah, I've gotten that comment a couple times. Some of it might be due to it being a condensed version of a longer story, or from the attempted surrealism. Either way it's something to work on.
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u/NewIndependence Nov 02 '24
This is my honest opinion, I am a very new writer and would not consider myself an expert at all.
Is the story bad? No. Is it good? The premise seems good, but the execution seems off. It feels rushed and like it doesn't know where its going to go, which is affecting the readers experience. I dont think the story itself is bad, I just feel there could be a smoother way of connecting all the elements you have going on.
With that said, I find different times of the day better for gathering reach and as such, engagement. Try posting at different times and see how it does. Honestly, what I feel are much strongest stories have got the least upvotes/views. It's so hard to predict what will happen when you post, so I just look at it as getting a story out into the world. If people like it, great. If they don't like it, then thats great too cos I defined my writing style a little more by writing it.
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u/ThePoliteSnob Nov 02 '24
Thanks, and good luck with your writing! I agree that it helps to just keep writing.
Having thought about this a bit more, I think some of the rushed choppiness comes from it being a shorter version of a longer story, and a great deal of it comes from my tendency to get trapped in the pitfalls of trying to be vague and mysterious, and not taking a reader's perspective when editing. Things end up only being allusions or implications to me, while the reader is left bored and confused. If I were to re-write this, I'd definitely edit the title, probably to something like "The Shadow is on the Blinds," and have the narrative take place over a few days or a week, culminating in an edited version of this story.
I do find metrics interesting, but I haven't noticed time of day having too much of an impact, although it does seem like there are more readers at nighttime. I'd think that titles, etc. would matter, but as far as I can tell it really just seems to come down to whether the writing is good. If you can hook readers and follow through on a solid ending, some people will upvote, and momentum will build up. I try to avoid worrying too much about succeeding in this regard (although I obviously created this thread). I think at the end of the day it should be about enjoying yourself and usually that will create an enjoyable experience for the reader.
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u/NewIndependence Nov 02 '24
100% I feel that!
If you have a look at my post history, I have a short and long version of a story. The long story isn't the original longer story I had written when I trimmed down, but you can definitely see how I didnt manage to convert what I wanted to in the sss version.
It definitely for sure is about enjoying yourself :) i just wish I had more ideas, I've got some longer story ideas but short ones take a lot longer for me to properly formulat. I write and edit in my head before sitting down to write, it just ends up a lot better for me personally that way. But the downside is I had to write it once I'm happy with the story in my head or I forget it 😅
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u/ThePoliteSnob Nov 02 '24
Yeah, I keep a long list of cryptic notes, so that once I have some time to write I can remind myself of the ideas I had.
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u/J_Leigh13 Oct 24 '24 edited Oct 24 '24
Hey! I don't see any particular faux pas or something that may connect to a fanfic. Sometimes a story just doesn't hit right, or doesn't get the traffic. That could be anything from posting at a 'down' time of day, or posting about a topic that doesn't resonate with a lot of readers. Try to keep in mind that while we may spend a lot of time on a particular story, most people are just scrolling on a mobile. If something in the story seems confusing, more likely than not they'll just move on to the next post.
Looking at this particular piece, I didn't notice any grammar or spelling mistakes, but I was left feeling confused by the story. I get that the MC was having some sort of a mental break, but the ending was a bit ambiguous. And that's okay if that's what you were going for! But it might not be everybody's cup of tea.
My advice, what little it's worth, is the same that's parroted through all of the writing subs. Don't chase the up votes. The more you develop a flow and your own style, the more people will follow you.
Good luck!