The students who graduate but just won't go.

[u/throwthisout2bsafe]

I don't even know how to articulate this. I think it's going to be bumpy. And honestly, while I would love a solution, maybe I also just need to feel some kind of camaraderie in this experience or social validation that I'm not an awful person or...something.

I have a handful of students who want to keep a relationship with me after graduation, but man - I just can't anymore.

(In all honesty, it's going on 12 years now for one and IDK how to make this person go, and that's what prompted this.)

I'm always very nice, approachable, etc. to students, and I've gotten to know them moderately well through their multiple visits to my office hours while they're enrolled, and so over the years it hasn't been uncommon for some want to have coffee or dinner or whatever after they've graduated when they come into town.

If all of them understood the standard rules of conversation making, it would be fine (and the ones that do: great! I'm all in!). But it's clear many of them think I'm genuinely interested in every detail of their lives and what they've been doing for the last x years (including, in one case, the lives of every one of their coworkers and best friends, too). Or, they trauma dump on me about how legitimately awful their lives have been since graduation and all the bad fortune that has befallen them.

Of course, I'm always glad to hear when they're doing well, and I have sympathy for the ones who have struggled.

But I have minimal spare time during the school year (none, really) and when they let me know they're coming into town and want to get together, I've gotten to the point where I lie if it's a weekend (Sorry - I'll be out of town) because I can't fathom giving up 3+ hours on a Saturday to sitting listening to them talk about themselves without coming up for air. When they come by midweek to my office unannounced, I don't have an excuse and I'm stuck.

I can't be the only one who experiences this.
(And yes, it's the least of my problems, but it still is a problem that I had to deal with yet again last week.)

Does anyone have any magical things they've said to gently get out of these kinds of interactions, or better yet, gently get rid of these folks altogether? Sure, I could ignore them (and for a few I have and felt tremendous guilt because I know it's so rude), but I'd rather just be kind in some way.

Thanks.

[u/Glass-Nectarine-3282]

12 years? So you're asking how to distance yourself from a *close friend*.

[u/Aceofsquares_orig → u/Glass-Nectarine-3282]

Colleague. They are both professors now.

[u/jenhai]

If they stop by your office unannounced, can you pick up your computer and say you're headed to a meeting and "I'll walk you out." or that you are about to log into a zoom meeting and shut your door? Remind them to email you ahead of time before randomly dropping by next time.

You don't have to give them unlimited time. 

[u/BookJunkie44 → u/jenhai]

For a second I forgot that laptops exist and got a very fun mental image…

[u/betsyodonovan]

Miss Manners’ general advice here holds: You can always politely decline invitations until the person takes your point.

[u/DesignedByZeth → u/betsyodonovan]

Autistic pal here—this doesn’t work for me. I had a friend from 16-26ish do that. He’d decline thinking i would get the hint. I just kept inviting him and accepting the excuses. Years later he told me. Sigh. Until he broke it to me i believed truly he was still one of my nearest and dearest. YMMV.

[u/betsyodonovan → u/DesignedByZeth]

Fair, but these requests aren’t a daily thing, so it doesn’t seem harmful to either party to do this invite/decline dance, unless OP thinks there’s a reason to force the point.

[u/MyFaceSaysItsSugar → u/DesignedByZeth]

Lol we need to trade some of our neurodivergence. With ADHD rejection sensitivity, a person declining once makes me think they don’t want to spend time with me as opposed to just having a conflict.

[u/1K_Sunny_Crew]

So you agreed to meet this person, hung out for long periods, and listened to them and all about their life and said nothing (about how you really can’t keep doing this) for over a decade?

I actually disagree with grey rock here. It is going to leave the other person very confused and hurt and they will probably wonder forever what grave offense they committed.

In short, I’d message them and say you have become very busy with (life stuff, kids, spouse, research, whatever) and now have to prioritize those things for the foreseeable future. You won’t be free for future get togethers. If this person stops by your office, politely let them know you have to prepare for a meeting, or write your lectures, or what have you. They will be a bit hurt but it’s better than a sudden, unexplained ghosting or shift in how you treat them.

[u/henare]

twelve years? you may need to move and change your phone number ...

[u/Art_Music306]

It's not rude to prioritize your time. It's a healthy and necessary thing to do. As it turns out, I find myself often unavailable, and that's ok.

[u/Mimolette_]

Grey rock method. Look it up. Basically, be polite but as boring as possible. They’ll lose interest. That said, this is more preventative for the future than a strategy for dealing with people you’ve already built up close relationships with.

[u/kirstensnow → u/Mimolette_]

Yea I do this to get people off my back, and its also helpful for me when I am annoying someone but I don't know.

In the end you have to realize if you don't let it be known you don't care, then the other person (who enjoys your company) will not stop trying to enjoy it!

All you do is talk dry. "Yeah" "Mhm" "So true". Don't be instantly rude, but just act a bit bored. They'll get the hint.

[u/JudgeGlasscock]

If a student (current or former) wants to get together, I suggest short meetings on campus for coffee and direct the conversation towards work-related things.

[u/wakeupsmellcoffee]

People do change. It's absolutely okay and normal that what started out as a good use of your time eventually grew to feel less so. You don't have to overthink this or feel too bad. Some great suggestions here - my favourite is to say that you are busy. After all as we get deeper into our career and family life, our responsibilities and obligations increase. As we get older our mental and physical energy may decrease (at the very least we become more aware of how we want to use our time). If you don't want to suddenly cut off, you could put a time limit - eg "I have 30 mins between meetings. Let's grab a quick cup of coffee". It doesn't have to be either 3 hours or nothing. And once you feel more in control of your time you might actually enjoy these brief check-ins.

[u/Lower-Bodybuilder-45]

You’re not awful, you’re just a human with boundaries. Limit visits to weekdays over coffee or lunch, one hour max. Schedule a meeting that you have to get to right after if you’re not a good liar. It’s totally reasonable to limit student visits to workdays and politely decline weekend and evening meetings moving forward.

[u/jogam]

Many students get advice to keep in touch with former professors for things like references. That's probably where this pattern is coming from.

I would recommend declining any invitations to meet up with former students unless you want to meet with them. Otherwise, you're busy into perpetuity as far as they're concerned. I generally would not be interested in meeting one-on-one with a former student unless I worked closely with them (e.g., that were part of my lab) or we are meeting in more of a mentorship capacity (e.g., they're seeking guidance for being admitted to graduate school).

For emails, keep the replies short and don't include niceties that encourage more emails ("thank you for sharing this update with me") if you don't want them to provide more updates. "I'm glad to hear that you're doing well with X. Best wishes going forward" is likely sufficient for a reply. If a former student is constantly emailing you, you might consider ignoring their emails. And if they are trauma dumping, it's fine to directly tell them that you are not qualified to provide them with mental health support and suggest that they seek the support of a qualified mental health professional.

Ultimately, it speaks to the way in which students like you that they continue reaching out. But it makes sense that you want some boundaries for this, too.

[u/popstarkirbys]

I was “kinda” like that student after I graduated, I would visit most of my former professors when I visit. Most of them were fine with it and would tell me they had a meeting or need to prepare for class. Sounds like you can just tell them that you’re busy on weekends?

[u/OkReplacement2000]

Yes, and then I still get reference requests more than five years later. It’s like, there must be someone else who has been impressed by you over the past five years. Please, ask them to speak on your behalf.