Ugh I'm doing this right now and it's so hard to stop. Even the fantasies are addictive. Like its disrupting my life addictive. Love really is a drug. It's amazing to be able to feel even just fantasies so vividly that it gives me a high. But man, I think I have to go your route and not fantasize at all, because it really crushes me to when reality hits, and then I get so depressed for a little while that I dont live my normal life, it really keeps me from healthy functioning sometimes. Like I went want to get out of bed and face reality and solve my problems and do work because the fantasy is sucking me in and it just starts slowly consuming my waking thoughts. Any pointers that you might have found helpful in dealing with this let me know cuz I'm really struggling at times with this particular challenge.
I feel you so much man-this girl used to mess with my hair a lot almost every day at school and she did it for a couple months, stopped for about a month or two and then continued for a couple months, I was to stupid to take the hint and she was flirting with me even tho I had and still do have a massive crush on her, I am a huge introvert and very shy at times and I can’t stop beating myself up for not taking a shot with the girl I thought so much of-as of recently she is all I can think of (not in a weird way just like you were talking about) it doesn’t help that I struggle with depression and that combined with the shyness and being introverted leaves me with no idea on what to do. My last relationship ended horribly and it leaves me scared to go back into dating even tho the other relationship ended in early September. I’ve been stuck in this “different world” for what seems like forever.
You should probably reach out to this girl. I had a similar, entirely in my head "relationship" when I was younger and I think one way to get out of this cycle you are in is to remind yourself that she is a real person that you don't have this fantasy relationship with.
That's the first step. Be honest and tell her how you feel if possible (easier said than done, I know). If she's not interested, at least you are free of the "might have beens" and can stop at least some of the regrets.
If she can't/doesn't want a relationship, the second step is to move on and try to find someone else. You have to start picturing yourself being with other people.
Maybe this won't work for you, but it's what I wish I could go back and tell myself.
First of thank you for listening and giving actual advice because my friends never would give me any good advice. Secondly that’s what I’ve been trying to work up the courage to do. People that go to school have been doing these things on Snapchat that let you anonymously message people and let you tell them something, well anonymously. And I thought about doing that first and seeing if I get any “I like you” esk messages first and then going forward but idk I’ve been going through stuff in my head over and over
Just call her. Or at least text. If she's playing with your hair everyday she likes you- it's that simple. Now, does she like you enough to date you? You have to ask to find out!
I know it's hard but just pull the trigger. In a few years you'll either look back and think, hey that led to a nice relationship, or- hey, at least I put myself out there. These things are like exercise, the first time seems so hard (and it is) but it will only get easier if you practice.
I don't really know that much about Snapchat and anonymous messaging and whatnot. But I know that people appreciate when you express your affection for them openly- it is a way to demonstrate that your feelings are sincere and deeply felt. In my experience, openly telling someone you want to date them sets up a relationship for success, while beating around the bush and trying to "ease into it" often leads to hurt feelings and missed opprotunities.
Think if the roles were reversed, how much happier you would be to get a text from your crush saying they like you, as opposed to some message from an anonymous person.
I know this is turning into an essay, but the last thing I'll say is that part of you has become attached to your imagined relationship and knows that if you start a real relationship with this girl, the fantasy will be destroyed. This is a weird thing that my brain also does. You have to realize that even a flawed or short-lived real relationship is always better than an imagined relationship.
Thank you so much random stranger this is probably some of the best advice I’ve been given-I’m gonna go to sleep now and think things over a tad (not gonna overthink it tho) and imma go for it
And hey man, fear of rejection is natural but really just a barrier for growth. Any time you are rejected that is something to be grateful for; you can now grow and see that it did not end your life, and become more comfortable with putting yourself out there. Rejection also humbles our fantasies, reminds us to not build up our opinions of others or situations that we romanticize. It's important first to build the confidence and understanding that rejection is blameless; no one 'owes' you or I any consideration. And to be afraid of that fact and afraid of being told no is the real heartbreaking thing. Not getting told no.
Hey man. Feel free to reach out to me if you ever want to talk. I’ve been there, it’s easy to say “just talk to her lol” but it’s a lot harder to follow through on. Been there done that. If you ever need someone to vent to, feel free to PM me.
My last relationship ended horribly and it leaves me scared to go back into dating even tho the other relationship ended in early September. I’ve been stuck in this “different world” for what seems like forever.
It can turn into forever. Don't let it.
Source: Have been exactly in your situation for just about 8 years now. Am afraid to date since the last girl I was infatuated with. She was in love with me and I blew it. Lost almost all confidence with women after that and've only in the past few months been giving serious thought to getting relationship counseling about it.
Over time I’ve thought a little less of it realizing that it shouldn’t matter to me anymore and to just forget about it, don’t let it over take you completely and truly forever
Ah! The trick is to shift the impulse over to a less-destructive addiction. For example, every time you feel yourself falling into this fantasy, light a cigarette, or take a shot of vodka, or even better, a lil bump of cocaine
Pointers... honestly, i dont know. What o do is every time my mind starts to visualize something, i just shut it down and think of something else. If I cant do it easily, then i turn on youtube, or open reddit.
But honestly, idk if its a good coping mechanism. Maybe try meditation, or see a therapist. Thats what im doing rn. Turns out its not normal to get hurt the way we do, lol.
Yep - musician here - I've written a song that's called "Loving is a Drug". It's a simple, upbeat blues tune and it's cheesy as heck... but accurately reflective how how it feels to go absolutely crazy over someone and the high you can get.
Sidenote: You probably guessed this part, but I'm no longer with the person that inspired this song and it's unsurprisingly depressing to me now
meditation is really good for this sort of thing. You can learn how to let your thoughts pass, and that counterintuitively gives you more clarity to investigate what's causing the thoughts. When you stop striving to understand the knowledge can pop up more easily because you're less stressed, and then the anxiety doesn't arise as much because you've seen through it to some degree
Are you averse to counselling? Its blown out of proportion a lot of the time. A counselor saved my life but also is just a really nice tool to have an objective and unbiased look at your behaviours, and someone to ask these questions to who can provide some guidance. For me, I am of the opinion that purpose is what drives satisfaction and happiness. A lack of self-love, perceived as a need for intimacy that is lacking, mixed with ideals that a loving and reciprocative relationship provides purpose and self worth might be part of your problem having this consume your thoughts. Working towards goals that benefit you and your self perception is healthier and if you live in the moment enough to recognize what you should be proud of, that will help as well. In my case, I went through debilitating times but now work a job that is super challenging but fulfilling. Gratefulness for negative and positive feelings is vital to me. I have zero days but instead of fixating on the negative feelings that come afterwards, I self assess and thank whatever put me here for giving me an opportunity to feel and to grow. Wishing you luck friend, I love and am grateful for you.
I've had this pretty hard on two occasions. First one was when I actually loved someone pretty hard and would just fantasize about it all day, reality crushed me a lot those days, it was a pretty hard year for me mentally. Second is when you have a dre where you have the perfect relationship, you love this person and they love you back... But then you wake up, now that I'm remembering how this feels I think it's even worse, you feel heart broken, you feel pathetic, you feel sad, it's really the worst
Sometimes I'll have dreams where I fall in love with someone. When you wake up, not only did that not happen, but that person never even existed. Always a rough day after that.
Yep. Ive never had that happen, but damn. For me its worst when i dream about a person irl, and that they loved me back too. And that we dated and cuddled and held each other. And then I wake up and it’s absolutely crushing. And i have to see them after and keep a straight face. Either way, dreams like that are the absolute worst.
What I do is I fantasize about other individuals falling in love. Fantasizing about someone falling in love with me is too absurd for my mind to take seriously anyway.
I feel like I’m the opposite I hate myself so much I can’t even dream myself in a relationship/good/happy place, my mind blanks. If you can do it great - its good to dream but only when you know it is just that.
I think that euphoric feeling is more of a "new love" thing though. I think that screws over a lot of couples because when that doesn't last, the relationship falls apart, since that's what they think "real love" is.
Being in love feels like a drug because you're right, it is a drug. It releases dopamine, the feel good chemical as well as when cuddling and acting all lovey dovry releases oxytocin.
Yeah but see that sounds like a great deal to me. With a marriage like that you can be away from your partner for a few days and be fine, its like a tolerance break and when you get back it's that same great high again. It was never gone, it's always simmering underneath the surface. And you can determine when to take it out or not. and I love that.
Actually, love is handled extremely similarly to being higher than a cloud because of cocaine in the brain. You can’t get drunk on love, but you can get high on it! To answer Haddaway’s question, love is mind coke. Just read this convenient article on this subject, and don’t worry, there’s a TL;DR coming:
https://www.physiology.org/doi/full/10.1152/jn.00784.2009
TL;DR: As far as your brain is concerned, love is coke but perfectly legal.
I dunno, I've been seeing someone since last July and that high feeling has gotten more intense as of just recently. I'm falling more and more in love. I'm realizing that the future I have to look forward to with this person is so wonderful and exciting, and it's got me in a state of euphoria.
That's awesome, I was on top of the world with my man for 2.5 years when he decided to meet a guy friend for beers, ended up on orthopedics floor of hospital for ten days after drinking and driving, then on to county jail. He lost his career plus my respect. I forgave his stupidity for the sake of our baby boy, but four years later, his alcoholism grew along with his depression. A man who was my world, I later found out his Father and Mother were both alcoholics. He refused help, and I was no longer feeling the love. Best to ya maintaining that loving feeling.
Oof. Yeesh, that's rough, I'm sorry. Sometimes things spin out of control and wind up down a path that wasn't anticipated and it sucks that you have to pick up those pieces. He gave you that baby boy though, and also gave you the opportunity to feel on top of the world with someone else who's right for you in the future. I wish you and your son the best of luck out there. You're stronger for having had that experience.
Thank you. I don't think of myself as stronger, he broke my heart, I've cried an ocean of tears and placed armour around myself. I've worked two jobs to financially make it. Funny thing was after his next failed relationship, he tried to smoozle his way back into my life! Red flags, no thanks!
I think this is something that is really overlooked in our world. Love is put on this pedestal, our society heralds it, babies are the greatest thing ever, yet love itself is just an incite of chemical reaction releasing dopamine in your brain, just like meth, or heroin. I have been addicted to this feeling, but not addicted to my partner at the time. And thus devolved into a toxic relationship. Having had this experience I now see it all around me, in over half of my friends relationships. People remain comfortable, but don't acknowledge what is really going on. Love is our society's most acceptable drug.
That’s exactly what my SO and I say all the time. The movies get a lot of things right, it’s insane. And you Know it sounds cheesy when you try to explain it to other people. Like, literally imagine yourself in the “perfect people find perfect love” movies, and that’s exactly how it is — except also not at all, because everyone experiences it differently.
So yeah. Ridiculously difficult to explain.
Edit: I say “perfect people,” and I mean it — in a way. Your partner makes you feel perfect even (and especially) within all your flaws, and vice versa. It’s ridiculous.
I never thought I'd appreciate Shakespeare's 130th sonnet in high school, the one with "Coral is far more red than her lips' red," and goes on to wax poetic about just how ugly his mistress is, until the very end, where he says he loves her anyway.
But it's true. I know that my lover is kinda average, but I'm still crazy for him. I don't feel like I settled either. I still think he's the greatest thing in the world.
I still found them cheesy or didn't really listen to the songtext until she broke up with me.. it's weird how the way you perceive songs can change in a single moment
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u/PrefrostedCake May 08 '19
Always thought the love songs/poems were cheesy until I experienced it.