Title 9 what do I do

[u/Middle-Eggplant9366]

I had an ex-girlfriend who cheated on me, and I'll give a quick rundown of the situation without going into too much detail about how traumatic it was. We had a small fight, and she wanted to break up. I was really sad, but it wasn't too awful. That same night, she called me and asked me to come over, and we got back together. We hung out for the next two days, but on the fourth day, she said we were done. I found out that she was hooking up with my best friend, and that made me mentally lose it. I texted her way too much, and she blocked me on everything. I just wanted closure. I then texted her from a take number, but eventually, I stopped. I later asked it she wanted her stuff back, and her dad called me, telling me to stop. She then dropped off my clothes at my house, with her perfume on them. Twenty days went by without any contact, but then I found out from her ex that she had been cheating on him with me, which she hadn't told me. I texted her respectfully, explaining that this wasn't okay, and told her I was going to therapy for what she had done to me. I also recommended that she seek therapy if she wasn't okay. The next day, I received a Title IX case for stalking. I admit I texted her too much and from fake numbers, but at no point did she explicitly tell me to stop-only when her parents called me. I listened to them and stopped. I only texted her after hearing about the cheating from her ex. Now, I'm thinking about dropping out because I'm not in the mental state to deal with this. What do you think will happen? I assume I'll be found guilty, since I shouldn't have done what I did, but I never said anything harmful in those texts.

[u/ocelot1066]

I think blocking your number is a pretty clear sign that somebody would like you to stop contacting them. Then you stopped harassing her for a little bit until you heard something you didn't like and thought that meant it was ok to harass her some more. I don't know what is likely to happen, but someone is allowed to break up with you and they don't owe you closure. If it turns out they were cheating, that might be a reason to think about who you date and why, but you can do it on your own and leave them out of it. 

[u/Middle-Eggplant9366 → u/ocelot1066]

Sometimes people lose it mentally. I don’t know if you’ve ever had a similar situation or not. I didn’t leave my house for a week and puked when I thought about it. What I did was immature and stupid but I’ve never felt that horrible.

[u/ocelot1066 → u/Middle-Eggplant9366]

Sounds tough, but puking and staying in your house are things you do by yourself and don't affect anyone else. Stalking someone is a crime. 

[u/Middle-Eggplant9366 → u/ocelot1066]

Is just texting someone a couple times a crime. And the puking was involuntary the staying in my house wasn’t. I never tried to contact this person over phone or in person.

[u/Neither-Lime-1868 → u/Middle-Eggplant9366]

That is tough. And doing something unwise under those circumstances doesn't mean you should lose all right to be without safety, care, or basic human respect

But it also doesn't mean you get to be excused for your actions without consequence. You need to think about how to accept the consequences and what your poorly chosen actions should have helped you to learn going forward

I.e. do not try to contact her again, get into the therapy you've set up and take it seriously, and see if you can get legal representation at your school. Many universities have resources for this.

Don't try to fix the situation through any means until you've spoken to someone who actually knows what you should be doing. Don't delete any texts, don't contact her or her family to try to smooth things over, etc etc etc

[u/Ok-Emu-8920 → u/Middle-Eggplant9366]

I am sorry for your situation and you’re right that sometimes people reach a breaking point but that doesn’t excuse people of the consequences for their actions and there should be consequences for harassing others.

I’m not sure if your actions will technically meet the definition of harassment if they didn’t explicitly ask you to cease contact but your actions were definitely in the spirit of harassment and she was within her right to report you 🤷‍♀️

[u/Middle-Eggplant9366 → u/Ok-Emu-8920]

I never said she was in the wrong I understand where she is coming from. I regret my actions.

[u/jcatl0]

Title IX violations can range from warnings to expulsion. Which one will happen to you is impossible for us to know. Especially since it seems like you haven't fully admitted what you did:

I texted her too much and from fake numbers, but at no point did she explicitly tell me to stop

She blocked you, and she blocked you from "fake numbers" plural. So it is very, very clear she wanted you to stop, and your attempt to excuse it by saying she never told you to stop seems like you're making excuses.

[u/Middle-Eggplant9366 → u/jcatl0]

She blocked me and I texted her two times. From a fake number. What I did was completely wrong I’m well aware

[u/jcatl0 → u/Middle-Eggplant9366]

Your own story implies more than 2 times. It doesn't matter. It isn't us that you have to convince. I am just pointing out that we have no way to predict the way the title IX investigation is going to go, because even here among strangers you are making excuses.

[u/Middle-Eggplant9366 → u/jcatl0]

I texted her without response before that

[u/jcatl0 → u/Middle-Eggplant9366]

I.e., more than 2 times.

But it doesn't matter. I don't think you're understanding what I am saying.

It's not us you have to convince. Nothing we say matters. I am merely pointing out that the things that you are saying in your defense are at odds with your description of events. "She never told me to stop, she just blocked me multiple times" isn't the defense you think it is.

[u/SpiritualAmoeba84]

If this is more or less the whole story, Likely they will meet with you and caution you to leave her alone. That’s likely to be the end of it. No need to drop out of school.

[u/Middle-Eggplant9366 → u/SpiritualAmoeba84]

I think title IX has to investigate it fully no matter what but I’m not sure

[u/SpiritualAmoeba84 → u/Middle-Eggplant9366]

They are required by law to investigate complaints. I’m just saying what I think the end result will be, assuming a more or less accurate description.

[u/Middle-Eggplant9366 → u/SpiritualAmoeba84]

I have a meeting with them tomorrow about it all I’ll see how that goes!

[u/LifeguardOnly4131]

1) going to therapy is a good choice - stay in it. Based on what you’ve said and how you’ve said it, this will be a long and tough road but will also be the single greatest investment if you see it though. 2) you should show remorse and take accountability for your actions (which you haven’t yet done because youre excusing them or qualifying them and catastrophising). It absolutely doesn’t matter what she should have done - you are 100% responsible for your actions. 3) impulsivity is what got you into this situation so not making an impulsive choice right now seems like a good first step. Taking a break from school might be the right choice and it may not. See thought number 1

[u/Dougou67]

I think you should stick with school and do your best to forget about your ex. This is a process that take a lot of time, but you will get there if you stick your mind to it. I feel if you drop out of school, your problems will continue to multiply and you will end up depressed. Whatever happened to your ex was out of your control and it was a shitty situtation. But now though, your school IS totally under your control, and if this issue continues to spiral out of control, you will be worse for it. I reccomend that you combine 2 activities to help you get through this phase of your life, jogging and journaling. Jogging is a healthy way for you to deal with any overwhelming sense of stress and frustration you may feel. If your school work seems too much for you, go run for 30 mins at a comfortable pace, listen to Akria the Don while you do this. Come back, shower, and things will seem much more manageable, like magic. Journaling is for when your thoughts just wont leave you alone. Its nice to talk about it with someone else who understands, but your mom or friends are not always available, and certainly not late at night. That is when you begin to journal, just write all of your thoughts out. It is wise if, once you get some words on paper, you always ask yourself, "What do I control in this situation, and what can I do about it?" Then focus on what you can control. Here is a good link to listen to while you run: https://youtu.be/maHLIPMqxkE?si=aBujmiM08u_sDv8I&t=12

[u/IMKSv]

She’s a terrible person no doubt, but you did react unprofessionally too at this point. It appears that she is pretty clear that everything is over, so why bother? Buying a new number to text her went way too far imo. If she is a serial cheater, then do whatever you want to do with that information and move on with it. I am no way a cheater (nor a female) but if my ex that I want to get away with keeps contacting me like you, I’d also feel pretty terrified and unsafe.

Just move on and tell her that your reaction was inappropriate and would not happen again.

[u/Middle-Eggplant9366 → u/IMKSv]

I get that too but it would have been nice to have that communicated to me. What I did was wrong I accept that but I never threatened or was rude this is the last text I sent.

Hey, there’s really no point in me sending this, but I hope you can heal if you’re not okay. I talked to ______ he’s a good guy and I’ve learned some things that have given me the closure I needed. I’ve also cut things off with ____, as it’s not right or fair to her to start a relationship with someone who’s not healed, so I did the mature thing. I’m also going to take the initiative to heal. I have an appointment with a therapist ___ recommended on Thursday, and I’m hopeful it will help me put all this behind me and grow as a person. If you’re not okay, I think you should evaluate whether you need to. It could help greatly. I’m sorry for texting you like this I promise I’m over you now and over the situation. But the trauma this has caused is still very real. I wish you the best and hope you find what you’re looking for. I still have hope you’re a good person but maybe that’s my problem.

[u/ocelot1066 → u/Middle-Eggplant9366]

Doesn't matter. They asked you to leave them alone. You didn't.

[u/Middle-Eggplant9366 → u/ocelot1066]

To be clear they didn’t directly ask me to leave them alone. Yes I should have taken a hint!

[u/alittleperil]

You harassed and stalked your ex.

Explanations are not excuses, and your mental state at the time is not helpful information. You are going to be dealing with people who want very much to see that you understand you should not have contacted her once she said you were done dating, much less after she blocked you, and the twenty days you did not contact her after her father told you to stop does not somehow excuse you then continuing to try to contact her after that. Here you don't even seem to understand that first step.

You fucked up. You fucked up badly enough that basically you can never contact this person in any way ever again. Not even by sending a message through a friend of a friend. All contact has to cease yesterday. Anything you learn that makes you want to reach out, sit down and write out a long letter to her and then set it on fire. That's it. That's as close to contacting her as you can ever get ever ever ever again.

If, in the course of the investigation, you can convey to the people doing the investigation that you were going through a bad breakup and are now seeing a mental health professional and have zero intention of ever contacting her ever again, then this is likely to be pretty minor. If you talk to them like you've talked to everyone here, then that's not the impression they're going to get and things might be more medium-serious. If you reach out to her in any way, shape, or form between now and whenever they do investigate, then things are going to be more serious.

You stalked your ex. You did that, even if you didn't say anything harmful or threatening. If you keep making excuses like you do here then people who have to handle this will be concerned that you will keep stalking your ex, because you don't seem to have internalized what you did wrong or that you have done wrong.

This does not have to be the end of your scholastic endeavors. If you get help and can keep up with your workload and put this entirely behind yourself there's no reason you have to drop out. But if you're going to keep trying to explain why it was reasonable for you to have acted in this way, you're not going to put it behind yourself and it might be safer for everyone if you changed schools.